Where I have come from.

After a 150 day streak I had a brief relapse and am now back to being 90 days free from porn or masturbation. Having reached the 90 day marker, I have taken the time to reflect on where I was roughly 250 days ago.

I felt hopeless. I didn't think I could be free from porn and masturbation, I was surrounded by influences in my life who also felt it was impossible, that men are wired to gratify sexual desires in the easiest form possible (porn, masturbation).

I felt lonely. I practiced intimacy with strangers on a screen, judging their worth physically and aesthetically. My habits behind closed doors seeped into my daily life in the way I valued women, as the poison spread I sexualised them in vile ways, and felt guilty for it. This guilt had a direct impact on the way I treated friends, and colleagues, I would prefer to draw into myself rather than reach out for companionship. My social confidence was being strangled and isolation is a strong killer.

I felt desperate. I could not count the many times that I tried to cut the plague that was injecting poison into my heart. Each time, my abstinence didn't last long, I was discouraged. I longed to be free from my darkness, I longed to be normal. Despite my efforts, I just couldn't commit. Until I joined a men's group, and I committed myself to journaling daily on NoFap.

Although the men's group kicked me off, NoFap is what kept me on track accountability-wise. Everyday I battled through urges, and everyday I wrote about how I conquered those urges, and it made me feel proud. It took a while before I felt like it was no longer a daily struggle, eventually it subsided into a weekly battle and then eased into every so often. Success has been empowering.

I feel free. I don't have that empty feeling, post masturbation, realising I have been defeated yet again. I'm not a loser, I'm a winner. My thoughts are no longer strangled by that perverse poisonous ivy.

I feel confident. I can talk and joke with women confidently and not have the dark creeping thoughts influence the way I relate to others. I am back dating a girl that I dated when I was slave to masturbation, and the difference in how I value her is astounding. Our relationship is much healthier and I can feel proper love for this woman. She doesn't know too much about my gripe, but I know she respects me as a man and if I were to restart my dirty little habit, that respect would dissipate.

I feel well. I'm normal again. I don't have the devil sitting on my shoulder. That is so valuable to me and if you are a man or woman reading this I want to encourage you wholeheartedly to pick up the fight and stick at it. You may relapse, just as I did after 150 days. But do not be a slave. Get back up and fight for your freedom, fight for your sanity, fight for your life.

 

Hey Brother,

Good on you man! No matter how many times you relapse, keep trying to break your last record, and eventually it will get easier. I encourage you to find some kind of accountability partner, friend of family, and be totally honest with them.

It can be awkward, but if they care about you, and you can share how important this is, then it could be a total game changer.

Be strong

 

Thanks man!

When I said the men's group kicked me off, it's a term I used to mean that it got me started. They didn't actually kick me, or push me out of their group!

I would definitely recommend a group like this if you have a network that would be interested. It was a 12 week self-run course called Valiant Man and it gives tools to men struggling controlling their sexuality, focusing on new ideas each week. The biggest value was that the men would have to be humble enough to meet each week, admitting that PMO is a problem that they need help to get through.

We learned about hormones, neurotransmitters, strategies and a few other things. If I'm honest the course content was average. But as I said above, being part of a group with an intention to get better was very helpful. That is also when I joined NoFap, reading about other's journey really inspired me too.