What to do next..........

Okay first, don't sweat if you relapse, the biggest changes in your mindset come from having to get back up after a fall. So keep getting up. One day, you'll get up and you'll find that you won't fall again. For some people this can happen after just one relapse, for others it takes loads. Think about it, if you're on a diet and you lose 20 pounds, if you then eat a fatty food, you don't put all that weight back on, you don't lose your progress. If you weren't struggling, you wouldn't be getting better. Just keep going and stay focused on why you're doing this, the tangible effects it will have on your life, and how much more happy you'll be when finished.

Access points don't matter, there's always going to be a way for you to access it. Ignoring them is part of the fight. You shouldn't be thinking 'if I could access I'd do it', it's 'even though I can access it I don't want to do it'. Once you accept that your urges are just chemical reactions happening inside your head, you can learn to control and suppress them. We all experience that same indescribable feeling. It hurts, but it's just chemistry, and you need to be strong and push through it.

In answer to your questions, if you feel like your parents would understand, then by all means tell them, this is nothing to be ashamed of and the support your parents can give you is the best available. Remember they love you, no matter what, and they want to help you live the life you deserve Don't give yourself a hard time, you're amazingly strong for coming on here and accepting it's a problem you want to fix. It's such a huge step so be proud of that. Adding to what I said earlier, it is important to identify your trigger, but don't dwell on it too much, focus on the future and the desire to achieve that happy feeling you get from not PMOing.

Stay strong bro, we're here for you

 

Hi Strength. First of all thanks for posting. Reading posts and replying are part of my recovery, so thank you.

I found this post compelling. The 12 day streak is a fantastic first start and tells me you are serious about quitting porn. I see guys here who pop in, announce "I'm done", and back posting a relapse notice withing days, sometimes only hours.

I am also impressed you used porn blockers on your initial attempt. Many guys just go on will power alone. Most of them fail, as I initially did myself. I understand you have gotten around them, but the fact you used them in the first place is actually a hopeful sign. Ultimately no porn blocker will stop an addict from accessing porn if they are determined to do it, but they do slow us down, give us a minute to remind ourselves what we are doing, that we are quitting and why.

You use the word addiction, which puts you way ahead of the learning curve here. "I am addicted" were the three biggest words I uttered when quitting porn. It is not so terrible, it is not so bad, and the addiction can be overcome with some simple tools and lifestyle change. Unlike drugs, which have been known to be addictive for centuries, we have only come to understand that porn can be addictive, and so have only begun developing methods to overcome the addiction quite recently.

Getting educated about your problem will help you overcome it. Ours is actually quite a simple little problem based on some very simple brain reward chemicals in our brain's primitive reward center.

Click here:

http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2402-Get-educated-get-tools-and-learn-to-love-withdrawals

On the first page, the first link, is to Gary Wilson's TED talk on youtube. Gary runs the yourbrainonporn.com site, which you need to visit on a regular basis. You can find his video independently by going to youtube.com and searching yourbrainonporn It is about third down, the one with the fish asking "What's water?".

You need to get your tools back in place. Tools are things you need to put between you and porn to make it difficult to access the problem.

I think this is where your parents could be an asset. First of all, I suggest you sit them down and back into the conversation by giving them the education. Talk to them about what you learned in Wilson's video. They, and you, need to understand that porn is a button we push to get a dopamine release, or high, or fix, etc. You need to understand, so you can tell them, that unconsciously, once a guy watches porn enough times, that dopamine release becomes automatic. It is not that you want it or not, but once you have rewired your brains' reward center the release becomes Pavlovian; like a dog that smells food will drool, a porn abuser that sees or thinks of porn will release dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is the best drug in the universe, we love it. It's purpose, from an evolutionary point of view, is to encourage reproduction, as in sex and sexual thoughts. Problem: we did not evolve with High Speed Internet Porn, and that part of our brain does not make a distinction between HSIP and sex, it rewards both the same, with a dopamine release. It actually comes to prefer HSIP over sex because it is available 24/7, is easy, requires no effort, and offers constant novelty.

Get educated before you talk to them; maybe even have the Wilson video available to play for them. Let them know this is a real problem with actual chemical modifications having occurred. Once they are up to speed on that you can ask them to help you with your efforts to use blockers and the like to block access. Part of this problem is technology, so, using technology to fight it is ironically appropriate.

The relapse is unfortunate but not a disaster. The science says that the relapse does not put you back to square one. You must understand what you are doing when you quit porn; consciously or not you are lowering your dopamine levels. It is better for you if you do that consciously, be aware of it. Guys like us pump dopamine on a regular basis through PMO. When we quit PMO, our brain does not like it; it loves dopamine. That is where we get into withdrawals; which is what makes us fail. Back to that in a second.

So--quitting means lowering dopamine levels. Also, it means rewiring what gives us a dopamine reward. We evolved to get that reward, on a lowered basis, from actual sexual interaction and thoughts of a real person. If successful your dopamine levels will lower to normal and you will get that fix with a real person. The relapse does not take you all the way back to square one. It is a set back, but not all the way back.

Lastly, a word on withdrawals. They suck. They are simply your brain's reward center punishing you for not giving it the reward you have, day in, day out, multiple times a day, for years. You have to anticipate them, even want them. Depending on the guy they hit really strong from between around 12 days (sound familiar) to 45 days, and you can expect strong bouts with them for as long as 90. These days, I don't get much in the way of withdrawals unless I do something intentional and stupid to get them, such as indulge a trigger. Looking at porn now would not cause me to relapse, but it is a trigger, meaning my dopamine would spike to it, and what goes up must come down, unless I were to indulge it, which I would not, but the point being, it would cause withdrawal symptoms which I just don't love.

You ask about round 2. For me round one lasted about 14 months, during which I made a bit of progress, but could not slay the dragon. Then I found the Wilson vid. That was round 2. Shortly after seeing it I quit PMO and went PMO free, porn free, and MO free. Over 7 months now.

My motto: Get educated, get tools, learn to love withdrawals.

Good luck on your journey, and I want to see you posting some big numbers.

 

good post william...

 

As a parent myself, I'd just like to say that whatever they think about the nature of your problem, their love for you will always come first and all they'll be caring about is getting you better again. If you can bring yourself to do it, I'd tell them, because there's nothing a parent won't do to keep their kid safe : )

 

Strength24, what I have not seen is your specific age, but I assume you are between 20-24 because your journal is in that section. Sounds like you are an adult living in your parent's home. You are not a child. You are an adult. You can tell your parents if you want. They may or not understand. Your father may be into porn also, as was mine. May not be high speed porn, maybe magazines from years ago, maybe an imagination gone wild. Never know.

I would encourage you to take on the job of healing you. Get counseling if you can. Trust me, all counselors and all religious leaders are fully aware of the porn epidemic in the world today and will be supportive. And 'trying harder' is not a successful strategy. William gave good advice above. Watch the YBOP videos over and over and over, days apart. You will learn new stuff each time. Also watch the teenage brain on porn, also at the YBOP site.

Anyway, if you are an adult living in your parent's home, maybe you can set yourself some limits up front, such as you will not use THEIR electronics. Period. Tough to do, as addictions have no rules or boundaries, just excuses.

I have never told my parents, but I was 46 when I gave up porn. But I did let them know I was back into counseling because things just weren't right, and asked them to pray for me. If your parents are praying people, they will be glad to. In fact, if they are praying people, they are already praying for you.

I did have the discussion with the wife, but that is so different than parents that I will not get into it.

Yes, as a parent, I love all my kids always have and always will, even though some days I would sell them to a slave trader for a nickel. You know your parents better than I do. If they fail as parents when you tell them, be understanding, and know there are many men on this site that will man up and be your Dad should you need one.

Much success in your struggles and beyond. Don't give up, Ever.