What my sister said

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Qnb42078, Oct 13, 2018 at 10:44 AM.

  1. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I recently told my sister a few weeks ago EVERYTHING. She read my nofap journal. So Ofcourse my phone rang after my trip away from my SO . I told her what had happened. I told her about the boundaries and consequences that were in place . She said “ I don’t want you to take this wrong and I understand why , but it sounds like you are treating him like a child , does he feel that way ? “
    I don’t think he did /does . He understood when signing them what they were .

    But then she said “ God , I’m so sorry , that sound like so much work to be with a porn addict, I just hope it’s worth it , if you think the relationship is worth it , great , but if not I’d walk “
    THIS has me sobbing . She validated just how much work it takes to be an SO of a PA . If other parts of this relationship weren’t SO great , ya I’d walk . But for now I FEEL this is worth ALL the work
     
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  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I have a few comments about your Sister's comments:
    • She doesn't live with him. She has little skin in the game except for her sister's. It's easy for any bystander to say "...I'd walk..."
    • Sounds like you are treating him like a child? As an addict, treating us like a child is what we understand the most. It's not until we get out of the addict fog that we act like adults and you can treat us like an adult. Issuing boundaries is the same as if you are issuing them to a child. You wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior out of your child. Do not tolerate it out of your husband.
    • IF he is not making any reasonable attempt, and I say "reasonable" because a "half-assed" attempt doesn't cut it, I would definitely consider walking because he isn't at a place, he isn't at "Rock Bottom" and isn't inclined to do so until such time that he is. That is a very huge common denominator for those ready to resolve to fix it. They have to realize that the consequences of not fixing it are far worse than what they face to fix it.
    • For anyone who goes down the path you are going, yes, it is a hell of a lot of work. It's a lot of work none of you wanted or asked for. But only you can decide if he is worth the trouble and effort. But I certainly wouldn't put in more work than he is. This is his. He owns it.
    I am glad to know that you "...FEEL..." that it is worth it. As for me, I was not worth it. But that speaks more about her than it does me. I know what I did. I know what my contribution was. I know what my effort was to resolve it. But I wasn't worth it. My consequence and burden to bear is mine alone. The best I can do is reach out and help others.

    You're doing great my lady! I'm proud of you and your progress.
     
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  3. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    In her defense , I totally blindsided her with my journal recently, she NEVER would have ever thought there was a chance my husband would do anything to hurt me especially over and over in 22 years . She could only see what she saw , a gentle , loving , affectionate husband who would hold my hand at parties and pull me into his lap in front of “bros” , her SO is cold , distant , basically a “dick” . What she meant by “ Id Walk “ i think is her talking about her marriage, him being all those things AND a PA , ya I’d walk too ;)

    Honestly I think B&C would not / could not have worked ANY day before he actually AWOKE . It’s weird it all happened at once . I became stronger , ready to just say “EFF THIS “ I’m better than being numb , but knowing myself I knew I couldn’t just STAY in a marriage emotionally unattached so the door was the next step . Him seeing I’m serious . I don’t think it’s that I’m doing more work than him on his recovery now , but like I dunno I’ve always been the leader here . We sit in a spot now where he’s not as shy /quiet /shameful talking about P .
    IT IS ALOT OF WORK TO BE AN SO . So what I was saying, someone completely on the outside of a PA situation saying it sounds like a lot of work couldn’t begin to understand the work and still thinks that FOR me ? Ya I 100% agree and any SO that thinks they are weak for staying couldn’t be more wrong . It takes a STRONG woman to actually stay . It takes a BRAVE woman to stay and support and try to help fix things . I guess I have no choice but to be both Strong and brave If I want to stay in this marriage . I’ll stay until . Until I think I’m too damaged to be good for myself, my kids , and my future boyfriend;)
    Jk on the last one .
     
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Agreed. It had to be integral to him hitting "Rock Bottom"
     
  5. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    It’s funny /ironic that I thought ROCK BOTTOM was 20 months ago when I found the laptop , and he was given my requirements of things that had to be done for me to stay . This was not an ultimatum. He did everything I required . But then I had to add requirements when I started REALLY doing research. When I recently said during FANOS that I wish I started B&C right after DDAY , he was honest and said they probably wouldn’t have worked he probably would have still fought me on them . Do I wish he would be all gung ho and say “ hey I want to join nofap “ yes but that’s not going to happen anytime soon . And maybe I’m ok with that a little . I’ve found this place for ME NOW ;)
     
  6. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you got to hear this from your sister. My therapist said something similar to me this week. It felt good, really validating.
     
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  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    ;)
    It was really just the way she worded it in her soft caring voice . And you know what ? It is ! I hate that I have to answer any questions about my thoughts on PA . I hate that I have to see a therapist. I hate that my relationship has to have “check ins” !! More than anything I just want to be able to go out in the world with my HUSBAND and not be triggered . Such is life right ?
     
  8. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I’m glad you told her in that over time she can learn how to support your efforts and more simply you.

    Your reaction to her suggests this?
     
  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. I told her right away to not bring it up , if I needed her I’d let her know . Because if I’m having a “good” day with not a lot of BT , I don’t want her bringing it up just to make conversation ya know ? She’s the closest one of my sibs to him ( besides my brother that is , not a deep feelings kind of relationship, but they text each other about new craft beers lol )
     
  10. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    It takes a very mature spouse to remain in a relationship when trust has been compromised. But, honestly your husband is as described above, gentle, loving, affectionate. He also has a porn addiction which is preventing from being his true self. You obviously love him and are willing to endure this storm him. Remember this - you grow as an individual in times of trial. And couples move through difficulties only to find they are much closer after the storms have passed.

    I find her response a little void of understanding and support. Her husband has issues it appears. Being mean and cold to your spouse is not really a redeeming quality - porn or no porn. Plus, it's not out or reason that her husband may be an addict as well. Statistics show a lot of men are. I read that 7 our of 10 men admit to visiting a porn site once a month - 5 seriously addicted. 5 out of 10 women - 3 addicted.

    Bottom line, do what is right for you and if that is standing by your husband. do so. Before you leave and call it quits you'll know that you have done everything in your power to make things work. It's a hell of a lot of work and it does take a very brave woman. Kudos.

    HF
     
  11. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Umm ya I’d say 22+ years , 11 of them knowing he’s a PA had me putting in a lot of work . As for her husband, when I showed her my journal she said “ ya I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a porn issue “ OFCOURSE this has been something I’ve suspected for a long time ! At this point 18 months after DDAY #2 , and for only the last couple months I’m only now feeling like he is standing by ME . When and if that stops I’m out . For now I’ll be brave , never to feel a fool again ;)
     
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  12. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god, seriously. Same! I wish I could just have a normal husband wife relationship instead of all that bullshit.
     
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    This goes for both of you wonderful ladies, and I say that so endearingly with the utmost respect, because I don't want you to think for a minute that I am in any way invalidating your pain, your betrayal, and your trust. You've certainly earned that right. And when you say "...I wish I could just have a normal husband wife relationship instead of all that bullshit...", I wish you could too. It really sucks in the very worse way.

    But consider this. At this moment in time in your life, as much as you "wish" for these things, so too do we. Because I'm here to tell you, this bullshit, this addiction, that we've had to live and deal with for what amounts to most of our lives? It is the worst kind of purgatory you can imagine. We don't want to lie. But we do. We don't want to act out, but we can't stop. We don't want to betray you, but our own betrayal predisposes us to do so. All of these things are encapsulated in our addiction, that compulsively, compels us to do them. The bottom line is, we don't/didn't want any of this bullshit either. None of it. I hate what it has done to me. I hate what it has done to my wife. I hate what it has done to my family. I hate what it has done to you. I hate what it has done to your Partner. I hate what it has done to your family. It is a huge shit sandwich, and everybody has to take a bite.

    I find myself in a good place as far as addiction is concerned. Maybe that's because I understand how it manipulates us into doing things we otherwise wouldn't entertain getting ourselves into. But I do know that if i even venture into the gray area, that middle circle, yellow circle, behavior, I'm in trouble. Because one middle circle behavior leads to another to another to another until eventually I fall into the inner circle or red circle. That's how much of a control it has over us. Am I perfect? By no stretch of the imagination. I have watched as my fellow peers one by one have relapsed. And they do so in large percentages (75-95%). That is the stark reality. They get back up on their feet, dust themselves off, get back up on the saddle, and they go again. I know it's tough to be in your shoes. But remember, this is addiction. This is a genuine brain disease that we have developed, in most instances, through no fault of our own.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that in a nutshell, again, I don't want to take away anything that you say or feel. You've earned that. Just remember, we have our addiction that is our own personal hell. And like yourselves, we're wading through this bullshit we've gotten ourselves into just as much as we've dragged you through it. It's what we've trained ourselves, our brains, to do. Is it fair? Nope. But life rarely is. But I do want to apologize to you on behalf of all of us, even those who have yet to realize the damage they have done, for everything. I'm sorry! You're amazing women for having the wherewithal to stick around and try to research, learn, understand, navigate, and to work fearlessly and tirelessly to salvage your relationship. And if you're Partner is working the program and not the system, he is amazing too.
     
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  14. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    My wife told MY sister in the summer when we were on holiday together (kind of had to in order to explain why we were having a Skype counselling session in the middle f the holiday) and she said much the same thing - in fact she said that she would leave.

    In her case I put this down to the fact that if her husband turned out to be a PA it would tap straight into her deepest insecurities (she is very overweight and has body image issues). I’d quite like to talk to her and explain how my own eating issues and my PA come from the same place, but we are not that close and honestly I don’t feel the need for her to understand.
     
  15. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Many women that DONT have body issues at all leave their porn addicted husband. A lot of the times the porn addiction CAUSES body issues in the SO . I wouldn’t tell my spouses family , that would be his job if he felt it necessary ( which he would never )
    Her heart was speaking for herself when she said those things . So I think it’s just that , if we aren’t IN the situation, it’s very easy to say “ I would leave , or I would never put up with that “ that kinda goes with anything right ?
     
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  16. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Right, it’s why I said “in her case”

    It’s something I’ve been pondering though. I think most people would criticise someone for leaving their spouse if they gained weight. But what if that weight gain was as a result of compulsive eating, which itself was a soothing mechanism? That’s what I used to do, and what my sister still does. Would her husband be justified in leaving her because she’s a sugar addict?
     
  17. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I think I just read somewhere that having a food addiction and PA addiction are common . Define weight gain lol but really , does it change her personality, is she cold , unavailable etc . I think it applies same way as PA , really any addiction, if the addict is actively feeding the fight wolf I think it’s unfair to “just leave “ after the first discovery . There’s just really something about the porn addiction that affects my femininity to the CORE . I can easily say , I would have easily stayed if he ballooned in weight, THAT does not affect MY sexuality, my security , that wouldn’t also drag me to a fucking therapist .
     
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