When The Wife Does NOT Understand

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. I have had, and continue to have, a very interesting journey with my NoFap life. But this post concerns itself with what happens when you tell your wife.
    In summary, we have had a rather sexless relationship for 27 years. There were moments, for certain, but for the vast majority of the time, porn and masturbation were my allies in relieving my sexual needs. 18 years ago she caught me with porn, I was raked over the coals for that transgression, swearing to never again use it. I did abstain for a while. But I regressed.
    I realized, under a year ago, PMO was the problem in my life. It took me that long to wake up. All you guys know how addictive it is. I am an addict.
    So I did the 90 days, and gradually resumed sexual relations with my wife. It was wonderful. She was my focus, she was what it was all about. It was like my orgasms were different, new. But she wondered why, what is going on that makes me want her again.
    I told her that I had given up masturbation. I explained it had gotten excessive and I looked for help, finding this forum. She seemed to understand and was accepting of this new me. A little reluctant but accepting.
    A month ago, we were in bed, and I was talking again of my stopping masturbation and how good things were between us.
    She became very inquisitive wondering why I had even stopped and why now?
    And then came the atomic bomb question:

    Did you use porn when you masturbated?

    I knew this was a loaded question but I felt it best to answer the truth. Yes, I said, I had.

    Holy shit, it was the beginning of a personal crucifixion that was, to me, just about the end of our marriage. She accused me of everything: lying, deceiving, taking away her sexuality, lack of trust, everything you could imagine. There was no forgiveness. It went on for days. She sliced me apart and I had no defense...yes i was guilty, I am sorry a million times over. I understood--though not completely--how she felt.
    Two days later we were making love again. It was sessions of that interspersed with deep discussions on her part about what I had done to her. More slicing me up and down. Again last week.
    Yet we remain with passionate lovemaking, better than ever in our married life. This past week has seemed to be very new and even better.
    I suppose there's much to learn...I wanted to put this out here to see how other guys' wives have reacted.
    Or does one never tell them? Always an option.
    PM me if you want or add to this thread.
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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  3. I dont expect her to be instantly over it. I ask for forgiveness and a hope for an even better future. All I can do is be a better man from here on. I am guilty, granted.
     
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Seems like she understands quite well.
     
  5. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Seems like she is doing her own healing!
     
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  6. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    27 years of a sexless marriage because you were getting your needs met by other women. That is excruciating for a woman.
     
  7. boilerball123

    boilerball123 Fapstronaut

    The problem isn't her lack of understanding, it's that you seem to expect that she's gonna be ok since you came clean. As PAs, we have this nasty tendency to think that simply because we are honest, we deserve to be commended for coming clean and that our partners need to come around to us. Problem is, in revealing our weaknesses to them, we are transmitting the guilt and shame. Ours was wrapped in knowing that we were doing wrong and hiding it. Theirs is now wrapped in the question of why. Why were you using? Was I not good enough? Am I not enough for him? Did I cause this? How long has this been going on? Etc. etc. etc.

    There is going to be pain. And anger. She is going to lash out at you and it is going to seem unfair that you haven't regained her trust as quickly as you think you deserve. But this is a part of the process and she has unwittingly been asked to go through it with you now without much time to prepare for such a journey.

    As for the sex, no one but she can speak to what is going through her head and why this is happening. But don't accept it as a sign that things are turning around and that she's ok with everything now. The only way you will get closer is to talk some of your stuff out and listen to what she is saying. The conversations will be hard, but they will move you away from the bitterness and hurt slowly.
     
  8. This has been so difficult. I know I was wrong, so wrong. I need to know what to do now. I know this will take so much time. Thank you...
     
  9. Will she ever forgive me? Right now it seems like never. Your answer is blunt but it is the truth. How can a man understand this though? The "other women" meant absolutely nothing.
     
  10. I had read postings by fellows who admitted their issues and wrote these saying that oh, she was so understanding and their marriage is so much better now. Last night I was again subject to her verbal chastisement and again this morning. Dont I have feelings too? I know I was wrong. I guess I want it to be all better right away...very naive and ignorant on my part .
     
  11. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Be you! Be the man she fell in love with and agreed to marry! Only you working with her can you help her and yourself too continue the relationship! There is no perfect answer you just have to prove your a better husband to her and keep moving forward! Its very difficult so you just have to be caring and understanding of her needs to and be open and honest about everything! Things will get better with time!
     
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  12. YoruldumHayat

    YoruldumHayat Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to your scenario my friend, but the difference being I've only been married for two years. I tried to put myself in my wife's position in order to fully understand why there was such rage and judgement. you've got to accept that this behavior and the scolding's you've been receiving are deserved, always remember what happened because of your addiction. she suffered due your selfishness (I include myself when I say 'you'), she's been impacted far more heavily than you'll ever know. she would've questioned herself, am I ugly? why doesnt he want me? what aren't I doing? etc.

    In her mind you practically cheated for those 27 years. Like I said, I share a similar situation currently, its not easy trying to recover but then being reminded constantly of who you were and what you were capable of previously. Patience is our only option, give her time to comprehend and release her frustrations, I cant guarantee your wife will forgive you but as with anything in life time heals all wound. Accept that your failures have caused all this and consequently shes well within her rights to get angry with you, i'm sure she has imagined you watching porn satisfying yourself while she wallowed away in an empty sadness due to the lack affection/love you should've been giving to her but you selfishly chose the easy option and didn't take your wife's well-being into consideration at all.

    I hope you guys are okay, patience and understanding is a necessity. We really don't have the right, not even in the slightest, to be angry or impatient with our partners. they invested themselves into us and we took them for granted and scarily enough 'nearly' replaced them with Porn. for a female, it is soul crushing to think that they can't satisfy the man they love.... stay strong my friend you must be relentless, everyday is a challenge, just know there are others out there in similar situations and you are not alone, I thought this for a long time. stay positive, stay focused and stay honest at the minimum for yourself.
     
  13. Thank you so much my friend. This meant a lot!!
     
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  14. I am trying, I will not stop trying. I want to believe there is hope for us.
     
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  15. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    The "other women" took your sexual desire that was meant for your wife away from her for almost your entire marriage. As much as you think you compartmentalized your porn use and that it didn't affect anyone, I can guarentee it seeped into every aspect of your life. I bet your wife feels robbed of her youth, her beauty, and her sexuality. I bet she spent years having empathy for you because you had no sexual desire- and were possibly not as manly to her. She probably put aside her sexuality as to not stress her asexual husband out. She put her sexuality on hold for you while you were gorging on other women.
    I know my words are blunt and I in no way mean to cause pain but I have walked in your wife's shoes and it is hell.
    I commend you for wanting to help her. Watch "Helping Her Heal" by Doug Weiss (It is a download for purchase). Have yoyr wife watch it too.
    Are you seeing a therapist? I will tag you on a resource thread we have for partners and addicts.
    Stay humble and stay grateful for every moment your wife stays in your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2019
  16. All you are stating here is the honest truth and is exactly how she is feeling. I am seeing a therapist. I can see how you have suffered as well. I deeply appreciate your comments. I only wish she didnt keep reiterating the past and of things I cannot change. I admit my immaturity and admit my perpetuating a childish habit, I have told her this. I want her deeply in my life and will do whatever I must. Thank you, dont give up on me.
     
  17. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    She will keep reiterating that until you...and she...understands why you did it in the first place.

    I was only able to let it go when I understood WHY Mourde did what he did. It was the underlying issues that when they came out, I understood it wasn't about me.

    Stay strong. Keep positive and fighting for yourself and for her.

    Everyone here is rooting for you, it's a great support system AND a place to keep you in 'check' of the reality of this addiction. But you have to put in the work, too.

    There is no bandaid to cover up the past and forget it....you have to clean out that deep wound and the scars and it's hard and rough but once you do...and stay focused...then you are free from the addiction.
     
  18. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Bubba, I still reiterate the past and it has been TWO YEARS since I found out about my husband's secret sex life. You need to support your wife NO MATTER how much or how long she brings up your infidelity. She has 27 years of you preferring other women to her to deal with-27 YEARS of you lying to her (either outright or by omission). She WILL NOT be "over" it quickly, and you have no right to be upset or short with her for needing to talk about it and for sharing her anger. you might want to get Rob Weiss's book "Out Of The Doghouse" to read as well as the Helping Her Heal video by Doug Weiss that I mentioned above. She has been deeply betrayed in many ways and you are lucky she is still speaking with you frankly.
     
  19. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I agree with everything that was said above by @SOofanaddict and @Sadgirl and would just like to add this...it seems that PA's are often frustrated and/or hurt by their SO's need to "keep talking about the past" even though they are now in recovery. The thing is, you knew about your behavior and addiction the whole time, and to you, that's now in the past. But, oftentimes, the SO was unaware of any of it for years or even decades and is now finding out about everything. To the shocked and hurt SO, learning about all the years of deceit is not just about the past. It is what we are living with today. This is all very much a part of our life right now. The pain we are feeling is present in every minute of everyday, today, tomorrow, and however many days it takes for us to work through it. We are not trying to live in the past.

    It may seem unfair that she gets upset and reminds you of all the hurtful things you've done, but it's not nearly as unfair as living with your PA has been to her. She has to talk about all these things or she will never be able to move forward in her own healing. I'm saying this as the SO of someone who has mostly refused to let me talk about all the things I'm feeling due to his PA, and it is not helpful for myself or the marriage...it only keeps him from having to hear all the uncomfortable things he doesn't want to hear. As much as it sucks, let her get it all out, and try your best not to be defensive or impatient about it. Try to find empathy for her.
     

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