Urges after 200 days

Hello,

I'm writing here because I'm having a tough week. Recovery from addiction isn't a straight and narrow path towards sobriety. It's more like a labyrinth. Like high tide and low tide, there will be times where it is easy to stay sober, and there will be times where urges seem to plague every moment of the day.

I've been free for over 200 days, and I still experience urges to watch porn. I think one of the toughest lessons I've had to learn since starting my NoFap journey is that recovery does not equal abstinence. You can abstain from pornography until the cows come home, but you have to remember that you developed this addiction for a reason. Your addiction rests upon some deeper issue in your life, and until you address that issue for what it is, you're still going to have a bumpy ride.

For me, porn addiction was a cycle of shame. I felt ashamed about who I was in my teenage years, and porn seemed to comfort those feelings. However, I quickly started to realize that I was ashamed of watching porn as well. It became like Ouroboros, the snake who eats his own tail. I felt ashamed, so I would watch porn, which led to more feelings of shame.

The main reason I bring up the cycle of shame is that, even though I have been pretty successful in abstaining from pornography, I haven't yet broken the shame cycle. I still feel ashamed of who I am. Indeed, I feel ashamed of who I am for all the porn I've watched, but I also feel ashamed of who I am for other reasons. I feel ashamed of my job, I feel ashamed of the hobbies I'm interested in, of the way I look, and of the way that I carry myself in conversations. I know I'm being hard on myself here, but that's just what it feels like.

Having understood that I feel that way, the urges I have been experiencing to go back to porn make a lot more sense. Porn was how I coped with these feelings in the past, and it would never turn me down. It's really challenging to face these feelings for what they are, which is exactly what I have to do now that porn isn't an option.

I don't have any big conclusion or anything. I'm really just rambling here, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read what I've written and reflect.

Best,
Ridley

 

That literally means the same thing as "recovery does not equal abstinence". I didn't mean to imply anything in particular by the order in which I presented the two concepts.

I completely agree with you. This is what I was getting at when I mentioned that my addiction rests on a deeper issue in my life, and that I wasn't going to be able to heal until I addressed that deeper issue directly. I would say that admitting my problem and finding help to overcome it is addressing it directly, so I think we're really saying the same thing here.

This is really helpful to hear. Deep down inside, I know it's true, but it still helps to be reminded that I'm the one who feels ashamed, and that the shame isn't some external force being imposed onto my life. I'm the one who is ashamed, and I'm also the one who can stop feeling ashamed.

This is all really good advice, and I think it's something I've actually been doing lately (especially since I started NoFap). My problem is that, when I'm caught up in the intense feelings of shame and self-deprecation, I don't give myself enough credit for the amazing things that I do. I do volunteer work as a math tutor for kids, I express myself creatively through music and writing and share that work with other people, I'm a really great programmer and I've made some pretty awesome shit in my free time, I'm a really supportive person and I'm great with listening to people and comforting them, and there are lots of other things I do that I'm genuinely proud of.

See, when I'm honest with myself, I am genuinely proud of who I am. However, when I'm caught up in the shame cycle, I don't give myself any credit for it. When I'm feeling ashamed about myself, I tell myself things like "anybody could tutor kids in math" or "your music isn't unique or creative enough, it sounds just like everything else out there" or "you're only supportive of other people because you want to help yourself". When I'm feeling ashamed of myself, nothing feels like it's good enough.

I work really hard to be the best version of myself, but these feelings of shame and self-deprecation are so fundamental to my being that it sometimes feels like I will never truly be satisfied with who I am.

Having written this out, I think I realize what I need to do. First of all, I need to accept the feelings for what they are, as you've described. I have to accept them without indulging them. Create a healthy distance between myself and the intrusive, shameful thoughts floating around in my head. I recognize that I am much more than that, and that these thoughts are not who I really am.

Secondly, I need to look within, and find out where these feelings of shame are coming from. I need to ask myself "what's my evidence or reason for feeling ashamed?", and ask if there is any evidence against those feelings (I think I've touched on some of those above). I need to ask whether my shame is based on concrete experiences in my life, or based on habit. I need to ask in what way the feelings of shame and those self-critical thoughts of never being good enough are leaving some information out. I need to question the extreme language of my shameful thoughts ("never" be good enough, for example). I need to ask in what way are my shameful thoughts only focused on just one piece of the whole story.

None of these things are easy to do, but I think if they were then this forum wouldn't exist. Some of the most worthwhile things in life are the most difficult to achieve, and I believe that the freedom and tranquility of recovery from an addiction is one of the most worthwhile things I can do.

Thanks so much for your response. It's helped me more than you know.

 

This is also really good advice! I'm a pretty active chess player, and I've always had a similar strategy for improving my game. When I first started learning, I would try to make it five moves into every game without making any mistakes. Then, when I was good at that, I moved on to 6 moves, then 7, etc. I can't just focus on winning every game, or I'll just end up overwhelmed and frustrated. I just need to focus on one thing at a time, and things will get better.

 

You'll get there, too. Just take things one day at a time. Also, remember that your counter is not a reflection of how far along you are in recovery. Everyone recovers in a different way, and at a different pace. 60 days in recovery is no small accomplishment either.

Hard to say whether or not that's what attracts us to porn (at a subconscious level or otherwise). I'm not aware of any studies that focus on the psychological / behavioral / philosophical reasons we watch porn (only the chemical or neurological reasons). Porn was never really about control for me, but rather about escape. Initially, porn was, for me, a place where I could be completely vulnerable without fear of being judged, mocked, or abused. For a short time in my early teen years, it was the only way I knew I could really be myself. Later on in life, things changed, but I had become so dependent on porn at that point that I couldn't let go.

 

That's very zen. I appreciate the advice, and I agree with everything you said. Sometimes it's easy for me to forget all of that, but meditation certainly helps. Combining this with @NF4L 's advice of taking things one at a time, I think I'm going to commit to meditating every day this week. If I can manage to do that, I think I'll feel much more grounded in reality, more relaxed, and more aware. It will give me a background for the rest of the things in my life to take place in.

 

Thanks for the tip. I appreciate it!