Well now....

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SOofanaddict, May 30, 2019.

  1. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    CHOCOLATE....

    I love SpongeBob. I don't even care what people think about that, he's awesome with his little undersea buddies.

    There's an episode where he and his buddy, Patrick, have to go and sell some chocolate bars. And they knock on a door and this old lady all pruned up asks about their chocolate and the goofs decide to embellish the chocolate for what it is to sell more, and tell this woman it can make her live forever.

    So this old woman in her old lady scratchy voice keeps saying the word "chocolate" with this New York/Boston accent, and for some reason that is sticking in my head this morning lol.

    We don't get to live forever in our bodies. No matter how much chocolate or anything we do. That's not in the cards of fate. I am a firm believer in God and living well beyond what our physical bodies can do in a human lifetime.

    We will all, eventually, look like that old lady talking about her chocolate.

    And where will you be when you look that way? Happy, content with what God gave you, or miserable thanks to an addiction or your own thoughts and self loathing due to an addict making you feel that way?

    I realize this morning THAT is the reason I have this particular word stuck in my head. It isn't about the chocolate or even the crazy yellow sponge that makes me laugh. It's about the physical.

    Yesterday was a little tense. Mourde knew I wasn't too happy, I wasn't angry to the boiling point but I sure was not happy. I've spent a few days moping around since the last bedroom encounter and watching him mope around. And we finally started to talk. I saw the addict in him retreat a bit, and the real him opened up.

    He's been under a lot of stress and changes, both here and in his family life and in work. I get that and empathize with and for him on that end of things. But I have to keep pushing him to rid himself of his inner demon. I see it less and less these days but when the addict side comes out, it's just not what I want to see and that sucker still fights for freedom and to win with all he has left in him. The time that the addict is around isn't as long these days, either, which is great, but I still don't want him around at all.

    My patience with that part of Mourde wears thin lately and I need to remind myself that recovery takes years, not days or minutes. As long as there are steps forward, we are okay. I think I even said something to Mourde like: You shouldn't be taking a step forward and a step or two backwards...maybe half a step back is okay but keep it at that and right yourself asap.

    As I'm discussing my side of things, Mourde tells me I need to get cracking on myself again, that I also have been in a slump. I got defensive quick. You know that walls go up and your head tilts and eye squint while the eybrow raises look? yea...that one Mourde got.

    I asked how exactly was I supposed to work on me when I'm doing all I am...actually I said 'everything around here lately'...and he said: you tell me to make time so you need to make time. Then I asked him what he suggested I work on. After all, I am a plethora of problems myself and I literally had no clue what was sticking out like a sore thumb that needed my utmost attention. He said: well like exercising.

    Shew. Of all the things to say. I went a little more defensive, calling myself names and insults, which Mourde really didn't mean to happen. He knows it makes me feel good. When I feel good, I have positive vibes about my physical looks. I sort of radiate that and we all do when we feel good. Good vibes=happy. I was super insulted because I insulted myself. Sure his actions in the past made me feel like a worthless pile of manure, but I had those feelings even before him. I'm like an onion (Shrek reference here...I love him and Fiona, too)...lots of layers.

    He leaves after this little table talk at lunch for work and I'm stewing a bit. I figured: I'll show HIM. And I got my ass on that treadmill and pushed out 1.5 miles in no time. And I. felt. great.

    Chocolate. Good stuff.

    I'm having a very difficult time when Mourde hits addict dude in keeping the positive vibes rolling. That's why I'm hoping he learns to distinguish the two, which he does some, and immediately get the addict pushed down and away more often and quicker.

    Last night during tv time before bed, he actually, on his own, made sure every time a commercial came on for swimming pools or resorts or anything that would trigger him, that he turned his head. I did notice that if a commercial came on even with a woman talking about car sales or anything and she was on screen more than a few seconds, he'd look away. It seems he's either training himself to just not look at anyone too long or these particulars are triggers in some way. Not sure, but I'm super proud of him for actively realizing what he is doing. Once in an hour's time of us watching the screen, he found himself looking a little too long at a resort commercial and said out loud: "whoops", and looked away. That's a cool thing to witness.

    I also will say that I ride his ass a lot here. I don't mean literally. I do complain a lot about him not doing much here at home. He does what he can for the most part. He used to come home and sit on the couch waiting on dinner then maybe cut the grass or get the boys to karate, but most of his time home was spent on the couch. That isn't the case anymore. I can't even tell you the last time we did sit on the couch to be honest. When he does sit, it's usually with me and we are talking outside away from the kids. I ask for a lot from him, I know. I don't mean to be so pushy but I am and I need to work on that and realize that I, in a lot of ways, am expecting him to make up for lost time helping.

    Sorry, Mourde, but...I see that now and it's wrong of me. I can't have you make up for not helping in the past by expecting you to do a ton around here. I realize I was trying to do that. :(

    I still expect help, though. We still have a lot to do in renovations and clean up. And it is nice to just not have to worry about a sink of dishes or taking the garbage out. The little things. And we have a gazebo to rip apart and clean up the debris on. And a pool to open yet. I guess the pool comes first lol.

    When the addict is gone, Mourde is a cool dude. He makes me laugh and last night was no exception. He and I were joking around (previous post) and goofing off and it set the tone for bed. He gave me a nice massage and we had a moment together that really was amazing.

    This morning I had to tell him when he was leaving about THE craziest dream I had, which had us both laughing, and off he went to work. Now I wait to hear about my car and what's wrong with it...and get some work done and maybe hop on that treadmill before the pup wakes up from her morning nap.

    Today is a good day so far. If Mourde can keep that addict at bay, it's a glorious day.

    Did I mention that for once in his life, Mourde has the upper hand over his father?! We found out a few days ago that karma came very quickly to that man and in not a good way. And in Mourde's favor, so now HE is empowered over his abuser. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think?

    Mourde actually sang that song when he found out...and it was great to see him smile and know he is control of his own life, his own future, and he embraced that for all it's worth.

    I'm still tired....allergies aren't going well either. But I have a positive outlook today, and am going to roll with whatever life throws at me. Especially if it's chocolate. I love chocolate.

    Remember, we all will be shriveled up prunes some day. So you best be with someone who makes you laugh, makes your heart dance, and knows you as well as you know yourself, if not better.

    Life is like that box of chocolates. They all pretty much suck once you take a bite and realize that orange is NOT real oranges, and that coconut is pretty old and crunchy, and the peanut butter isn't real. Solid chocolate, you can't go wrong with. And truffles....truffles are fucking tasty things.

    Hugs, love, peace, positive vibes and prayers to each and every one here. Smile, stay beautiful, stay strong, and eat the chocolate.
     
  2. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    EVENING THOUGHTS

    After a pretty chaotic walk with the pup and sitting outside here with Mourde enjoying the nightfall, it struck me like a slap to the face...how much we've been through and how far we've come.

    Individually and as a team.

    And I realize here as he's posting on here somewhere, that I'm pretty lucky. I'm really lucky. Because at any time he could have said "screw it", and given in.

    He could have said "this is too hard, too many hurts to go through, too many changes", but every day...even the bad ones...he learns from. And so do I.

    He's a fighter. And will be the champion.

    THAT I am certain of.

    We have a long way to go yet, but every day as he's moving ahead so am I. And when he stumbles I got his back. And when I stumble he has mine now.

    I appreciate him and his hard work more than he knows. Just had to journal that to look back on someday and remember.

    Especially when he said in his granny voice: "where's dat chocolate ta rub on me and make me live forevah" lol. He's a goof.
     
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  3. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    My granny voice " start rubbing that chocolate on me you lazy Betty I want to feel young again"

    Lol love you!
     
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  4. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    ONE

    @Mourde LOVES the BeeGees. I do, too. 'One' really didn't get the credit it deserves. Seriously. I have that going on a replay here, jamming it in the goofy way I do...you know, that little shoulder bop and head going like you're a Rockstar, meanwhile I can't even walk straight on a smooth surface without tripping haha

    Let me go back here until about those BeeGee days.

    My mother is a flaming narcissist of an alcoholic. My father is an enabler. My brother followed in my mother's footsteps, adding in some hardcore drugs and some serious anger. I tried to save him, I really did with all I am, but...he's dead to me. Love from a distance. That's a big thing to remember every day.

    My brother and I grew up being beat, not the average ass-whoopin. The woman would rip off apple tree limbs and whip 'em to see if they were limber then crack us. She called it 'indian dancing'. My father would just work lots, avoid the situation. She sexually abused us, too. Hell she even tried to get Mourde to sleep with her, and during his addict days he knew it, and he'd take the time for too long hugs or even the passing hand over her ass thing. It was hard to watch. Those were my drinking days. And my days of roleplaying.

    My uncle also sexually abused me. I told my dad but he didn't believe me. I was the good kid. The high honor roll, doesn't do wrong, master pianist at the ripe old age of 12, played the flute, and weighed in at a whopping 350 pounds when I graduated high school. I ate because it's all that made me happy. I never went to prom. I never was asked on a date. I never ever had a guy look at me kindly. My mother would make fun of me constantly. Telling me I would never find a man. Made fun of me in public all the time.

    At 16 I met this loser of a man (my ex-husband). I didn't know he was a drug addict. I wanted out of my house, away from my mother and left with him. I didn't know he would end up beating me on a daily basis, lock me in a room and leave me there with some water and bread for days on end, phone cord ripped from the wall, he'd even nail the windows shut from the outside, and put a padlock on the door. I was a prisoner. I ran from my mother's prison, to think this guy that finally paid me interest so I thought gave a shit, but all he wanted was money, and he abused me much worse. It got so bad when he didn't have money and I had none left and he wanted drugs, he'd tie me up to a chair and let his drug dealer friends do things to me.

    I just wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to see me for me. No one did. Nope.

    I got pregnant with our oldest daughter. And when she was only a few months old, I had to get away from that shit. I didn't care at that point what ANYONE did to me, don't fuck with my kid. So I left him. He begged for rehab and help and I did give him that chance, and he'd leave his AA/NA meetings to go get high. One evening when he was supposed to be watching my daughter, I left for a short while and didn't feel right. I came back immediately and here he is outside on a crack pipe, my kid screaming bloody hell inside alone. I yelled at him and he's high as a kite, and he came after me to beat down on me. I ran inside and I put a gun to that man's head that day. And if it wasn't for my father begging me to not pull that trigger, I would have. No one messes with my baby girl. No one. I was in the process of trying to get free from that ass at that time.

    Then I met Mourde. He was my brother's best friend. He made me laugh. He was in his own crapfest with his girlfriend at that time, and we were friends in a short time. I got a job and I'd hear how he'd just come around helping out with my daughter, on his own, and that was oddly cool. Mourde loved her before he loved me. That was why I married him.

    I didn't know he was an addict. I had my own issues, an addict as well-not physical but emotional addict, and I really didn't believe any man alive was trustworthy. But he grew on me, and I did love him and he made me feel special. He never hit me. He just...was an addict, too.

    Lots of mini stories in all that, but, the reason for them is to get them off my chest and because I was sitting here working on something and see my tattoo. Every child we have I have a tattoo to represent them. One is a rose on a thorny vine. That is for our oldest. Gorgeous but sharp tongued and also she is resilient and ever growing. One is a lily. Resilient but fragile, sweet and colorful. One is a butterfly. Ever changing, spreading it's wings to fly and soar so high, yet fragile and delicate. One is a puzzle piece. To represent awareness, that this one piece means nothing unless you add it to the entire puzzle to complete it, but without that one piece, the puzzle is not complete. And then I have one more...because if you count...I have 4 tattoos already explained, and 4 kids. But I do have one more tattoo.

    A lotus. With the symbol of 'faith' under it.

    Trappist actually is someone here who's avatar made me smile. Because it is so true and I wear that symbol every single day. The lotus has to grow in the WORST conditions. It has no choice. It is one of THE most beautiful flowers in the world and yet this amazingly gorgeous creation of God literally has to grow in almost literal shit. Isn't that a lesson??

    I was planted to grow in some serious shit. I've gone through some serious shit to get to where I am today. And yet I have always had faith, always always prayed, and yes sometimes I have yelled and screamed at the Big Guy upstairs, and found that wasn't a good thing to do. (He makes it harder when you ask for help you know). But I'm healthier than I was in weight and heart issues and I'm a work in progress. We all are.

    I also went through living hell with the ACOA and my own addiction. I still have one addiction to beat with smoking and that I intend to this year.

    I'm not here for pity or sympathy. I'm here just like every other person for help, guidance and to try to help others realize their potential in life. And to be an example that a LOT of bad things can happen to someone but they can still be okay, they can still grow and learn and get stronger every day. IF they want to. IF they are motivated to. And have the toxic people and tendencies away from them.

    Mourde will hopefully get his lotus to match mine in the near future. It is truly a reminder of what my own soul is...and a reminder that I made it so far in life. And someday I hope that I can feel the way that we all should feel. Completely loved for who we are. We all actually are loved in that way now by God. I think sometimes and most times we just don't feel that or see it that way.

    So today...this gorgeous Friday on this crazy day in life that we will never have these moments again...how about we see ourselves and remember we are the 'one'.

    Much love, prayers and good vibes to every one. Stay strong, stay focused and smile today.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Our loves could mirror each other. Carry on brave soldier...your stories are inspiring.
     
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  6. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    -hugs and love to you- you've been a massive inspiration to me since day 1, please know that and I cant thank you enough for helping me find my voice again :)
     
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  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    It’s a double bonus day...I feel the same way . Yippee hurray
     
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  8. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    You cant appease an addict to make them stop being the ugly shell they are to feel loved and special. It only works temporarily. They know and learn to use people this way to fill their need in "recovery".

    They only reason they stop nagging, being crude, and downright making life miserable is because they got their dopamine high.

    They will return.

    I know. The hard way.

    Time to firm up the boundary list.
     
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  9. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Ain’t that the truth girl...
     
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  10. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    Mmmmmhmmmm. -2 snaps and a twirl-

    Just when ya think the hard parts are over in comes something bigger to say "hellloooooooo".

    The addicts evolve, I swear. They learn and figure out ways around them boundaries and rules and my Lord they get all lovey and mhm....

    When Mourde turns into the addict side I give him a round of applause when the addict side gets one over on me.

    At first I couldn't figure out why so many SOs had boundaries so tight but I'm seeing clear as day why. You leave a door open the mosquitos are gonna buzz in, figuratively.
     
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  11. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    SOME TIMES...

    Sometimes I guess I realize after the fact that what I'm expecting isn't necessarily what Mourde is expecting or thinking. He's a man. With a lot on his plate. I have alot too.

    The other day he flipped in addict mode for a short while. It irritated me. So instead of boundaries I gave him what he wanted.

    I was not 110% clear about my own wants. And so he opted to handle things his own way. During an addict-induced mindset. It didn't go well for him afterwards.

    Friday night I spent on the floor sleeping. Personally...I didn't mind it. I slept well. I slept alone. And Saturday was an awesome car wash fundraiser. I stayed the whole time because I wanted to, it was busy, and when Mourde came to take over his shift he was clearly anxious.

    He did amazing. Stressed but amazing.

    This morning he was clearly anxious, didn't seem right. He kept busy. But he also kept distant. Finally he said he expected me to be angry.

    I'm not. My anger stems from loneliness, depression, frustration, and not being heard.

    In hindsight....how can I be heard when I'm not speaking. How can he know...when I dont say.

    After saying so many times for so many years...and he not listening...it became embedded in me to shut up and just do whatever. Keep the peace. Ride it out. Let it go.

    Sick cycle.

    We discussed social media use before his recovery. And his using it as a psub haven in the past. It triggered him to stay up late and PMO. He never admitted that out loud until today. It gave me closure. And heartache.

    It's going to storm tonight which I embrace. Water cleanses. And it is needed here. Literally and figuratively.

    We took walks today and talked and things are looking up. Lots of work for both of us. Heh. He just realized I'm journaling and made an "oooh" noise. He likes my posts lol.

    I'm unsure if boundaries need tightened or communication. Or both.

    His addict phases are pretty much in a cycle of about 4-7 days of being okay then a day or 2 of addict stage. He needs to keep working on that. Strongly.

    Hes realizing more and more about psubs and how he got himself to the PMO side of things from a physical standpoint. (Social media, TV commercials, women out and about daily in public). I don't think he realizes fully that every female he saw as a "man she's hot, I'd like to..."..is half of what got him in to PMO to begin with. The other half he has figured out with emotions.

    This end of things he hasn't worked on much yet. It's time he does for sure.

    Anyhoo. Time to clean up and work on some knitting. I'm sunburned and my feet hurt lol.

    Hugs, prayers and love to everyone. Stay strong and motivated, smile and dont ever give up on yourself.

     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  12. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    I'm feeling pretty down today. There's no fighting or arguing. I'm in a sour mood. PMS on top of I have hurt inside. I can talk about it all I want, I can feel it and process it...it still lingeres way deep in my soul like that fucking toothache no home remedy fixes.

    We've been busy. Busy is good. I'm tired. I have wants unmet and no matter how much I express them they go unheard. Then add a dash of triggers to this and yea...here comes anger knocking on my emotional door.

    It's not fair. I do all I can for everyone but like always here I am sitting miserable and alone trying to smile with this little furball pup being her cute self. -sighs-

    The affection is gone. Has been. Unless Mourde wants something. He figured he can't make up for the past so he decided he was trying too hard. So he went from one extreme to the other.

    He's been in a "do what you need to do for yourself" phase lately. I don't think he realizes how close I am to that point. Yes he helps around here more with chores and daily things but our relationship is a friendship with benefits for him.

    I'm so tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling used like some test subject during his recovery. I'm tired of talking about him.

    I'm crying here right now. Realizing he hasn't even asked me in so long: are you ok? Hasn't acknowledged my pain. My sorrow. My fears. I feel abandoned. I keep saying he's doing great. Our relationship not so much. I'll keep saying that.

    You know that tight throat burning while you're trying not to fall apart feeling? I hate that. I'm trying real hard to stay chin up but damn...I dont think that's gonna happen here real shortly. Y'all feel me. When no ones around and we just break down. Yea...soon here.

    He's satiated and has been for days now so..he he took away touch other than the cheesy half assed hugs and lazy peck on the lips. He took away all that and will until he wants something and tries the old grind away at bedtime routine. It's such bullshit.

    That tight in your throat that becomes this big lump of what's going to be the first sob before the waterworks of tears? I hate that, too. Its creeping up on me while I write this and i dont like it but i have to do this. I dont want to be angry so i have to feel this stupid snowball effect of shit emotions all because of something I didn't do. All because no one hears me. I'm not alone but oh my God I am at the same time.

    Why does it have to hurt so bad.

    I don't want to hurt anymore. Before this recovery stuff I numbed to it a lot. I dont remember how I did it but I keep trying to remember so I can be numb again. I let myself open up and that was the dumbest thing I've ever done in a long time. :(
     
  13. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    You are a kind, thoughtful, patient, understanding and all round amazing SO for your partner who I pray will wake up after reading this and realise how special you are.

    You are both in my prayers and have conviction in your heart that your lord understands your struggle and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

    Get yourself a nice Cadbury Wispa bar and find an episode of the Snorks (it’s a classic like SpongeBob) - Tomorrow will be better.

    P.S It sounds like you really to vent to someone in person. Are there no girlfriends in your close friend’s circle whom you can lean on for support at this time? Or you mum?
     
  14. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    T
    Thanks so much. I dont speak to my family especially my mother. She abused my brother and myself physically, emotionally and sexually and is an alcoholic and narcissist.

    I dont have any close friends, only those I talk to for school activities and I dont ever let anyone in my circle. I cant.

    Every woman is a living psub for my husband. He ogled the few I had and either hit on them or had fantasies. I'm alone. Except for the women here.
     
  15. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry I didn't realise your situation, please forgive me for my unhelpful suggestions.
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Well holy cow wow..SOofanaddict...your family of origin sounds like mine. Fancy that , ain’t life twisted sometimes.

    Yes this is a lonely isolating addiction issue, I call it the motherlode of all addictions. Well I’m here all the time if you want to vent and voice your resentments, hurt, and emotional pain.

    Too many women suffer in silence and we shouldn’t have too. We didn’t do anything wrong, except love and support our PA’s.

    Take care kiddo...PS: What kind of puppy do you have?
     
  17. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    It's okay, I'm always open for suggestions and advice thank you
     
  18. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

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    You and a few others here are like my BFFs through all this seriously...love y'all.

    I'm always here for you too, please know this.

    Shes a little shih tzu pup...poor gal ended up at the ER a little while ago. Shes so tiny and the damned vet gave her a double vaccine rather than individual and she had a horrible reaction :( shes in pain from localized swelling and we have to keep an eye on her the next 24 hours and pain meds plus benedryl. The vet that gave her the double shot of course was the one last week that had her legs all spread hopped on the table...ughhhhh no more seeing this lady pfffft
     
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Oh brother, sometimes vets are really frustrating. Well prayers coming your way for your baby fur girl.
    Thank you for your advise and support. :)
     
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  20. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Wow! Thank you for sharing. You are strong and beautiful!
     

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