Underlying causes and ideas

I feel like I knew that the problem here was not pmo by itself. But underlying coping mechanisms with stress and self doubt. I realised this when I was numbing myself by watching series, and films and youtube a lot after going off pmo. There was this feeling of giving up. Letting time rot oneself into oblivion. I feel its inevitable that when one talks about any addiction, that other factors in life needs to be addressed. In my case, its unemployment, and spending unstructured time by myself.

The Loop
The loop is familiar, because you feel drained off energy and positive will power, you tend to procrastinate, and when you procrastinate, you will end up not planning or doing activities with intention. When you don't have activities you will start feeling lonely and end up with less energy.

Relying on external
One way the loop breaks is external influences. A friend might make a plan and drag you out. Your partner will give you love and you will feel better. But there is no guarantee that you will have these things, and that's when you end up with this desperate expectation that something will come your way. When it doesn't you feel rejected and insecure. This expectation is a problem Where does it come from for me ? I do not know as yet. Perhaps my parents were always there to help me out, perhaps having a much older brother might have been a factor. Need to look into the accountability partner possibility here.

Setting intentions by really talking to onself.
Journaling is definitely a way in which you are able to talk to yourself in a good way. Just talking to oneself in your mind is fleeting. I have been trying to record my voice, because I do have a different way of thinking when speaking as opposed to writing. But it feels awkward, and I was not sure if I would end up listening to myself, so that didn't go well as yet.

The ritual
We are a collection of nervous energy. Accumulated nervous energy is one of the main factors that cause distress. It shows up in your mind and body in different ways. Getting into a structured process requires a lot of control of nervous energy, and you are controlling it using nervous energy, that's one of the main challenges. By giving agency to a ritual or instruction that you had written or found, things get a bit easier, because you are just following instructions.

The check moment - Structured

1. Every time you feel that weariness or distraction close your eyes and take a deep breath. Pay attention to the healing quality of the air that you are breathing in deeply. Let it travel through your lungs and into your body.
2. Scan your body with your attention. Feel the pain and the discomfort in your body. Let it be as is for a few seconds.
3. Now take a deep breath, and make a low pitched hum sounds. Feel the vibration of your inner masculine low pitched voice. Let it travel in your upper body.
4. Now jump up from your chair and stand up. Do a couple of jumps.
5. Sit down observe the shift in energies and attention.
6. Make a goal for the next 15mins. Start the task.

I also want to mention a more unstructured ritual that might be of help, that work with the same underlying causes.

Shaking it off.
The other possibility is kind of shaking things off. Like a dog shaking water off its body. Its easier to do because it doesn't require control. You are literally shaking off the energy and the mind loop out of your system. You could do it by shaking your head around a bit, and resetting your mind, or by shaking your whole body, like how you would when cooling down after a work out.

Small victories
When you are feeling down, one of the easy way to spiral back up, is by completing a small task. This way you get that little momentum, which helps you get to the next tier of activity that needs your attention. Without these intermediate victories you might not have enough confidence to sit through a larger challenge. I sometimes, listen to what kind of play I need at the moment. By play I don't mean leisure, entertaining or consumption but something I could create and have fun while at it. Sometimes, it is writing, or a doing a doodle, or cleaning up my room/a small part of the house etc.

Calling people over the phone
This is something I need to get better at. I feel like instead of chatting with someone online, calling someone over the phone just for a few minutes, of attentive conversation helps a lot. There is no guarantee that you will be able to get through to that one person you called. Especially when you are feeling a bit low about yourself you might not feel like talking to others. But you will never know what happens after you get through that initial phase, hey just called to say hi. To be honest, I have been facing fears with this particular solution, because I tend to feel rejected pretty easily. So tread carefully.

 

Thanks for your reply. Glad to share things I have learnt.

 

Anxiety
So how did I get addicted to porn? I remember when I was in high school instead of fapping just out of curiosity and pleasure, there were times, I would get sucked into it, waste a lot of time, and basically end up not finishing work. My guilt was not just from fapping but from having wasted time and opportunity to good at school. I would get really anxious and panic, but would also really want to fap. I thought it was just sexual frustration, because my school was conservative and it was not easy to spend anytime with the girls. Now, I realize these were all self-created limitations.

In my adult life, I started noticing that when I get nervous, when there is a deadline approaching fast, I panic and freeze most of the time, and end up fapping as a result, thinking it will help me get out of it. I thought it was just healthy stress busting. Again I thought it was sexual frustration because I was in a long distance relationship.

Under pressure, or with drastic changes in life, I started experiencing more and more of freeze states and loneliness. For some reason pmo was the go to escape. Whenever I tried not pmo, it was video binging or procrastination or smoking(tobacco and sometimes pot). Again I couldn't see the problem very clearly. I thought it was just difficult phases in life, and when friends and family is away, these are the ways you cope with it. This was also a self-created limitation.

I was(am) a pmo addict because of anxiety issues. This realization opened up a deep insight!
Pmo, video binging, procrastination basically not dealing with tasks and challenges ahead while becoming more anxious is a sign of dissociation, which is a likely symptom of trauma.

A combination of nature, nurture and choices led me to this place. I realised there are some deep traumas that I have to work through to get through the layers to address, my pmo, procrastination, scatter brain, lack of focus issues.

I urge you to observe the layers behind your pmo urges and addictions. You will probably realise it's not just the material that you are addicted to, but some kind of artificial soothing it does to your underlying pains and anxieties.

This resource has been extremely helpful to learn more about anxiety and different ways I can bring my awareness to it and let it dissipate.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...acilitates-guts-wits-and-grace-under-pressure

Most of the time, anxiety issues are imprinted into your nervous configurations from some form of trauma. There are ways to renegotiate your trauma, and cope with anxiety. I have also been reading about Trauma and will try to articulate my understanding around it in the next post. If you feel that anxiety is one of the main triggers, do say hi and let's try to understand it further.

Currently reading
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma
Book by Peter A. Levine

If anyone is reading or interested it let's discuss.

 

Hello everyone! Thanks for all the likes and support. I was away for long been super busy. Proud to be close to the 40 day mark.

Associative space time object patterns
Unfortunately we have a rather strange relationship with our computers. You will notice that one of the triggers of PMO is just sitting in front of the computer/laptop alone in a specific room and time. This tool and gateway to the internet, which is supposedly neutral has created a different association in our minds/bodies/nervous system. When you are aware of this, you will be able to let it pass.

 

Lack of structured time
When you haven't made plans and think that you will use some free time well, but don't define anything about how you should use that time.

Disappointment
When you are feeling a bit sad especially from an emotional side.

Throwing money at things
There is that strange nature in us, where we are like somtimes when you make money you want to burn it on silly things. Porn especially token based webcam chat exploits that well.

 

Thanks appreciate the encouragement. Yes I have noticed that we are losing agency on how to use time well. I say you commit to some class or outdoor activity you really like, and go for it a few times, and then you will see its easier to not get sucked into the internet for passive consumption.