What to do after finding out the truth?

Hello and welcome to a position most women never dreamed they would be in, but we are here and willing to help you through this in anyway we can.
First the emotions you are feeling are normal. You feel like the entire thing was a lie! Do you really know him, did you ever? It ruins every happy memory you have with him. You feel totally out of control. I wanted to jump out of my skin. It will subside but betrayal trauma is very real. It’s not just about the porn it’s the betrayal that hurts more. Your whole view of the world has changed.
Second, don’t blame yourself. Most women have no idea about the extent of porn addiction so you had no idea it would be this bad. I like you was engaged to an addict who never stopped PMOing and lied. Had I not found this page and this men and women I would have married him too.
Third he probably really did intend to quit but could not and was too ashamed to tell you because he knew it would disappoint you. Men are fed the lies that all men view porn and it’s normal top that with the delusion of an addicts mind he prob told himself no big deal. Pmo addicts also think that when they get married they will stop. Except the addiction is not about sex. It’s a coping mechanism and marriage and kids add stress so he went back to his only coping mechanism.
3. His attempt to minimize his behavior is also the normal reaction .
4. Get yourself in solo counseling ASAP.
5. Set your boundaries and have your consequences if he crosses. Make him check in daily and tell you he has not PMOed . Ask for passwords to all his devices and tell him he must install blocking software.
6. Insist on him getting solo counseling . It seems to me he has a ton of underlying psych issues he needs to deal with those or he will relapse to another addiction.
7. Know he will most likely relapse again and decide how you will deal when that happens. How many relapses are okay? You do want to foster honesty from him so if he relapses how do you want him to tell you?
8. Take time for yourself and put your feelings first. Empathize with his pain if you can but look out for yourself first he will be looking out for himself. And know your limits if you decide you need to leave him that’s okay. And finally
9. Know this is in no way your fault that you are good enough Pretty enough and deserve more than this. Nothing you did caused it and nothing you can do will fix it. This is all on him and we just have to hope he’s ready to change.

 

Hi,
I'm fairly new to this but you say your SO became emotionally and sexually abusive towards you. Please please make sure you and your baby are and feel safe. Do not stay if you are not safe.
There are lots of SOs and PAs on here who can advise you on your journey. Or just listen. So long as you are SAFE. Hugs xx

 

Only you know what is best for you and your family.
I am still reeling from everything I have found in the last few weeks. I'm unbelievably traumatised by my husband's behaviour. I'm beyond distraught at his infidelity. I am angry as hell that he jeapodised his job and our families future. But I am willing to try and overcome all this. As long as he fights this addiction and strives to be a better man, I will fight to forgive him. To put this all behind us. Somewhere under all the deceit shame and guilt is not the man I married but a better version fighting his way out.
Only you know how much hurt you can withstand and only you can ultimately decide what is best for your family.
I know how hard it is. Hugs to you x

 

Without trying to be argumentative or confrontational, i'd like to comment on this. I'd like to point out that in your original reply you told BriarRose to leave her partner. You also said that to do something 'repeatedly and perputuately' do something 'catastophic' is 'unacceptable'. Isn't this fundamentally what a true addiction is? It's one thing to have a bad habit. It's another thing entirely to do something because you have lost complete control. To view porn or have an encounter for the rush even though you could lose your job or your family. Even though afterwards the shame and guilt leave you reeling or spiralling into depression or getting drunk to forget the pain. In my opinion you are telling her to leave a relationship because of the very things this addiction can make you do, which is ironic in a forum for partners of PAs. I'm not saying she should or shouldn't leave, or saying you are right or wrong to have your opinion. I merely pointing out the facts as I see them.

 

I agree with you that generally on NoFap we should never tell people what to do, but that’s different than giving a direct unequivocal opinion which is what he did. When there’s physical abuse I really think the only advice is leave. I could never see myself telling a woman or man who’s being physically abused to stay for any reason. I took sexual abuse to mean physical so maybe I’m wrong. But when I hear that to me it’s no longer about NoFap it’s about physical safety.

 

Thankyou for being respectful in your reply. I agree that nobody should feel they have to stay in an abusive relationship. Everybody has the right to feel safe. And I posted that in reply to BriarRose. I told her if she wasn't safe, to leave. However, in her subsequent post she said she had no reason to feel that way. Maybe I read into this wrong but I assumed she meant something different than actual physical harm. I myself have felt violated. But I haven't been physically.

 

I merely meant that you list a whole host of reasons why she should leave her partner, but in my opinion the reasons you give are the symptoms of addiction as I see them. And as this is a forum for support of the partners of PA I found it ironic. Maybe I took your post too literally, or read it wrong. As I said, I wasn't trying to argue or say you were wrong, I just wanted to point this out.