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When does it get better?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Ravyn, Nov 4, 2017.

  1. Ravyn

    Ravyn Fapstronaut

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    Just joined. Married for 7 years, together for 9. Husband just admitted to being PA 1 month ago, after me inquiring and suggesting for years. He started as a teen, so he overrode any programming for real sex long before he ever attempted sex. He has had ED and DE our entire relationship. He has never O from sex (including oral).

    He seems committed to change. But my question is: what are the realistic chances that he will develop a normal libido, considering he has never had one? Can I expect to ever have a normal sex life? How long after quitting PM does a libido return? Should we be attempting sex during reboot to avoid flatlining and retrain his brain towards sex with me?

    Also, despite him admitting his problem and being ready to change being something I wanted, obviously - I am so angry and resentful. I always knew, but somehow him admitting it made it so much worse. I’m pissed that it took so long, that the research id been showing him wasn’t enough, that my unmet needs weren’t enough, that I wasted years and my youth, that he has been my only partner and has been so lacking, that his actions have caused us so much pain. I’m crying anytime I think about it and finding it hard to be supportive. Help.
     
  2. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this! First and foremost I would suggest you both get proffesional help, him for his addiction and you for the betrayal.
    My SO is 44, used porn all his life but much more heavily in the last 7 years. He has suffered from PIED and DE for years. He is about 50 days (He doesn't like counting) into reboot and we are doing just no PM. He is not allowed to touch himself at all, even when we are intimate. We are now having sex every other night resulting in both of us Oing. It only took him a few weeks before he could O piv! Everyone is different and ultimately you have to do what's best for both of you, but you will get valuable insight and advice from members here!
    Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I know alot of the journeys and journals here are sad.
    This is a trying journey and you didn't ask for it... It's sort of like a car wreck... You weren't driving and it's ok.
    You survived.
    My SO is PM free for a year and a half plus.
    For us... It started to get better about the 10 months mark.
    Like truly better.
    PIED was improving but only by about half... Around a year it seemed to almost disappear.
    Still morning issues (DE) About half the time.
    It's OK.
    The rest is improving.
    We have transparency and a plan.
    Don't get me wrong, we have been on this journey for 2 long years and had two relapses a a blip to get here.
    It's been Rocky.
    I hope you find hope.
    I know the beginning is difficult.
    You have all sorts of trails ahead of you.
    You will grieve...
    He will ebb and flow through his own path.
    It can get better tho.
    I just wanted to drop in to say so.
     
  4. Ravyn

    Ravyn Fapstronaut

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    Also, does anyone else feel weird about PA’s commenting in threads here? I came here for support and advice from other SO’s, not to hear how hard it is for the other side. There’s plenty of other threads for that. Is it just me? Is that unfair?
     
  5. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I find it extremely insightful and helpful. Othertimes I find it hurtful or painful. Especially when I take it too personally. For example, if another PA says they'd never escalate their PA into a RL encounter. It doesn't mean they are wrong to express or think that, but it just makes it more painful for me because my husband did that. I try to be respectful if I disagree. But I can't help but air that grievance, otherwise it kind of undermines everything I'm trying to forgive. If that makes sense? Just take what you need from people's advice and try to ignore what you Don't agree with (if only I could practise this :) ).
    Try to remember too that we are new to all of this. We never asked for it or deserved it. Yet here we are! Our emotions are heightened (I cried yesterday because I squished a bug by accident!!!!) too and we are feeling very vulnerable. Hugs to you xx
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  6. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi @Ravyn

    I'd fully support the creation of a part of this site that was restricted to SOs only if you felt that would help you. In the meantime, if you title your thread 'Women only please' or 'SO reponses only please', I believe most PAs would respect that and not respond.

    However, I would be keen for the all of the rest of this site to feature free exchange between SOs and PAs. Most of the SOs here want their PAs to recover and beat their addiction. A major step on that recovery is for the PA to fully understand the damage that their addiction has done to their SO and their relationship. Hearing the experiences of other SOs in their own words, describing their own feelings, drives home to the PAs just how much trauma they have put their partner through and dismisses forever any lingering feelings that she might be "exaggerating" or "being unreasonable."

    Similarly, while some SOs just want to put the past behind them, many of them want to understand the behaviour of their PA and want some insight into what, if anything, goes through the mind of an addict during their addiction and during recovery. Many of the PAs want to share that information - not because they seek validation or forgiveness - but because they genuinely want to do anything they can to help SOs heal from the actions of their fellow addicts.

    With best wishes for your own healing process.

    ANH
     

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