CHOCOLATE.... I love SpongeBob. I don't even care what people think about that, he's awesome with his little undersea buddies. There's an episode where he and his buddy, Patrick, have to go and sell some chocolate bars. And they knock on a door and this old lady all pruned up asks about their chocolate and the goofs decide to embellish the chocolate for what it is to sell more, and tell this woman it can make her live forever. So this old woman in her old lady scratchy voice keeps saying the word "chocolate" with this New York/Boston accent, and for some reason that is sticking in my head this morning lol. We don't get to live forever in our bodies. No matter how much chocolate or anything we do. That's not in the cards of fate. I am a firm believer in God and living well beyond what our physical bodies can do in a human lifetime. We will all, eventually, look like that old lady talking about her chocolate. And where will you be when you look that way? Happy, content with what God gave you, or miserable thanks to an addiction or your own thoughts and self loathing due to an addict making you feel that way? I realize this morning THAT is the reason I have this particular word stuck in my head. It isn't about the chocolate or even the crazy yellow sponge that makes me laugh. It's about the physical. Yesterday was a little tense. Mourde knew I wasn't too happy, I wasn't angry to the boiling point but I sure was not happy. I've spent a few days moping around since the last bedroom encounter and watching him mope around. And we finally started to talk. I saw the addict in him retreat a bit, and the real him opened up. He's been under a lot of stress and changes, both here and in his family life and in work. I get that and empathize with and for him on that end of things. But I have to keep pushing him to rid himself of his inner demon. I see it less and less these days but when the addict side comes out, it's just not what I want to see and that sucker still fights for freedom and to win with all he has left in him. The time that the addict is around isn't as long these days, either, which is great, but I still don't want him around at all. My patience with that part of Mourde wears thin lately and I need to remind myself that recovery takes years, not days or minutes. As long as there are steps forward, we are okay. I think I even said something to Mourde like: You shouldn't be taking a step forward and a step or two backwards...maybe half a step back is okay but keep it at that and right yourself asap. As I'm discussing my side of things, Mourde tells me I need to get cracking on myself again, that I also have been in a slump. I got defensive quick. You know that walls go up and your head tilts and eye squint while the eybrow raises look? yea...that one Mourde got. I asked how exactly was I supposed to work on me when I'm doing all I am...actually I said 'everything around here lately'...and he said: you tell me to make time so you need to make time. Then I asked him what he suggested I work on. After all, I am a plethora of problems myself and I literally had no clue what was sticking out like a sore thumb that needed my utmost attention. He said: well like exercising. Shew. Of all the things to say. I went a little more defensive, calling myself names and insults, which Mourde really didn't mean to happen. He knows it makes me feel good. When I feel good, I have positive vibes about my physical looks. I sort of radiate that and we all do when we feel good. Good vibes=happy. I was super insulted because I insulted myself. Sure his actions in the past made me feel like a worthless pile of manure, but I had those feelings even before him. I'm like an onion (Shrek reference here...I love him and Fiona, too)...lots of layers. He leaves after this little table talk at lunch for work and I'm stewing a bit. I figured: I'll show HIM. And I got my ass on that treadmill and pushed out 1.5 miles in no time. And I. felt. great. Chocolate. Good stuff. I'm having a very difficult time when Mourde hits addict dude in keeping the positive vibes rolling. That's why I'm hoping he learns to distinguish the two, which he does some, and immediately get the addict pushed down and away more often and quicker. Last night during tv time before bed, he actually, on his own, made sure every time a commercial came on for swimming pools or resorts or anything that would trigger him, that he turned his head. I did notice that if a commercial came on even with a woman talking about car sales or anything and she was on screen more than a few seconds, he'd look away. It seems he's either training himself to just not look at anyone too long or these particulars are triggers in some way. Not sure, but I'm super proud of him for actively realizing what he is doing. Once in an hour's time of us watching the screen, he found himself looking a little too long at a resort commercial and said out loud: "whoops", and looked away. That's a cool thing to witness. I also will say that I ride his ass a lot here. I don't mean literally. I do complain a lot about him not doing much here at home. He does what he can for the most part. He used to come home and sit on the couch waiting on dinner then maybe cut the grass or get the boys to karate, but most of his time home was spent on the couch. That isn't the case anymore. I can't even tell you the last time we did sit on the couch to be honest. When he does sit, it's usually with me and we are talking outside away from the kids. I ask for a lot from him, I know. I don't mean to be so pushy but I am and I need to work on that and realize that I, in a lot of ways, am expecting him to make up for lost time helping. Sorry, Mourde, but...I see that now and it's wrong of me. I can't have you make up for not helping in the past by expecting you to do a ton around here. I realize I was trying to do that. I still expect help, though. We still have a lot to do in renovations and clean up. And it is nice to just not have to worry about a sink of dishes or taking the garbage out. The little things. And we have a gazebo to rip apart and clean up the debris on. And a pool to open yet. I guess the pool comes first lol. When the addict is gone, Mourde is a cool dude. He makes me laugh and last night was no exception. He and I were joking around (previous post) and goofing off and it set the tone for bed. He gave me a nice massage and we had a moment together that really was amazing. This morning I had to tell him when he was leaving about THE craziest dream I had, which had us both laughing, and off he went to work. Now I wait to hear about my car and what's wrong with it...and get some work done and maybe hop on that treadmill before the pup wakes up from her morning nap. Today is a good day so far. If Mourde can keep that addict at bay, it's a glorious day. Did I mention that for once in his life, Mourde has the upper hand over his father?! We found out a few days ago that karma came very quickly to that man and in not a good way. And in Mourde's favor, so now HE is empowered over his abuser. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think? Mourde actually sang that song when he found out...and it was great to see him smile and know he is control of his own life, his own future, and he embraced that for all it's worth. I'm still tired....allergies aren't going well either. But I have a positive outlook today, and am going to roll with whatever life throws at me. Especially if it's chocolate. I love chocolate. Remember, we all will be shriveled up prunes some day. So you best be with someone who makes you laugh, makes your heart dance, and knows you as well as you know yourself, if not better. Life is like that box of chocolates. They all pretty much suck once you take a bite and realize that orange is NOT real oranges, and that coconut is pretty old and crunchy, and the peanut butter isn't real. Solid chocolate, you can't go wrong with. And truffles....truffles are fucking tasty things. Hugs, love, peace, positive vibes and prayers to each and every one here. Smile, stay beautiful, stay strong, and eat the chocolate.