Well now....

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by MourdeCallsMeHazel, May 30, 2019.

  1. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    pff, tough week. Good that you leave it to the attorneys, that's what they are for.
    Some people juts cannot be reasoned or talked with especially in these situations with money and emotions involved.
    Don't blame yourself and remember; sticks and stones...

    Don't let it. Easier set than done but you and Mourde can do this.
    Take it one day at a time. Think about the good things in summer.
    So you'll look back and say "remember that great summer of 2019, yeah we had a great time together with our loved ones. Wasn't there something awful that summer... oh yeah the will"
     
  2. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Shaken not stirred...

    I don't drink. Anymore. Used to alot. My mother would hand out booze to my brother's teen friends and us like no tomorrow. She would say: "well if you're going to drink I'd rather it be here where you're all safe".

    Understand. We weren't even driving age at the time.

    We have a gazebo in back and she would be in it with cases of beer and everyone would crowd in. And she would flirt with my brother's friends. Low cut half tops and short shorts. Hell this went on for years. She even would flirt with Mourde and he'd eat that up like candy thanks to this addiction.

    Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch the man you adore be flirting back with your mother? Hugging her and his hands on her ass or he'd walk past her and pass his hand over her ass? Painful to the heart.

    I'd say something and he'd deny it.

    I'm unsure why I bring this memory up today. Obviously it's on my mind. I think because our son at football camp wants to see my father this weekend which means I'd have to see her.

    Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the mountains where they live. I grew up there basically.

    I don't want near her. Or my kids. Or my husband. But I want to see my father.

    I'm fucking torn.

    We bought my parents house and this gazebo in the spring we decided was coming down. We just haven't had time to do it. It's a huge project. But it's a bad bad memory. One entrance and all I think of when I'm near it is...I'm trapped. The flashes of what she's done, and Mourde, don't stop. I want that piece of wooden shit bad mojo gone. Badly.

    This tragedy has shaken us. It's beyond stirred. Emotions of "wow his father cared...wait no he didn't...dear God he suffered the way he went..." on top of grief on top of anger on top of finding out he led so many lives and the more we find out the worse it is. Alot we just can't avoid. And it sucks.

    The drama gets to subside alot with the fact we don't have to enter the house or deal with his siblings now. But it still lingures like stale air in our minds.

    I have meetings later this evening and need a clear head and to be awake. Coffee intake on high.

    Things are slowly creeping back to our version of normal and I'm glad of that. We now know what we are in for worth this will and timeframes. A year-ish to close the estate. The house we are handling as it comes in making a decision. Right now we are taking things slow and steady as the lawyer suggested and we are being kind in how we handle the house.

    One of them abuse our kindness...well...they can suffer the choices Mourde has the legal right to make. Time will tell.

    Mourde helped alot yesterday. And we actually talked half of our walk about something other than his father's messy leftovers.

    Mourde isnt twitching anymore. But he does get a work call in the middle of the night about water levels every night that wakes us and it's like...seriously? Lol

    Last night he was super sweet and gave me a massage and we got to watch our sitcom a little. Woohoo...normal. and he wasn't triggered. He beat that demon inside him. I'm really proud of him.

    And like 2 people clinging to a life raft we found time to be intimate and it was very different. In a positive way. It wasn't anything more or less than he and I literally being at peace with each other and sharing love. I really can't express the feeling because it was new to me. The closest I can come to is when you hold your baby for the first time...that rush of not wanting to let go, and all of your attention is on them, and your heart is just warm and fuzzy and happy. That's about as close as I can explain last night.

    A friend that lives near but I keep distant from over Mourde's addiction reached out a little while ago. Expressing sympathy and that she's here for us. I grew up with her husband and they are good people. It's time to let their family in our lives more. I want that and need it.

    It's absolutely gorgeous today and I have faith that everything will be okay. And even when the moments are shaken and not stirred, Mourde and I will make it through together. Always.

    Be strong and brave. Bold but humble. Be good to yourself and others. Hugs and prayers and positive vibes to all.
     
  3. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Underestimate

    So....yesterday's meeting went long but I so enjoyed sitting around adults in a positive room and working as a team for the boys' benefit. Came home late a bit butthurt because Mourde didn't answer the phone when I was calling him right away. He was busy. I feel bad and did after. The thought of him pulling away scares me. But he wasn't, he was busy cleaning gutters and washing dishes and still processing the emotions of the past weeks.

    Rumors and gossip don't help us and we are learning quickly to shrug it off.

    We went to bed late and I slept in. Not much accomplished on the homefront but I accomplished more than any cleaning could yield. I took the time to uplift and inspire my daughters more and our son and others....that's priceless.

    Some people underestimate me. I underestimate myself. When I'm in my ME mode....my thoughts are clicking and I look at situations as a whole and neutrally. And I'm a Taurus. Stubborn, strong, bullheaded. And as much as I can be an ally....I can be an enemy.

    I'm okay with that.

    I am either loved or hated. I'm okay with that as well.

    I can be intimidating. I can, and will, call bullshit when I see it. And if a person doesn't like it, that's not my problem. It's theirs. Deal with it.

    My biggest problem is not saying "no." People pleaser extroidinare. I learned through my ACOA that no means no. I don't owe explanations and I don't owe anyone anything really. It is what it is.

    Mourde used to underestimate me. Gaslighting, mindfuckery and the basic "the reason I do this is because you won't be with me". Or "all guys do it, I can quit anytime".

    Hm. Newsflash to all the addicts that want to use the excuses: you're being assholes. You're not taking accountability. You're not recovering.

    No one. And I mean N.O. O.N.E. is forcing an addict to do what they do. Yes...the SO's further anxiety or upset may cause more stress on the addict, but in the end: the addict decided to do what they do.

    Mourde didn't start healing until he knocked the blame game off and say the damage he has done. To me. To our children and to himself. He didn't start recovering and setting his timer until he said: I am an addict.

    I truly hope those that are here, don't count upticks as days just being PMO or PM free...and not admitting they are an addict.

    You're lying to yourself and will never heal.

    I've found that underestimations also happen in believing after a certain point that recovery becomes recovered. I've seen those with as much time on their counters as I have resetting. They never found their deep triggers and fought them. They got lazy, confident, and underestimated their addiction.

    I am a recovered addict. Because I have fought and beat my demons for over 10 years. Because I KNOW my triggers. And I will always be an addict. I will always have to watch my own back. My own triggers. And stay recovered.

    Mourde is a bit down I noticed. Our schedules just aren't clearing up but in time they will. We talk constantly which is good. And we are learning to be independent yet a couple. Strange grounds but cool...it's all good.

    His siblings got the will today so...I'm glad I'm not the attorney lol. I'm certain he's going to be busy with them.

    Laundry to do, some cleaning, a nice bath and relax. That's my goals. I'll underestimate and think it's an easy evening.

    Mourde finally sees the crazy neighbor for what she is lol. At lunch she cut her grass up front and he parked on the street so she kept up front to get his attention. Three hours later when he came home...voom....she's cutting up front AGAIN lmao. He said he felt objectified.

    Welcome to the other side, big guy. Doesn't feel so nice does it?

    She makes me laugh now. I'm comfy in my skin. I'm a hot mess beautiful tragedy of a woman with no grace and poise but alot of sass and a body built to kick ass and take names. I may look like hell in a black dress but I'll ROCK a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Cause that's who I am. :)

    Don't underestimate your inner strength. Don't underestimate the fakers and users.
    Don't underestimate the lengths some will go to to bring you down.

    Keep your vibe high. Your thoughts positive. Take care of yourself and others. Know your value is high.

    Prayers, love and hugs to all. Be strong and brave. Stay focused.
     
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Excellent up beat post. You are a kick ass couple.
     
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  5. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    We trying for sure :)
     
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  6. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Grey

    The skies are grey here. It's been raining so much our backyard is it's own pool. We are in a state of emergency from flooding and down trees, wires and landslides. And more rain is coming soon.

    Our son made it home thank God. We have our deaf daughter leaving work early and praying it's an easy drive for her to be home safe and sound as well.

    Stressful.

    I made beef veggie soup and chocolate chip muffins and have the house pretty clean. Laundry almost done. Back to my "normal" almost :)

    Mourde is safe at home but needs to see about a line break so prayers up he stays safe handling this job. I'll be on the treadmill soon. It's been awhile and I'm looking forward to it. And helping our oldest with a business plan.

    My head feels grey. Not altogether there yet but soon I will be. This death in the family really has us mindbent.

    I've been watching some things from a distance. Not only in my personal life but here as well. And the grey matters irk me. I typically don't bite my tongue and am having a hard time keeping my thoughts to myself. I will for now. Later I may rescind.

    I found when I went through my steps during my own recovery. The first thing I had to do was to face what I was. Who I was I was uncertain of...what I was was unquestionable. An addict.

    I faced that. Step 1 complete. Then had to face the fact I needed help. Not for anyone. Not for Mourde or my kids. For myself. No excuses. No lies. For me. Step 2 done.

    Then I had to understand my addiction. And come clean to those I hurt, including myself, and educate myself completely.

    How hard to tell others the truth. How difficult to say to Mourde...I did it of my own free will and choices made were mine. His actions and addiction didn't help but, no excuse or reason for my own actions. Step 3 checked off.

    I'll reiterate. I'm an addict. I want help for me to be a better person and to be a better wife, mom, ect. And what I had done was MY fault.

    Then the healing and recovery process. Long. Painful.

    The days Mourde was working late or ignoring me for his own addiction...ah...the urge to get into an RPG and in another world, make my own fake life up...hard to deny but I didn't do it. For me.

    There were many grey days. The blue sky days were good too. And usually when he'd get his fix with sex from me. I didn't know then how his own addiction ruled his appearance in my life. And our kids.

    Once when our kids were all in different schools, elementary, middle and high school...one was sick. I asked him to get her for me. And he calls me from one school asking where she was. He did not know what grade she was in let alone what school.

    How sad is that that his addiction had him so much in his own grey world that he lost track of his own children? That he disconnected so much with reality that he truly wasn't involved?

    That incident brought him closer as a father to them and he did pretty well after. Now he's stellar and making up for lost time. He clung to the boys and spent time with them more than the girls. And he sees how that was a mistake. The kids all adore him and forgive him. At the time it sucked seeing them ask about him alot or me helping 4 kids with homework and projects and everything in between. Sports he was always on top of though with them.

    He sees more clearly now which is cool. The grey covering his eyes has been lifted since he's admitted he's an addict, asked and sought help for himself, for awhile it was for me and I had to remind him...he cant be a great husband and father until hes a great himself. And he openly came clean about every painful and embarrassing issue he ever put himself in.

    Admitting wrongs is hard. Until you do...you're keeping secrets. You're in the grey. Until you tell your story 100%, the hidden things...well...they hold you down like vines around your ankles in the raising waters. No secrets mean no lies means the backstory is gone. Means it is cleared from your soul. A clean soul is a fresh start. A grey soul is cloudy and murky.

    So I bite my tongue for the grey issues I've been watching not in my own house but in the world and here. I'll drop the bullshit card soon if need be and when I feel like it.

    No one here is a saint. Or needs to deflect or make themselves bigger than they are. If you are...you're grey. Don't stay grey or you're wasting your own time. And others. :)

    Last evening was so nice. Warm bath, almost "normal" bedtime, and some seriously amazing connecting with my guy. No ED/PE /DE issues, no quick lovin'...just us enjoying each other in another awesome moment. I love to fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. It's really cool.

    Seeing him become more confident, stronger in character but still a big teddy bear, and knowing he doesn't have to hold on to his past or hide anything or worry about making excuses or stories up or trying to make me feel nuts and mindbent...that's something I am proud of him finding in his soul. He isn't grey now.

    That's ALL I wanted for him. Not for myself but for a person I truly love and admire and knew he could win over a horrible addiction of. I just wanted him to be the BEST Mourde he could be. And he is.

    Yea he has a long and sometimes hard path ahead but I have faith he will be just fine even in the tough moments. Because he's shining bright and clear now. And I have his back.

    I'm blessed I get to see this man for who he truly is. And I'm blessed I'm a part of his life. Soulmates are rarely life partners. God is good indeed in this lifetime for me.

    And in the grey skies over my head right now is a small patch of blue. A reminder to me, that even in the grey there is peace and harmony when the grey goes away.

    Be good to yourself. Stay strong and brave. Be humble and honest with yourself and others. Never give up and stay focused and grounded.

    Time for that treadmill for me :)

     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
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  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Nicely written, and very true. Thank you once again.
     
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  8. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    Beautifully written once more. Thank you!
     
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  9. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Sugar and spice

    Haha. I found a theme and all I can think of is this cartoon called the "Powerpuff Girls". Scientifically made from sugar and spice and this and that. And a character who was naughty called Mojo Jojo.

    Our girls loved that cartoon growing up. Our autistic son did too.

    We all come from the same place, I feel. All connected somehow, some way, unsure how but we are all related not by blood necessarily, but by what's under the shell we lug around.

    If you start to see the world and those in it that way, life changes. You find this inner peace and harmony. We are all individuals yet we are all one.

    Yin and yang. Black and white. Night and day.

    But one cannot exist without the other.

    When I would roleplay I can't begin to tell you how many people would cling to my character. In real life I tend to be the person that walks into the grocery store and waiting in line a complete stranger opens up and by the time I've checked out I know their entire life story. I don't know why I am that way...I guess I emit some weird vibe that silently yells "I'm a safe soul to lay your sorrows on."

    I am an empath. And have had to learn over the years to close off feeding from emotions that are not mine. That's hard to do. Someone hurts then I hurt. Someone's pissed then I'm furious. I had to find balance and still struggle. So I push people away for that reason as well as the SO reasons.

    I'm munching on a cinnamon roll and my coffee and thinking how overspiced this roll is. And overly sweet. But it works. The scale will disagree but oh well...that won't stop me from enjoying this feast of flavor in my facehole this morning.

    I've written poetry for years now and I can't tell you how many times someone has said they can relate to it. I must know them personally. Asked me how can I know their feelings or life when we've never even spoken. It's creepy but flattering at the same time? Because I wasnt writing about them. I get this theme in my head and run with it. And maybe because we are all related in some way and face the same struggles in one way or another...it's relatable.

    Sometimes yes...I get a theme and run with it but will nudge a particular subject I see someone struggle with.

    Nothing personal, just business. Remember...I'm am empath. Here to help.

    I've always said about my writing to everyone: if you can relate or find yourself feeling the feels, figure out what I wrote that got you feeling this way. I'm not writing to do anything more than get my own journeys with Mourde out and help others. And for us to look back and say wow...remember that moment?

    There will always be sugar and spice in life. Just like this cinnamon roll....just like yin and yang and black and white and up and down...there must be a balance.

    Our chef daughter uses this technique to make amazing dishes. Do you know that a pinch of chili powder and chocolate make for the BEST brownies?? It's a tang that make people say "I dont know what's in this but wow it's unique and the best ever". Weird huh?

    Not so much. It's life. Common sense.

    Life is a kitchen. Messy and chaotic and there's always dishes to wash and food to cook and customers bitching and people love you or detest you....but the kitchen goes on. It survives another round, another prep, another day. Unless the food sucks. Then it goes under.

    Because the sugar and spice didn't level out.

    Don't overdo the dish of life. And remember we ALL work the kitchen together in one way or another. Without the dish washer the plates can't be clean for serving. Everyone is EQUAL to maintain balance to keep things running efficiently.

    Respect the janitor as much as the CEOs out there.

    And respect the Mojo jojo's in life too. They are the crabby customers. They just need a little more sugar to level out their spice.

    Be strong and stay focused today. Eat something you normally wouldn't because it's tasty and makes your heart happy. Worry about the rest later.

    :)
     
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  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good story...and now I’m hungry. Cinnamon buns...yum.
    Have a wonderful day. Thank you for your story’s
     
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  11. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Rollercoaster

    Shew what a day! So we had a lot of craziness in the estate work BUT it's all coming together now and life will be easier in the upcoming week. We also plan on a game plan for the other house and have had enough of the drama from his siblings and niece. No more taking advantage of us.

    The day was AWESOME once the initial panic was over. By panic I mean that a large amount of money was missing (not our fault, transfers were never completed by his father). I trimmed some hedges and weeded and Mourde cut the grass and made dinner and we walked and our usual talk about the events and us.

    We have some inside work to do so he's going to help wash the dishes and me vacuum and a few odds and ends then bath while he shaves his handsome face and then bed.

    Tomorrow a busy day with yardwork yet and groceries and just enjoying the day. Maybe a camp fire :) yea... definately.

    We saw a mama deer and her little spotted twins on our walk and oh.my.gawd....adorable.

    Rollercoasters. I hate them. They make my stomach hurt. I fear getting stuck on them or them breaking or not stopping. That's how this entire death of his dad affected us here.

    I also feel that way...well I did....up until about 3/4 through this journey with Mourde so far. Don't get me wrong I'm so happy we are at a warm and cozy place now in our relationship but like earlier when we thought the worst about the estate junk...Mourde was freaking out.

    I mean an emotional panic attack of anger and sadness and woah...I had to remind him it's okay...we will figure it out...calmmmmm down skippy.

    Had he not been at the mindset he is now in his recovery...he could easily have slipped in addict mode. He was more at ease and when he was upset he'd call and we'd talk more until it all was resolved.

    I'm glad he reaches out to me when he's upset. And I'm grateful I know and have for years when I'm upset he's there for me too.

    We are equals now. Sugar and spice. Yin and yang. We balance each other and our relationship works and runs as it should. No secrets. No lies. No regrets or guilt or shame or blame.

    It's truly something I never ever expected.

    I like the fact the rollercoaster has stopped and we are off it. I know we probably will have small rides on it yet but that's okay. We will get through it. Together.

    Be strong and brave and stay focused always. Have an awesometastic evening and hugs to all. Be good to yourself and others. Always.
     
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  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like an interesting and rewarding day. Enjoy your evening. It also sounds like you guys have built a solid foundation on which to build your dream life . Good job, way ta go.
     
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  13. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    HALFTIME

    Remember how I said football is life lessons?

    I spoke about 4th quarter, 4th down, tie game.

    I'll speak about halftime.

    Mourde coached for years and still works with our son.

    Halftime is a strange time. The teams get a little break. Tired and frustrated as the side down. Tired and excited as the side up. Tired and worried but hopeful as the side tied.

    There can be a phenomenal amount of potential on a team and that team sucks. Coaches make the team. Or break it.

    Probably the most benefit during a game is the halftime speech.

    Tied is an easier speech. Fresh start on the 3rd quarter. Fight to the end. Don't give up.

    Ahead is the easiest speech. Keep it up. Don't let your guard down. Stay focused and fight to the end.

    Down is the hardest and most powerful speech. It doesn't matter the physical potential of the boys...it's their mindset to uplift. The boys must see their potential and pull it out from inside.

    Don't give up. We can get ahead. One yard at a time. Fight like your life depends on it.

    Sometimes I'll hear coaches from other teams screaming at their boys about "dumb moves", "how could you be so stupid", sometimes even making demands to take another player out to get ahead.

    The times I've seen our son targeted on the field due to being a defensive threat to their offense? I lost count. I warn him every game...watch your six...and watch your brothers on the field.

    Tough love is hard. But necessary in this sport. I've seen coaches coddle...that doesn't work. I've seen coaches throw a tantrum. That doesn't work.

    The coaches that rule with a firm voice but love their boys? Uplift them? Challenge them? They are the winners and movers and shakers.

    The coach that I've truly admired the most after a losing game would give the boys a speech that encompassed: we didn't lose. We learned.

    That coach detested losing BUT he kept the boys uplifted and utilized the mistakes made in training. And made the boys smarter, stronger and brought out their confidence. Mourde was the assistant and learned alot under his wing.

    I'm taking a moment to write this for a few people that seem to feel that halftime is the end of the game.

    That seem to think that because they are under that they will give up.

    Have you ever watched a team at halftime forfeit? I have. And the look on those kids faces SUCKS. And they never recover that season.

    It's all mental you know. It's all how tough you are inside. How far you'll push through the pain and agony to finish strong when that clock ticks to zero.

    One particular person I know (not Mourde) seems to have forfeited even before halftime. I envision them being a bench warmer. Sitting there "in the game", but not on the field. Not taking the hits or blocking for his team. Not being a team member. Oh that person will leave the game and brag it up he was "right there in the fray"...but yea...I and many others saw the bench warming going on.

    They'll collect their trophy for a team win if it happens and put it on a mantle like some showpiece. And convince themself that they won after a hard fought and well played battle on the field. Yet their uniform is clean as a whistle. They didn't even get a grass stain. Their team did. Their team has the scratches and bruises to proudly display their trophy. The bench warmer...that wasn't earned. They got theirs out of pity. Yet they don't see it that way.

    I'm boldly reminding everyone on both sides of the 50 before, during or after kickoff here that halftime is a make or break in the game of football and life.

    If you're on the field, play hard for a win. If you're on the bench, get on the damn field or go home. Don't waste the team's time or accept a trophy you didn't earn.
     
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  14. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Quitters

    Quitters never win do they? I can't tell you how many times I've tried to quit smoking or quit a project I was working on. Quit playing piano. I regret that all. And I will try again.

    It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you stand up that counts.

    Another football story: 3 years ago that coach that pushed our son and our son thought the coach hated him? Our son one day literally threw his helmet down and said he quit.

    I had to call his coach and after a long talk the next day the coach called our son from a class to talk privately. And suddenly the dynamics shifted.

    Our son assumed the one person that saw his true potential and was pushing him to the edge of his sanity in his own self doubt hated him. It was quite the opposite. And when our son had calmed down and spoke to that coach....his self esteem rose, his determination and his want to rule that turf.

    And here we are today.

    I didn't journal about in home yesterday because I had no time to. Really it was uneventful. We were a little lazy at first then got groceries and had a laugh that we overflowed the cart, leaving a trail from one end of the store to the registers. Came home and I'm in a tizzy thinking I left half the bags there to call and find out no, I left a trail. Lol. You think someone would have been like "excuse me...you seem to be really hungry with that huge asston of food jammed over the rim of your cart but...half of it is down the aisle behind you". Haha. No...no one mentioned it. Oh well.

    I worked in house and Mourde outside and we have a LOT to accomplish today. What gets done gets done. Right now it's coffee and waking up (we slept in because we were up late), then grinding the gears.

    I was reminded yesterday of the cold hard statistics of couples making it through this shit addiction. The numbers aren't good. I'm really lucky that not only is Mourde beating down the addict inside every day, but that he's here. Because he wants to be.

    I know of...hm...I'd say off the top of my half woke brain here...2 couples for sure that the PA/SA is entirely 110% completely in denial of their addiction and yet waste their SO's time and continue to break them down. Oddly both the addicts went through motions thinking they'd cheat the system and win. Addicts don't win. They not only break themselves further because as they go through the motions they have the ability to evolve. They learn how to further lie and use and manipulate; how to further mindfuck. They are quitters.

    Now, I'm no expert. But I will say, I've had ALOT time and therapy and even psychology classes and workshops tailored to mental health issues. And I'm a recovered addict, ACOA and all that other junk tied up in one sassy little bundle of joy.

    I'm detested by addicts that I call out. My mother flipped a bitch on me when I kicked her out of my home 2 years ago. I called her out for the addict she was.

    She had 1 beer left. And stared at that all day. She's an alcoholic fermenting on a case a day kind of gal. She expected me to drop taking care of 4 kids and my father recovering at my home after a ruptured aortic aneurysm to run to the booze store. Yea no. Finally Mourde after work brings her a case and she starts catching up to the buzz. By that evening she was a total bitter bitch and I dont even know what she said but I fucking snapped. I'm dragging out the case throwing beers across my dining room floor counting how many she slurped down over a short period.

    Shes bawling and grabbing these cans like they are newborn babies and man oh man I'm OFF to the fucking races screaming to the point my neighbors probably decided to quit drinking too.

    I'll never forget this. She looked me straight in the eyes and said: I hate you.

    Good. Finally the truth. Get the fuck out of my home you drunk.

    (Took me 45 years for her to say her true feelings. Thank God she did or I would have kept making excuses in my head to tolerate her nonsense.)

    As shes packing her shit she's telling our boys: "your mother is evil. She's got problems. She needs help. SHE'S the crazy one, look what she said about me and is doing"

    Strike 2 bitch.

    I stormed in that room grabbed her shit and her and threw her directly out. Don't come back.

    It felt....great.

    (If you can relate to this then take a look at your mirror there)

    My mother was and is...a quitter.

    My husband is no quitter. He and I have an addiction of smoking to beat and just writing this inspires me to slap a nicotine patch on and beat this shit addiction starting today.

    And get our work done and relax later for the beginning of what I know will be a fantastic week. Because WE decide what will get under our skin. And what won't. And WE decide how we will handle our own internal feelings.

    Be good to yourself and others...to the extent it's healthy for YOU. be strong and brave but humble enough to stay grounded. Much love and hugs from me to all.

     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2019
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  15. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Intentions vs. Reality

    We got a lot done today. Like a whole lot and I feel good about that.

    Let me start today off. It's the most miserable time of the month for me for a few days and honestly I've been handling that pretty well. Up until this evening.

    We woke up late and after coffee I'm washing dishes. I've mentioned for a few days how my shoulder hurts alot (our mattress sucks), and that's been blown over by Mourde on a back rub. I get it...he's tired and sore too.

    I go to wash the kitchen dishes for the morning and low and behold he's rubbing my shoulders. Not his usual nice way but rough and too hard, but I wasn't complaining. He starts the old grind from behind...knowing we can't do anything even if it wasn't my time of the month. I ignore the moves and continue washing dishes. To have him step to my side and proceed to do a little grinding that way.

    Yea no.

    He takes his cold shower and heads to get gas and coffees. Mine is totally wrong and now I wonder if that was intentional ordering on his part or lack of the barista common sense. Who knows. It sucked though.

    I tried to help him with cleaning up hedge trimmings to be told 8 times I can wait it out because he has the top to finish cutting. I kept saying well let me get a head start to make it easier and also so he doesnt trip or get caught up on all the trimmings in his way.

    Now right before this the neighbor (we were cutting their side...its new and young neighbors. Super nice and the fiance is super duper gorgeous....SO nightmare right?) was leaving and talking to Mourde as I'm coming with the rake. And the fiance is driving. I say hello and they leave. And asked Mourde did he get her name. You'd have thought he got caught stealing. Eyes wide he's insisting he didn't look...he didn't notice her.

    Dude I never said you did. I just asked if you got her name.

    Well helloooo Mr. Addict. Been awhile. Good to see your sorry ass. Not.

    He had 3 strikes that set the red flag off. The grinding. The defensiveness when I asked about a name. And then the hedge help. Which I always did since we moved here. It was like he wanted me gone if they came home.

    I cleaned it up anyway.

    Onward. We did our separate work and when he came in later I said I needed a hug. I got the rigid hug with the "friend" tap on the back.

    Yea...nice.

    On the porch we have blinds and he NEVER worries about who's walking by. The blinds are a nice block but seeable through some. A woman down the road he's ogled before and her kids are walking past and here's Mr. Addict just staring away.

    We eat. Head on our walk. He did get caught ogling again right before the walk.

    6 strikes today.

    So I explain what I notice and get the old he didn't intend that to happen. I'm not letting him explain. Blah blah blah.

    Bleh. Blah blah blah blah.

    As the walk is continuing I'm becoming angry. Anger= loneliness, depression and not being heard for me...and Mr. Addict won't. Shut. Up.

    I walk faster. And now it's poor him mode. "Please wait. Please that wasn't my intentions...."

    I didn't intend to eat a cupcake today. I ate it anyway. Reality.

    I walked on and he's trying to keep up with the pup. Go home. I need time to vent. Need time to think. Alone.

    Wtf spawned this bullshit to enter and take over him???

    As I'm jogging now (and I fucking hate running) it strikes me...yesterday....maybe. I don't know. We did alot of helping others. I mean a lot. During the helping he had to relive something very traumatic for me he did long ago yesterday. Maybe that triggered him remembering what he did. We've discussed it but I don't know...

    He hasn't shaved in a decent while. Off his routine. I remind him daily. So he shaved but didn't do his head. He's outside in the dark now doing it. After I was told "well you didn't offer to cut it for me".

    Man up. I'm not your mama. I played that role enough sir.

    I have faith he will wake up tomorrow as himself. The addict doesnt stick around long and it's been awhile. I guess he missed me. Foolish to want to visit me. But hey it's all good.

    Mourde broke through momentarily to say: "I don't want yelled at ".

    I'm not yelling. Yet.

    Tough love rules in my world. I will not coddle his addict. He has to fight him and win.

    Ah well. I have things to do now and an early day tomorrow. Looks like the couch is calling my name tonight :)

    Be strong and brave. Be you. And don't fall for your triggers. They only hurt you. And everyone around you.

    I'm stronger than the pain my heart feels right now. Because I have to be. The only person looking out for me when the addict rears his ugly self? Is me.
     
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  16. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Futures...

    As a market manager for commodities I see the futures, well where everyone assumes they will be, years in advance. I make business decisions based on the future. Pretty tough job. I'm either cheered after a contract or jeered...depends on what the market does compared to what was assumed.

    Shitty job really. Pays decent but...I don't have a crystal ball you know? I can't foresee a market crash in a year that ultimately lost a company money because of a locked in higher rate. When the market fell years ago...Lord have mercy I was NOT on anyone's good side then as far as business went.

    I had to explain my situation and then future isn't 100%, it's all assumed based on calculated risks and gains and losses, not assuming some massive turnover or political crapfest.

    Life is that way.

    We can assume all we want our future. We can plan accordingly based on carefully weighing options and "what if ", but in the end...it's the big turnovers that hit us deep.

    I hardly slept in 2 nights. Nightmares were bad and I seldom dream let alone nightmares. It was bound to happen.

    Usually I push myself to the limit and crash and burn because my body and mind has had enough for a few days. I'm almost to that point and fighting it.

    Hell I need a reboot lol.

    I'll nap later probably. Who knows.

    I was excited because our oldest invited us to a farm festival in about 2 weeks. Big party on a lakefront. Nice hm?

    And this morning I'm regretting the yes decision I made.

    Because the weeks that I didnt worry about Mourde...finally in a store and just not even thinking the term "ogle", all that was erased in a matter of hours of him allowing himself to get too comfy in his recovery.

    A hot day, strangers everywhere, at least an hour away from my "safe place" (home), and beside a lake. Yea....what can possibly trigger him that triggers me? Everything.

    Now I've went from not giving this a second thought and already thinking of how nice to be somewhere new and see new people and be in nature to the worst scenarios. I'm calculating the risks versus the gains and I have to say currently those gains are negative while the risks high. Currently I wouldn't sign this contract if my life depended on it.

    Pretty depressing how just a few days can ruin the outlook on the future. Just like my work...my personal life is always a gamble.

    And I'm not a betting kind of woman.

    I also feel sick to my stomach. Woke up that way. Everything going from great to back to on edge too fast after such a long streak for Mourde sucks. Big time.

    It's been chaotic here. Yesterday I ended up feeding and somehow had a few of my son's friends over after football. Controlling boys who are boys in big guy bodies is like wrangling a greased pig...impossible. So as I'm trying to get shit done for business and football board stuff done before a sudden meeting in the evening I have big toddlers just...having fun but still irritating me. Stupid shit like screaming from the pool and I run back thinking one is hurt and meanwhile they are too lazy to get the ball they threw out. You know...just enough to make your eyeball twitch kind of shit.

    I kept telling them get out I have to get them home. They didnt listen. So I left them for Mourde to handle when he got home from work. I had a dentist appointment.

    Then home and pets fed and me changed and ate real quick then the meeting while Mourde took our youngest to karate.

    Got home and Mourde did a few things. I'm trying to get immediate football work done that had to be and some info for the bank together for him to talk to them about questions on the estate figures. Then the usual clean up, deal with pets again and dishes...blah blah blah.

    He kind of moved out of addict mode some? He was more emotional and huggy. At bedtime he was whining I wouldn't show affection much. I'm drained. I am sore. Fibromyalgia is kicking my ass lately. My hands are swollen from using them too much on work and cleaning. I got a half assed hand rub that ended up my arm and a few gropes inside my shirt. Yea no.

    The good old grind from behind before I finally passed out.

    I don't like change I think I said. I could analyze futures all I want but unless you have a steady market that doesn't work and it's a waste of time.

    9/12 months is busy here. Real busy. Football and work and school and alot of other stuff. Top it with his father's death and this estate and house we have to handle...yea a bit overwhelming.

    Thing is...I used to have a routine. I didn't mind mixing it up when it was fair here.

    I don't get downtime now. I don't even have time to relax like I used to in a damn bathtub. Its 90 degrees and I am in jeans for the 2nd day because I have no time to even shave my legs. That pisses me off.

    Mourde put a game back on his phone that is utterly childish. I understand we all need our own thing to do. (I haven't picked up yarn to crochet or knit in weeks...no freetime or downtime for me...which REALLY has me on edge pissed off. I'm ready to toss it all in the garbage at this point and have a breakdown).But this game ends up where he's just outside chainsmoking and playing it getting his free time and I'm inside freaking out because it's 10 PM and pets need fed. Kids needs motivated to get ready for bed. Garbage needs handled. Dishes washed. Football gear rounded up. When shit gets slammed or I'm yelling then he decides enough of this damn game and comes in all wanting to help. Nah...just move out of the way. Enough is enough.

    That game triggers me. Takes me back to his lazy evenings of he would play that then sit on social media for his psubs then decide to wank one off later when I would sleep alone.

    That gazebo is still standing. I plan on taking a sledgehammer to it this weekend. That will come down. As well as this ceiling on our porch that is rotten from a leak and I've commented so many times it needs ripped down before bees nest (I'm highly allergic to bees). It's been this way since winter.

    He's back to the bare minimum. Last night I figured I'd let him sit outside and journal all he wants. The amount of time he journalled wasn't close to the time on his phone.

    Addict. Mode.

    Future don't look stable from this trading point of view. Too many things influencing this market here at home.

    It keeps falling and the addict sticks longer than I can tolerate soon? Time to sell out my share, take the profit and/or loss and reinvest in another share.

    It's real simple. I'm not here to play games.

    The straw before bed was when i came outside and sat with my back to the stalker neighbors home who wants to trade husbands. The one Mourde said he finally sees her as what she is?
    So this is the porch with the blinds.

    A car pulls up and hes on his phone facing me across the bistro table there. And the neighbor comes out saying to the person in the car how "oh we love to go everywhere." (This woman is more homebound than even I was at my worst in life). And I said to Mourde: "that's so funny cause she doesn't go anywhere". The neighbor talks again and Mourde sits up and is looking over my shoulder like...it's got his interest way more than it should have.

    I said something about it and he said he heard Led Zepplin playing and that caught his attention. Um...I didn't hear music. Her voice got his attention and the fact she was outside. Suddenly he's saying no no it wasnt her it was the music he wanted to see who was playing it.

    Like it's his business to be chicken necked looking over there. Thru a blind.

    I was told "you're making way too big a deal over this. You're seeing into things, looking to make more out of it than it is."

    Yea??? You think?? Listen Mr. Addict...2 days now you been gawking at shit you shouldn't be. Groping and grinding and completely taking touch from me unless it's for your own sorry benefit to try to act like you aren't in the mode you are.

    I will say when the sitcom came on at bedtime he over exaggerated looking away during the times when a simple turn of the head would suffice. Other times he'd look straight ahead at the TV when it was clearly a moment to look away.

    I changed before the meeting. And had 2 smokes before I left for it. And saw him during both.

    To be told at the end of the night "you look nice today".

    That doesn't count. The person that held the door at the library and complimented my glasses...that counts. The woman who said she liked my shirt when we first met for the meeting. She counts.

    After the fact as a second thought does not count. After making yourself look a fool trying to gawk at a voice that's like nails on a chalkboard to me across the street and getting called out as the addict pig you are? Compliments then: Don't count.

    I'm kind of fucked.

    As a recovered addict there's ALWAYS triggers. And this is my biggest one. Loving an addict fucking sucks. And I could EASILY hit an rpg and within a day have my own emotional needs met.

    But I'm better than that.

    I'm in a situation where as an SO I'm fucked because he's in addict mode. And he's in the ritualization...maybe fantasizing..unsure yet...stage of his cycle.

    He will linger there a long ass time too. One wrong move and it's done. He is well aware.

    I've done all I can. For as long as I can mentally, physically and emotionally tolerate. The training wheels are off now. He is on his own to figure this out.

    Cruel? Maybe. Fair? Yes. Depressing? No doubt.

    Maybe I read the futures market here wrong the other day. Maybe I am just here to do my role as his soul mate and not life partner. Even the best of us mistake probability with actuality in the unknown, you know?

    Time will tell.

    A busy day again today. Maybe I'll get a well earned bath and can wear shorts tomorrow. Maybe not.

    Stay strong and brave. Don't be the asshole who gives temporary love in reality then takes it away. That's bullshit pain that no one deserves as a victim of this addiction. Including yourself if you are the addict. Back slides are one thing. Continual ones that bring in more and more addict tendencies are a weak mentality and a quitters choice.

    Stop hurting people with your addiction. Including yourself. It's a lonely world. If you allow it to be.

    Hugs and love to all. Enjoy today. Stay focused.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2019
  17. Bobske

    Bobske Fapstronaut

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    that's an addiction he should quit ;)

    You too, relax, stay in the moment, do not see everything as a chore. You have only one time; life.
    You seem to be in defensive and attack mode yourself. Kind of obvious that Mourde replies the same way.

    Time for more (positive) emotion between you to. You seem to be mumming him instead of letting your boundaries be known.
    The difference between: You were watching, the neighbour, no I wasn't, yes you were etc. in case of which you are both childish.
    or I feel like you are watching and this triggers me even though you might not be watching.

    or I'll let him massage me the wrong way and rub against me
    instead of, please a little softer, slower baby, I like you touching me but not grinding.


    Hope I'm being clear
     
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  18. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Hi Bobske :)

    As far as the neighbor I simply said to him there was no need to be rubbernecking. Of which he denied. I tried to reapproach the topic the next day because how is he to process he did it if he doesn't take accountability? I did implement boundaries and consequences the night it happened. So another day of denial did nothing but make things worse.

    And the massage I didnt ask for. I was washing dishes because he wasn't helping and he knew I was upset.

    One of his biggest ways to use me and go thru his cycle is to offer a massage, give a half assed one and then manipulate me for sex.

    He only approached because I was irritated I was washing dishes to appease himself and manipulate me.

    Sorry but that's not gonna fly.

    Even today he got up late and against his routine that he has not followed in days.

    Said "we" were up late. And he's late for work and said he didn't care. He is the breadwinner here. I was up late. I had to bath because I hadn't in days due to being so busy and overwhelmed here. He chose to stay up late. He chose to sleep on the edge of the bed and pout. He chose to not listen when I've told him time and again he's slipping. Showed him clear evidence and he chooses to continue to deny it, gaslight or try a guilt trip. He also has been not listening to words I say and twisting them to make himself the victim or that I'm saying things I'm not.

    No routine. Not doing his non-negotiable boundaries for weeks and backsliding?

    I have a right to be defensive. No smiles and "oh please baby, you've been regressing and doing things to trigger me so maybe lighten up the massage you're giving me to try to get sex" is going to help him snap out of pretend world here.

    Anyhoo...time for me to be productive as I've been slipping into depression and exhaustion myself. I have our boys to get motivated for football.

    Thanks again and have a great day! Stay strong!
     
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  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Hang in there guys, it’s just the effects of the previous weeks events. All will be good if you pull together.
     
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  20. MourdeCallsMeHazel

    MourdeCallsMeHazel Fapstronaut

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    Fireworks

    One of our oldest son's football "brother" has a sibling who is a little peanut I adore and needed somewhere to go during practice. Rather than him standing on the field for hours (dont get me wrong he's done it before and for a 6 year old this little angel is so well behaved), I brought him home with me to eat and play with our 12 year old.

    Pretty crazy right now with them running around but our son loves to play with new friends and I cannot say no or watch a child stand on a field hungry and bored. And I know his big brother would be distracted worrying the entire practice.

    Oh the things I do for this team and the boys...lol

    As we are driving to our home the little one is telling me about his nana's home and they shoot fireworks. And how they are "bootful but dangrous" (beautiful but dangerous). Lol. So true.

    Yesterday was like that. Full of fireworks. Mourde got home and patched our pool which he had put off a week. And he helped some which was nice. Still there was tension and from nothing balancing in the estate correctly yet as well as the football books I was more frustrated. I helped him make a spreadsheet which took well over an hour and found myself more frustrated he could have been doing something but was hovering over me.

    All I wanted was a bath. And to work on a stupid summer top I started over a month ago and have very little done on crocheting. Itll be next year or so done at this rate.

    By 11 PM I was like screw it. I stunk from not wearing shorts from not shaving in days. I had dog hair on me as well from trimming the pup. Hell I didnt even have time to walk her. The treadmill is now collecting dust.

    Mourde was like mad I wasn't getting a bath. Like it was my fault i didnt have time. Things suddenly changed as he became offensive and the fireworks were lit.

    He continued to deny he was in addict mode. Regressing. Not following his non negotiable boundaries. Not following his routine. I told him at least before this I had time for myself. In bed by 10 or 10.30. 7 months almost and it's more pain than anything. Just go back. I didnt care anymore.

    He snapped. Said he had feelings too.

    The fireworks hit the air then.

    I have feelings. I have been his biggest fan even before this. I have been his therapist because he never tried other than one email to get one. I have helped him process it all and work to recover.

    And when I hold him accountable he makes excuses and lies and treats me like hell. Cuts me off when I speak and it's all about him. I told him 24 years he's taken and broken me down more than I was. Used me. Hurt me.

    And he said I've done the same to him the whole time.

    Grand finale. Here we go.

    I snapped. 12 years I've been clean after doing the math. So I'll rescind and say 12 years he broke me down and used me. Hurt me. Take the knife out of my back, friend.

    I went to take my bath. For myself. I sobbed while I did. And went in to him on the edge of the bed. I get in and he stays turned away after slamming his glasses on the nightstand.

    I cried myself to sleep and had nightmares again all night.

    In this smoke filled aftermath of the fireworks he woke up late. Showered but he didnt have that clean awesome smell be used to. And said he didn't care if he was late to work. While this is the first week for the new guy and Mourde is his boss.

    Great mentoring.

    Little peanut here wanted popcorn and it's the stovetop kind so I had to ask Mourde how to make it. I dont know how. And Mourde asked if we could spend time together later. Unsure what his plans are I asked and he said watching TV and relaxing.

    I agreed. If time allows.

    There have been no apologies for hurting me these past days. I've made it clear how he has. No empathy that my self esteem has been turned upside down over his choices in regressing. I feel he truly does not believe he has done wrong. Until that happens he will remain in the cycle and stuck.

    For me? I'm dressed and have much to do today with work and ortho appointments and bank crap again this evening on top of dinner to make and rooms to clean. Same shit different day. Add on new duties and it's more fireworks waiting to be lit here.

    And the fuse is short.

    Be strong. And brave. Be good to yourself and others always.
     

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