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What do you need from your partner to ensure your happiness?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by PugMom, Apr 2, 2017.

  1. PugMom

    PugMom Fapstronaut

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    I ask because I find that there are certain needs that I now have after discovery of his dark secret that help keep it from stinging so much. For example, being intimate with my husband on a consistent basis makes me feel connected to him again. When there is too long of a gap between our intimate times, it starts to make me panic a bit. I have been very upfront and communicative about this. I also find that he used to attend meetings for help. Somehow, seeing him walk out the door and dedicate time out of his week to ensure we don't have another bump in the road was comforting. I also find certain things trigger memories. An example of that would be when I constantly see him with this phone in his hand. I know he's not doing anything, but, knowing that there was a point in time when I had no worries about him doing anything yet he was carrying on many different conversations with a lot of different women to help get him engaged for masturbation it makes me feel sad. We are almost 2 years out and this is the saddest I have been since discovery. Clearly the things I require he is not capable of providing me or not important in his eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. Is it wrong for me to have these needs?
     
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    No I think it's part of the healing process and your mind trying to become secure and safe in the relationship again. All of those things you describe are you trying to trust. I think a huge part of whether or not a woman can heal is how her partner responds to these needs. If asked and he provides and remembers what you said so he continually provides you gain reinforcement that you can start to feel safe. If he fights with you, blows you off or pouts for a day everything you bring it up like my partner that's not helpful. I know many men feel guilty and when you keep bringing stuff up it hurts for them all over again, they are ready to move on. But the man needs to learn to put your feelings before his own and for many addicts that's very foreign and uncomfortable. So him being able to or not able to do it also says a lot about if you can recover from this. If his focus remains on his own needs, his own pain and not yours that's not helpful. Tell him what you need though and why be very clear and see if he steps up.
     
    LizzyBlanca and Jewels22 like this.
  3. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    this exactly
     
    LizzyBlanca and GG2002 like this.
  4. We all have needs. You are defining yours; that's good.

    ^^^^Yes - how her partner responds to her needs.

    Question - Are you using FANOS to foster intimacy and communicate your needs and he communicates his sobriety work? It could be a safe way to bring this out?

    One thing that "ring's true" for me in my research is how sex addiction is actually an intimacy disorder. He may not fully grasp the importance of your needs and his role in helping your healing process (just like you supported him when he was in the healing process).

    Communicating, connecting, and light/fun moments can help partners reconnect so they can meet each others needs.

    Sometimes it's best to just come out and ask (without a chip on your shoulder - I know that's hard - we feel hurt and angry) - but just ask. Ask if he realizes you are struggling a bit. Ask if he can support you and reassure you. Most guys in any relationship don't know what their wife needs. It's our job to clearly communicate it to them in a non-confrontational way.

    I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. I hope you both find a way to have your needs met so the relationship is more fulfilling for both of you.
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    So here's my issue I do communicate my needs in a non confrontational way several times but nothing happens and then I eventually do get mad and he finally does what I ask. I think he tunes out all negative things I say because he does not want to hear it. And if I say it would be nice if you did X he hears I'm a horrible person I can't do anything right so I'm at a loss of how to effectively communicate needs. I agree it is an intimacy disorder and my partner cannot no matter what put my needs first. I'm not sure he ever will.
     
  6. @GG2002 - My question was for the original poster @PugMom regarding FANOS and communication.

    Just in general regarding communication in relationships with sex addicts and their wives/SOs - most people tune out negative communication, especially when shame, guilt, etc. are on-board. Not that we haven't had "negative communication" and even criticism (coming from me), yet I have seen progress when I don't go to the point of extreme anger. Now, my anger comes out more in tears (it's important to let it out) and he responds to the pain behind my tears. He's actually seeing my pain now. It's taken a YEAR for that to happen. (Not everyone is on the same timeline, of course.)

    Anyway --- I didn't want to hijack @PugMom's thread, so I just wanted to let her know that.

    Of course, @GG2002 - your feelings and concerns about your relationship are valid too. Maybe start a thread to get feedback regarding what your SO "hears" when you say X. One thing I do know --- there is so much shame and guilt with this addiction (which often goes waaaay back to childhood and frequently family-of-origin issues), that it's hard for them to "really hear" the partner. It takes a while for them to feel safe and start to recover and be honest an just begin to open up. I know. It's HARD on us.
     
  7. PugMom

    PugMom Fapstronaut

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  8. PugMom

    PugMom Fapstronaut

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    Wow do I understand. Mine is the same way. I have emailed my needs, vocalized them, stated them during marriage therapy, you name it. Mine has the same sort of reaction and it becomes an argument which is why I give up bringing it up. But, then a half hour later, he thinks, comes back and apologizes. He will work on my needs for a week or so and then, it's forgotten again.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah same here. My partner says he feels like he can't do anything right. At first I thought it was a genuine men are from Mars thing and it just took him longer to get it. But what I realize now is he never thinks of my feelings first. That's not to say he does not consider them but if it's between something he wants and something that would hurt me he picks what he wants, it's his default setting and I think it's part of a larger intimacy issue, all rolled up into his porn issue. Letting someone's feelings take priority is very scary for people that fear intimacy. So in my case I don't think my partner can change or he does not want to. The reason your partner remembers for awhile but reverts back is because his status quo will always be him first. So,sure after he thinks it through he realizes that what he did was wrong but most people don't go through that long analysis when they make daily decisions. So when he's put into a situation where he has to make a decision without time to think, or that is not a scenario you have already told him hurts you, he will always chose him not you. I say it's like his moral compass is off. I cannot maintain a list of things he should not do nor can I be there to make his decisions for him. For most people in love or most people in general they run through a scenario that takes into account the feelings of others when we make decisions. We do that innately no one has to tell us that, it's part of human nature. But our partners and many avoidants don't do that or if they do they consider and dismiss our feelings. It's VERY difficult if not impossible to modify this behavior.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  10. This *used to be* the modus operandi for our relationship, and I know the frustration and hurt. Ever since we started doing FANOS, our communication is better and it's kept short and structured. Needs are mentioned daily. The goal of it is to increase intimacy. We actually write ours down non a journal and we can look back and see how things have progressed (or not).

    My hub was so averse to communication about stuff, with a spotlight on him about the sex addiction (understandably) and didn't want to hear only about my needs, blah blah blah. FANOS gives people partners and equal voice. I often shed a few happy tears b/c I feel the connection building between us.

    Here's a link: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/have-you-heard-of-fanos.67103/

    Yep. And many women on here have seen the level of selfishness in their guy. Yet - when they get a "taste of the juice" - intimacy that feels good for him and you together, it can be a motivating factor for change. This is just starting to happen for us, and it feels really good.

    It's difficult for anyone to change. It's impossible if the person doesn't want to improve. It all depends on their motivation. We can't make them be motivated, just like they can't make us be motivated to not care about our needs.
     
  11. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    :D
     

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