When two moving bodies get too close, they collide and burn eachother...

Similarly, when two people get too close, by whatever measure, they *may* burn eachother and affect eachother's chemical composition, metaphorically. How can I be close to someone without burning?

To answer that, I guess I should look at what has worked in the past. Oh what's that? Nothing has technically worked yet? Haha. It is true that being close to anyone will generally change the people involved, for better or worse.

So what has kinda worked? These things:
Being parented - explicit boundaries
Maintaining distance (as with friends) - implicit boundaries
A mix of the two~

So boundaries of various kinds will keep me from burning, as long as they are consistent. But what if people refuse to be consistent about those boundaries?

"I could easily maintain my distance all I want, but some fucker thinks just because he was raised a certain way that he can be an asshole all the time and then acts innocent and ignorant whenever I tell him he can't even see how he is breaking my boundaries."​

Quite the conundrum. Acting in good faith doesn't give us the result we expected. See, not everyone thinks or acts the same way, so not everyone will come to the same conclusions at the same speeds. The good news is that everyone will eventually reach the same conclusions, or reflections of such, so translation will eventually be easy. But that's another story. The problem is that, even though we might actually agree with eachother on some level, the way we interpret our own actions and eachother's actions drastically affects how much we apparently agree. It is well known that misunderstandings create a lot of conflict, but how much of our misunderstandings are simply a result of either accidentally or intentionally misinterpreting someone else's actions? All of it. Every single last bit of it. You can't have a misunderstanding if you understand. This makes us aware of another issue: the boundaries we define prevent us from truly understanding each other, whether physical or mental.

So one solution is to define looser boundaries, not be so tense all the time, work on accepting everyone and everything... and be all the better for it. The issue remains, however, we are afraid to be so loose. As living creatures, we are designed to build and maintain boundaries to increase our odds of survival. But sometimes we define boundaries in such a way that our chances of survival actually decrease, especially when we involve ourselves with other people.

These problem boundaries come in two types:
Defining boundaries that someone else wants to have, and
Defining boundaries that we cannot properly maintain.

The first is any time we have the power to define a boundary, but defining it puts us at risk of being engaged by others in a way that is detrimental to us. For example, parking a truck on my neighbor's lawn.

The second is any time we define a boundary that we have absolutely no control over. For example, telling others how they should feel.

Both of these are similar in that they simply can't be maintained without repeatedly pouring energy into them. I can guess that efficiency is important to being alive, and these boundaries simply aren't efficient. Whatever the return is on them simply isn't worth the price.

But wait, what if it is worth the price, yet it is still repeatedly broken? What then?

Well, we have some options. We can fight, flee, freeze, or accept.

To fight means to work with the other person, the one who breaks our boundary, in order to teach them how far they should go, whether we do so physically or verbally.

To flee is to simply run away, move out, zone out.

To freeze is to do nothing. The difference between this and accepting is that this may still lead to us being harmed as a result of our boundary being broken.

To accept is much the same as freeze, except we define how we are harmed by what happens, and whether or not we are actually harmed.

Fighting, for me, has only helped when I have enough power (influence) to do so. Freezing and accepting don't change anything except me, and fleeing doesn't resolve the original issue.

Wait, what? So we're stuck either way? Kinda.

There is one specific social configuration I know of where at least one of these methods may be fortuitous for both sides, and that is to accept first, pose questions later. It is pride which keeps us from doing this, and also which leads us to take advantage of the resulting situation that arises from accomplishing acceptance on both sides.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Trick question: it doesn't matter. One was, and then so was the other. What is important is that they are, that the cycle even started and we now have eggs to fry and flesh to grind. What is important is that neither one could come into existence without energy being spent. Much the same, it takes energy, work, to maintain boundaries, but also to engage in creating those boundaries. Which came first, the respect I gave or the willingness to give it? It doesn't matter. Most people agree with the notion, "If you want respect, you have to give it first." But this just doesn't work. This is lazy and avoids the issue. In order for anything to happen, one person has to budge. One person has to create a volume of either lower or higher pressure so that social energy can flow along the path of least resistance.

It takes enormous energy to constantly increase our pressure above our quarrel's, because they can easily do the same. It takes incredible courage and willpower to choose to actually ease up on the other person, because it makes us extremely vulnerable. If we do this, it can have one of two effects on our quarrel, which we can now call our partner. If they can see what we have done, and find it good, they may ease up on us, but only if they are interested in efficiency (pride is the opposite of efficiency). If they are too prideful, or too ignorant, then this won't have any effect on them, and it may be wise to simply run away.

But if it works and they begin to put aside their pride, ignorance can still have a negative effect at this stage. For example, even if they say, "Oh I'm so sorry, I love you so much, it's just difficult sometimes...", they still may not realize the damage they have done to you. This is ignorance on their side, and is why it is absolutely crucial to be on our guard with ourselves. I caution you not to take their words for granted. Perhaps they don't realize how they have hurt you, but are you going to let your fear and pride prevent you from creating a better situation for both of you? At this stage it is imperative you completely and unconditionally accept everything they say, in honor of the courageous steps we took in the first place to be vulnerable. If you are vulnerable, and they open up just the same, what could possibly be more worthwhile than taking that all the way?

The next step is to ease up even more, let your guard down, and have faith in the other person. Even if they don't open up at first, they may do so after a while. It is imperative that you don't just use this to take advantage of them... that is not the goal here. The goal is to grow and redefine important boundaries in a way that is better for everyone. How do we do that?

To redefine our boundaries in this state of accepting each other is simple: continue to accept and remind the other person to do the same. Whatever boundaries you and the other person need will reveal themselves as you go along in accepting each other, because part of accepting someone else is letting them define boundaries inside of you and choosing not to be harmed by them, and communicating when they get too close in a respectful manner.

So which came first, the chicken or the egg?

 

c: Thank you so much