What to do before "I Do"

Hello ladies, Since I get a lot of questions about this topic, I thought I'd share a great article addressing it.

It's by Michael Leahy of BraveHearts.

(He's going to be interviewing my husband and I in a series of webinars next week--Yikes! BUT ALSO, he's been in the recovery business for over 15 years, so he knows a think or two about it.)

Anyway, I thought it could help someone, so here it goes:


7 Things Every Bride Needs to Do Before Saying “I Do”
By Michael Leahy

I’ve had a lot of conversations over the years with couples who are engaged and about to get married, especially with the brides-to-be who are justly concerned about “his porn problem” and are looking for advice on what to do. So here’s a quick list for the brides-to-be of my 7 Porn Problem Do’s and Don’ts, in no particular order, that every couple should consider before strolling up the aisle, for better or worse:


1. DO insist he starts getting help BEFORE your wedding day – sorry, but porn and sex addicts are world-class liars and procrastinators, so promises of future actions mean nothing in their world and only help them put off really dealing with the problems and issues in their lives…like looking at porn.

2. DO delay the wedding date indefinitely if he balks at advice #1 – what!?! Put off the wedding!!! That’s right. If you really love him, and have enough self-respect to make the tough choices, this could be the one decision you make now that saves your marriage before it ever gets started. Otherwise, get ready for a life of heartbreaks and disappointments.

3. DON’T buy into the lie that his porn problem will go away once you get married – most guys believe this. I did, and just the opposite happened. Because guys usually use porn to escape the stress, anxiety, fear, loneliness, boredom, etc. in their lives. It is their way of self-medicating. But it is also a destroyer of intimacy in relationships (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, etc.). And getting married only kicks it up a notch or two, so undealt with, his porn problem is about to get a whole lot worse once the honeymoon is over. Trust me on this!

4. DON’T believe that this has anything to do with you, because it doesn’t – guys don’t use porn because their significant other isn’t significant enough. It has nothing to do with your not being pretty enough, or sexy enough, or skinny enough, or loving enough, etc. Girls, it has nothing to do with you at all! This is HIS problem, and it likely began long before he ever met you!!! (Re-read advice #3 above). So don’t beat yourself up over this. But DO take it seriously if he keeps playing the blame game and tries to put it all on you.

5. DO realize that most guys struggle with sexual temptation to varying degrees – let’s face it, we live in a very broken, hypersexual world. And we guys were wired by God to respond in a profound way to sexual imagery and content, especially visual. BUT, that is NEVER an excuse for any guy to justify using porn, or committing adultery in his mind and in his heart. You and he deserve better than that. So DON’T make the mistake of throwing out the baby with the bathwater, but DO insist that he acknowledges and deals with his problem, regardless of how big or small it seems to him.

6. DON’T marry this guy if he uses porn or acts out sexually with others and doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Period. Exclamation point!

7. DO marry the guy who is courageous enough to admit he has a problem, and respects himself and you enough to get help now. These men are a RARITY and worth holding onto for life! Period. Exclamation point!