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UPDATE: Dont know what to do

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by premetenci, Jan 26, 2017.

  1. premetenci

    premetenci New Fapstronaut

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    (Me - male, 19, athletic, healthy)

    Ok, so, basically, my story starts in around the time of july when I started dating this girl, nothing special in the begginning. I really liked her, we dated every week, first kiss was in the middle of september, and thats when we started to be gf/bf. I did really like her, didnt want to rush her to sex (I am a virgin, so I really wanted it, but I didnt know whats going to happen), so our first attempt was in the middle of november, It was after a party (I have not drank), at around 4am.. the thing that happenned was as you can think, I could not get it up.. I tried, but I just couldnt, really embarrassing as you can imagine, considering I never really thought this could happen to me. We brushed it off like ok, Im just too tired I guess and we went to sleep. The next attempt was 2-3 weeks later, same story.. I could get it up like 50-70%, but not more, and she is a virgin as well, so pretty tight, I just couldnt get it in, not hard enough.. we brushed that off aswell, no reason, just as "ok guess were not ready", she didnt really seemed bothered, told her its not her its me, that I just feel nervous I guess..

    The thing is, Im 19 atm, and started PMO at around the age of 12ish. Never really fapped more than once a week, didnt really have time and space for that. When I turned 15, I left home because of sport I was playing, and where I lived, I had my own appartment, so yeah, could basically jerk off anytime I wanted.. never really more than 3 times a week tho, never thought of it as a problem.. On the other side, I thought of it as "getting to know what to do" so that when I finally meet someone that I would want to have sex with, I would really be able to please her.. When I knew a girl I was attracted to phisically only, but I knew she was, lets say, stupid, I would rather go home later on and jerk off than to approach her, since I recognized my cravings to have sex with her just because she looked sexy, but Im not that kind of a guy that would sleep with someone just because she looks good, think of me as a freak or whatever you want, but no, I dont do that..

    Back to the problem.. after our second attempt to have sex, a failed one, I really started to think something is wrong with me, and its probably not just performance anxiety.. So I looked up a couple of websites, and I found out that yes, my excessive porn usage and lack of real relationships beforehand could in fact be a reason of me ED, as we call it..

    My first attempt was about a week long, relapsed.. then it was 21 days, relapsed, but I relapsed to a picture of my gf in her bikkini, which I would have never been able to do before, so I thought of it as a good sign, so yeah, I relapsed. Then I kind of went to fapping once a week, but not as much as before, still seeing my gf once a week as well, because I wasnt able to more, because of the sport I do, and didnt try to have sex since.

    The thing is, I really did have erections when making out with her/watching movies with her and she was laying on me, or just cuddling, but as I said when it came to sex, I could not get it hard enough to penetrate.

    My question: I left the country where I live on the 14th of december, still being with my gf because we fucking love each other, but Im not going to see her until probably April/May. I started nofap again on on the 4th of january, so now its 23 days, I really start to feel getting better with my empathy to others, enjoyment in other things in life (this is the thing that motivates me the most) and so on, and want to go nofap until I come back home again and see her (i want to tell her about it around the mark of 60-70 days).. but, do I really have porn-induced ED, or was my unability to get it hard jsut because of me being nervous about it? and second question is: will I be able to heal during this period without the rewiring thing? because I am really not willing to start dating other girls in here just because I want to rewire, and then when I come back home I know I will be able to get it up. I want to go throught all this with my GF only

    thank you all for answers and support :)

    UPDATE: So, yesterday I used the topic that we were talking about with my gf (watching movies when I come back/cuddling) and told that to be honest we might need to be a little bit patient about our next tries to have sex. I told her that our last try left me frustrated and I was thinking about it from a long time, and was searching on internet for possible reasons, and told her that either if its just me being nervous, or that actually me being alone for 18 years of my life left the whole intimacy thing for myself, we might need to be patient when our next try comes, since it's not what my body is used to. I told her i stopped PMO for a month now and will continue to do so. She was very supportive, even questioned if it's healthy to stop fapping, and she thinks that it's just me being nervous. Anyways, she told me she will be here for me everytime, and that she's thankful for me telling her and will be here with me all along. She said we are in no hurry and our next tries dont need to be called tries, because she thinks it just makes me nervous more. She said that when it will happen it will.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2017
    DonGiovanni likes this.
  2. You should continue reading about this addiction. Yes, it is from PMO. You may get excited leading up to sex, but the sex itself is not what you have programmed your brain to react to. Quit all porn, don't fantasize, don't look at pics (even your gfs pics). The rewiring is about relearning what natural arousal is, not fake things that you engage in by yourself. You mentioned you don't want to rewire with other women, and you aren't supposed to. The only time someone should rewire with a partner during NoFap is when they are in a relationship with that person. Random sex would still be feeding into your addiction. You can rewire your brain without having sex. Definitely wait until you see your girl and tell her what was going on, and what you have been doing since to fix this problem. Hopefully you continue in your reboot and she will know you have been dedicated to fixing this and will be supportive when she can see/feel the difference. This addiction is not worth losing someone you love. It can be a very lonely addiction, especially when the addict doesn't get real about their issues. Good luck
     
    Jen@8675309 likes this.
  3. h215

    h215 Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro,

    When I first tried to have sex with my gf ( at the age of 16) I couldn't penetrate as well (I usually lost the erection when trying to put the condom).

    I was indeed addicted to porn and as soon as I realized this, I went almost 2 months without P or M.

    After 4 weeks of not P or M by myself I was able to have sex with her.

    I do think you are having the same problem as I had. And don't worry about rewiring your brain to the real thing, it will come naturally as soon as you give P a break.

    Well it has been a long time ago (now I'm 22) and from there to today I reduced my P usage drastically. Maybe nowadays 1 a month or less.

    With this frequency I have no problem at all regarding having sex with my gf. But I realized already that in case I come back to my daily usage of P my libido with her reduces drastically.

    All you gotta do is quit P and M for a while bro.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. premetenci

    premetenci New Fapstronaut

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    Thank both of you for reply and support..

    Yeah, I think it might be the same problem for me aswell, since both me and my gf want me to use a condom, since we dont want her to go take birth control pills. So yeah, forgot to mention in my post that yes, condom may have been an issue added to my addiction..

    Well, Ill tell her about it when the time comes. I really do think and hope she will understand, since shes no sex freak and she really was ok with us only making out/cuddling after the second attemp.

    Thank you for your quick replies again, will let you guys know of any updates :)
     
    h215 likes this.
  5. Mauro

    Mauro Fapstronaut

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    Hi premetenci,

    Just keep going with NoFap. There is a chance that in the process you'll experience the effect of flatlining. Since you are away for such a long time, I'd say just put that time in good use, to rewire yourself and practice your sport to reduce the effects of the flatline. Moreover, your mood swings won't affect your relation with your girlfriend.

    When you go back to your gf in April/May, you'll probably be around the 90 days mark. I am pretty sure that by then, your body will react accordingly at the sight and by the proximity of your girlfriend.

    I wish that when I had your age I would have had this site, because back then (18 years ago) I already knew that PMO'ing was part of my problem that's quite similar of yours. But unfortunately, I didn't have the will and the resources to go through it.

    Just stay strong and focused.

    Mauro.
     

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