What if I hate people and am ugly?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by kickbuttmario, Feb 27, 2016.

  1. wanabefree

    wanabefree Fapstronaut

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    I have seen countless guys that do not have an attractive face or are even fat that are in a relationship or dating women that are very physically attractive.

    So there are other factors aside from looks that are drawing these women to these men :)

    For example:
    - a guy that they genuinely feel comfortable communicating with
    - a guy that is financially wealthy (or represents himself in a way that he appears to be wealthy because he drives a luxury car, lives in a beautiful home, carries lots of cash with him all the time)
    - a guy who has a slim and toned body
    - a guy who has a muscular athletic figure
    - a guy who has a high income job or a stable well paying job
    - a guy who owns a successful business
    - a guy who does very well academically
    - a guy who has integrity and is honest
    - a guy who is considerate of others
    - a guy who considers his family to be important to him and does what he can to take care of his family.
    - a guy who is a great listener
    - a guy who prioritizes her and gives her a lot of attention
    - a guy who is very knowledgable and well rounded.

    Basically, we all have DIFFERENT expectations, both men and women, in terms of what we expect out of our partners. It doesn't mean that looks is the only deciding factor. For some women, looks may be important but, in fact for many women, looks is not the most important criteria!! :eek:

    What I am trying to say is that even if you are lacking in one department, for example looks, there are other factors that women look at as well when they consider a potential partner.

    It doesn't mean that we should all try to force ourselves to meet their expectations.

    I think it is important that we learn to accept and love ourselves more, since in the end, if no one is your friend, at least you should be your own best friend. You deserve that much ;)

    Some ways that you can start to be kinder to yourself is by treating yourself well. Doing things for yourself that will make you stronger, better, empowered, happier, and more positive. Get to know yourself better by exploring different hobbies. Even working out at the gym NOT to impress others but to nurture yourself. Do it for you.

    While you discover yourself, you can try to communicate with more women to make yourself feel more comfortable around them and to build more confidence in your ability to communicate with them. It's a good start to just be yourself when you communicate with them. Without interaction with the opposite sex, it will be hard to find a person that you can connect with on an intimate level.

    One thing for sure is that pornography and PMO will obstruct your efforts in maintaining a healthy relationship with the one you want to be with. Being faithful in a relationship is one of the hardest things that you may face, when you find the right one, when you have PMO addiction :confused:

    I can say more but I will stop here.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2016
  2. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    You have one of those journals, too?! ;)

    Yes, there are days that I want to punch people in the face. But no, I do not believe hatred is the answer. I have a vision of world where everyone loves one another (and where there are rainbows and ponies and trees of cotton candy and beautiful butterflies, etc., etc.). I know this is an idealistic world that will probably never exist. But if I do NOT actively pursue that vision, than what chance is there for that vision to become a reality? Next to none. What chance is there for it to become a reality if I actively pursue it? Let's be honest...still next to none. However, it is still more likely if I actively pursue it than if I do not actively pursue it. It may not make a huge difference, but it does, in the end, make some difference (whether you notice it or not).

    If you act a certain way, you give others permission to do the same. Live up to the standards that you expect of others. If you wish to be treated with dignity and respect, continue to treat others with dignity and respect, even if they do not respond in kind.

    I see the philosophy behind the hatred policy, trust me. I've been an advocate for it before. But it goes nowhere. And while rage can be fun, it is not very beneficial in any meaningful sort of way.

    This is, of course, all opinion. Feel free to disagree.
     
  3. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Well said.

    Though I would also point out that one shouldn't simply pursue physical beauty. This is even more the case if one is not physically beautiful--it would be hypocritical to demand beauty of another. If I am physically unattractive, what right do I have to demand physical beauty of a mate? Shouldn't they rightfully be able to demand the same of me? And, of course, we have little control over our appearance. So it would be unfair to judge someone by this standard.

    I would argue that physical beauty is not what we really desire. We desire acceptance. Rejection hurts.

    What is the measure of a human being? Character. Virtue. Meaningful qualities that can be developed by anyone, anywhere. And these require effort to develop.

    This is also opinion. I am aware that there are different views. This is simply mine.
     
  4. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    I can recognize myself in many of these. A part i'm not rich. I don't have girlfriend and hardly attract girls. What then ?
     
  5. wanabefree

    wanabefree Fapstronaut

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    First of all, you seem to be grouping females as if they are one entity. The thing is, each female has different expectations or factors that make them feel attracted to certain men.

    When you say you hardly attract girls, for what reasons do you think they are not attracted to you?

    For many of us men, when we feel attracted to a woman the apparent attributes that we notice right away are their physical attributes and their behaviours. In regards to physical attributes, I place more emphasis on the attractiveness of their face rather than how slim they are. I wouldn't mind if a woman was on the chubby side if her facial attributes are attractive to me. For other guys, maybe facial attractiveness of a woman is not that important, and is secondary to other physical attributes.

    Initially, these physical attributes may attract me to that particular female, but there are so many other factors that I take into account before I consider them to be relationship material and be either turned on or off by them. Their personal character, personality, and values as well as how well we interact and communicate together is important to me as well.

    If a woman that was not that physically attractive to me wanted me to be attracted to her, the only way is by getting to know one another through communication. If we don't interact together or communicate, I will never be able to find out about her personality, character, interests, and values. The only way for me to know whether or not I will develop feelings for her, is by spending time together.

    Therefore, what I am trying to say is that even if the women that we like are not initially attracted to our external attributes, by communicating and spending time together we will get to know each other. Some of these women would find our personality, values, character and interests to coincide with their expectations and they may be happy to reciprocate the feelings we have for them.

    That is why I think it is important to get to know ourselves and do the things that will make us live a more positive and happier life.

    At the same time as the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the pond. If we wait for things to happen, we can be waiting a long time. By initiating ourselves to approach more women, our chances of finding the right one for us increases.

    For me, the way I look at it is, by approaching at least 200 women, at least one would be interested in dating me.;)
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2016
    HitB, Lesoldat and TakingTheSteps like this.
  6. wanabefree

    wanabefree Fapstronaut

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    Even if we are physically unattractive, I believe that we still have the right to pursue women who are physically attractive. I think we have the right to desire what we ant. That is being true to ourselves.

    This is the reason why I know men that were physically unattractive but who successfully got into a relationship with a very physically attractive female. The reason for this were because the men were able to meet the expectations that these females had.

    For example, a young doctor that I know who is not physically attractive married a very physically attractive female. It may have been his status as a doctor or his income potential that made her attracted to him or it could have been his personality and confidence as well.

    In the ideal world, it would be great if everyone viewed the measure of a human being as those "meaningful qualities" (character, virtue, personality, etc.).
    Unfortunately, we live in a world where a lot of people desire superficial and materialistic things, which many consider to be realistic demands.

    Therefore, if we are pursuing women based on their physical beauty and we are physically unattractive, then we should be ready to meet the other expectations of these types of women, regardless of whether these demands are "meaningful qualities" in nature or superficial/materialistic in nature.

    On the other hand, we can choose to pursue women who place more importance in these "meaningful qualities" and are not as materialistic, regardless of their physical attractiveness.
     
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  7. Emotionally_indifferent

    Emotionally_indifferent Fapstronaut

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    Man you really have had a tough time, I feel sorry for whatever bad happened but since my empathy won't help you, I'll try to practically motivate you to stay on the right track which you initiated by making muscles. Just know that nofap will potentially help you in many health areas one of which is hairloss and hair health. A leading cause of hairfall in men (male pattern baldness) is DHT (dihydrotestosterone) which is formed when you masturbate, this is something theoretically true as well as from my personal experience. We do everything for a reason you won't feel motivated or energetic to pursue or avoid something until you know the reason behind and keeping in mind the consequences. So what could you do to reduce/block DHT? The best way I think is to drink green tea (it's a natural DHT blocker) apart from that it has antioxidants that will improve your health and has anti-ageing properties that can help you with your looks. Don't target porn directly, target the triggers and try to avoid any such trigger. Another thing is to find a hobby or passion and work on improving it, distractions don't help you in case of life problems but for any kind of addiction it surely helps, your hobby will keep your mind off and prevent any triggers to MO or PMO. And if in case you've experienced a problem and felt like masturbating afterwards, that's escapism, believe me masturbation has nothing to do with your sexual desire. When we say porn/masturbation addict we actually mean dopamine addict, yes masturbation releases huge amount of dopamine that makes us feel good and forget about our problems but does not solve it. So next time if you experience something bad and decided to masturbate rethink and try to solve the issue you will feel a lot better.
    Psychological analysis to your attraction towards gay porn or men:
    1. When you got rejected by girls numerous times you started doubting your masculinity and it hurts the ego less to admit that you are gay than to admit that you got rejected (conclusion: you are normal, just like any other men and interested in women rather than men)
    2. You were subconsciously afraid of the other sex because as per your experience you were only helped by men and rejected by women so you developed an intense fear of the other sex.

    And frankly when someone comments you regarding anything it's partially true because its something that first passed through their perception and got a bit distorted, its not your true reflection.
     
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  8. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Haha. I think you may have misinterpreted my comment...I probably worded it poorly. I should have used "just" instead of "simply," though "just" would imply that physical attractiveness is what everyone is pursuing. And that would be inaccurate, as well.

    I definitely think everyone has a right to pursue anyone they wish on whatever basis they wish. I was simply pointing out the hypocrisy of people demanding something of someone that they cannot provide themselves.
     
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  9. wanabefree

    wanabefree Fapstronaut

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    I understand your standpoint :)
     
    HitB likes this.
  10. improvement90

    improvement90 Fapstronaut

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    Truth: look out to the world from a sympathetic viewpoint. Look at poor countries, disabled people, kids born in a unchangeable manner. When all else fails this humanitarian eye will fill you with tears and maybe you will appreciate at least the gift of sight, all functional limbs, senses working fine. Use motivational vids from Eric Thomas on YouTube daily to fire u into diet and workout. 5'8 is good height and a decent muscle mass to go with it neutralizes and void u feel in ur facial looks. Some ladies like feminine look. Start by loosing weight, natural weight builds testosterone and confidence like no other.
     
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