Update

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Hannah II, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    So it has been two weeks since I MO'd the last time. I'm thankful that I broke this cycle. Watching stuff on the internet hasn't been an issue at all - in fact, I just went to the hairdresser, and they had some TV screens there with silly video clips running. There was also some sexual content, but I was only disgusted by it. Of course this strong desire for physical touch remains, and I'm still tempted to indulge in fantasies. I know I really need to be vigilant. Today, I took the day off from work because of a public transport strike. So if I really wanted to act out, I would have all the time I need; but thankfully I have lots of things to keep myself busy with!
     
  2. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    Well done Hannah. Keep it up.
     
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  3. Robbiebob

    Robbiebob Fapstronaut

    This is great!!!, & love what you have to say & your honesty.... You are a inspiration... Again fantastic news...
     
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  4. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Today, I woke up very early. Like yesterday night, I felt tempted again to MO, but I didn't give in. Yesterday, I watched this very interesting presentation by Dr. Neil Nedley on "sexuality and mental health", where he pointed out that masturbation is what gives you the strongest dopamine kick; and he also reminded me of the fact how different it is to have marital relations, as it significantly rises the amount of prolactin and oxytocin. Indeed, with MO I would get the "kick", but the feeling wouldn't last very long.

    So I got up more than an hour earlier than usual. Currently, I'm reading through the book of Proverbs again. I found it a nice addition to my daily devotions, especially as you have one chapter for each day of the month. Today is the 13th, so I read chapter 13. Verse 12 stood out to me today:

    "Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

    Sigh. But I don't need to feel "sick" because of this unfulfilled desire. If I was married, I had other challenges. I guess one of the hardest things in life is to be content with whatever situation you are facing right now. If I can't be happily single, I will probably never be happily married. So today I will go on with life, trusting that the Lord won't withhold any good thing from me!
     
  5. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    So it's the beginning of a new week and I'm enjoying the nice weather. It's also the beginning of my monthly cycle, and although this is associated with some pain, I'm thankful for it, as my cravings for MO are zero at this point. Of course it won't last, but I'm really motivated to take the 90 days challenge. I got to watch the second part of this presentation by Dr. Nedley on sexuality and mental health. He shared some testimonies of males and females who went through this challenge, and how it affected them positively. And I really liked his statement:

    "You will never get enough of what you don't need; because what you don't need will never satisfy you." How true this is for MO!

    So today, I'm planning to enjoy some of the legitimate pleasures of life: eating a nutritious and tasty meal, playing the piano, taking a nice walk in the sunshine, talking to a friend, etc. Of course it would be great if I could soon be in a relationship leading to marriage, but God's timing is not always ours.

    "I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that ye stir not up nor awake my love, until he please" (Songs of Solomon 8:4)
     
  6. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    The past few days have been a bit difficult for me. Firstly, I've been dealing with discouragement - about some situations at work and at home that I'm not sure how to deal with. But I'm better now, learning to accept the things that I can't change and also how to deal with the things that I actually can change.

    Secondly, these past few days I've been dealing with sexual cravings again. But once more I've been experiencing that I can make a deliberate choice not to go down that road again. Yes, these old, outworn neuropathways are still there, but I don't need to revive them. Of course, if I resist the urge I'm tempted to worry: "What if I never get married? If I can't get sex within this context, MO would be the only way to get at least some kind of pleasure after all..." But then I realize that this is just stupid thinking, as there is never real satisfaction if I lay hands on myself!

    Anyway, I ran a 5K this morning. It still feels good. I'm thankful that there are other ways to get this dopamine kick. No urges right now. Thank you Lord!
     
  7. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    well done - keep it up :)
     
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  8. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    So after almost a month of not having MO'd, I have to reset my counter again.

    Last night (although feeling sleepy) I had difficulties falling asleep. At first, I rejected the thought of MOing in order to calm down. But then I started edging - and the rest is history. The thing is that it didn't even help me to fall asleep more quickly, and of course it didn't take care of my strong desire to be touched. I'm feeling sad and upset about myself this morning, but I will move on and continue to fight. I have actually asked myself what's worse: MOing without fantasizing (as I did last night), or fantasizing without MOing (as I have done many times in the past)?

    As usual, I spent some time in prayer and reading the bible this morning. Normally, I start by saying a special prayer to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I pray it in my own language, but in English it goes like this:

    Father in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus our Savior. You
    said: Give me your heart. (Prov. 23:26) I want to do that now by submitting myself to you today with everything I am and have.
    Thank you that you have already answered this prayer according to Your
    will, because Your word says that if we pray according to Your will
    we know that we have already received it (1 John 5:15). And you also
    said that you would by no means cast anyone out who comes to you (John 6:37).
    Jesus said: “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts
    to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the
    Holy Spirit to those who ask Him.” (Luke 11:13)
    You further said that you would give the Holy Ghost to those, who believe in you (John 7:38-39), who obey you (Acts 5:32), who let themselves be renewed with the Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18) and who walk in the Spirit (Gal. 5:16). This is my desire. Please accomplish this in me. For
    this reason I sincerely ask you Father to give me the Holy Ghost today.
    Since it is a request according to Your will, I thank You that have given
    me the Holy Ghost now (1 John 5:15). Thank You that I have received
    Your divine love at the same time, because Your word says:
    “The love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit.”
    (Rom. 5:5; Eph. 3:17) I want to say with the psalmist: “I will love You,
    O Lord, my strength.” (Psalm 18:1) Thank you that I can love my fellow
    human beings with Your love. Thank You that through the Holy Ghost the power of sin has been
    broken in me (Rom. 8:13, Gal. 5:16). Please save and protect me today
    from sin and from the world, give me protection from the fallen angels, save me from temptations and when necessary snatch me and save me from my old corrupt nature. (1. John 5:18)

    And please help me to be Your witness in word and deed (Acts 1:8).
    I praise You and thank You for hearing my prayer. Amen.

    This prayer spoke especially to me today. I thank the Lord that He is my strength and my shield - and also that He is my Maker and my Husband (Isaiah 54:5)!
     
  9. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    I've been quite emotional this morning. Long story. I MO'd again a few times after my last post, and I'm ashamed for that. The last time was Saturday morning, however I decided to reset my counter even today, as I indulged in another titillating fantasy this morning. When I fantasize these days, it's usually about the young man that I really like and who hasn't made up his mind yet whether he is interested in a closer relationship with me (or with any other woman for that matter). I just got convicted that I need to be stricter with my counter, as my fantasies are the root of all evil after all. If I didn't think about sex all the time, I wouldn't end up laying hands on my
    self eventually! Will share more later.
     
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  10. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    Fantasizing is something that will never stop. it is part of the evolutionary drive to procreate--hence the reason why fantasy alone can cause the dopamine to start dripping w/o any physical contact. Trick is to stop fantasizing when you start (hard I know!) b/c naturally it leads to other things.

    Relaspe happens to all of us. Very few of us with streaks or still going haven't had it happen at least once (or multiple times). And of course there is the "chaser effect"'after a Relaspe which can cause us to binge or MO many more times.

    Keep pushing. You're trying and you won't be perfect.
     
  11. Evig Faith

    Evig Faith Fapstronaut

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    I believe in you. We all do. It sucks having a few relapsed in a row, but it's not the end of the world! Just dust yourself off and keep going. :)
     
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  12. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Evig Faith for your encouragement! And Demon Semen, I appreciate your input, however I do not believe in evolution, but I do believe that we can become perfect. Jesus Christ gave us the example. He never sinned in his life, although he came down on earth in the fallen human nature of man, which was deprived over approx. 6000 years.
     
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  13. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Guys and Gals, this is a TRIGGER WARNING! So if you have any issues, please don't continue to read, ok???

    Ok, I almost fell again today in terms of MO - in spite of my physical exhaustion. One of the triggers was this site about Karezza sex that I looked at again after a long time. There, people describe their experiences with this way of making love, and this tends to arouse me a bit. Then I felt like going to my bed and to simulate an orgasm - just for therapeutic purposes. But I felt cold, so I stripped off and took a nice long hot shower. Then I felt like crawling into my bed, and so I started simulating (faking orgasm so to speak) while caressing myself. I didn't feel anything down there though, because of the exhaustion (have had only 2-3 hours of sleep per night these past few days). But then I realized that I was getting wet. Ok, now it had become "dangerous" for me. So I decided to talk to the Lord about my desires. And it passed! I got up, got dressed, and was able to continue my preparations for the Sabbath. I'm so thankful for that. Thankful that I cannot shock God with sex - He has invented it, after all!

    Nevertheless, I did reset my counter; mainly because I've fantasized and I've entered this Karezza site - which I should really only look at again when I'm married!
     
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  14. Kenneth john

    Kenneth john Fapstronaut

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    Ms Hannah,after reading ur journal,what I understood is that ur physical exhaustion and thinking about marriage is leading you to satisfy your self....
    God did created u in his own image,when some is rejecting you,there are rejecting the image of God in you.... And more over temporary late/rejection is not a permanent denial... I struggled alot with these fantasies,but God brought me out of that... After reading ur journal I come to an understanding that u have a sound scriptural knowledge,I wish I could encourage you,but I'm not perfect in some areas..

    Long back when I was reading ezekiel,this book spoke to me alot,especially 15-18 chapters...
    18th chapter spoke to me so powerfully,zGod brought me out of fantasies...Hope these chapters could help you...

    A friend of mine challenged me with these words,which encouraged me to take this PMO challenge...
    U might be praying,fasting,mediataingWord,asking for holy spirit or may be filled with holy spirit but again going back to the same old..ur thinking that ur under the sovereign will of God but not,ur crucifying him daily...
    He said,"If u truly love GOD,then hate PMO"...
    Pls look luke-9:23... These words challenged me alot..
    Intial days are very hard,but u did very stupendous in the past as I came across ur journal... Hope u will have an amazing week ahead,by counting every single day...

    Hava good day...

    PEACE
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2017
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  15. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    Today, I feel impressed to reset my counter, because I just fantasized again about having passionate sex. These past few days, I occasionally fantasized as well, but I thought it was still ok, as I didn't dwell too much on it. But I think I need to be more strict with myself. Thoughts turn easily into actions after all, and if I ever have a boyfriend, how shall I control myself if I can't even control my thoughts?

    Today is also day 4 of my monthly cycle, which means my "island of refuge", i. e. those few days of the month when you cannot tempt me with MO, is passing. I'm still hoping for a relationship to come into fruition, but these old bachelors are not easily entreated. Prayers appreciated!
     
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  16. CLAW59

    CLAW59 Fapstronaut

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    Your standards are high. That is good. I'm not there. If I reset based on my thoughts I would be re-setting 20 times a day. I wish you much success.
     
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  17. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    I have to be that strict with myself Claw. It took me a long time to realize that I don't only need to give up MO, but also Fantasizing. When I was in my early 30s, I managed to not MO for 2 1/2 years, however I did not give up F. And after this long period of falling and catching myself again and be sober (be it for 6 months, or even for 18 months), I feel the need as never before to really kill this at the root. Already as a child, I had fantasies. Of course at that time, I didn't dream about having sex, but I would rather fantasize about "playing doctor", which we really liked to do as children. Only when I became a teenager, these fantasies changed. Of course I really look forward to that time when I can fantasize about having sex with my husband, because in my view this is the only legitimate outlet.
     
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  18. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    So I'm home now and I'm debating whether I should reset my counter. I had a great day at work, with some really blessed encounters. Quite frequently, some sexual thoughts popped into my mind, but as I didn't really indulge in them, so I think that was still ok. However, I went to the sauna this evening - and I was all by myself in there. At first, I had no urges to lay hands on myself, but later in the rest area (where I was also alone), I started to act out a bit (I'm not going into details - no worries!). I realized that this could have spiraled down quickly, so I decided to get dressed without delay. Again, it's quite sobering to realize how suddenly my feelings can change and how quickly I can change my mood from not wanting any stimulation into almost craving it. I guess that would be nice for my future husband, but in my current situation, it's kind of annoying and even scary to me...
     
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  19. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    I haven't posted in a while. The good news is that I haven't slipped back into MO for almost 50 days. The not so good news is that I have been struggling with discouragement and negative thoughts, which has taken a lot of my energy lately. There are some situations (like at work and at home) I don't really know how to deal with and I'm praying for God's guidance. Right now, I'm visiting family over the holidays. This is usually a particular challenge, as they all believe differently than I do, and they also have a different lifestyle. It has been difficult for me to relate to them, but they are family after all and I'm sure God wants me to be with them every now and then. The fact that I don't have any prospects for a life partner sucks very much right now. Although I'm aware that marriage might be at least as challenging as singleness, I have a hard time coping right now. It's just so embarrassing that I'm still alone. But in all this, I'm learning to trust God and to work with Him through all these struggles. I was just playing the piano, and one of my favorites is "If You But Trust in God to Guide You". I especially like the third stanza:

    In patient trust await His leisure
    In cheerful hope, with heart content
    To take whate’er your Father’s pleasure
    And all discerning love have sent;
    Doubt not your inmost wants are known
    To Him who chose you for His own.
     
  20. Kenneth john

    Kenneth john Fapstronaut

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    So good to hear from u,that ur staying strong...
    Praise d lord
     
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