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When her heart is neither for you or against you

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TryingHard2Change, Dec 31, 2017.

  1. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    This is great news @TryingHard2Change !!!! I really think this will be so beneficial for you both.
    Not at all! I think it is pretty common for 1 partner to be the organizer. Thinking of you and your wife and hoping the CSAT can help bring clarity and healing to you both.
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This is such good news! It is not weird at all that you are the one reaching out. It shows her how committed you are. One common complaint you will see among the spouses is that they (we) want to see our PAs take initiative and do the recovery work themselves. Otherwise it does not seem genuine, rather it feels as though we are forcing y'all to get clean. I pray this is the next step to a new beginning.
     
  3. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It's not weird, but what if it were? All it would show is that you are so committed to making your relationship work; you are willing to step beyond what is expected of you, no matter how it looks. That's a good thing, it sends a clear message.
     
    EyesWideOpen and Hopefulgirl like this.
  4. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    The only "weird" part from my perspective is I'm not 100% certain my wife really wants this ... but, if she actually goes to meet with the CSAT (which I fully expect her to do at this point) -- then I guess she does want to go .. or at least is willing to go.
     
    Jennica, Kenzi and kropo82 like this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    All I have to say is... Yay
     
  6. It is AMAZING that you are the one doing the work and coordination! That is what we allll want...we want the PA to do the work. It shows your serious and committed! That you do love us and want to do what it takes to make things right and make the marriage work! Good for you! Cheers to an amazing & blessed New Year ahead!
     
  7. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Another update: my wife texted me after her first meeting with the CSAT and said she's interesting .. different than the counselor she has been using .. and my wife thinks she likes her--which is great!!

    I meet with with this therapist, I think either later today or tomorrow....still waiting to hear back from her. :)
     
  8. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Broken3 .. I appreciate that. I just really wasn't very confident that my wife WANTED to go down the path of reconciliation (which doing couples therapy with a CSAT seems to be a first step in that process...not that reconciliation is now in any way guarenteed or anything!)

    ..

    Part of me felt bad for "forcing" a meeting with this CSAT [that I found] on my wife. In other words, I don't think my wife would have ever sought one out for us on her own ... not because she was waiting for me to do it, but because she just really didn't want to do it.

    But, I don't think those fears were warranted .... now that I see my wife's reaction from her text. (we haven't talked in person about it yet)

    ..

    Anyway, once again -- I'm probably over-thinking things. :)
     
  9. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Honestly the CSAT has an understanding unlike regular therapists- I think seeimg her will be so beneficial to you and your wife. Eagerly awaiting updates.
     
    TryingHard2Change and kropo82 like this.
  10. hej då

    hej då Fapstronaut

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    Reading this thread gave me an anxiety attack.
    Reminds me of the time I was going through divorce and all the anxious feelings are flashing back. That time when she was being ice cold towards me but still showing me those little glimpses of hope, just enough to keep me struggling. To blame me for everything while she secretly had someone else on the side while played with me just for the fun of it. I was going through hell and I wish I just told her to go fuck herself.
    THANK GOD IT'S OVER, but the trauma I went through is never gonna be forgotten that's for sure.

    Anyway, I'm not writing it as some kind of suggestion nor hint but rather as a sign of understanding because I'm familiar with the hell you are going through.
    Wish you good luck and success in the reconciliation.
     
  11. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your comment @hej då ... I am sorry that you went through that---that sounds absolutely miserable.

    I am as close to 100% confident as humanly possible that nothing like that is happening in my case.
     
    kropo82, Jennica and Deleted Account like this.
  12. hej då

    hej då Fapstronaut

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    Nah, my case was kinda unusual so I'm not suggesting that.
    Anyhow, I hope you and your wife get through it.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  13. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Update: I didn't see my wife at all late this morning / early afternoon (her CSAT appt was 10:30AM) ... until school pickup time. We actually met at school a little before end of school and brought donuts for our 2nd graders class (celebrating her birthday--this was all pre-planned)

    I was feeling quite a bit anxious ... curious if my wife was going to talk to me in person about her experience with the CSAT. That uneasy feeling is quite exhausting -- I was unsure whether to ask; do I engage in conversation with my wife about something else hoping she brings it up; etc.

    We were at school for about 45 minutes...including 5 minutes of waiting together in the beginning and about 10 or 15 minutes of waiting at the end. I felt determined NOT to bring it up....if she wanted to update me about how it went, she would.

    She didn't say anything at school or in the parking lot or in the waiting room.

    We got home...I felt almost tingly with uncertainty of what to do -- like I just wanted to go to sleep (NOTE: I'm thinking that is how my wife must feel when she just "numbs out") I sat down on the couch..tried to relax.

    I heard my wife from downstairs where our bedroom is yell out, "I am going to go to the gym." I responded, "Ok..I'll watch the kids."

    I was feeling very blah...trying NOT to be overly anxious about wanting to know how the CSAT meeting went. (i was failing at that)

    Then, my wife emerged from the basement..walked over to the couch..sat down next to me..and proceeded to tell me about the CSAT's office and what she was like and etc. .... I listened -- tried not to show how utterly relieved I was that she was sharing with me! o_O -- I did thank her at the end for updating me.

    She asked me when I was meeting with the CSAT...I told her maybe tonight -- or tomorrow.

    I. Am. Very. Relieved. Right. Now.

    ..

    I really don't think the anxious moments I described above are normal or right or good. I have NEVER struggled with anxiety ... Both my wife and I have extremely laid back personalities. But, that whole progression -- most of which was internal..I did end up enjoying my 2nd graders little birthday celebration at school (donuts, we played a group game, etc.).....but inside, I was all nervous and anxious and jumpy -- it felt so edgy.....and it was simply all about not knowing / not hearing from my wife how her CSAT meeting went. I was so wrapped up in wanting to know, wanting to hear from her about it. What does that mean??
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2018
  14. I once heard:

    Before you can have a good spouse, you first have to be one.

    This doesn't guarantee you'll have a good spouse by being one, but you still have to be one. Continue being a good spouse: give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, don't assume the worse of them, .ake plans with the kids and with just your spouse. Live life to the fullest. Eventually, your spouse might want in on the fun. We all get a little dull and dark. Hopefully one spouse lifts the other by being a good example. Don't do it just to make your spouse happy, do it because it will make you happy.
     
  15. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Update: I am meeting with the CSAT at 7PM .. in about 1.5 hours. :)
     
  16. Now I’m anxious to hear about it! Lol ;) Good luck! I’m really happy for you and your marriage!
     
    Jennica, TryingHard2Change and Kenzi like this.
  17. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    (in Kenzi style)
    Session over.
    liked her lot...she is different.
    I talked a lot.
    I like that she is not strictly "hour's up, need to stop."

    I feel like my marriage is no more safer [to be restored] now than before the session. But I think that is just the truth.
    (sorry if that last statement scares any PA's from going to see a CSAT)

    About to walk into the house we are sleeping at...I think my wife and I will be talking soon.

    More later.
     
  18. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Turns out my wife wasn't home when I got home .... she and our 18 year old son went out to Dunkin Donuts.
     
    Kenzi and Hopefulgirl like this.
  19. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Did the CSAT have any insights about your PA? Do you think these insights will help your wife?
     
  20. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    So I've had a couple hours to think by myself about my session....I definitely heard some things that I didn't expect to hear regarding my marriage.

    Ten hours ago I wrote in this thread:
    "doing couples therapy with a CSAT seems to be a first step in that process [of reconciliation]...not that reconciliation is now in any way guarenteed or anything!"

    I don't think I fully believed my own words .. I think I thought once we got into some sort of couples counseling scenario, it could only mean that there was at least a defined path to reconciliation/restoration. To hear the truth that it could still lead to divorce....is really, really hard to swallow.

    I could stay PM free for the rest of my life .... and my wife would be justified in leaving me. I think I have to somehow accept that reality. (this isn't all what the CSAT said .. I am extrapolating)
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Kenzi like this.

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