Well now....

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SOofanaddict, May 30, 2019.

  1. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Awww thank you, you are too! Butterflies are amazing, I love your username!!
     
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  2. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    My mom called me “mariposa” growing up—they are so free! I love them too!
     
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  3. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    4TH QUARTER. 4TH DOWN. TIE GAME.

    I say this ALL the time to our oldest son. I heard his coach scream this out during a conditioning run years ago and man did it stick in my brain. The boys were exhausted and had to run sprints across the field. It was close to the coaches deciding positions and the boys were about half dead having to run against each other. Coaches knew who they were watching and why.

    They wanted to see endurance. Determination. Strong will. And who had it in them to push it.

    4rth quarter. 4rth down. Tie game. What are you gonna do? Give up or win it.

    Our son, asthma, allergies to the grass, the sun, the pollen, artificial flavors/colors, animal dander and a slew of health issues FOUGHT to overcome so much by conditioning and working to adjust his body to accept the environmental allergies...that boy fucking PUSHED it to the max. And he won that day. He beat track stars. He beat long time players. He beat his own records. And I fucking ran out of my car cheering that boy ON like the proud mama bear I am.

    4rth quarter. 4th down. Tie game.

    What's your choice?

    Mourde got real butthurt over my recent posts. He read them the way he wanted to. His OWN FEARS of what he processed and imagined I said about him...he finally journalled. I didn't say he held me hostage here or that he was some emotional monster. He tried to tell me I implied that.

    That's what HE fears I feel.

    We talked a lot after the pup got back from the ER and settled down. She's soooooo much better today thank God. I love that goofy gal so much and she came into our stressed out home at such a bad time in this recovery stuff but oh my Lord...she gives me a headache but inner peace because she keeps me busy. She makes me laugh and she keeps me grounded. She was like a chaotic fluffy gift from God to teach me further patience and get me off of the OCD cycle. She's like a little angel of attitude that makes my heart sing.

    I haven't told mourde about my thoughts on this reality of him processing my journal and expressing his own fears of how I see this situation. That honestly just came to me. I DID explain alot that yea...based on my past dumb choices I have caused him pain. But he cant feel mine. Just like I cant feel his.

    He doesn't recall a lot of what he's done and he doesn't want to. He has to so he can fully see the gravity of what this addiction does to me. I gave him some examples last night and he didnt like hearing it...saying we shouldn't dredge up the past. Until it is cleared up...we have to.

    A good sir here reminded me of that yesterday. Thank you @1dayattatime for that reminder. You helped us so much :)

    We went to bed late and tossed every emotion at the door before we went to the room. And we had a fantastic time together. No stress. No worrying 'is this right to do or not', 'will this trigger him or me'...we just...enjoyed the moment. We won the game.

    So I'll ask each of you on both teams...it's the 4th quarter. 4th down. Tie game.

    Will you win?

    Prayers, hugs and love to all. Smile. Stay beautiful and strong. Never give up.
     
  4. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    It is ironic that you were able to use this one thing that I have struggled so consistantly with and take a step towards healing. I told my wife about it and she laughed. Today she said I really did great this weekend and that felt good. I said cool 1 time out of 100 is better than nothing. hopefully in he future it will be more consistant now that I know her anger is my friend. At least I am trying to know that.
     
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  5. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    So glad she sees your progress and acknowledges it!! And if you can keep up ticking from 1/100 that's a great thing!!

    Mourde made me laugh when he said: "well when you're angry it doesn't seem too damn friendly" lol
     
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  6. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    WHAT IF...

    What if the world were perfect. Happy positive vibes all over. No one hungry or broke. Nothing bad happens.

    I watched this cartoon where this little town was that way. And it was all rainbows and unicorns for a short while. Then it got stale. Routine was the same. Boring.

    People cant grow in an environ that doesn't push them. We can't learn. We can't feel.

    How can you know what happiness is if you've never been sad? How can you appreciate peace without having misery?

    What if our lessons and growth are the reason we are here?

    Yesterday was hectic but great. One daughter had her brand new iPhone stolen assuming the world is a great place as she left it on a restaurant table to use the ladies room. I spent HOURS talking to the phone company and insurance company to get a quick replacement. Another daughter is stressing over her work review coming up like if she doesn't get this promotion it's going to affect the rest of her life. I had to give her the speech about when you fall down, stand up and challenge yourself until you get it right.

    The boys are boys. Dirty socks and stuff everywhere and school is out for the summer.

    The pup is back to herself snagging toilet paper from the roll and racing off around the house like it's Halloween and she's tp'ing up trees lol. Shes doing great now thank God.

    Thanks to Mourde dinner was on time and we all walked the pup. And then he and I talked about his feelings. (He doesn't groan as much during those chats now haha).

    I keep trying to get us all in bed by 10.30 but it hasn't been happening for awhile. Hopefully tonight because we are all tired and it's catching up to us.

    3 things stood out to me over the past day.

    1. Mourde is learning he has to work on those emotions and stop being defensive and assuming the worst.

    2. We usually watch a show before sleep but too tired so we turned it off. And he held me and let me fall asleep on him. (I love that). He held on tighter than usual. I love that alot.

    3. He woke me up to kisses all over my face and saying how much he loves me. That right there was friggen awesome.

    We've been trying to help others with our own stories and struggles. Everyone is unique but we can at least support and we truly care about others and want them to succeed. And by helping others we help ourselves. It's a karma thing.

    Do good. Get good.

    What if...we all just paused and looked at the other side for a few. Not to judge. But to see through their eyes. To see through their emotions. Their pain and turmoil.

    It's okay to be angry. But what if...we all learned that anger is not anger. It's something else. Something deeper.

    What if...we all dig down and learn ourselves and others just a little more?

    Smile. Enjoy today...it won't return. And stay strong and beautiful.

    Prayers to all.
     
  7. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    That is all very true, if you don't experience the bad stuff how can you truly appreciate the good things in your life?

    I was thinking as I read the part about your daughter and her promotion that I hope she does get it, but I also hope she realizes someday that work is not necessarily the most important thing.

    I mean my Dad literally worked till the day he died but was he truly happy? I don't know... For me I have come to realize that work is important but so is living life and while for some work is life and life is work (I used to be that way), you need to enjoy life. It goes by far too fast at times.
     
  8. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Love the attitude and the progress. Your words on anger reminded me of this too.

    D979D173-B25F-4EA4-9B8E-3C9E0F578BA6.jpeg

    Onward...
     
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  9. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    She is young and learning to enjoy life. This particular daughter went through alot in her teen years. Bullied to a suicide attempt because of her speech (she's deaf), peer pressure and whatnot. She was misdiagnosed until she was 13 on being deaf (doc said she was fine on hearing), and literally learned to get by life all on her own. We learned she was profoundly deaf at the same time the bullying was happening.

    In 7 years she's rose like a Phoenix. Went from almost in heaven to a high honor roll student, a mentor for kids with disabilities, a role model and started many support groups online and in her school district. She started an anti-bully movement in the schools. She paid her own way through college and proudly with scholarships and grants and hard work. She's already adored by clients as well as a high profile owner of a major salon (she's a cosmotologist).

    I keep reminding her these moments don't define who she is or how far shes come.

    Shes forgiven every single bully with no Ill will. And she is only 20.

    She's a winner and my personal hero that I look up to. She's starting to see her value isn't defined on a promotion. She's a shining star on a very dark night and always will be :)

    Our oldest daughter is the same way.

    Mourde instilled a work ethic high in them and I'm instilling the "love the moment and enjoy the day" ethic. They both want to retire young but they need to enjoy themselves as the awesome young ladies they are.
     
  10. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Moderator Assistant
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    My Journal
    This whole post was so awesome to read. Thank you for sharing it with us. :)
     
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  11. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

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    Awesome! She is a true gem and I hope she succeeds at achieving her goals.:)
     
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  12. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! You're a unique gem in the world too. Keep fighting and stay strong for your family and yourself. You can do this!!
     
  13. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Quite welcome. There is always light in the darkness :)
     
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  14. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Very well written and congratulations to your daughter. Good job mom and dad.
    Thank you for your support over the last couple of days...I appreciate it. You both were very helpful...it was good having a guys point of view as well.
    Love always and all ways
     
  15. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    :emoji_arrow_backward:
    Hugs and love to you and yours!!! :)
     
  16. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Influences....

    The power of suggestion is a pretty huge deal. I recall a dress that caused this interweb discussion on it's color. I recall arguments that were due to too much input, negative thoughts before discussions were reached. And I think about our kids. Alot.

    4 kids here. 3 disabled in some way. That's a lot of work. A lot of love. A lot of every emotion possible.

    Our youngest is 12 and high on the spectrum on autism. He also has a disability of processing disorder. You know that term "in one ear and out the other?" That's what he has. He doesn't process what he hears correctly. He argues because he doesn't understand and comprehend. Its very difficult at times with him. I wouldn't change that for anything. It keeps us patient, grounded and compassionate.

    It's hard as fuck some days. He has routines. He has his silly and beautiful little odd squeals and he sleeps with a teddy bear he's had since he was 4. George is the bear's name. George keeps the bad things away and makes him feel better.

    He wears his clothes however he wants. Sometimes inside out. He seldom matches and wears winter clothes in summer. But the kid is a whip learning visually. Which concerns me, naturally, with electronics. He memorizes the craziest stuff with ease like a little encyclopedia. It's cool.

    In 4th grade these kids have for years put it on themselves they should have a girlfriend or boyfriend. By 5th grade kissing. By 6th grade "first base". Insane right?

    It's a stigma. And here we are telling ours don't be the "norm". The "norm" isnt natural or right.

    Our oldest son is 15 and made it up until last fall with our preaching. Then he got caught up in the influences and tried to have a girlfriend who basically one day in our house...leeches his neck and leaves bruises. He was ashamed. She was looking to become a preacher...yea...good luck girl. Get the fuck out of my house and away from my boy.

    He learned the hard way, influences suck. He learned not to give in to them or temptation. She tried to make his life hell at school but we quelled that real fast.

    One thing my husband does amazingly is be a father. He protects and raises our kids and provides for them 110%. Every day.

    I myself found my own way of thinking and emotions dictated recently by influences. Then realized how the hell can we teach our kids to be unique, strong and eventually adults who make a positive difference in the world when they are watching me be the "norm" that society has rendered "correct"??

    It wasn't my style. It wasn't helping. It wasn't right.

    I dropped the boys I drive off at practice and as one is getting text bombed by his girlfriend my son is shaking his head like "dude...focus on practice get your head out of your ass and remember the plays". Good job, son...I'm proud of you.

    Where am I going with this?

    Everyone here on both sides really needs to think about their influences. In the real world, here, and in their mind.

    If you influence yourself to think negative or poorly that is how you will function. If you allow someone or something to influence you too far in any negative emotion...things aren't going to go well.

    @Mourde expressed yesterday he woke up in a good mood. His day ended just as good as he woke up. And because of his mood, he influenced positive energy to flow in our home. We all were in a good mood because we all allowed that influence of positive emotion to take over.

    I know it's hard. We all have shit days. But if we remember that we control OUR attitude, OUR will and thinking, OUR actions...every single moment of every single day...then we can begin to make those positive changes and spread positive influence.

    Prayers and hugs for an awesome day to all.
     
  17. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Positivity is something I never practiced.

    You can be assured it is a daily goal I work on everyday. Some days sucessfully, some not but thats life and thats good. I am perfect in my imperfections.
     
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  18. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    MASQUERADE

    I've never been to one but it's on my bucket list. Isn't life a masquerade though? Strangers, costumes, masks...

    Everyone has a mask. Everyone puts the fake smile, fake laugh, pretends they are someone they aren't.

    I work every single day to remove mine more and more, and it becomes easier as time goes on. ACOA helps alot after the steps to see myself for who I am, be who I am, and accept that.

    When you take the mask off and keep it off, you notice a lot. Too much maybe. You can immediately tell the posers and fakes, the lovers and haters, the real and unreal. Sometimes it's easier to put the mask back on. I'm guilty of that still.

    When I graduated high school I weighed about 350 pounds. I ate for emotional relief. I lost over half that quickly with diet change and cardio so I screwed up and now have alot of skin hanging. I've always been ashamed of it.

    If I had removal I'd no doubt lose the rest of the weight I want to and be well below my goals. I'd look skinny, and have a tight figure.

    I'd be fake.

    I realize very recently I earned this body. This skin reminds me of my struggles and wins and the scars remind me of my beatings by my ex and that challenge in life. The crooked "granny finger", as Mourde calls it lol, reminds me of when I was so mad I slammed my palm down on the table yelling that I dislocated my pinky finger (may have broken it) and its never healed right; that daily reminder keeps me in check on knocking off the drama queen temper tantrums.

    My left eyelid droops over my eye more than the right especially when I'm tired or after I'm upset because of a severe sinus infection. I was so sick and told my mother and she told me to sleep it off, when I woke up my eyelid had swollen over my eye entirely and my father rushed me to the ER, the infection was spreading to my brain at that time. Yea...I could get a lift and tuck but...I want to remember what that evil woman did to me to keep my distance from her. Great reminder when I see my face daily in the mirror.

    My chin has the hang to it, I've been doing exercises and they seem to help. (I'm 45 by the way). Raised 4 kids with Mourde. Hes a great dad but due to his line of work, most of the rearing was on me as far as meals, homework, cleaning, ect. He works hard for income and I work hard at the rest. (He's been helping alot more so that's super awesome).

    I could go on...thin hair...wrinkles...everything every other SO says...but they are all earned.

    I've known ALOT of heavier women who have this pizazz and sass and happiness like I've never seen before in my life and I'm like how the hell can they be so damn confident?!

    Because they don't wear masks.

    They have the attitude: you don't like it, don't look at it. And you got something to say...they'll put you in your place.

    They uplift. They give genuine compliments and they are so friggen positive in life that you cant help but soak that energy in.

    I'm an empath so I tend to feed off emotion and always want to help others. I literally hurt when others do. I'm working on that to balance it. Because I feed off anxiety and anger too.

    Yesterday was great. Mourde took off his mask. He doesn't keep his on tooooo long but he does like we all do and yesterday was no exception.

    He was fretting a pay raise and didnt get it when it was promised. And had to wait to hear why and when until this morning. Rather than talk about it he shoved the anxiety down and he did express his worry and started the "what if" stuff but then he would close up right away.

    As the day went on he started to change into addict mode, even when we went out to eat. Dinner was awesome and we took the pup on a walk and exercised on way too full stomachs lol. He needed a hair cut (he shaves his head because he's balding and grey and seriously looks amazing with his squeaky clean head). So I offered to do it for him and he opened up again.

    I explained FEAR. Assuming the worst. What ifs. Hell we never had the extra money to begin with so if he doesn't get it so what? He EARNED that raise but until we knew what was going on we couldn't change it. We will deal with what we know. Not what we "think".

    He immediately came back as himself and took his mask off. He had been disconnecting allllll afternoon and snapped back and realized he was closing up. I'm really thrilled he only stayed that way for hours rather than days and felt relieved before he got a late night call from the manager that the council officially approved his raise.

    See? Mask on for nothing Mourde did.

    Now don't get me wrong here. I'm going to keep exercising and toning as much as I can. Because it makes me feel great. Keeps me healthy. Gives me time to think and process. Takes away anxiety.

    Am I going to exercise to look better? Yes. Is it to try to keep my husbands eyeballs on me only? No.

    Where he keeps his eyeballs is his problem, not mine. Either he adores this middle aged woman who has scars and saggy skin and wrinkles and who loves him unconditionally or he doesn't. I cant change that. I will not wear a mask.

    I don't when it comes to strangers. I tell it like it is and dont sugarcoat shit. I don't wear it when it comes to the schools and my kids and activities.

    My BIGGEST challenge is removing the mask when I look at MYSELF.

    Will you take yours off, and keep it off?

    Because in some ways...we are all ugly. And I'd rather be ugly on the outside and beautiful on the inside. Afterall...our soul lives forever. That's what better be beautiful long term.

    It's a gorgeous Friday yay!! Stay sober. Stay strong. Stay grounded. Stay beautiful. Be happy. Know you are loved and prayed for.

    Stay you.

     
  19. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    LOVE this post!!! Thank you :)
     
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  20. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! :)
     
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