When will I start acting like I'm God's princess?

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Gods_princess, Oct 7, 2018.

  1. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    Just a Christian Woman in her 20s struggeling with daddy issues, depression and porn addiction.

    MY STORY
    I'm 23 years old and I live in Germany.
    I grew up in a unstable family house because my parents were fighting all the time.
    My father drank alcohol a lot and did not really show us his love (because he could not). My mother is a Christian and raised us religious.

    As a teenage girl I have been really insecure about myself and talking to a boy was a challenge for me. With 14 years I started to read a lot of books and to eat a lot (emotional eating). With 18 years the depression hit me hard because I could not deal with my insecurities. I watched porn the first time when an ad page for sex cams popped up. I felt terrible afterwards but I continued watching porn. I had to get psychological help because of my depression but I never talked about my problems with my sexuality. In May 2016 I gave Jesus my life and in June 2017 I got baptized. Praise the Lord for that. I still struggle with my mental health but when I'm weak God is strong. At the moment I study at an university here in Germany and live in my own apartment during the working week which is not always easy for me because I have a lot of time to live out my bad habits. I don't really have friends because opening myself up has become more difficult due to depressed episodes and bad experiences with people.

    MY BAD HABITS
    • emotional eating (which is also an eating disorder called "binge eating")
    • overthinking
    • spending too much time on the internet
    • letting myself go and neglecting my stuff for university

    MY TRIGGERS
    • frustration because of university tasks (I'm kinda of a perfectionist when it comes to that stuff) or because of myself
      • often leads to watching youtube videos / spending time on my laptop which leads to pmo usage
    • feeling of loneliness (which is common when I'm in my apartment)
      • often leads to seeking attention from strangers on the internet which can lead to cs which can lead to pmo usage
    • visual imagery / long eye contact with an attractive person

    WHAT HELPS ME TO FOCUS
    • Spending time with God daily which includes reading the bible, praying and attending church services
    • A good day structure
    • Regular meals
    • Working out
    • Feeling like I'm being loved

    THINGS I HAVE DONE OR DO TO STOP PMO
    • I'm on a telegram group where I occasionally write with people that are also on nofap
    • I talked to my sisters about my pmo problem; felt like one of the biggest steps in my life
    • I installed qustodio (porn filter) on all my devices
    • I have a nofap journal where I collect my thoughts about purity, nofap and finding a partner
    ABOUT YOU
    I really appreciate you for commenting on my threat but please be brief because I always feel guilty about not being able to take the same amount of time to answer your comment.

    My plan is to write here as regular as possible. In the last time I haven't really been committed to that. I'm on day 1 today.
     
  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hello! Welcome to NoFap!

    I'm impressed that you've talked with your sisters about your PMO problem. It takes a lot to be able to come out and tell your loved ones what's going on.

    It also sounds like you've taken a lot of good steps to going PMO free already. That's very good. :)

    Good luck with your steak!
     
    Gods_princess likes this.
  3. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

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    I can see a lot of shame and feeling guilty in your message. You don't need to feel that and this can be a leading cause of your struggles.
     
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  4. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    DAY 2
    Daily time with God :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Working on my university stuff :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Going to the gym :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Taking a walk with my mother :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Cooking :emoji_white_check_mark:



    Urges :emoji_negative_squared_cross_mark:

    I tried to live out some healthy habits today. I feel like staying in God's word can really help me to stay focused on what I have to do and to not get frustrated so fast as in the past. I had no urges today because I've been pretty busy with my tasks and I didn't let the frustration get me that I feel so often when I work on something. Also, taking breaks and changing the activity seems to be helpful.

    Experience with God
    For my next semester I have to do a group project about literature. I completely forgot about it. Then I read this email and realized I have to find a group partner! As I told you I don't have any friends and I also don't have close fellow students. I asked some people I know if they're still free but all of them told me they already have partners for their projects. Laying in my bed in the evening I thought about this girl that was sitting alone in our philosophy seminar and decided to ask her. This morning she told me she doesn't have a partner, too. So I already have one partner. We still have to find another one. But I'm so glad I found one person at least. God is so good.
     
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  5. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    It was a huge step for me but I'm glad I have done it. I thought one of them would be so judgemental but she wasn't at all. I'd recommend to talk to your loved ones because you don't feel that alone with your problem anymore.

    By the way, I'm not new here on nofap. I already had like 3 journals but I decided to make a new one where I'm more commited to post.
     
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  6. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    Actually, I don't feel that guilty because of my past because I know I'm forgiven. However, immediate after a relapse I feel incredible bad. But I think that's normal.
     
    R.o.B likes this.
  7. RLN

    RLN Fapstronaut

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    We all have problems that require tremendous work from ourselves. The question is how long is enough for us, so that we can step over to the best things that are waiting for us.

    Sorry my eng.
     
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  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    It's good to hear about that. I'm happy you're feeling better. :) Also good to hear you've found a partner for your project.

    My parents know, but I haven't told my siblings. That's okay, they don't need to hear my story until I'm ready to tell it.

    ...whoops. I guess I missed that info. Welcome nevertheless!
     
    R.o.B likes this.
  9. R.o.B

    R.o.B Fapstronaut

    Keep going!
    So happy for you!
     
    Gods_princess likes this.
  10. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

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    But sometimes feeling guilty can lead you to relapsing. You are especially sensitive to that danger, when upset or depressed.
     
  11. _.._

    _.._ Fapstronaut

    Do you get urges to look up random stuff on the Internet? I do and I think that "nosurf" is as hard as nofap. There's fear of missing out on the news/social media updates and there's also dopamine and procrastination involved. It's ridiculous and sad how much time are we losing in the best period of our lives. It would be much better to just get out, breathe and live. In just a few years we won't be able to do that...
     
  12. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    DAY 3
    Daily time with God :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Working on my university stuff :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Inline skating :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Taking a walk with my mother :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Cooking :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Going to a second hand shop :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Seeing a dentist :emoji_syringe:

    Urges :emoji_negative_squared_cross_mark:
    Sexual thoughts :emoji_heavy_check_mark:

    I try to see the positive in the day. And what can I say? It's been pretty great.
    In the morning I had some sexual thoughts but I could give it up to God as soon as they came in my mind.

    The last two days I went to bed earlier (at 22 o' clock here in Germany). I realized that I couldn't sleep as well as before. Before I could sleep through the whole night without waking up but now I changed my day structure a bit. I'm not that much on my smartphone or laptop anymore and I try to go to bed earlier. Maybe my body has to get used to it. But honestly, getting up early in the morning is not easy at the moment.

    I have to keep telling myself that it's okay when I relax and do other things than sitting on my paper for university. But changing activities really helps me to not get frustrated so fast. Today I've been to the dentist and brought my own Christian magazine to read. I can read again. I love it. (I used to love to read but due to my bad habits I lost the concetration and joy for it) After the dentist I went to a thrift store spontaneously. I think God led me there because I discovered something amazing there: An old typewriter from the 70s in a loud Orange. The head of the shop showed me how to use it and I immediately fell in love. In the end I bought it for 30€. I had much fun testing the typewriter and typing in some song lyrics. But I have to buy a new typewriter ribbon because the old one is already worn-out.

    Update about the group project thing
    We probably have the third member of our group project because a girl I had asked if she wanted to do the group project with me knows another girl that doesn't have a partner either. I hope everything goes well but with God's help it'll be good.

     
    Newgirl likes this.
  13. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    I think everyone knows who he can share personal things with. Personally, I'd never talk to my parents about my pmo issue because I know it would be too much for them.
     
  14. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    Once I give my fault and my sin to God I don't have to feel guilty anymore. But still the devil tries to shame me. He tries to steal my hope. But I still have to fight and stand up again once I relapse.
     
  15. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    Yes, if I have no good day structure I feel very tempted to watch youtube vids and so on. But the last days I have made a daily plan with what exactly I want to do during the day and it has really helped me to stay busy.

    I don't really think we're missing anything. Social media and news will always update. However, if we don't update our lifes our lifes will stay the same.
     
  16. Gods_princess

    Gods_princess Fapstronaut

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    DAY 0
    Daily time with God :emoji_white_check_mark:
    Working on my university stuff :emoji_white_check_mark:



    Sexual thoughts because I started to watch YouTube vids :emoji_heavy_check_mark:
    Relapse vids :emoji_heavy_check_mark:

    I want write much today because as always once I relapse I feel miserable. I feel like everything's slipping out if my hands. I didn't even go to bible studies because of my relapse. I did seek attention in a telephone chat (no cs). But I liked talking to that guy. However, at the moment I feel like no man's ever gonna love me with all my problems. I didn't repent yet and I'm a bit scared of failing again.
     
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  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Let me ask you something @Gods_princess. When you pray to your God, exactly what are you saying to your God? What is your faith again? I'm sorry, I read so much in here, it eludes me.
     
  18. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    You are going through a process of rebooting with highs and lows but don't lose hope you can beat this addiction. We just need more patience and optimism :)
     
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  19. R.o.B

    R.o.B Fapstronaut

    Yeah I am also fearful of failing again. I think about how I am going to again save myself from this demon. It worries me, like I fell this time, I am again gonna be in the same situation.
    It feels like there is no way of light that can take me out of this. I feel utterly miserable after relapse too.
    And yeah, with all the determination broken it's sad... Too...
    But you are not alone in this...
    It happens with others too...
    You can muster up yourself...
    Yeah offcourse, there are now gonna be more chances of relapse.....
    Learn from this reset, acknowledge what you did wrong, and , move back on your track.
     
    Gods_princess likes this.
  20. R.o.B

    R.o.B Fapstronaut

    And yeah dear friend, you are journaling every well. Its a compliment that I have to give, really, you are doing really good. :)
    Don't feel sad....
    You can do it...
     
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