Unsure

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Wheretogofromhere, Dec 13, 2018.

  1. Wheretogofromhere

    Wheretogofromhere Fapstronaut

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    I’m not even sure where to begin. This is the closest group that I can relate to and am thankful I came across it.

    I’m not 100% sure my husband is addicted to porn or whatever he may be doing. I have A LOT of gut instincts telling me something isn’t right. I’m not proud of myself the way I’ve found out but I did and now I have an idea of what might be happening.

    Basically, I caught my husband visiting parks in our city where men can meet other men for sexual encounters. He lied about where he was or said he was going. I confronted him and of course he denied everything. Then why lie about where you are??

    Sometimes he takes his iPad to work with him. This isn’t used for his job at all. Then I notice data charges under his phone number on OUR phone bill. He’s a very sexual person and I don’t really think he’s gay... perhaps a little bi curious but maybe he’s into voyeruism and exhibitionism.

    I now know that I cannot confront him without hard facts and proof that he’s up to something but my intuition is telling me he is.
     
  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    That definitely seems fishy!! Wow. I would be concerned too. If a lot of his time is unaccounted for you could put some gps trackers on his car. Or see if he’s open to a gps app on his phone to reassure you. Might be an interesting test. Does anything seem “off” within your relationship?
     
  3. Wheretogofromhere

    Wheretogofromhere Fapstronaut

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    Hi Vixen, the relationship doesn’t really seem off now. We’ve had our issues in the past but have worked to solve them. I’m just not sure if it was a bandaid. The gps is how I found out. Only by accident. When confronted about the areas, the gps was turned off, which is a bit concerning in itself. What do you have to hide?
     
  4. Wheretogofromhere

    Wheretogofromhere Fapstronaut

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    Hi Vixen, the relationship doesn’t really seem off now. We’ve had our issues in the past but have worked to solve them. I’m just not sure if it was a bandaid. The gps is how I found out. Only by accident. When confronted about the areas, the gps was turned off, which is a bit concerning in itself. What do you have to hide?
     
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I want to affirm this as your guide.
    Be kind, trusting and protective of yourself.

    My wife and I use Life360 app to know each other’s whereabouts for various reasons mostly to be there for each other when needed.

    If he’s acting out sexually with others
    there are STDs consider.

    Keep reading here and
    join the SO group and keep posting.
    They have SO much to offer you.

    Lying is the enabler of addiction,
    So both those are
    present in addiction(s).

    Go with your instinct as hypothesis
    Wear your white doctors coat of detachment
    as you begin to observe the symptoms of
    his possible disease.

    Be kind to yourself and if he gets angry as you ‘gently’ probe, it’s likely you found the parts that hurt.

    Self care and support is
    what you righteously seek
    as you cleverly find your way through.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2018
    de severn, NF4L, Tannhauser and 2 others like this.
  6. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    There is no beginning. It always starts in the middle somewhere with a forensic analysis of where it all began and Boundaries & Consequences to solidify where it is going to end.
    I always tell those of you who have been betrayed to always trust your "gut instincts", your "women's intuition", your "sixth sense" or whatever you wish to call it. It is usually almost always right. One thing that doesn't make sense, you could contribute it to a coincidence. But collect half a dozen or so, it starts to paint a picture you can put the pieces of the puzzle together.
    Probably because parks and rest stops are known places for meet up places for this type of sexual behavior. Being married to you, I assure you, he isn't the least bit interested in disclosing this information to you because it embarks on a depth of embarrassment, guilt, and shame unlike any other he could possibly experience. He fears that if you discover his sexual liaisons with other men will destroy his marriage, his family, and his life.
    This I wouldn't put too much stock in.
    This I would.
    Generally speaking, I wouldn't put this past him. He probably isn't gay, but bisexual, I wouldn't dismiss it.
    This is a civil matter between you and him in a relationship. It doesn't require "beyond a reasonable doubt". It only requires a preponderance of the evidence.

    So here's what you do:
    1. Set Boundaries & Consequences. If you want/need help with that, let me know.
    2. Make a list and check it twice (timely for Christmas no doubt) of all the things in your relationship that make you go "hmmm"? Because if you compile enough of those, individually doesn't mean too much. However, like I said, collectively, it paints a really good pictures of what's going on.
    3. This isn't an option. Just do it. Go to your OB/GYN, and explain the situation. Have a battery of tests done (i.e. HIV, RPR, etc. the Doctor will know what to do). You need to do this in so long as you were, are, and continue to remain sexual with him. It is better to err on the side of caution than it is to fall pray to the disease. Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. If he is doing things, and I'm not saying it isn't possible that he is not, but it is highly probable, there is no telling what kind of nasty disgusting disease he is bring to your bed. Personally, until I had a handle on just exactly what is going on, I would abstain from sex altogether.
    4. You're here. He's not. He is the one that needs attention, and not from you. He has to own it. Otherwise, any effort on his part is patronization of you on your part. I assure you he will make every attempt to manipulate you.
    5. Go find and read "The Betrayal Bond" by Dr. Patrick Carnes.
    That is enough to get you started my lady. Don't sit idly by and allow your Partner to use and abuse you.
     
    Tannhauser, Atomicflea and Jennica like this.

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