Some have missed seeing me post, some haven't so much...either way, it's all good. I needed to come here this evening and explain a few things, get out a few thoughts, that sort. I left rather abruptly a few weeks ago, maybe longer. Time seems to...pull away...after awhile in this journey. @Mourde and I made the choice that I needed to back off, my journal was becoming bitter, crude at times, and yes..it reflected a different side at times of our journey, held him accountable...but he was not holding ME accountable. Who would have seen that, hm? My journaling didn't help him. I purposefully left it here rather than the closed SO group so that he could see how I felt, because I write better than I speak. I express differently in writing...it's raw and it's real. I was the gal who bit my tongue, or lashed out...no in between. And yes, sometimes my emotions here helped him, and other times, not so much. But coming here and venting and letting it out avoided what needed done. It avoided us face to face speaking. I made Mourde fix his counter. The number you see as of today, is real. About 3 weeks ago or so, I forced him to reset it, telling him he violated boundaries. Even after reaching out to his AP, and his AP letting him know that really he didn't violate them, unless that was specifically in the boundary list...Mourde still reset his counter. He did not M; not alone, per the boundary guidelines. Boundaries. Slick pieces of paper that we write up to protect ourselves. Legal-like in all ways. And like any good detective or lawyer, I found myself trying to read between the lines that I myself wrote as boundaries and we agreed upon. I wanted him to do something wrong. I wanted him to mess up. I wanted to see him fail. Pretty sad, huh? I let anger take over me; but not the normal anger. Not the raging screaming kind. Oh no, no no. The kind where you seethe and work towards just finding a way to make them pay for what they did. Make 'em suffer. Ridiculous of me. Childish of me. It saddens me even as I stare at that last paragraph that I hit that point. What the hell happened to me? During this journey of months now, and working on myself I found that my anger was not anger at all...not underneath. Loneliness, depression, frustration, grief...all led to this melting pot of a crapfest that had to end. 24 years. Thousands of women. The math is astounding. Real life affairs as well as PSubs and Porn and phone sex and anything and everything in between. All that crashing down like a weight from hell, topped with his PIED issues and reality check of how bad this all was. That's what happened to me. Mourde found his catalysts. And recently he had to face his biggest one: his own father. For once in his life, Mourde completely and without hesitating stood up for me against his family when his father had some not very nice things to say about me and threatened my life. And Mourde stood up against his father, then walked away from him. For me. That is love. I realized when I decided to leave awhile back, too, that I was allowing this place to influence me personally. There are some GREAT resources and help here. There are also some pretty rough things to read and advice that really isn't too helpful. I was in this whirlwind of a tornado dealing with way too much, too many voices in my ears, too many tips and spending way too much time here trying to figure things out. I lost myself more over that time than I had been lost before. I FED off the anger and bitterness and broken souls here, taking it from here into my own homefront. I did what no one should do. I let my build up of emotions due to communication breakdown take over my soul. That doesn't mean that I haven't spent time reading stories here in my absence of posting, or that I haven't been making sure Mourde stays on track with his own journal. I do. From a distance. It doesn't mean I don't care about everyone and wish every single person here on both sides of the equation peace and harmony and to love and be loved the way they should. It just was not helpful for me on my journey. Not at that time. Too much input. Too many try this and do that and shew...what a mess. Life here at home is hectic. More so now. But...it's different. Mourde is different. He's found his voice. He's standing up for himself more and more every single day and I'm so proud of his accomplishments and strength. I'm very proud of his determination to beat this. And I'm honored to have him in my life to help me grow and learn, and to be here for me now. He always was in some ways, which is something I can say honestly. I've let go of the past. I finally was able to when I understood why he did what he did. What led him to it all, why he chose certain women to flirt with or go after or even be with. I understand now all the questions I had for all these years that he would never answer. He answers now anything I ask, and that honesty was and is able to give me closure and move ahead rather than be at a standstill. I looked at the boundary list before I started this thread...to confirm what I knew. He didn't need a reset. He told me he didn't care, let it be the low number, he was fine with that, that we both knew the truth. I pressed him to fix that, because he earned it, fair and square, and I was wrong. If you see him around, please give him a round of applause for going so long without PM. He's doing great. He really is. We still have issues. What couple doesn't? We are literally relearning everything. About ourselves as individuals and as a couple. It's scary but cool. I am working on myself as much as I possibly can, and I learn something every single day. My outlook is pretty simplified anymore. He knows what he needs to do. I'm not here to 'mom' him or be his supervisor. I'm here to support him, point out my own feelings about something and open communication, and to be his wife and friend. Do I think he will relapse or have a setback? I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. Am I going to worry about that anymore? Nope. Today is today. I'm going to worry about today. If he messes up tomorrow, that's on him, and we will handle it. If he doesn't, awesome. I didn't have a DDay. Not one. I mean I knew what he was doing all along, just not the extent of it. Not every detail. Not why, or how, or where or his thoughts. I got a lot of that info on one day, yes. Then had some more minor times of being enlightened. It hurt. Real real bad. Took awhile for that to sink in to my soul and to process it. Then a few days/weeks and another tidbit of info. Communication breakdown at its finest. Always was the problem with us. It isn't anymore. Am I going to remember that day? nope. It's over. Pain inflicted, sorted out, working through it, getting over that landslide of shit and moving ahead now. No need to recall it or reflect on it in the future. It's done. Maybe I'm naïve. Maybe I'm a fool. Maybe it's wrong of me to say to him: let's throw the conventional way we see things done out the window, and utilize everything we have learned and are learning and seeing, and make up our own guideline, our own way of 'rehab' so to speak. I want us to be original in this healing of us. Because it has to be. We are all individuals. And yes, our stories may all sound so similar, but we are all unique, and what works for one couple certainly won't entirely for another. It's all good, though. Progress is progress. Mourde had the opportunity to look in a mirror, in a way. His father is an alcoholic and SA who abused his kids. And Mourde got to see his father erode into the shell of a man he is today. And all I said to Mourde about it was: if you don't wise up and stay focused, that WILL be you. I do believe that's all Mourde needed to hear from me and he didn't even need to hear it. He saw it for himself and realized it. That was Mourde's catalyst to stay focused and continue to heal and move ahead in life. While he's working on him, I am on me. My OCD is almost over and done with. I walk at least 6 miles a week now. I'm not the clean freak I was before. My anxiety is lower and my anger issues have went way down to the point I'm really proud of myself I am not looking at myself as a victim or focusing on betrayal trauma. I'm not numbing to it....I know what I went through, I know what I need to do in recovery and I know tossing that around for pity isn't going to get me anywhere. I stood up and dusted off and am tackling my problems head on. I'm tackling my own issues with self esteem that stemmed waaaaaaay before my marriage, tackling my issues with my physical ailments from all this with exercise, positive thinking and healthy(healthier is probably the best word lol) eating. Hell, I even brush my hair and try to get dressed better every day. And while we do that we work on each other. I actually find myself MISSING him when he leaves for work. MISSING talking to him. MISSING his hugs and the silly things he does to make me laugh. I never felt that way before except for when we first got together. I would sit here and pine away. I actually look forward to doing things with Mourde and the kids and getting out. I'm finding myself thinking of future outings and plans and I'm not anxious about it at all. I want to do those things. I'm not worried about where his eyeballs might be glancing or pSubs. We just had that talk the other day. More of a...well yea I yelled at him for staring at a lady who's underwear was showing on a tv comedy show...he totally forgot the 3 second rule. What chapped me was that he denied it, used excuses, then finally came around to seeing what he did and admitting it was wrong. He was more harsh on himself than I was on him. Mourde has become his own AP of sorts. That's a good thing. Actually a great thing. Sooooooo….I wanted to explain where I've been and why Mourde's number went up so drastically. Life is good, it will get better. That's for sure. Prayers to everyone, best wishes, stay strong, stay brave and smile.