Well now....

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by SOofanaddict, May 30, 2019.

  1. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    Some have missed seeing me post, some haven't so much...either way, it's all good. I needed to come here this evening and explain a few things, get out a few thoughts, that sort.

    I left rather abruptly a few weeks ago, maybe longer. Time seems to...pull away...after awhile in this journey. @Mourde and I made the choice that I needed to back off, my journal was becoming bitter, crude at times, and yes..it reflected a different side at times of our journey, held him accountable...but he was not holding ME accountable. Who would have seen that, hm?

    My journaling didn't help him. I purposefully left it here rather than the closed SO group so that he could see how I felt, because I write better than I speak. I express differently in writing...it's raw and it's real. I was the gal who bit my tongue, or lashed out...no in between. And yes, sometimes my emotions here helped him, and other times, not so much. But coming here and venting and letting it out avoided what needed done. It avoided us face to face speaking.

    I made Mourde fix his counter. The number you see as of today, is real. About 3 weeks ago or so, I forced him to reset it, telling him he violated boundaries. Even after reaching out to his AP, and his AP letting him know that really he didn't violate them, unless that was specifically in the boundary list...Mourde still reset his counter. He did not M; not alone, per the boundary guidelines.

    Boundaries. Slick pieces of paper that we write up to protect ourselves. Legal-like in all ways. And like any good detective or lawyer, I found myself trying to read between the lines that I myself wrote as boundaries and we agreed upon. I wanted him to do something wrong. I wanted him to mess up. I wanted to see him fail.

    Pretty sad, huh?

    I let anger take over me; but not the normal anger. Not the raging screaming kind. Oh no, no no. The kind where you seethe and work towards just finding a way to make them pay for what they did. Make 'em suffer.

    Ridiculous of me. Childish of me. It saddens me even as I stare at that last paragraph that I hit that point. What the hell happened to me?

    During this journey of months now, and working on myself I found that my anger was not anger at all...not underneath. Loneliness, depression, frustration, grief...all led to this melting pot of a crapfest that had to end.

    24 years. Thousands of women. The math is astounding. Real life affairs as well as PSubs and Porn and phone sex and anything and everything in between. All that crashing down like a weight from hell, topped with his PIED issues and reality check of how bad this all was. That's what happened to me.

    Mourde found his catalysts. And recently he had to face his biggest one: his own father. For once in his life, Mourde completely and without hesitating stood up for me against his family when his father had some not very nice things to say about me and threatened my life. And Mourde stood up against his father, then walked away from him. For me. That is love.

    I realized when I decided to leave awhile back, too, that I was allowing this place to influence me personally. There are some GREAT resources and help here. There are also some pretty rough things to read and advice that really isn't too helpful. I was in this whirlwind of a tornado dealing with way too much, too many voices in my ears, too many tips and spending way too much time here trying to figure things out. I lost myself more over that time than I had been lost before. I FED off the anger and bitterness and broken souls here, taking it from here into my own homefront. I did what no one should do. I let my build up of emotions due to communication breakdown take over my soul.

    That doesn't mean that I haven't spent time reading stories here in my absence of posting, or that I haven't been making sure Mourde stays on track with his own journal. I do. From a distance. It doesn't mean I don't care about everyone and wish every single person here on both sides of the equation peace and harmony and to love and be loved the way they should. It just was not helpful for me on my journey. Not at that time. Too much input. Too many try this and do that and shew...what a mess.

    Life here at home is hectic. More so now. But...it's different. Mourde is different. He's found his voice. He's standing up for himself more and more every single day and I'm so proud of his accomplishments and strength. I'm very proud of his determination to beat this. And I'm honored to have him in my life to help me grow and learn, and to be here for me now. He always was in some ways, which is something I can say honestly.

    I've let go of the past. I finally was able to when I understood why he did what he did. What led him to it all, why he chose certain women to flirt with or go after or even be with. I understand now all the questions I had for all these years that he would never answer. He answers now anything I ask, and that honesty was and is able to give me closure and move ahead rather than be at a standstill.

    I looked at the boundary list before I started this thread...to confirm what I knew. He didn't need a reset. He told me he didn't care, let it be the low number, he was fine with that, that we both knew the truth. I pressed him to fix that, because he earned it, fair and square, and I was wrong. If you see him around, please give him a round of applause for going so long without PM. He's doing great. He really is.

    We still have issues. What couple doesn't? We are literally relearning everything. About ourselves as individuals and as a couple. It's scary but cool. I am working on myself as much as I possibly can, and I learn something every single day.

    My outlook is pretty simplified anymore. He knows what he needs to do. I'm not here to 'mom' him or be his supervisor. I'm here to support him, point out my own feelings about something and open communication, and to be his wife and friend.

    Do I think he will relapse or have a setback? I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. Am I going to worry about that anymore? Nope. Today is today. I'm going to worry about today. If he messes up tomorrow, that's on him, and we will handle it. If he doesn't, awesome.

    I didn't have a DDay. Not one. I mean I knew what he was doing all along, just not the extent of it. Not every detail. Not why, or how, or where or his thoughts. I got a lot of that info on one day, yes. Then had some more minor times of being enlightened. It hurt. Real real bad. Took awhile for that to sink in to my soul and to process it. Then a few days/weeks and another tidbit of info. Communication breakdown at its finest. Always was the problem with us. It isn't anymore. Am I going to remember that day? nope. It's over. Pain inflicted, sorted out, working through it, getting over that landslide of shit and moving ahead now. No need to recall it or reflect on it in the future. It's done.

    Maybe I'm naïve. Maybe I'm a fool. Maybe it's wrong of me to say to him: let's throw the conventional way we see things done out the window, and utilize everything we have learned and are learning and seeing, and make up our own guideline, our own way of 'rehab' so to speak.

    I want us to be original in this healing of us. Because it has to be. We are all individuals. And yes, our stories may all sound so similar, but we are all unique, and what works for one couple certainly won't entirely for another. It's all good, though. Progress is progress.

    Mourde had the opportunity to look in a mirror, in a way. His father is an alcoholic and SA who abused his kids. And Mourde got to see his father erode into the shell of a man he is today. And all I said to Mourde about it was: if you don't wise up and stay focused, that WILL be you.

    I do believe that's all Mourde needed to hear from me and he didn't even need to hear it. He saw it for himself and realized it. That was Mourde's catalyst to stay focused and continue to heal and move ahead in life.

    While he's working on him, I am on me. My OCD is almost over and done with. I walk at least 6 miles a week now. I'm not the clean freak I was before. My anxiety is lower and my anger issues have went way down to the point I'm really proud of myself :) I am not looking at myself as a victim or focusing on betrayal trauma. I'm not numbing to it....I know what I went through, I know what I need to do in recovery and I know tossing that around for pity isn't going to get me anywhere. I stood up and dusted off and am tackling my problems head on. I'm tackling my own issues with self esteem that stemmed waaaaaaay before my marriage, tackling my issues with my physical ailments from all this with exercise, positive thinking and healthy(healthier is probably the best word lol) eating. Hell, I even brush my hair and try to get dressed better every day.

    And while we do that we work on each other. I actually find myself MISSING him when he leaves for work. MISSING talking to him. MISSING his hugs and the silly things he does to make me laugh. I never felt that way before except for when we first got together.

    I would sit here and pine away. I actually look forward to doing things with Mourde and the kids and getting out. I'm finding myself thinking of future outings and plans and I'm not anxious about it at all. I want to do those things. I'm not worried about where his eyeballs might be glancing or pSubs. We just had that talk the other day. More of a...well yea I yelled at him for staring at a lady who's underwear was showing on a tv comedy show...he totally forgot the 3 second rule. What chapped me was that he denied it, used excuses, then finally came around to seeing what he did and admitting it was wrong. He was more harsh on himself than I was on him. Mourde has become his own AP of sorts. That's a good thing. Actually a great thing.

    Sooooooo….I wanted to explain where I've been and why Mourde's number went up so drastically.

    Life is good, it will get better. That's for sure.

    Prayers to everyone, best wishes, stay strong, stay brave and smile.
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
  2. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    All this sou.ds great to me. I think and this is my sarcastic joking streak.

    I think and I am NOT good at it, but I think I sensed some humanity in there.

    Remember we are our own worst critics. The little i have began to learn of you and Morde I see similarities and know in my heart that you two are walking down the sam road and even in the same direction...keep walking
    SOofanaddict likes this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Excellent post of detaching with love..and of forgiveness. One day and one step at a time, oh heck sometimes it’s one moment at a time.
    You’re doing great, and your post is inspiring...GOOD JOB
    SOofanaddict likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Great post. I have seen, maybe just in Mourde's posts, that the "knifes edge" that the relationship seemed to be on had dulled or disappeared. That enough trust had returned so that any little thing wasn't a BIG thing. Some of those close calls probably helped Mourde understand what he needed to do and some just seemed to freak him out. I am so glad that the highs and lows are getting closer and the progress is still moving along.

    And, glad to see you are back posting your own thoughts. For every SO story there are some PAs that need to hear it because it's what there SO is feeling.
    SOofanaddict likes this.
  6. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    Me too..I missed you!! Hoping all is well, big hugs to you!
  7. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    Thanks. Yea we definitely had more edgy moments than dull ones there for some time. Journaling helped but it also detached from face to face communication. We really appreciate your advice and perspective through all this!
  8. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut


    I'm tired, haven't been sleeping well for 2 nights. Mourde snores, and we have some serious sinus/allergy/possible colds going on so he's like a woodcutter all night. The level to which you think to yourself a pillow over the face might do some good to make the noise stop. Kidding here...I'd never do that. Heh.

    It's been cold and raining here for I don't even know how many days now. But things are good.

    Mourde's been busy with changes at his workplace since his father was forced out. Yes, he worked with the original cause of his addiction and abuse, and Mourde took that abuse at work, as an adult, too. So now that things are cleared up there, and changes happening, it's all new to Mourde and he's trying to get things running smoothly since he's the Foreman as of TODAY at 3 pm. (yay, go Mourde go!!) he's been a bit anxious with that and the fact they are a man short so there's a new hiring process in place that he will be part of, and the only other gent working with him, well that person's parent just passed away yesterday, and our family is close to theirs, so it's hard to see the other family hurting.

    Mourde hasn't been his huggable self for a few days, but he's been affectionate and helpful and good to me, so I can't complain. I know how it is when things are emotionally and physically overwhelming and you're just trying to keep things straight. He's doing great, I'm proud of him. And we talk ALOT now. I'm happy I made the choice to back away from here for awhile to just collect myself, work on myself and face him rather than him read how I felt.

    I did that a lot previously. I'd pull the old "I'm fine" card, or not approach him on an issue I had immediately, then wait until he left and get on here and go OFF in a journal entry. It wasn't healthy for either of us or our marriage. I'm learning to say what needs off my chest sooner rather than later.

    Yesterday he brought up FANOS. He didn't know what it was but read about it. We actually do the karezza stuff to a degree. We really don't have a choice because he still tends to have some PIED/ED issues. So I guess it's a good thing? We are just sort of...rolling with it at this point. Anyhoo, FANOS. I pulled up the acronym and he was saying how he read some people really dread it and others like it and I stopped him and explained that's them. If he wanted to see what it was about let's try it out. He agreed.

    So at 10 pm-ish, in the kitchen, we just did a round of FANOS spur of the moment. It went actually better than we both expected. We both have a pretty high sense of humor and even joked about some things we said, and the S (sobriety) was last, and he paused a second or two then opened up to me.

    Since he's still in recovery we used the Sobriety to hold him accountable and he told me about how at the meeting earlier there's a new councilwoman. He had mentioned her when he got home from the meeting, he told me about her face. He said she looked like that real lady who turned herself in to Barbie? That her lips were too big from botox and her face looked so stretched.

    During FANOS he went a little bit further in to this on his own. I knew then that this woman affected him. He told me she's younger than us, and her face was weird, and that in the past he would have ogled her, took a gander up and down, then put her in his mind rolodex for reference, she was thin, but he didn't look at her that way. He looked her in the eyes, shook her hand, and that was that.

    This opened up some conversation because I had questions. If her face was the way he said, why in the world would he want to rolodex that? He said he just would have. I said so basically she looked like a porn queen? He said yea, kind of. But he wasn't into that anymore, he kept it professional and had no urges or desires. I was proud of him. For telling me this and for doing the right thing.

    Do I know for sure he did the right thing? nope. Do I know for sure she isn't rolodexed? nope. Do I think he is going to see her often at work? yep. Am I worried about 'what if...' or 'he needs to stay away from her'? nope.

    Mourde is responsible for Mourde. I truly believe he's stepped over the line into the light of day and is on the right path. Yes, he will probably ogle still and I'm hoping catch himself for accountability rather than me mention it or someone else. He's only learning that the television is full of pSUBs and seriously, even cartoons for kids and the commercials in between have psubs..it's craaaaaaazy.

    Would he have told me more about this woman if we didn't do FANOS last night? nope. -chuckles- he isn't a dumb man at all, he mentioned her face earlier like I said and that was strange, but in retrospect, it's because she stuck in his head even hours after the meeting. I *could* worry about her, but I'm going to make a supreme effort not to.

    I have a life to live, and worrying about other women isn't on my to-do list.

    I'm finding myself with a little bit of a skip in my step, that sassy sway when I walk. For a few reasons. Mourde shows affection and attention, that's huge. I found my worth, that's hugest. (not a word but you get my drift). I'm no showpiece but I make THE best chocolate chip cookies this side of the river AND I can turn yarn in to just about anything (crochet and knit) AND I make people laugh even when they are sad AND I am a pretty nice person in general. I also have some stellar blue eyes and I snort when I laugh...and I know that's super awesome. :)

    It's summer too soon. SOs...feel me on hating summer right? Challenges and triggers for us and our partner e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.

    Tomorrow bright and early is a pup visit to the vet, and after for the football team (somehow I'm on the Board now and even though I volunteer ALL of my free time to help the team and the boys, now I have more on my plate) we are doing a tent set-up during a closed off main streets of town party. The whole town gets involved and literally the streets are jam packed and it's like a big street fair of everything. Food, games, prizes, dunking booths, companies promoting and stores having sales on the sidewalks. It's so awesome and we work for fundraising for the team and raffles and the boys help play games with the little ones and hand out prizes and we work on recruiting more boys to join that haven't yet. It's also a trigger for me and Mourde. Where there are a lot of people on a day set to be 81 degrees...there will be short shorts, low tops and undoubtedly those handful(s) of women who feel wearing a bra just isn't necessary even as a size 40DD. Yessssss to all the above. (insert eyeball roll here).

    So. What's the plan? I run this tent for 3 hours with Mourde and my boys helping and a new mom to the team should be there an hour and yea....busy and hectic. Did I mention I have issues with social anxiety? it'll be a 'take a pill before we leave' kind of day. Mourde ALSO has social anxiety. (Fun fact: PA/SAs tend to have low self-esteem and feel judged by everyone, especially given they are an addict even when recovering, so they enjoy social aspects on ogling however don't enjoy the fact they are 'exposed' in a way. I read that during my researches :)

    So I'll be working this booth and making sure these beastly boys on the team don't go tossing footballs at the dunking booth next to our tent for shits and giggles just to watch some poor sap go into a vat of freezing water, and I'll be making sure raffle tickets are sold and apparel sales and seeing kiddos with smiling faces wanting candy and toys and then I'll be hearing from my boys how they are hungry every 2 minutes and making sure they aren't lost in the crowd all the while....Mourde will be on my mind.

    Not on my mind fretting if he's getting a fix on his rolodex. He will be on my mind as to if he is okay in such a hectic environment. Because if he isn't okay, THEN triggers start. I read about codewords if necessary. Like if he's stressed and needs to get away from a situation or anxious or whatever, and we are in public and can't talk right then and there we have a codeword to where at least he says it and that sets a flag off for me to offer support, even in a hug and reassuring him it's okay, take a step back and get some air type of thing. I'll have to talk to him later about that because it just came to mind about that idea now.

    We have a new puppy (we didn't intend to have this pup, his father bought it to impress some woman he met on a fish-dating-app-thing? and the woman didn't want it, so we ended up rescuing this precious thing from his dad because the pup was crated for days and underfed and covered in feces) and she's on my son's bed dreaming her puppy dreams and doing that cute little sleep-bark lol. In all this hectic crap, this furball we never expected to have indeed caused some stress at first (we already have 3 dogs and a parrot) for everyone, and still does at times with her silly pup ways, but she's also brought us all closer together in house because we all adore this little shit and she's soooooo needy and has separation anxiety thanks to his father and father's woman crating and ignoring her.

    So, it's crazy given the chaos of school almost over and animals everywhere and football season happening now...conditioning has already started and goes on up until game 1 in August, I never knew until 3 years ago that football is a year-round thing between players working on themselves and fundraising and getting things ready for gameday. Hell, game days are NOTHING compared to what needs to happen around those days. But it's crazy good.

    Mourde is working on himself every day now and we have our goals individually and together and we even are at a place where I'm looking over my boundary list and adjusting it somewhat because it was too tight in boundaries. He's earned a lot, and he's earning my respect back as my husband and my friend, and he's earning trust back every day. He's being human, he's being real, and by him doing all that for himself, he's helping me learn my own weaknesses and address them. And he's helping me to address them. That's pretty damn cool.

    It's gonna be an awesome day tomorrow, here's hoping this rain stops during the event. If not...I have some cool polka dot rain boots and you bet I'm gonna splash around in them lol. Maybe I'll lend them to the poor soul in the dunking booth to wear so their feet stays dry haha. That would be cool to see.

    Smile please, it's Fridaaaaaaaay. Hugs, love and prayers to everyone. Be safe, be happy, be YOU, keep working to be better for YOU...the rest falls in place.
  9. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut


    Everytime I pulled open Nofap to convo someone or read it...Mourde's been groaning. I don't blame him. Given the nature of what I used to write when things went a little sour, I'd groan too.

    Saturday went...good and bad? The day turned out no rain, busy crowd and we got 25% more fundraising in than last year, which was HUGE for the team given we are down many kids this year and also taking a loss on concessions we won't have open for a game we normally do. Our boys helped a lot when they weren't joking around and being boys and enjoying the time out with their friends. And ironically I won a raffle (I NEVER win anything), and I donated half back to the team. That was all great. Mourde helped tons and honestly..he did great. He showed affection at times, especially when he saw I was anxious or he was, or when he noticed someone in the crowd or at our booth that was a potential ogling issue. He truthfully kept up with the 3 second or less rule a LOT more than I expected. There were a few but overall, yea, he did great.

    There was one, though.

    Before I get in to the 'one', let me backtrack to a few hours before the fair and get to the vet. If anyone reads @Mourde's post, they'd see his explanation of the vet, and yes....it's all true. Unfortunately I can't even request another vet for the pup who needs seen a few more times in the upcoming weeks because the vet I adore is out with surgery and recovery. So I'll have to be taking the pup by myself from now on until our regular vet is back. I seriously don't think the woman meant harm or foul by her actions, but what she did was inappropriate to say the least. Mourde did notice something I didn't...she had her engagement ring and wedding band hung on a chain around her neck. I didn't even notice that detail, which I'm not sure to be happy he noticed it and kept his eyes up while she was flopping around spread legged on the counter to show us how the pup needed her knees fixed or if I should be upset he focused so much on her. Well..at least he focused on her neck and not her crotch, so I'll consider it a good visit.

    I know that the anxiety of the crowd, him never having worked this booth before AND Miss Spread Eagle all began triggers for us both even before we wound up at that booth. Thankfully we were at the very end of the street fair, which made things a lot easier with the crowd being thinned by the time they got to us.

    It was hot, it was sunny, and like I said, it was busy. BUT he did great overall.

    I was already prepped for a problem. Friday night he told me about how the chief and he were talking about the new councilwoman and how the chief said all his guys were telling him how 'hot' she was. Now...Mourde didn't exactly mention that one. He said she had the weird face and how she was thin, that's all he knew. So for the 3rd time he brings up this woman and tells me how she's 'hot' based on what some other guys are saying and how the chief said he doesn't understand how guys look at women that way (the chief is OLD school and we love him like family). Mourde agreed with the chief, but here he is in the midst of recovery. It wasn't too refreshing to hear about this woman again and again and yet one more time. And each time I'm hearing more about her in ways I don't want to hear, you know?

    So...We have this discussion Friday night, the vet sprawled out like some porn queen showing us about our dog's knees Saturday morning and here we go to the booth...

    Now, I did change after the vet. I put on some jean shorts, a tshirt that was the school colors and had NO time for hair, so I wore a bandana. I always keep my hair covered for the most part...I'll get to that reasoning shortly. I was self conscious and asked him if I looked okay, and he said: "yea you look fine let's go".

    The Dunking Booth next to us was closed most of the day. No one wanted in it. One of our boys volunteered but he was too young and finally an old gent who wanted to see the kids happy climbed on it and started it up. Across from us was a booth and our youngest son goes to school with one of the kids that was at that particular booth so they were talking and playing. There was a woman there as well who when the dunking booth opened suddenly stepped out and was a few feet from us, and this would be the 'one'.

    She was average, seriously. About our age, wore blue jeans, a white tshirt, a little thinner than I am, and had some massively long hair. I think I mentioned before Mourde has never been picky on 'his women' except the long hair thing. I unintentionally lied to @Sadgirl and I'm going to apologize here...because I told her that Mourde NEVER insulted my looks. I remember now, and didn't when I told her that, but he did insult me. About my hair. And remembering this right now hurts my heart.

    My hair is thin. It's always been but the stress over the years has made it a lot thinner and for me to have long hair, no matter what I do with it, it looks bad. I've had it like shoulder length and that was okay but it was not what I really liked (it was super flat and bleh) and I'd always wear hats or bandanas or put it up in a bun or something. When she was 4ish..our second daughter got his electric clippers and snuck up behind me and buzzed a big part of my hair and I had to shave my head. What can you do, you know? Mourde freaked out and said I looked like a boy and he hated it :( As it started to grow back and was still short I loved it and got a lot of compliments on it but he kept saying how he liked it long, he didn't want people saying he was with a guy. I'd let it grow some then get sick of looking bad with it and get it cut short again and every time he'd frown. So yea...he has insulted me over something so trivial as hair...and to this day still likes long hair better. The "one" obviously proved that point.

    Back to her. So, she has jeans, a white tshirt, looooong hair all flowing in the breeze and a little thinner than me. Nothing more, nothing less. Nothing tight, nothing showing. But this one...man she caught his eyeballs. He's learned, evolved....grown....oh yes, my friends...they learn how to get around and under the 3 second rule.

    He'd look at the old man in the dunking booth, then zip those eyes to her, then back to the old guy, then her, hold it for 2 seconds or so, then back to the old man. I watching this crap go on and on and on, for minutes, because we were slow since the crowd was enamored by the dunking booth and wasn't moving our way. The crowd was stuck at the booth before ours, and Mourde was stuck on this woman.

    DURING this, I warned him: "dude, watch it ED". (we chose ed or edward as a codeword if he got out of control or needed support). The codeword failed. Afterwards, I told him and he looked shocked. He said he didn't know he was doing it. He said and still says to this very second that he couldn't event tell you what she was wearing. Given the fact that his notes on his disclosure states in his handwriting that when he finds a target he pictures what they look like naked, or what he'd do with her in bed, I don't think what they wear is really something he'd remember anyway. Not unless it was something revealing then he may. He undressed her before he saw her as a person, I guess. I don't know. I know him denying he did it, then saying to me: "well if you say I did then I did I guess". There was no...remorse? no...nothing. A quick "I'm sorry I guess I have to work on that more".

    Bah. It's funny how one person in hundreds can make me feel like a piece of shit. We got home, tired, and I took care of the pets and cleaned some and did yardwork to stay busy and not flip out and kept trying to talk to him about this, because I had feelings about it....I felt neglected, I felt hurt, confused, depressed, abandoned, and I felt ugly. Any one of those emotions left unchecked leads to, in my situation, anger. I kept expressing how I felt and Mourde kept on pushing it aside and acting like it was no big deal.

    It was a huge deal.

    That night he did the old 'grind on her from behind to try to get a piece of ass' routine...you ladies know what I'm talking about. Yea...no.

    Yesterday it festered. He knew it. In the morning another bit of grinding on me, or as he called it 'cuddling'. I don't like that. No woman does. Not when they are hurt and upset. Not when they have been put once again as second best.

    You cannot make up for a screw up with sex. You can't. It doesn't fix a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. It doesn't make a person forget. It doesn't help ease tension.

    I went apeshit yesterday. Not in some crazy ignorant screamfest. I did it in a very loud tell-it-like-it-is way. If you aren't going to work hard EVERY day as an addict or in any mental health recovery, you will fail. Period. If you aren't going to take accountability, reach out to your AP, WORK on goals, make excuses and not feel remorse for screw ups, you will fail. Period. If you aren't going to take some serious time to THINK when someone says: you fucked up. And THINK, even if/when you can't recall messing up, and try to figure out how to have stopped the situation (if a codeword doesn't work, what other options are there? or maybe take the codeword seriously)...you will fail. Period.

    How do I know this??

    Because I. Am. An. Addict. Too.


    Sex? yes. I did cyber sex to get the emotional rush and twisted love I needed that I wasn't getting from Mourde. I did that for years and years, and one day...I stopped. And I have no desire to do it again.

    I had no desire to meet people or for porn or to masturbate or have physical sex of any sort, I literally only wanted that mental/intimate connection in a RP environment to play pretend and get out of facing life. I wanted to Roleplay what I felt a real relationship should be like. Because it lacked in my own relationship with Mourde. I wanted for someone, even a fake character at that point, to love me for who I was inside. That couldn't *see* me or *touch* me. I just wanted them to put me as their number 1.

    I had to work on that 11 years ago when the ACOA stuff got going in to full swing. I had my AP and Mentor. I had to admit things I did not want to. I had to work on why I did what I did. I had to ask for forgiveness. I had to forgive. I went through the 12 steps and finally have completed all 12 recently. (my last step wasn't stopping the addiction, it was letting go of my father). So I know. I get it. It's hard. It sucks. It's easier to keep doing the same shit than change. But I'm proof. I'm proof you can get through this crap and love one person so much (yourself) that you can love another. I'm proof that when you commit every ounce of your being to stopping an addiction, it not only makes YOU better but those around you. It's enlightening. It's empowering. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. And it completely committed me to my husband, because he's ALL I want. And I have lived a life where just like him, I messed up looking for salvation in the wrong ways thanks to underlying issues, where we both stuck it out in our own twisted ways and somehow made it through, and are still clinging to this life raft that's got a pinhole in it in the shark infested ocean. And I don't regret that. I don't regret what I did. It helped me to grow. It helped me to learn and to be a good mom and good person. It showed me all the things wrong in life and taught me to appreciate the reality of every single living creature, and to respect it all. It affirmed my faith in God and in myself and in my abilities and in my commitment to Mourde. But during all this, and even now, I have to question...where is he. Where. Is. He. How serious is he? How commited...is he? How...when...will it get easier.

    Alcohol...yea I was on the line with that one. Drugs...not so much on the illegal side, moreso on the prescription end. Smoking, yep, still do.

    We all have dirty little secrets, don't we? Doesn't make anyone better than another. Doesn't make anyone worse. We all are broken. Remember that. It isn't a race. But it isn't a sit down dinner with an endless buffet, either. Shit or get off the pot.

    I think what really puts things in perspective for addicts is when they see the true hurt they've caused. The true pain and agony. That's pretty friggen real then. It's pretty harsh. And it's a huge help in staying sober in some way.

    I don't know anymore. I really don't. I'd like to say I do...but I don't.

    This is a long post, not unusual but, I'm tired and my brain hurts. My heart hurts. Over one stupid incident that triggered me and Mourde's not been very helpful with helping me get over this hump. I bawled yesterday, then stayed angry. Then I just got this...fuck it....attitude. I literally found myself saying out loud yesterday: I wish things were the way they were.

    Like I just wanted to go back to before this and him do his things and me do my things with keeping the house ship shape, work, kids, pets, and planning the 6 year leave.

    I didn't even stop myself from saying that out loud.

    I don't know anyone that is in my life as a "family member"...other than my kids...that has not used and abused me in some way. How sad is that? And I'm like here all messed up trying really hard to be right in the brains and keep myself in order, watching it all go down. Thinking about everything and shaking my head.

    Monday's suck. But I'm going to lift my chin up and hope Mourde reaches out for help on this, hope he works more with APs, and keeps working on himself.

    I've been saying and will continue to: he's doing phenominal on himself and I'm so proud of that. As for things on a relationship level...WE are doing a LOT better than before. There's a LOT to do yet. I know this is a bump in the overall road, but it concerns me that if he doesn't get this in check it could lead to worse things. He's been making excuses on his journaling and his lack of working on himself. "Too busy" is unacceptable.

    Here's to an awesome week for everyone and hopefully no more rain where we are for awhile, have a great morning and stay smiling, stay beautiful, prayers and hugs to all.
  10. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Way ta go FREEDOM...thank you for sharing your story. Truly brave and courageous. Yup we all have our stories, past , and triggers.
    You’re doing great...don’t give up on moving forward. It’s a challenge at times, but that’s when you know you’re growing .
    Your self awareness is awesome . You gave a gift of vulnerability. Stay positive, true to yourself , honest to a fault..and above all else...CELEBRATE your FREEDOM
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I fully understand this-how those words are seared permanently. And how they become such huge triggers.

    I understand this too-my hair has always been long but thin but I had lots of it, but I lost 50% of it after the first DDAY and had to cut it near my chin. It is a bit better than it was, but it will never be the same due to all this stress. My PA loves long hair too and in the past (when my hair was at it's best) insulted it as well.

    It is unreal. Why was he so enamoured with her? The hair? My husband loves fake breasts. I have natural nursed two kids 42 year old breasts. It is awful to feel unloved and undesired about something that is us. It is so insulting.

    Were you two marrried then? Did he know? Was he a SA then also? Sorry so many questions, but your perspective is unique.

    YES YES YES. This is why SA hurts so badly.
    Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts. You are brave and inspiring. <3
    hope4healing and Mourde like this.
  12. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry to hear about your hair too. I've even tried to think to myself things like...If i was truly ill from chemo or radiation I could accept the hair thinning but from stress....its unnerving.

    I don't know what about this woman it was. Even he says he doesn't remember her or doing it.

    I was doing cyber before we met. I was in a toxic first marriage and that was my sick outlet.

    Yes. Mourde was addicted far before I was. I always enjoyed RP and ended up finding my intimacy there because it lacked in reality. He knew about it. And he would ask me to stop but I had the mentality "why stop when you do what you do?". He was in to porn, real sex encounters, nude clubs, cyber, phone sex, he's had affairs of every kind.

    That doesn't excuse what I did. Admittedly i would start to talk to some of the people i role played with on the phone and it was to make him jealous. He'd knock off the stuff for awhile but go back to it.

    We literally negatively affected each other. I've been clean for years now. Well over 8 years..I think closer to 10. Truthfully I lost count, Mourde can answer that question better. Ive lost a LOT of long term memories due to a nervous breakdown (that's what inspired my ACOA as well as sobering up from the SA) and from the anxiety med I'm on.

    We brought each other down and lift each other up in our own weird ways. I'm okay now and want him to see this side of life. And to see and feel life for what it really is. And to see people for who they are. It's really a beautiful place to be in life and he deserves that too.
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2019
    hope4healing and Mourde like this.
  13. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    Massive hugs and love to you...I hope today is a great day for you!!!
    Lostneverland and Mourde like this.
  14. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    I have faith you both will be where you want to be.

    I know in the past that disconnected me objectified and ogled ladies. I KNOW now that even I though I loved my wife, looking at other ladies and thinking the things I was thinking sometines has made me pay attention to myself more now.
    And yes @SOofanaddict she @ccrowegreen got the nightgown LOL
  15. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

    Not only is her perspective unique but she is also unique, and yes I knew of the things she did along with her knowing most of the things I did. I would have to say she has been clean for about 10 years and yes I was a SA then,I have always been a SA in some way or another! Sorry to jump in but I hope that clears some stuff up! And the thing with her hair was something I said 17 years ago and I love the way her hair is today!
    Sadgirl likes this.
  16. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

    We have always been there for each other when we really needed to be there and I'm doing what ever it takes to make myself better so we can make our marriage better! Love you forever and always!
    Sadgirl and hope4healing like this.
  17. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    Love ya too hun. The sun's out and I got some ice...cold....water....if you need it? Lol
    Mourde likes this.
  18. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

    Ice....cold....water....could be the answer to all my problems! LOL
  19. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut


    It's a gorgeous morning, I can't deny that. Sun is bright even though it's supposed to rain, it's warm, and yet I'm exhausted. I slept well I think? I'm just...drained. It's been that way for a few days now, always happens, and I really don't care for that feeling.

    There's so much to do here. But I'm lucky I get the basics done. The pup keeps me really busy, and school is almost over, and I have appointments every day starting tomorrow...

    ...and my damned car won't start...again. Same as a few weeks ago. Yesterday we planned on using it to go to the funeral home (Mourde's colleague's mom passed away), and we get dressed and turn the key and nothing.

    It's damn frustrating when the mechanic had the car, replaced the starter and it was just fine weeks ago and now this again. And they can't even look at it until tomorrow. Some appointments I can reschedule but others with the school...that can't be moved and now I'm overthinking how I'm going to get to where I need to be. Worst case those cars you ask people to drive you around in I guess. I don't know.

    Lists. My OCD is starting up in gear again and so I'm going to work on some to help my mind settle down and get on track. List of what needs done in house. List of what needs done for the kids. List of goods and bads.

    Goods and bads lists....anyone else do those? In therapy they had us always use those to determine decisions we were having a hard time making. You write the positives/goods and negatives/bads and that kind of determined your decision and gave you some mental clarity in a reality check of sorts. Some lists I'd spend seconds on, others days/weeks, depending on the decision.

    Things with Mourde are up and down. That in itself is the biggest catalyst of what exhausts me. One moment is great but for that one moment there are many down moments. And it's all in regards to this reboot and quitting PMO/SA. He's not fully committed, that I know. He can say he is all he wants but...he slacks.

    What man doesn't lol...seriously.

    Lot's of feeling sorry for himself and worrying too much about what got him here in the first place. Sometimes you have to stop thinking so much and just...be.

    He's been fretting performance under the sheets to the point that it's getting ridiculous. I have a hard time understanding how such value men place on themselves to perform is so high. Like...if they have issues in bed they think the world is ending. Why? Yea I know..the addiction did based on bad wiring and them thinking they need to be some porn dude to please a woman.

    Little secret, guys....those porn dudes...are pretty limp and having problems, too. They may seem okay and grand and all but...honestly? I can make all those noises and pretend too like the women on screen and that doesn't mean it's going well with sex.

    And really...the biggest slap in the fact to a woman in bed is going limp soooo...yea...porn ain't what it's all cracked up to be. You got some made up dolls screwing strangers who are limp and he's faking it and so is she soooo....think about that. And I'm kind of a germaphobe and Lord have MERCY the germs flying on those flicks are just...shew...lots of germs.

    Back to a few days ago. Mourde decided to have some 'us' time. And I..yes me...initiated the event. Well...this went from 'us' to 'him' time. Now...I've been second or 100th best for the better part of 24 years with this man, and ended up completely shutting down physically with him, and finally my own libido fires back up again because he's helping and kind and I'm wanting near him and with him...and he keeps on pulling this nonsense of 'him' and 'his' ending. It's really frustrating. Mainly because he just..zones out and finishes and that's that for that.

    I feel very used. Very alone. And very pissed. My anger comes from loneliness, betrayal, being used, frustration, and not being heard. I'm reminding myself of that a LOT to keep the anger away and work through the other emotions.

    I AM the woman who eventually has a boiling point and dishes go flying and I start screaming. I've been working SO hard to get out of that way of living and finally am doing great and I'm not about to get to be some 'monster' venting over my husband's selfishness.

    The addict is peeking out...I see him. Remember how I learned to separate the addict from the real him? To keep them in my head as separate entities? If I do that, then I have compassion for the real Mourde, love for him, and know he's in there somewhere. The addict I hate, and work towards taking that sucker out for good. I think a lot of days I work harder than Mourde at that. That in itself isn't going to work long term.

    He's doing great still. For himself. I say that all the time and will keep saying it until he changes, IF he changes.

    The beginning of his enlightenment was awesome. He was an equal in house helping me. He was caring and he used my love language so well. I felt special more than ever with him.

    Then the addict side started using my language against me. And I caught on. He'd use it (touch is mine) to get sex. And I called him out on it and ever since then for some time he keeps a distance in general. It isn't cool. It seems forced a lot from him, and lately there isn't much.

    Yes things are stressful here. They are for everyone.

    He knew immediately I was upset 2 nights ago. And rather than trying to resolve things or do ANYTHING, he just went to sleep. Like seriously. Yesterday he got up, went to work feeling sorry for himself, was polite and the usual peck on the lips and a quick hug sometimes when he left. He wanted to talk about everything else but our situation and finally in the evening we did some, but it was all about him and his issues and blah blah blah. 11 o'clock I'm wiping down the shower from the boys not cleaning up after themselves, closing up the house and handling everything. To remind him: Hey guess what? I did EVERYTHING here in house today. ALONE. No I in TEAM. Because we ARE NOT a TEAM.

    I want to cry. And probably will here shortly. You know that buildup when it's about to hit you and you keep trying to fight it down? Yea...I'm there. Been there for days and days and that's probably why I feel so drained. So I'll do the usual sobfest here alone, stand back up and get back to what I do. Which is everything.

    He doesn't work on himself much. It's always he's too busy. We're doing so much there's no time. He follows me around basically, instead of helping. He doesn't make a list. He doesn't read up on himself. He journals because he gets yelled at if he doesn't. It's not exactly like he wants to. When you want to...that's when healing starts.

    He's clinging to his old self. I see that. And until he decides to let that go and be himself, he's screwed.

    Speaking of screwed....Saturday. all day, 80s in temps and sunny. And the team has a fundraiser again. Car wash.

    Can you picture the face I'm making right now? Because I run it half the day and Mourde the second half. Second half I don't plan on being there to help him out because of the pup. The separation anxiety issue means we can't leave her alone a lot and after hours in that sun I'm heading home to get out of it and let him work the second shift. He's going to be responsible for himself. By himself. I'm sort of to the point I don't even care what he does anymore??

    Is that bad to feel that way?


    When I look at the goods vs. bads with this 'journey',...well...it's about even so far. The good moments are great. Bad ones real bad. I think it's the emotional and physical toll this is all taking on me that is leaving a sour taste in my mouth right now. There wasn't this much pain, turmoil, arguing, misery in general, before this choice of his to be here. It was like we were roomies. I'll be honest...I miss those days because I had time for myself to do what I enjoy doing. I didn't have to be some bedroom experiment for him.

    The only reason he even started this nofap was because he had ED. It wasn't to 'help the relationship' or 'be a better man', it was because his penis literally could not get hard. Just like I said...it's ridiculous how much weight men put on their weeners to what they believe their worth is.

    I'm praying things level out here. I'm praying he decides to embrace this reboot completely and work towards US. I'm praying I get some time for myself and help around here because I'm literally falling apart. I have told him that for years and years and I still do. It isn't fair. It isn't right. No one deserves this.

    I'm praying things for you all are better today. That the addicts stay strong, stay sober, and keep working to better themselves and their relationships. I'm praying for some inner peace and strength for every single one of us. And some enlightenment for those that need it.

    Big hugs, big smiles, lots of love and peace to everyone. Have an awesome day and try to enjoy the sun.
    hope4healing and MisterDirection like this.
  20. SOofanaddict

    SOofanaddict Fapstronaut

    So @Mourde and I are doing our usual goofy talk of the evening and I thought I'd bring it here. To lighten the mood and possibly open up discussion...or just for a chuckle.

    Question time.

    1. Are Monks REALLY celebrate? Do they fap?? If they've taken a vow of silence...how can anyone know if they have or haven't? Anyone know any personally?

    2. Do monkeys get ED?

    3. Mourde wants to know...is self love considered fapping? Something about worms being asexual (he's talking too fast lol). If you are committed to only yourself and self love...are you giving yourself betrayal trauma?

    4. Regarding #3...imagine what a CSAT would do if a person came to them with THAT issue.

    5. Why do older people call boobs things like "walnuts" and "coconuts"? Was that their hidden codewords when out and about?

    6. Who decided the icon for the site should look like a bright red weener shooting into space was a good idea?

    Well. That closes our evening talk for now and Q and A.

    Have a great one everyone, prayers, hugs and love to all.

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