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What can a partner do to help

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Hopefulgirl, Jul 8, 2017.

  1. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Folks, tell me what a partner of a PA can do to help overcome this. What does a partner do that doesn't help or hinders progress?

    Conversely, do you have any tips on how a partner can rebuild self esteem after feeling compared/ignored/unwanted for a long time.
     
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    My fiance told me that my support and encouragement was crucial when he was quitting. I had my emotions, but at the same time if he had an urge, I told him he could call me and I'd talk him through it and we could just talk until the urge passed. I helped him get accountable, with blockers and such. I helped him by telling him therapy was something that would benefit him. Even when I was hurt and destroyed I kept my game face on and encouraged him when things got overwhelming. I probably didn't take the best strategy, but I knew that from experience having a support system is one of the best things to have in recovery.
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Sitting with my SO.
    came across this.
    He says - sit down and do the Love Language Quiz.
    Until we did this together we didn't know how vital it would be to speaking to each other.
    My SO REALLY needs words of affirmation, but yours may need little gifts along the way.
    It's the best way to be supportive.
    -from @Rock_Star

    And I make time for me.
    Absolutely MY time.
    No excuses or exceptions.
    Music loud, no kids.
    Whatever.
    Dye my hair, take 2 hours on my makeup, just to go to the store...buy snacks and eat them only I like.
    Once a month I have a Me Day.
    I usually put it on Cuddle Night so we aren't having sex.
    I'm me, just for me and I Dazzle Baby!!
    (he notices, and it feels great....he didn't notice at first, but he does now)
    It's helped.
    Honestly? , music helps more. :)
     
  4. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I can only speak from my own experience, but my ex-wife did a few things that really helped me. First, she affirmed that she loved me unconditionally, despite the pain I had caused her. She was crushed, angry, confused, and betrayed, but she still loved me as a person. That was important to hear.

    But she also stood up for herself. She created firm boundaries around what she would and wouldn't tolerate, and there were consequences if I continued my addictive behavior or if I started 'phoning it in' with my recovery. While unconditional love is important, you can't have unconditional acceptance of behavior, because it just enables the addict to continue on without any consequences.

    One of the things that was not helpful was when she would do anything that felt like she was criticizing or micro-managing my recovery. I needed to own my recovery for myself. You can make suggestions, but in the end, he needs to be the one coming up with ideas to address his addiction, and pull the trigger on them. If you're the one seeking out counselors, or showing him SAA meetings in your area, or loading filters or restrictions on his computer/phone, then you're taking too much responsibility for his recovery. It absolves him from some of the responsibility, but more important, it will make him see you as more of a parental/authority figure instead of a partner. Likewise, while you can and should set firm boundaries, I never found it helpful when my ex-wife criticized my recovery efforts. For instance, if she'd roll her eyes or make a face because I only went to 3 meetings that week instead of 5 ... or if I hadn't worked every day on my 12-step work ... or if I hadn't called my sponsor in a week. Again it boils down to that feeling of being micro-managed. No man wants that--especially from his wife, and especially regarding this issue.

    I think one of the best things you can do is find a support group of real, flesh-and-blood women who you can share your story with. You've made a great first step by reaching out in this virtual fellowship, but nothing is like real human connection. If you can't find a group like that, see if some of the women here will exchange numbers with you so you can talk on the phone. The more you can make your connections 'real', the more you can start lifting those oppressive thoughts and feelings.

    I'd also suggest reading "Your Brain On Porn" by Gary Wilson. It will give you a really good dose of information about the brain chemistry behind porn addiction ... and that can go a long way toward diminishing the thoughts that his addiction was ever about you. Your man has a hijacked brain chemistry that will be brutally hard for him to fight against--so I encourage you to do your best not to see this as a moral/relational problem, and more as a brain problem. That doesn't let him off the hook--but hopefully it will help reduce any feelings you have of not feeling pretty enough / sexy enough / etc.

    If I could like @Jolie's comment 10x, I would. This is huge. Start making your own joy and happiness a priority. You can love your husband dearly, and you can be his biggest cheerleader in recovery, but don't allow your own happiness to take a back seat. When you treat yourself well--through eating well, exercise, reading, self-improvement, buying a new hot dress, etc--that stuff can go miles toward rebuilding your self-esteem. And while you're obviously not doing it for him, I have a feeling he'll start to notice it, too.
     
  5. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    All the comments are so insightful, Thanx for sharing.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure what to offer as far as supporting your SO. IMO just the fact that you are staying with him is in itself very supportive. I think recognizing his accomplishments when he abstains is good. I was in a situation where I was lied to so I have to say it was very difficult for me to be supportive. I was VERY supportive when he first agreed to give it up. But then after not actually giving it up and lying my support was gone.
    What can you deal to rebuild self esteem? You need to get to the point where you see that his addiction has nothing to do with you or sex. Pmo addict has nothing to do with how attractive you are. One former addict on here said something that finally made it click for me. He said that porn star with the most perfect body could walk off the screen and your partner would still have trouble performing and would still fap behind her back. And that's so true. Addictions are about seeking solace and coping with feelings not about intimacy. The other thing is just time. If he stays on the straight and narrow you will feel better with time. You will always be scarred but you will heal. Heartbreak always feels like it will never get better but it does. And finally take steps to not get your self esteem from another person, a relationship or solely based on your looks. It needs to come from within you.
     
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  7. Ref0rm

    Ref0rm Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure if this will help, but a big part of my rebooting is distractions. Going out, gaming, hobbies in general are the goal for me. Keep my mind off any urges i may have.
    As a couple i found talking, and more importantly from my SO's side, just listening to me spilling my guts has helped so much.
    I don't know how your situation is developing, but maybe date nights? Keep him out and about and maybe strengthen your connection a bit in the meantime?

    I'm not sure. I'm still pretty new to this myself so I'm just trying to see what helps from my own situation
     
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  8. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Learning how to be alone is big.
     
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  9. Ref0rm

    Ref0rm Fapstronaut

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    Yup! I'll agree with that.
    Not single, just be alone in your own mind. Comfortable with that...

    On that, mindfulness helps me a bit. Kinda like meditation...

    I hope i haven't just hijacked your post @Drew140 and made it something other that what you meant.
     
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  10. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    No great explanation. I'm an only child. Alone time is my time to think and process.
     
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  11. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing
     
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  12. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Reconnect through touch and feel. Hold hands, rub necks, caress each other, sleep nude next to each other while holding hands. Simple stuff
     
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  13. Whenever you are both ready for sex, initiate it first (not every time, but especially now, that he might feel like a failure) and make sure you don't bring your insecurities to the bedroom. Give him a feeling of wanting him badly (hopefully an honest one ;-) ), because guys also love to be sexually wanted, just like we do... actually, even more than we do. Basically, you have to start training his brain into associating great sexual experience with YOU. Make sure the room has enough light that you both can look at each other. Don't let him look away or close his eyes, but don't be a glance police either. Ask him what he likes. Tell him what you like. I know this may sound tough to do at the beginning of your recovery, but you need to replace bad habits with good ones. This is a good one :)
     
  14. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your suggestions! I see value in all of them, but I have such a hard time letting go of my feelings of inadequacy to pump up his self esteem when his actions wrecked mine :(
     
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  15. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Also- we have been having sex and it has been the best we have ever had. He is present and focused and loving with no issues with erections and let's say I have been fulfilled in ways I never had. BUT I can't get rid of the feelings of being cheated on and cheated out of a healthy sexual relationship for 14 years.......He is out of town now and I am not answering his calls. I feel so upset.
     
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  16. You will get there, no worries. It really takes time and effort on the part of both to get there, but eventually you will. I also couldn't believe I would EVER get over this, but it's getting better and easier every day.
     
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  17. msmc323

    msmc323 New Fapstronaut

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    I'm married 17 years now. And thankfully still married. I'm sure I was addicted to porn before I ever even met my wife. It's just something I secretly brought with me. I think it was manageable until the internet. It took me down a path of darkness and lying and cheating and affairs. I'm know my wife is so hurt and confused by a man she thought she knew.
    I can't get those years back for us! For her or for me! They're gone and wasted!
    So I just try to focus on how much better the years ahead will be. These last 41 days with no lying or porn or masterbation have been the best days I can remember. I feel like I'm out from under and impossible heavy force.
    There's still much work ahead.
    I really have to help my wife understand that I wasn't choosing porn over her. It was certainly not her looks or it wasn't that I didn't find her attractive. Porn makes you go down a path where the only thing that feels good is more porn. It was so easy with porn.
    A different visual every 10 or 20 seconds. No flesh and blood girl can complete with that mindset. It's hard to explain because I don't fully understand myself.
    I tell her I didn't know me either.
    I'm so thankful she is staying with me. I'm sure that was a scary decision to make.
    I have to say so far it has been so easy not to use porn. It was like a light switch went on.
    We are limiting how we make love. We are making out more, kissing, lots of kissing, lots of touching! My erections are doing much much better and we made love the other night and it was our best that I ever remember. And it was funny because we weren't trying to make it the best. We just relaxed and loved the new connection.
    Sorry this went on so long but I know you are struggling with why he used porn when you where right there.
    It wasn't your fault. It wasn't because of how you look.
    Porn was just an easy path to go down and it's a lonely path.
    And his shame kept him (me) on this path. For me the feeling was my wife was very much a lovely woman but I wasn't man enough to be with her. I would see these porn videos and watch these powerful well hung men send these women to the moon and back. Watching this tricked my mind to think I was doing this to these women. Made me feel like a man again.
    That was such a lie!!
    Think things will be better now. You (we) lost what we lost. That can't be changed. Focus on each other, stay in the present. A great future can heal a bad past.
    But he has to stay on course! He has to be focused on you. And you on him.
    I'm so happy now. It's only 41 days but....I'm not lying anymore. I never felt so free and connected to my wife.
     
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  18. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Wow!!! Our stories sound nearly identical. My husband says he finally feels free and he is SO happy, but I feel completely lost and hurt and can not believe the lies for 15 years. I feel like I am looking back on our history and rewriting it. Like "oh that is why he bought me that latex outfit", or "Oh that is why he was so specific about what he wanted during sex-he was setting up a fantasy he had seen from porn". I feel like our past has been cheapened. I used to send him very sexy photos via text, but he would only say things like "they need to be more graphic" or"spread your legs"- it was never appreciated-only compared :(
    I was always very sexually adventurous and now have huge feelings of inadequacy. We too have been having the best sex of our lives ironically enough and I am so mad about time lost and what this has done to my self esteem. He is looking forward to a life of integrity but I am reeling from sharing a life with him that was full of deceit.
    Anyhow, thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate the similarities of our stories. It helps to not feel so alone.
     
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  19. msmc323

    msmc323 New Fapstronaut

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    Yes they our story does seem very much the same! I too was trying to get my wife to come to my level of darker and taboo sex!
    At the time I thought that was the answer! And yes these fantasies rarely worked out they way the were dreamed up! It would be disappointing for us both. Mostly I'd be so disappointed with my own performance. Not being hard enough to even do want I wished! Then it would be over so fast it hardly seemed worth all the set up! It looks so easy on the porn sites!
    In my head I felt I was doing this for her. And if she'd just give into and play along I would really be able to please her. Send her to the moon!
    But it's all a lie. She tried so hard to please me but there is no pleasing an addicted mind!
    It always wants more!
    I'm seeing it clearly now.
    I'll ask her if she has any thoughts for you.
    You two may be able to help each other out.
    I'm sure she is feeling much the same way you are.
     
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  20. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Goodness it would be amazing to connect with her. Message me if she would like and I can give you my contact info if she isn't on this forum.

     

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