When her heart is neither for you or against you

That sounds so promising! Honestly, I have spent $4000 on therapy (including husband's therapy) since June and finding a great CSAT has helped the most. Hoping for reconcilliation and healing for you and your wife XO

 

You are right about having to give up control . It is now up to her , her terms , finally on her terms . You created that . You can’t change her perception on things , she will have to , which is a horrendously slow fucking process . I’m a year since DDAY , I can’t say I’m better , even though he is . I can say there are GREAT DAYS , GREAT INTIMACY / GREAT SEX , however over my shoulder I can hear a whisper “ but he LIED to you for a long time “ and then I’m numb / ruined for a few days ( I fake it best I can )She can’t help how she feels just as you can’t either . Just be there for her in any way you can when she needs that . I think you watched the Dr. Weiss videos I forget lol
Healing can’t happen quickly. It won’t happen quickly . I think you are taking the right steps NOW , and even then GIVEN all that , it may just be she will want to be set free from these disgusting feelings us SO feel about OURSELVES and YOU the PA . Oh how I wish my PA took all these steps you are taking a year ago , my healing would of I’m sure been a lot calmer , but he was so ASHAMED and turned into himself when I was leaning in . FINALLY there was a day when he SAW /FELT I was losing myself , my joy my spark he stepped up and leaned in to ME ( long overdue, but not too late ) that was LATE November and we haven’t stopped talking /checking in . Recovery is different for every addict /SO .
You don’t need me to tell you that a lot of SO reading your posts , WISH our PA was behaving /being as open to your SO and on here . Kinda makes me want to literally squeeze my husbands face or kick him in the nuts lol

 

You do, as it definitely takes two. As you reboot and reset, so does your marriage. One way to look at it to maybe help with the anxiety of the marriage being over and done with, is to consider this is an opportunity for the both of you to fall in love again. The courtship has to start all over again. Sure there is a history, yes there are kids, which complicate it all, but there is still a chance.
My SO told me this the only thing that saved our marriage after our second dday was she saw me for who I was before my P use escalated and I let the P monster come out and control my life. For us it was the fact that our relationship was built on honesty and friendship first above all. From there it progressed into companionship and some love, even though this disease prevented me from truly falling in love and trusting my partner, as I remained disconnected through escaping and self soothing PMO.
Without that base to ground her, that glimpse of who I really was, it would have been over, and I couldn’t blame her. It was my actions alone, my disconnection, my escalation that would have destroyed the relationship.

Now you are back at the beginning, and it isn’t so much as repairing the damage (which still has to be done), but giving her a reason to have you as part of your life. if you love her, nothing will stop you. You’ll need that selfless determination to let her know she can trust you, that she is important to you, you are worthy of her love and can bring stability and security to her life.

Right now those last two decades were a sham and a lie in her mind, and your actions led it to that. It’s time to start a new relationship with her, a new love. If you’ve learned anything from your mistake, you should know this, and don’t repeat it. It’s okay to be anxious, especially when it comes to her feelings. Your dopamine levels and desire are all out of wack since you are a recovering PA, but the important part isn’t saving your marriage, your “gotta get it” hit has to be about her. Don’t make it about how can I get her to love me again, how you can show her you deserve her love, to be the best choice of man in her life. Show her that you care. show her that you are there. let her know you think about her. Woo her and court her all over again. Don’t despair that she doesn’t love you, or if she finds you attractive. You are back at square one. She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t know that she can trust you. She is that random vulnerable person on the street that caught your eye, and gave you a smile. A glimmer that maybe there is love at first sight. So what are you going to do to to make her see you, and want you as a part her life?

 

It’s funny how different SO are . I DIDNT want wooing for months , it felt fake /phony even though it wasn’t on his end . It felt like a ploy for me to forget what he’d done . But I think now , he’s safe to WOO because he’s talking ! The OP hasn’t stopped talking so the WOOING timing could be right . But the PA should ask what SHE is ready for . I know I would have answered honestly if my PA had ASKED what I was ready for in the beginning. Such a long sad//mad process for everyone involved !

 

Hi there I’m NF4L SO so I figured I could add to his post for a bit more clarification. For me it was two stages. 1st stage was much harder as there was an affair. that was incredibly difficult and took a few years. The betrayal trauma was intense with a lot of ups and downs, lies and that added uncertainty for me. Trust for me was difficult but I wanted to try and work through it as I did still have some hope. Through the affair recovery and 4 years I started to see the signs/red flags of PA. It took those 4 years and discovery of the depth of PA, Rock bottom realizations that was the defining moment for him and us. From that point when honest truth started, real change in him that’s when I saw real difference, I saw the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He’s becoming more of that man. NF4L is speaking the truth but it took his commitment, his integrity, his self respect to come out for me to see it and believe it and loose the same feelings and thoughts you speak of. I did have those feelings of being suspicious of his motives behind wooing and compliments. It’s taken a long time for us but it is feeling now it’s worth work and trust is coming back.

 

That was beautifully written. Personally, I wish my husband would do those things. The wooing and courtship, and restart this relationship. We are over a year and a half past DDay and he says he doesn't know what to do (even though he has lists). You said "if you love her, nothing will stop you" what do you mean by that? My husband, it seems, struggles with motivation, like he doesn't start conversations with me about recovery, doesn't always do recovery (so I remind him), and definitely doesn't romance me. I've asked him why and he says, "I don't know what to do" or "I wish I could do these things" or "I'm stuck." He has motivation in other areas of life but not in this area at times it seems. And he says he loves me and just doesn't know how to show it. Would you have any advice in this situation? You just seem very wise and seem to be knowledgable.

 

Even when you are on different continents you can do plenty of things to show her how you feel about her, that you are committed, that you are thinking about her. Is she open to this stuff or she just wants to do her own thing when you are gone?

 

It sounds like deep down she wants to connect with you but she is just really hurt. Maybe she wants you to feel the same hurt that she does?

 

Exactly how I feel.

 

This sounds like progress! A good start. A good lunch. Good communication. As NFL4 said you have to start over and court her all over again. Make her fall in love with you. Show her you are going to be the husband he wants and needs. And be sure to show her you love her and respect her and the time she needs for healing her way.

You are doing a great job so far!

 

I think that’s exactly how MOST if not ALL SO feel this way , due to the betrayal trauma and FEAR . How much of ourselves to we put in , how much to hold back just Incase .

 

Wow so @AnonymousAnnaXOXO posted an article and a few parts reminded me of you:

“If you want to save your relationship, you’re going to have to go out of your way to let your partner have his or her way.

You’re going to have to make an effort to watch the movie that you would usually never be caught dead watching. You’re going to have to go to the event you're dreading.

You’re going to have to learn being happy isn’t enough. In fact, it’s far from it.”


This part didn’t remind me of you but it resonated with me:

“Stop focusing on the negative. Learn to be positive. Your relationship won’t have a chance of making it if you've already thrown in the towel. And if you’ve already given up on your relationship, how can you say you’re trying to make it work?”

Lots of good nuggets in here that many of us might need to hear

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/saving-your-relationship/1236583

 

Wish you all the possible best. Its quite sad what's going on. I really hope it will get better!
Keep being strong and fully committed to your marriage.