Urgent! My relationship is in great danger

Just give the honest answer, which is that your brain was automatically and subconsciously assessing the visual appeal of the thumbnail images. What worries you about giving an answer is not there is none, but rather that you know that you chose the videos with the women you found most attractive, in an automattic, genetically programmed way. The fact that this process uses parts of your brain that work automatically and because of millenia of natural and sexual selection does not totally absolve you of guilt though. Your conscious mind took the output of this automatic process and chose to click (albeit within the trance-like state of a PMO session).

What may be important to emphasise with your partner is that you were not assessing the total worth of these women-how could you when P reduces them to a collection of anatomical parts and a tool for male gratification? These choices were made on aesthetics alone. No woman can expect to be considered the most, objectively, physically attractive woman on the planet. What makes your partner superior to these women are all of the things that make her the woman you chose to be with. It is also important to make it very clear that you consider your partner very attractive, certainly adequately so.

Also important to communicate will be the fact that in using P you are not seeking a replacement for her, but rather that you were selfishly, misguidedly seeking out supplementary sexual gratification for yourself. Perhaps this was out of laziness, avoidance of possible rejection, boredom, simply reverting to a habit with a longer history than your relationship with her. You will know the reasons, share them with her.

Do not let the fear of the consequences of being honest (that yes, of course you chose the more attractive depictions of women to M to) drive you to lie to your partner. This will have the greater consequence.

 

She is having some really bad self esteem issues.

What people like her can´t and will never understand is that porn is the heroin of the internet age.
Why did you watch porn when you were with her? Because you did it for 7 fucking years before her. And watching 20 videos a year is only a small fraction of what the other guys here (including me) watched last year.
Watching porn has nothing to do with compensating for things you don´t have.

So you are saying you have no answers to these questions, you have no way of convincing her and she is pressuring you into making up those answers.
The only thing you can do is fucking stand up for youself!!
It is not your fault that she thinks that you don´t find her attractive!

 

My SO knew I was leaving.
He threw himself on the ground at my feet and promised me a answer in the morning.
He came back with - "I'm a porn addict"
I said "fix it"
Because at the time I didn't even want to know what that meant.
Later he divulged a ton of information.
I know things about brain conditioning and fetishes and how even tho I'll never look like Her or Her it's not because he doesn't love Me.
I know about the Coolidge Effects on the brain and novelty and his whole porn history.
He's doing a long-term reboot (customized)
It's full of things not just for him, but for our relationship.
He's committed and I see progress everyday.

This is important.
PA is a selfish disease.
It's a addiction.
Noninclusive.
She couldn't be there if she wanted to be.
And there wasn't a way to compete.
Watch the Great Porn Experiment TED Talk.
Together.
(Personally, if you weren't addicted, you wouldn't have lied.)

Be honest.
She's right to say "I don't know" isnt a answer.
Right now, shes committed to you. (regardless of the first lie- guessing its the first lie ever)
If you show your honest, I think she is going to stay.
In my opinion.
I know, at least for me.... When I say something like that, it's a chance to be upfront.
If you lie to me then, you lose what you have with me moving forward.
I hope you can make it right.
I wish you the best of luck.

 

@Oedipus,

My two cents worth: show her this link you posted, and the answers especially @Jolie. I think her seeing how bad this problem is and another female viewpoint will help tremendously. Just be honest, sincere and humble, and hopefully you get a support at a young age, rather than later when you have completely screwed your life up.

 

Hey, I can relate to her.
It's emotional trauma she is expecting right now. She didn't choose it by herself. I'm sure she entered relationships as happy, playful, joyful girl who could not get enough of you and you could tell that even looking at her eyes.
She did not choose to feel what she is feeling right now.
Basically it's questions which emotionally suffering person ask their SO.
She is questioning herself: if she has this body parts or these hair color would it be enough for you not to step out? Is she would go into that wild position/act, would it be enough for you to stay sober from porn?
Why she was not enough for you.
Actually every single woman on Earth (trust me, I'm literally on the opposite side of Earth right now) would ask herself same questions: wasn't I enough? Why he did it if I was there? Am I not good enough? Is that was he really wanted?
SO would see that as an act of dissatisfaction with THEM. That something is wrong with THEM.
It's constant "why?!" and it's painful.
I'm sure it wasn't it your mind: oh, I'll PMO because my GF is not good enough for me. I'm sure she wasn't even in your mind when you were doing that.
But it is what it is.

I wish you guys all the best and hope you'll beat the habit and find the way to re-establish trust and love in your relationships. Comfort her, try to understand why she is asking that questions.
She doesn't want to know every single detail actually, what she does want is to find the way to build again her damaged self-esteem.

 

Well actually it is not HER fault.
If he would stand up for himself and won't try to solve the issue not his GF actually brought up to their life, he has really high chance to lose the GF, seems like the one who he really care about and love. And that could be another story how PMO ruined relationships.

 

My GF knows about my addiction, and believe me it´s way worse than his.
She knows very well that I find her attractive and that I don´t choose these women behind the screen over her.

Oedipus knows his feelings for his girlfriend best, and I believe him when he says he finds his girlfriend very attractive and that he loves her.
But when his GF has low self esteem, it´s like talking to a fucking wall.

I´ve had that in the beginning of my relationship, too.
No matter how often I told her that she looks absolutely gorgeous, she would not believe me, telling herself she was fat, etc... You can not imagine how frustrating that was. Gladly these things have changed. (And no she did not know about my porn problem back then).

The problem with these questions is, that there are no right answers! Everything you say is wrong! I`ve set strong boundaries in my relationship concerning my girlfriend asking me those questions, and she knows that by now. And I reccomend anyone else to do this, too.

 

@Properitas.

This is a perfect example I can use for the soon to be posted "Winners versus Whiners" article I will soon place on NoFap. If the person you loved intensely found an alternative for sex to you, I am fairly convinced your self esteem would take a hit. But then again, I have to resort to the old adage about arrogance of youth.... Also, maybe refer to the rules of this forum regarding disparaging comments about the SO of porn addicts...

 

that!

 

You have figured me out. I am a whiner. When my girlfriend told me the other day that she masturbated, because she was horny, I was devastated, sitting in the corner whining all day long...
Why did she choose herself over ME? Doesn´t she know that I can make her cum way better than she does?

Btw did you ever ask yourself why it´s called self esteem and not others esteem?

 

Because you were choosing her... For how long??
Did she know before you told her?
Are you satisfying her now?
Are you communicating now?
Being honest?

I say all this because once, I was the SO who used M to try to get my guys attention.
If you won't quit, I'll take care of myself.
It's a slippery slope into hell.
Luckily, our path changed course.
I hope you have good communication and things are improving with your Reboot daily.
Honesty really is key.

 

Troll alert, lol

 

I'm a SO who will add a few things. First the answer that she is seeking you will never be able to give her to most of the questions . I do recommend that you answer the ones you can and hide nothing else no matter how painful. You can answer how often you looked the last time you looked and what kind of porn you looked at. Please do not say I don't know you do know you just don't want to tell her. These are questions with tangible answers. The answer to why is the tough one. We as non addicts are looking for a logical answer from you but your addiction does not speak from logic. Because you can't explain it we assume and make up our own explanation which logic tells us is because we are not pretty enough or don't satisfy you. Many addicts do answer I don't know and they really don't know! Logically they have a beautiful partner who wants sex with them and is hurt by them watching porn why am I still doing it? The answer is I'm an addict and this is an addiction it has nothing to do with sex or your level of attractiveness. An addiction does not act logically. Let her read some info on here it will help explain and know that even as I am typing this to you and I know logically that it's an addiction there is still part of me that thinks it is my fault and is because I'm fat or whatever the case may be. I am 39 years old. 18 year old me would have been absolutely crushed. See most women get higher self esteem as we age. So even if we looked our best physically at 18 we feel our best at 35 or 40. We've come to accept who we are for what it is and are okay with it. Most 18 year old women have very low self esteem and the prettier they are the lower it is. An 18 year old me would also have a harder time understanding and accepting what you are going through,
The thing about having moments of anger that's normal I do it too. The thing about not using porn at first or cutting down also normal in a new relationship but eventually you return as the newness wears off and you experience relationship stress.
What can you do to ward off the anger. Be 100% open and honest about everything in your life. Show her you love her do nice things compliment her. Tell her daily without her asking that you have not used porn.
Ultimately I am happy you found NoFap so young you have your whole life ahead of you and you can fix this now and have a normal functioning porn free sex life. But it may not be with your current partner. You have to be okay with and accept that she may not be able to or want to move past this. Sometimes we just can't. The lying is the worst and she may never be able to trust you again. All you can do is try your best to get her to forgive you. But if she does not you will be okay and you will move on. When SOs are not attached and are young they may not be willing or able to put the time into working on your recovery with you. This is a very hard long road for us and some may not be willing to take it. You should understand and respect that decision if she makes it and not let it discourage your recovery . You have to recover for you or it is unlikely to work. You can't do it just for her rather because you see the harm it does to you. One last thing I hear the pain and feel it coming through in your words. I know it can seem like it will never get better but it does and it will. I've been there most of us on here have time and time again. Heartbreak blows and when you are younger it blows even more because if it's your first heartbreak you have no idea that you will recover and that it will feel better. Sending hugs to you !

 

All of that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

I'd quote it but then I couldn't write both these posts on how GREAT it is.
*clapping* @GG2002

 

@GG2002 I 100% agree with everything you said. I'm a PA and my SO was devastated when she confronted me about my addiction. It's been almost 2 years and the trust has only been repaired very slightly. Honesty and communication is what needs to be worked on the most.