Well now....

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by MourdeCallsMeHazel, May 30, 2019.

  1. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Well now...

    Haha, I titled this my thread title :rolleyes:

    I just got done spotting our son on weights...I feel like a super mama bear lol. Tomorrow may feel different :confused:

    I got a LOT accomplished today. I still need my treadmill time and that's next, then the pup walk.

    Mourde came home and our deaf daughter is here visiting so we all had a nice dinner and he helped me get done what needed done so I could have my workout time.

    Lots of hugs today. Lots of him reassuring me I'm okay as me. I needed to hear that and it really got my head cleared up. :cool:

    (These smiley dudes are addictive in their own way lol)

    I can't help but notice my man has changed his writing style today and honestly I like it...it's unique and there isn't that much to tell.

    We are back in our zones and after I give the house a good sage here soon, all will be happy and clean.

    When we are in the zone, we are unstoppable. That I've known since the day we met. Whether it's kids with injuries or problems or a task we both need to focus on to complete, we join forces with my hippy side and his tough side and we make it happen. Oddly the one thing that wasn't clicking was *us*, but we are overall soooo much better now and I'm super proud of him and grateful for his hard work on beating this and being my husband.

    ...I haven't said: he's a great husband...in a very very long time.

    I'm saying it now, because he is.

    I'm gonna steal his writing to say:
    I'm grateful for him being IN and PART of my life.

    It's so damn humid here it's not funny. And I can't wait to snuggle that man and watch some mind numbing sitcom later and maybe even dutch oven him...cause that's the kind of gal I am :p:D:eek::oops::rolleyes:

    All joking aside...I'm blessed. For the lessons, for my family, for each one of you...because without the inspiration and struggles and support and reality of this addiction seen through individual and unique perspectives, I wouldn't be where I am in a happy and healthy way today.

    Stay strong and focused. Be brave and hugs and love to all.

    :emoji_football: and the 7v7 was a blast! And...there's a CARNIVAL IN TOWN!!!:emoji_circus_tent: :emoji_v:
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2019
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yahoo...way ta go guys. What a wonderful day.
     
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  3. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Bullshit

    In an older movie all I remember was they were playing a card game called "bullshit". And the woman in the movie would throw the bullshit card, literally and figuratively.

    I've used that term ever since when necessary.

    When something/someone walks, talks, and acts like bullshit...I toss the card. If I do make a bullshit move...I expect accountability. We're human and screw up and all need brought out when we try to bullshit others.

    Or ourselves. The easiest truth is the lie you tell yourself and believe.

    Think about that sentence.

    For instance today I'm watching our son finish drills and I see he's not in his usual placement and I immediately got upset. Like...wtf he earned his spot and they are taking it away...why?!

    I fretted this for 20 minutes until he got off the field and I spoke to him. He was just filling in on a few plays.

    I bullshit myself there.

    Head coach even took the time to approach me and tell me how our son is "looking good out there". This man NEVER approaches parents...ever. That meant alot to me.

    Mourde is still stressed and we spoke via text this morning some. He's been not as helpful around the homefront and he pulled a move this morning I didn't appreciate. Seems something is in the air cause all y'all acting like goofs with sudden urges and stuff. Settle down peeps and focus on keeping your hands off your private parts this week. Sheesh.

    Bullshit card getting tossed around these forums like Halloween candy.

    I like the fact that Mourde and I journal and see each other's sides. Sometimes I get off topic but 99% of the time our journals match up in some way. Maybe not that he sees things in my way BUT there's 2 sides to a story told. It keeps us accountable. It keeps the bullshit card away.

    I totally get that a lot of women and men don't want to hear or see or can handle the way I approach things as an SO. And I totally get that a lot of men and women don't want to see or hear or can handle the way Mourde approaches things.

    But it works for us. And helps some others in some ways to see how I think and feel versus how he does in a situation.

    It's yin and yang.

    I have a lot of bullshit cards to toss but I think instead I'm going to keep them on my pile because if a person doesn't truly want to utilize opportunities to change and become humbled enough to fight this addiction, rather go through motions and pretend, they aren't worth my bullshit cards.

    The stack I'm staring at on my deck here doesn't apply to Mourde, by the way. He already had his tossed to him earlier today. He's doing phenomenal overall, but he's got to figure out what triggered him these past few days and overcome that himself and stop trying to get down my pants to feel better. Cause this gal isn't his pain or anxiety medication. :)

    Be strong and stay focused. Like I said it's those sneaky things that can screw up your progress real fast. Be mindful and respect yourself enough to be the best you. Don't take any crap and always ask yourself if the bullshit card applies to you.
     
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  4. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Mourde and I are enjoying the evening rain on the porch and he's journaling. We are discussing how I can clearly see how an addict in a relationship can easily fall back into a cycle and how so many fail to a degree.

    There are truly only a limited number of addicts that reach a...final hike up a high mountain. And that hike involves finding the underlying issues and addressing those. Dealing with their triggers and cycles and addressing all the actual PMO crap that comes with it...but there's another level.

    That level is understanding the pain. Feeling the raw emotions from an SO side as much as humanly possible.

    Until they actually fight to feel the miserable hell we've been through and actually begin to fathom that pain and feel it themselves...they will never heal.

    They have to be brutally honest with themselves and the world. And their partner.

    And I'm like sitting here with him and he's journalling now and I'm yapping on and he looks at me and gets this sassy hand thing going and says:

    "Girl I'm so on it already, that's what my post is about so if you don't mind my narcissistic self is writing about narcissism, let me finish."

    I have to laugh because he's correct. And he's figured out and felt my pain as much as he possibly can. And he's honest to himself to change and finish his trek up the mountain he's been on for most of his life.

    Go, Mourde...you get it you manly man, you. Lol
     
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  5. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Stories

    When our girls were little every night I'd tuck them in and we'd talk. And it was a ritual that they would choose 3 animals and 1 place. Anything and anywhere.

    I'd challenge myself to impromptu make up a story with their characters and setting. Some nights were harder than others. It really depended on what Mourde was up to that day...he was more into the real women at that time than the porn. So I'd find myself in a story world with the girls to give them some peace before bed and myself.

    Every story ended the same.

    I'd ask them: what is the moral of the story.

    There would always be several and the girls always figured at least one out and we'd talk about why and used it as a lesson.

    I wish I actually wrote down those stories. It would have made a cool book.

    They'd fall asleep and alot of nights I'd sleep with them. I held them like tomorrow wouldn't come. They were my safe haven from reality and pain. They kept me going.

    They still do inspire me. They are tough cookies. I used to be much different myself. My profession was dominated by men and I was only 1 of 3 women in the entire industry. I'm the last original female working in it however progress has been made since the 90s as many women are in my field now.

    I'd have to meet with board members of companies that were all men. Telling me they'd sign a deal when a man proposed the same offer. I've been told by another to come back in a short skirt and he'd sign the deal. I've been told women know nothing about the business get out.

    Those fools. I was raised in the industry and knew it better than most of the men. Hell I'd teach the guys how to present and explain the trading deals. Pft.

    Then we have my girls who I didn't want to face those moments I was. So every story had a main moral that encompassed compassion and strength and determination and bravery and good ethics.

    All the while I told myself the story: my life is great. What he's doing is okay because he still comes home at night. Even though he's hitting on women at work or writing them letters about sexual wants and they are inviting him to their home...he still comes home. Even though he can't be with me without talking during sex about them or other women he's been with...it's all okay.

    Such a story. I'd leave that out of my kids book lol

    We've come a long long way. I do find myself tired of talking about this topic with him. Its draining. But I know from my own recovery and ACOA we must talk. Alot. We must get every bit of every ounce of rubbish out to be able to rebuild. I'm just tired of yapping...and I love to talk so that says alot lol

    I want him to see his triggers more and when he's flipping to the dark side. Those moment are super brief now and also not nearly as many as before. I think all week he flipped in to addict mode...once? For maybe 7 hours? Most of which was sleeping? That's a pretty big improvement. However had I not mentioned it he would have not recognized it.

    Itll get easier I know. Finally we are at a level place here where I am comfortable in my own shoes and he's finding out quick that he needs to have his own hobbies and to do lists. It's coming along.

    Others see his change in that he's not short tempered or irritable like he used to be. He seldom curses now and for a sailor hey....that says alot lol. He takes pride in himself and self care. And he knows when he isnt that's an indication there's a problem to address.

    Our oldest just asked to eat lobster for dinner. He saw a commercial and has "eaten and it looked tasty". That boy has had about 40 grams of protein in the 2 hours he's been awake and he's starving. Heh. Yea he's starving alright.

    Mourde and I had a fantastical time before we fell asleep. When he shows compassion and is his true self things just click between us. Last night was proof of that.

    Now I have seafood on the brain.

    The restaurant Mourde proposed to me at was a lobster joint. Maybe we will change our plans of grocery shopping and go eat there. We dont often because it's so expensive but...I'd like to revisit the place where it all began. Make new memories.

    I want...to do a vow renewal with Mourde. I didn't mention it to him. But I feel like it's necessary. Not some big shindig. Just he and I. We love the woods. Maybe at this nice walking trails where there's a big lookout area into the woods. Just us and some hot fruit from this heat and some warm bottled water. Sitting in front of each other and making real promises to each other. Ants and bugs zooming around us. While we do our own thing with nature and God listening in and start our story being honest in a recommitment of sorts.

    I like that idea. A lot. I'd like it a lot if he'd take the lead on that idea and one day be like let's go somewhere and surprise me with it. (Mourde seriously I'm basically laying out a super cool date day here in detail...lol)

    I know he reads my stuff lol

    Anyhoo. Stories. What will your next chapter be? What will this chapter close out on? Will it have a lesson and moral to it? Is that moral a positive one that can help you and others to grow, or negative moral that causes negative emotions?

    Only you can write your story. Make it a great one.

    I'm gonna try to wiggle some money for lobster for dinner because the boy has my mind stuck on it now. Damnable kids and their ideas sometimes Haha. I do love them all to pieces.

    Be strong but humble. Happy and positive. Be good to yourself and others. Prayers, hugs and love to all.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
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  6. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    HE ALMOST....

    Dinner was FANTASTIC. The food was awesome, our deaf daughter joined us and oh how we laughed. Mourde was silly and his super fun self and no triggers at all. We ate until we could feel the food in our throats. And we kept laughing. Rough combo there lol

    He almost peed his pants at a comment I made Haha. He ran off and I thought to bust up laughing outside but he told me when he got back he literally almost whizzed laughing so hard. The kids all were laughing and joking too.

    We stopped across the street at a store for basic things we needed (groceries and football gear tomorrow) and our humor kept up about half through. Then I noticed him spending a bit more time ogling and I reminded him the 3 second rule. His demeanor changed to very serious then which sucked. A few aisles later a pretty woman was in the aisle and we went down it and he got kind of shitty and said something like "you were supposed say a codeword or let me know".

    Dude. Ain't my job to case the joint and let ya know you're gonna have a tits and ass issue in aisle 2, 7 and 13.

    Deal with it :) that's life. That's the next step.

    Soooo he's up my butt the whole time just totally wigged out now and I'm just trying to get through the store and we are near the register at batteries.

    He's on one side of the rack and an older but pretty woman comes to his left. He doesn't see her. Our oldest son does. And this woman literally pushes her hand down her shirt and is like...rubbing her boob. Staring at my hubby. And she says "are you in line?".

    My son looks at me and shakes his head at me and I said to the woman "no. Go ahead.". She gets in line then we do and suddenly she steps out and behind us.

    What an adventure.

    What I've learned: he says he doesnt have issues at all ogling. He does. That's what triggered him I am sure the last time when he made his failed attempts at sex with me the one night and then got way off track the next morning. I'm sure he saw someone and that got him going into addict mode. I think he doesnt realize the eyeball triggers are an issue more than he registers in his brainhole.

    When he's comfortable he's awesome. When he's caught ogling...different tune.

    His biggest issue isnt the porn...its real women all around him. He has to find a way to recognize that and be aware. Psubs are the worst for any PA I'm certain.

    He almost made it through in new public places 100% addict free. That's huge.

    All in all it was soooo nice to get out without fretting the inevitable right now and to work with him on that and help him see his daily thoughts of he's not noticing aren't truly correct. He's noticing. He isnt processing that he notices. TV also is an issue for him. Damn commercials these days are HORRIBLE!

    He's a little grumpy but our bellies are too full and this no doubt got to him too. He'll be okay and it's a great lesson and start to the weekend.

    Onward tomorrow to the sporting goods store and groceries and the pool ladder on :)
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You are spot on. This is SO, SO important for recovery!
     
  8. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Damn...

    Damn it's hot out. The storms took some humidity away but jeez...it definately can get to people.

    House is a mess. Pup has a thing for toilet paper rolls, full ones, and tears them up all over the house lol. Sink of dishes yet and I still have 2 beds to make. And it's evening here.

    But...here I am. Because I'm super chilled out inside and super content.

    We had a great time out. :)

    Traffic was fierce and Mourde started off anxiety filled. I told him dont sweat what hasn't happened. We made it to the sporting goods store and it was filled with uppity folks of all ages and ladies galore.

    Did I fret? Nope. I saw some cool shorts on sale and needed some badly and kept gawking at the ladies side. Our son is so damn picky on clothes and after awhile he found some shirts to try on. Mourde saw a few he liked so he grabbed them up and we went to the fitting room.

    I'm trying to tiptoe to ladies stuff but Mourde wanted my opinion on his shirts so I waited. He had us laughing because one was so God awful in color...looked great on the mannequin but Lord have mercy it looked awful on him lol. The second he tried on was a compression tank and he stepped out and me and our boys all jaw dropped. Who knew the hubby looked that fine in compression wear?!

    Damnnnnnn yes we bought that one.

    Finally they got their clothes picked and then they headed to get his girdle and padded shirt and cleats while I skipped to the ladies side. Yay!!

    Mourde and the boys finally made it back and I'm trying on some running shorts and here comes Mourde straight in the fitting room with me.

    Damn. That took some brass balls but hey it was cool he was so involved in helping me choose lol.

    2 hours later we are in checkout and I got the boys whining they are hungry. We checkout and head to the grocery store.

    Loaded up the cart with no anxiety and no worries.

    It was like...we were normal people. Too cool.

    I didn't watch Mourde honestly at all on the ogling. I didn't worry about it. And he didn't either. And (oddly) I am pretty sure he didn't.

    We got home and right before the rains again our oldest tossed some burgers, asparagus and mushrooms on the grill and I made up a salad and we ate a short while ago.

    It was a seriously awesome day. And I'm thankful for that.

    Stay strong, keep focused and continue to grow and take care of you. I'm gonna clean up then work out and Mourde promised he was going to join me in the workout room and do some lifting. In his new tank.
    :rolleyes:
    Damn. And I mean that in a good way :D

     
  9. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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  10. Sounds like a good day you 2
     
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  11. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    It was thanks! We're glad you guys had a great day too!!
     
  12. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Prayers...

    Funny little things aren't they? Prayers can heal, bring miracles at times, more tough lessons other times, harder struggles to teach us to find our own answers. They bring us inner peace.

    I'm asking every one who reads this today to reach out to @Mourde and say a prayer for strength, peace and serenity.

    His father committed suicide last night in a brutal fashion.

    We got the call at about 11 PM and raced over. Homicide investigators and multiple police jurisdictions were there. Forensics.

    It was...a bad bad dream. I thought.

    His sister and brother were drunk and belligerent. His niece was pacing and ignorant.

    They all had a vested interest in his father's death. They all wanted to loot and pillage. They all wanted a piece of the money his father had invested and his house.

    And Mourde and I raced there for quite the opposite reasons. To support the family. To have a hope before the officers told us we could not enter the home due to the investigation that maybe...just maybe..his father wasn't dead.

    What made this worse was we had him 302'd maybe a month ago. We saw him change into a man we did not recognize. He fooled his way through intake and was released. And then his workplace forced retirement due to the fact he was not working and being crude at the workplace.

    His last words to Mourde about a month ago were harsh. There was no love his father had for my husband. Yet Mourde loved and respected his father. Clung to hope that he might change and appreciate his oldest son and he never did.

    I won't relay the conversation they had here. Those memories don't need dredged. Mourde had suffered enough.

    Given our daughter was a suicide survivor...this really fucking sucks for our kids. Granted they seldom saw him, he chose not to be in their lives. Yet they still respected him and hoped, like Mourde and I did, that he would change. And they mourn the selfish way their grandfather got out of life.

    It's a beautiful day here and Mourde is taking this well given the details we had to listen to regarding his father's death. Then the call this morning from the coroner requesting brain tissue for research, and finally the call the body was being released to the funeral home.

    I'm worried about him alot. And have stayed beside him pretty much this entire time. I feel helpless other than to offer comfort and hugs and talking about this and his feelings.

    It's also my father's birthday today. So as I'm telling him have a wonderful day I'm filling him in on Mourde. My father loves Mourde and vice versa...so it was a hard talk with my own dad. He talked to Mourde too and tried to lift his spirits.

    Today is definately a somber day and again, prayers for Mourde and some support are very appreciated.

    And please say a prayer that his father finds some peace in his passing.

    Thank you all so much. Stay strong. Be brave. Love and hugs from me to each of you. Appreciate life and each other.

    And please. Please. If you ever feel so down and out that you need someone to talk to: I AM HERE AND SO MANY OTHERS. Life is a precious commodity...never give up. Ever.
     
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Oh, I am so, so sorry. Sending many prayers and thoughts your family's way.
     
  14. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Moderator Assistant
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    My Journal
    I’m very sorry to hear this. Your family is in my prayers.
     
  15. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    @Mourde @MourdeCallsMeHazel

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I am sending prayers your way both for Mourde's father and for your family's strength and patience during this difficult time.
     
  16. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

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    So sorry, Lee and I are sending you prayers and hugs.
     
  17. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all so much, we truly appreciate it more than you know.
     
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  18. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry for what you guys are going through. Praying for all of you. :emoji_heart:
     
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  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Oh my goodness...that’s horrible...please, please send my prayers to Mourde and the family. How are you doing? Prayers to you too.
    Oh my golly this’s is so sad...
     
  20. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone super big time beside my wife and kids, everyone here has been more supportive then the rest of my brother and sisters were and I am humbled and thank each one of you from the bottom of my heart!
     

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