War with myself

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by jenthleth, Sep 19, 2018.

  1. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 63. Today was better than yesterday, but not as clean as I hoped. Still had some careless Internet voyages. I think I had a wet dream last night, which is interesting. Those are rare for me. Hoping that will release some of the urges.

    Today was basically the same as yesterday. Did some work, wasted some time, got distracted too much probably. My family isn't huge on holidays in general, so not much Thanksgiving celebration, but I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving if you celebrate.
     
  2. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 64. Another wet dream last night (accompanied by a rather strange dream). I hope this means my body is learning to get rid of urges by itself. Or maybe I need to work until even my subconscious doesn't think sexual thoughts. I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. Minimal bad Internet use and dirty thoughts today.

    I feel like I'm running out of time to do everything I want to get done this Thanksgiving break, which isn't good. Probably wasting too much time.
     
  3. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 65. Relapsed pretty hard today. One bad search term led to another, ending in masturbation. The problem was, after I masturbated I figured I couldn't make today worse so I ended up looking at a lot of other porn pictures. I didn't even have particularly bad urges today, so nothing to blame except myself.
     
  4. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 66. Today was a lot better. Yesterday's binge led to today's exhaustion. Pretty successful at stamping down all sexual thoughts.

    I feel like I should've procrastinated less today. Oh well. Needed a break.
     
  5. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 67. Today was pretty good, almost completely clean. Couple bad thoughts wandering in, but I kicked them out pretty fast.

    I wish the day back from break wasn't already busy, but such is the life of a student. If only I could sleep more. Alas, I still have to finish some more things before I can call it a day.
     
  6. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 68. Today's been a real roller coaster. No real problems on the sexual side of things, probably could've tightened up my vigilance of my Internet use but otherwise everything was good.

    On the emotional side of things...today's been a lot. I don't want to get too much into it, but basically my phone is miraculously still working, had to figure out annoying social media, and some Internet friends turned out to be rather unsavory. I'm still trying to process everything.
     
  7. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 69. Today was okay. Some bad Internet searching. Some fantasies. Some unexpected sexual images. But nothing super bad.

    I'm finding that more and more curse words are floating into my thoughts, which I don't like. I want to keep my language clean. I don't know why, maybe the influence of others. Anyway, can't spend too much time writing this. Still have stuff to do. Ugh.
     
  8. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 70. Today was mostly clean, except for some lustful thoughts. That's the terrible thing about PMO, you see people as sexual objects, even when it's completely inappropriate.

    Less work today, but still busy busy. Can't wait for winter break.
     
  9. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 71. Oops. Forgot to update yesterday. Yesterday was a little rougher, some unwise Internet searching that began leading to porn, which started some lustful thoughts too. Not yet a relapse, but too close.
     
  10. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 72. Relapsed again today. Building up urges, deceiving myself into thinking my self-control is stronger than it is, told myself a little bit of looking at pictures of naked people won't matter...and then relapse. It's just frustrating. Seems like I just can't break this.
     
  11. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 73. Some sexual thoughts, but nothing worse than that. Trying to live as completely pure as I can. Not even fantasies allowed. Today was pretty tiring. A lot to do.
     
  12. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 74. Today was kinda rough. Sexual thoughts floating into my head, and pretty bad Internet searches. The kind that leads to relapse. Ugh. Gotta clean my mind.

    In better news, Tumblr decided to remove all sexual content from its website. I don't have a Tumblr account, but it has been a notoriously dangerous stumbling block for me in the past when I go where I shouldn't go. This will definitely help me a lot.
     
    MusicMan123 likes this.
  13. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 75. Today was better. Still a little bit of dirty thoughts and a tiny bit of ill-advised Internet searches, but better.

    I also didn't have as much work today, so I might actually be able to get enough sleep, which is nice.
     
  14. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 76. Some fantasies last night. I'm finding the toughest place to hold off sexual thoughts is in bed. Sometimes I can't fall asleep, and my mind begins to wander, and I almost always fantasized right before falling asleep in the past...bad combination. But the day was almost completely clean, which was good.

    Not too much stress and work today either.
     
  15. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 77. Today was overall pretty good. Managed to resist fantasies last night. Minor bad Internet searches, but nothing super sexual. Pretty clean day.

    Had the most free time today in a long time, so got to relax and write a little, which was really nice.
     
  16. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 78. Today was pretty good as well. Some physical discomfort and a little bit of desire to PMO, but nothing worse than that.
     
  17. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 79. Relapsed today. Again, convincing myself that my self-control is better than it is. I feel like I'm settling into a routine of week of no PMO and then relapse, then another week then another relapse. It's better than it used to be, but still frustrating.
     
  18. daggubatidaggu

    daggubatidaggu New Fapstronaut

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    Don't lose hope man. Everything will settle down. You are an inspiration to me. Keep going.
     
  19. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Thanks, that means a lot.
     
  20. jenthleth

    jenthleth Fapstronaut

    Day 80. Today was better. Too busy for sexual thoughts. I'm reminded that Jesus has washed away all of our past, present, and future sin. We are no longer slaves to sin. We have the freedom to choose the right path.
     

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