Understanding my Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catch22, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    The brain is always searching for something that’s going to feel good.

    I’m the worst kind of addict because I’m not the worst kind.

    I have so many different avenues for getting myself off. Getting my little dopamine hits. Chewing tobacco, porn, sex, sarcasm, immersing myself in work and money, driving reckless, Juuling, drinking, playing video games, eating healthy, self motivation, prowling social media looking at sexy girls, certain thought forms.

    Where a junky has to abstain from one form of substance, my brain is always looking and finding something to deepen the portfolio. Everything in life just seems mundane.

    I don’t want to make new goals to be happy because I’m unhappy. I just want to be happy. Why is it such work?

    I’m assuming porn giving me all these problems. Been watching all my life and it’s been bad in more ways than one. Currently 15 days in no PMO. I’ve done this multiple times up to 50 days and say screw it because nothing is relevant or matters and I’m in control of my destiny.

    The apathy is real. But I’m struggling so differently now it’s feeling like life or death.

    Just ranting honestly

    My brain is needing serious rewiring but society and me have set me up where I can’t stop and start getting the serious help I’m feeling i need.

    Anyone aware of diets or supplements to revert or induce proper brain chemistry while I continue along this path?
     
  2. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Sugar, food, coffee, mindless TV. Also comforts. Where can you go? Things just seem so fucking miserable lmao

    I’m feeling like I need something truly and deeply spiritual to change what’s happening in my life. Not something that masquerading as something spiritual, something TRULY spiritual.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
  3. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    I might as well keep this blog going.

    Today was interesting.

    I ended up posting that long ass rant a couple of days ago, not realizing how long it’s been since last exposing myself to PMO.

    I started having a little grace and respect for my travels. Today is day 17, tomorrow is 18. I don’t even want to get caught up counting but it’s a part of the novelty.

    Anyhow! Grace!

    I’ve been masterbating my entire life pretty much and feeling miserable in between for various reasons.

    PMO has always been a source of feeling better. When stressed, when feeling miserable, when bored. It’s always filling some void.

    So my grace comes from understanding how long it’s going to take because of how long I’ve been conditioning myself.

    One might say it’s too daunting to think about the impending eternity with our without something.
    To them I would say the pain of change out weighs the pain of staying the same, but still that doesn’t make things any less miserable.

    I also get so caught up in the miserable things I feel (I use that word a lot, it’s too precise).

    I’m trying to reminding myself
    I’m rewiring my entire life practically.

    Hate to admit it, but romance, children and even just social interactions are huge parts of human existence (as much as I would like to live remote on a mountain).

    Alls i know is that I’m tired of feeling miserable. Tired of wanting to kill myself. Tired of wanting to do something ridiculous to get an adrenaline rush. Tired of having mood swings. Tired of feeling miserable when it comes to talking to girls. Tired of being chain linked to my past.

    Plan sick of just not feeling like things are going well for me or are under my control, atleast for the level they could and should be.

    AS OF RIGHT NOW,
    I am having no urges towards PMO. But I’m still feeling the same pulling towards “relieving myself.” How ever that makes sense. The strong intense feelings that arise looking for release and I’m being trigger by the most obscure of things.

    Certain sounds. Certain smells. They way things will look, the way things feel, will arouse me. I’m fighting every single moment of the day to rewire.

    My metaphorical dick is in my metaphorical hands. I’m seeming like a helpless observer, I know. But I feel like a guy of the street incharge of conducting brain surgery. Or an plane director at a busy airport.

    I’m sending all these planes in different directions hoping things won’t collide let along go correctly.

    I’m hoping to find space inbetween all the things happening in my life.

    I’m hoping quitting PMO will lengthen that space.

    I’m assuming it will. My need for PMO came from struggling to feel the things i was feeling, causing me to lose self control, indulging in things that “felt good” in a time of not feeling so good.

    It’s also conditioned me to want things easier in life, which isn’t something so terrible but having a lack of patience in an every-so-quickly-moving society where things still take time is an emotional death trap.

    It takes hard work to make something amazing. And that takes time, skill, practice, failing.

    It’s great I’m realizing all this, but I’m also not exempt from struggling.

    My inner child is throwing temper tantrums.

    Anyhow, today was interesting like I said in the beginning lmao.

    I was triggered to feel some miserable things inside myself with certain music/lyric combinations and being in an uncomfortable spot at the time. I just stayed strong and kept focused and things passed eventually. I just hope I passed that test and did the right thing.

    I want this healing more than anything, sick and tired of feeling the way I do. I’m on the verge of crying myself to sleep every day.
     
    bloomz likes this.
  4. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Something amazing I also realized today was I have been doing this thing for a long time, the NoFap that is.

    I’ve been on and off quitting for years. That’s incredibly relevant to my whole journey where as I keep saying to myself I’m starting over completely.
     
    bloomz likes this.
  5. bloomz

    bloomz Fapstronaut

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    I’m creating new goals myself to find happiness. Regarding your first post. Do you not feel that’s a good way to go? Good luck!’ Good job !’
     
    Catch22 likes this.
  6. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Always be setting goals for yourself, I’m just guessing mine are getting too superficial. My internal mans needing copious amounts of help(spiritual man, the mind, spirit, soul/what have you)

    All those things are really important like your own place, money, more meditation, relationships. They all bring certain feelings.

    I’m just realizing I need to start doing things differently for more long term happiness and I get upset that I have actually STRIVE to be happy vs feeling happy of what’s going around me regardless.

    I’m searching for bliss, it’s most likely my expectations causing all my issues
     
    bloomz likes this.
  7. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Today is 21 days.

    They say that’s how long it takes to make or break a habit.

    Ironically I almost had sex last night with an amazing/sexy/ kind beautiful girl.

    I’m realizing I’ve been fantasizing a lot about it though so it’s hurting me almost today.

    But I’m grateful for pushing through all that I did and making myself comfortable. My sprye is coming back to me slowly but surely.

    I had her laughing from the get, she was just going to let me go and I asked for her number then we settled on meeting out right then for a drink(I don’t like drinking honesty anymore).

    I was feeling I would have sex with her though, we were having some amazing sexual chemistry just looking directly into each other’s eyes, smiling

    I was feeling so sexual charged. We ended up going back to her place and she kept telling me we wouldn’t have sex, I couldn’t come upstairs but eventually she gets naked and we start doing some things and I end up staying until like 4am.

    I have trouble sleeping at someone else’s places though and i got some horrible nervous bowel movements.

    Overall a victory. Part of me is Kicking and shaming myself because I decided upon not pursuing her sexually that night but that’s the part of me thats just interested in nutting honestly.

    This shits so confusing. I’m wondering what a healthy sex life is going to look and feel like.

    Or even crazier having a serious relationship again.

    Oh well, not out of the woods yet but feeling some serious love for myself today
     
  8. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    So I ended up seeing that girl last night and we kissed.

    I’m super feeling this girl, so much so that my fantasizing has gone out of control such is the aftermath of PMO.

    I haven’t stopped thinking about all kinds of things all day and yesterday.

    Erotic things, happy things, miserable things.

    It’s flipped my entire internal world upside down. I almost quit my job today I was feeling so miserable thinking to myself.

    I’m just going along and my thoughts are flowing like a background program the whole time and I don’t start noticing until it’s too late.

    Last night I spent some time googling and found an amazing article.

    https://www.yourcourageouslife.com/just-want-to-quit-everything/

    I sat last night and just let things roll mentally and stopped focusing on all i was feeling about it. Things were uncomfortable at first but I ended up exhausting myself into a strong sleep.

    Speaking of which I’m thinking sleeping is key towards this healing process.

    This morning I woke up though and realized almost instantly my thoughts we taking strong hold over my brain, health and well being. This has been going on every single day.

    Well anyhow my minds been running amuck about this amazingly beautiful girl and all things we could be and all the things that could go terribly wrong and I’ve been connecting myself emotionally to all of it.

    I finally have just started letting go, I’m not changing myself to fit into what’s going on with somebody else. PMO has already conpartmentalized me, I’m not interested in doing it to myself any further.

    I’m cool AF. End of story. And everything’s going to be bliss.
     
  9. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Today I ended things with this girl.

    I can’t tell I’m going to have to push to be In her life, she’s already got some dudes competing for her attention.

    I’m so alpha, but my healing journey is super important.

    I’m kinda grateful things ended honestly. But let me just say my confidence has been amazing lately.

    It’s working honestly. End of 23 days and I can honestly say it’s working.

    It’s seems like this journeys been going on for eternity. All 23 days.

    Which makes me feel amazing looking at this being a life long thing.

    You mean to tell me I’m going to keep improving and feeling better about myself for the REST OF MY LIFE if I just give up PMO and handle things healthily!? Sign me the hell up.

    I’m with this. My mind is feeling great, it’s not easy, but I’m noticing little bits.

    Just a reminder that nerves repair at a millimeter a day rate.

    This shit going to take awhile but like I said prior, pain to change or pain to stay the same, our choice!
     
  10. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Got stupid drunk last night and probably ended up telling everyone about NoFap lmao
     
  11. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Also it’s day 25. Last night i had a blast drunk, which isn’t normal. I’m also not super miserable after the hang over but I drank a gallon of water before going to sleep. I’m
    Coming back to reality, this is weird lmfao.
     
  12. Catch22

    Catch22 Fapstronaut

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    Alright I’m having a miserable day today and it’s starting to onset on something real.

    I’m going to keep typing so I can think myself through what’s making me so miserable.

    I feel like shooting myself. Drinking is disgusting honestly. It’s really not something I should be doing but I do it in the name of enjoying myself but I’m feeling miserable right now.

    My minds going all over the place in response to how whacky and miserable things feel inside my body.

    Like I said I feel like shooting myself.

    I’m annoying the shit out of me today. I’m annoyed by the decisions i perpetually make.

    I’m tired of feeling this miserable.

    Why do such good thinga That feel incredible now end up wreaking so much havoc later?

    It’s like falling in life then losing it lmao.

    Sheesh, I know I’m saying things in fragments, just trying to purge some things I’m feeling.

    I’m doing my best towards having grace for myself. Usually when I’m feeling this miserable I jerk off and sit around enjoying the new bliss of not feeling so horrible. I can hang on the new slightly better feeling of pumping out a pleasant load.

    Today I cannot do that, so like i said, having grace for myself is key.

    I have to realize that chemically things are off balance (fucked) in the reward circuitry of my brain.

    That’s why I’m feeling so miserable today. Regular/main functions feel like super tedious chores because of how I’m feeling internally.

    I’m just continually reminding myself it’s going to be alright.

    I quit a lot of crutches, it’s natural for my mind, body and soul to freak out upon losing the very things I was using to keep things under control.

    Even though it was artificial, things felt numb. So now I’m experience all of it head on with no crutch.

    No porn, no more alcohol, no more jerking off, no more smoking juuls/using tobacco to cope with the things I’m feeling.

    Christ almighty, what a day of building some solid character this should be.
     

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