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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by B3unbroken, Jan 22, 2019.
Thanks friend! And you!
I had such a busy day. Even though I work from home some days are very long. I didn’t leave my computer until 8:30p tonight. I could’ve kept going too. I’m also looking at a very busy weekend ahead of me. The hubs is leaving early in the morning, not returning til Monday but still did so much for me today. I get upset with the I.A. stuff but I can also praise the hell out of him too....
Today I’m thankful because:
- He got up early (let me sleep) and took kid2 to school bc he missed the bus
- When I go home from the gym, he made & had breakfast (eggs, bacon, potatoes) & coffee waiting for me
- He initiated our “coffee time” IA exercises
- He made us lunch
- He picked up kid3 from daycare
- He drove kid1 to work
- He took my car and filled the tank
- He picked up dinner & fed the kids
- He pryed me away from my computer at 8:30p
- He cuddled on the couch with me until I had to pick up kid1 from work at 10p
- He also kept me company in the office while I was working all day/night
...And he did all of that expecting nothing in return. He’s also not feeling good and had to go to bed early.
He carried most of the load today for me and I’ll hold the fort down for the weekend. We usually divide and conquer. I appreciate this in a way I could never express. I never had any help in the past and everything always landed on my shoulders. I carried a heavy burden and didn’t need to. I would over compensate and never ask for help. I was the epitome of codependency. He’s helped me be okay with not being needed and it’s okay to accept and even ask for help.
Tomorrow kid2 has soccer practice, a game and a bday party, kid1 has work, kid3 has soccer, I’m doing a photoshoot and having friends for dinner. I also need to clean and do dishes somewhere in there since I got nothing done today. Thankfully I have awesome friends that offered to cover kid2 for the soccer stuff.
I. AM. BLESSED.
Okay I just deleted my ENTIRE original post because it was going somewhere I don't want to go. I was feeling a bit bothered but I need to back up and remember that I don't need to dance to that music!
Long story short, I asked what my husband thoughts of the photos from my shoot yesterday and I felt more criticism then support I guess. He didn't like that my guy friend had his shirt off in a few of the pictures (with his wife) and that's the only thing he commented on. No "nice shots" or they "came out good". Just "Oh wow ok then".
So I'm just reiterating to myself that I do NOT need his approval. Sure his encouragement, support, etc would be nice. It would be nice to feel like my husband was a fan, believed in me and is maybe proud of me BUT I don't need that and his opinion does not define who I am or my happiness.
I am happy with how they turned out and that's all that matters. The family who's shoot it was loved them. Husbands coworker even thought they were "beautiful". I'm encouraged just by knowing I'm blessing people with nice photos that they aren't paying a fortune for. I'm grateful for the practice. Photography bring me joy.
When I spoke to him later he was more encouraging (then the text) about my love of photography. He did say "see that's your thing" because I've said for years that I wish I was as passionate about any one thing like he is passionate about his "career". He truly LOVES what he does and I wholeheartedly encourage him, support him, root and cheer him on. Because at the end of the day, we are on the SAME TEAM.
We gentle say that to each other when we recognize we might not be behaving as such. It is so easy to fight the person your with, nit pick, criticize, get bothered, not see eye to eye and focus on the negative but at the end of the day, if your married, your supposed to be on the same team. Fighting together will get you so much further then fighting each other.
Busy hectic week as usual.
I managed to get back on track or refocused with some of my goals...even if it was a rough start in week. I ended strong!
Heath: On day 2 my 2d detox. I needed it after how much I’ve been slacking on my food choices since the holidays. Low carb here I come..Italy is waiting! Made it to the gym 3.5x this week. My goal is 4-5, I’ve been slacking with 2-3x/wk for the last few months.
Staying Tidy: Bed made everyday. Dishes done everyday but failed at “no dishes” left in sink before bed. I didn’t do a load of laundry everyday but I’m not behind at all. I got 3 loads not counting today or tomorrow and the teens and hubs do their own.
Time management: I’ve had such a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Is it this hard for anyone else? I’m embarrassed to say since I’ve worked from home I don’t get out of bed until after 8a when I used to commute and start work at 8 and even 7a. So Friday I ended with a solid 7a wake up. Today was 8:30ish but hey it’s a Saturday!
Prayer and quiet time: I wish I could say I’m good at doing this daily but I’d be lying. I believe I got 2-3 days. I need to up my game bc I can tell the difference all around in my attitude, mood, anxiety...just everything! It brings a lot of peace!
P.s. this should have been at the top of my list.
Im sure there is a ton more I’m forgetting but this will do for now...
It’s been harder for me to get out of bed lately. Winter makes me want to hibernate I think.
YES!! I definitely like to hibernate in the winter. I don’t like being out in the cold either! But this is like I could continue sleeping all day long if I could.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” proverbs 27:17
This verse came to mind today during our “coffee time” when my hubs expressed that he wanted to go to different mtgs bc he felt he needed more Christian influence in his recovery. He asked my opinion and feelings about that hence the verse above.
We also had a guest speaker tonight at my CoSA mtg. They were a sex addict. Interestingly, partners and addicts are very similar. I’ve always told my husband I could relate because I questioned myself whether I was an addict. I scored as a possible Love and relationship addict but not necessarily a sex addict. One of the points mentioned was the law of attraction. Positive attracts positive, negative...negative. Broken attracts broken. That’s why its so important to get your mindset into a positive, hopeful one. Fill yourself with Gods truths because you are worth it!
Addicts and partners usually both have feelings of unworthiness. But that’s not truth. There is only ONE you on this earth and you are so special! You are worthy!
I heard another interesting tidbit tonight....
Steps 1 - 3 are about getting to know God, Steps 4 - 7 are about getting to know yourself, and Steps 8 - 12 are about others. God, yourself, then others.
Another reminder that when your relationship is aligned vertically (between you and God) then relationships horizontally (between you and others) are more harmonious. It’s easier to give love, grace and forgiveness when it’s being funneled into you.
Yes yes yes yes yes and Amen
Not a fan. I don’t like cold. I’ve been trying to fight off whatever sickness I have before it’s full fledged. Today has been like double the work for me. Kids had no school which is really not fun when you work from home .
Got up early bc I had an appt. Grab some groceries, filled kid2 prescription, made a PT appt, work, shower, kid3 doc appt, work, meeting. I’d still like to pray and get to the gym. Oh yeah and make soup for dinner. And do the dishes left in the sink...
Never ending...but here I am...on NF journaling instead of executing..
Hubs is leaves in the morning. Back Thursday night and leaves again Friday afternoon til Sun. Although all the running around will be on me, I’m kind of looking forward to the “me” time.
Unfortunately I usually stay up too late but I feel like I get more done when he’s not home. It’s weird bc he does help me tremendously but I don’t sit down and watch tv when he isn’t home. I only watch it with him that leaves me time to do other things with that time. (Not always productive, but sometimes).
I def plan on doing another 2d detox since I Carbed right back up after the last. NOT good! I feel fluffy and I don’t like it.
I’ve got 6wks til we leave and I am determined to look good for vacation!
Self-care is something many codependents struggle with. Feelings of shame or guilt around doing something for yourself. You might even sacrifice your own basic needs due to feelings that something else is more important than your own self-care. Putting yourself, your needs, wants, dreams and desires aside. This is self neglect. You don't feel that you are worthy, so you neglect you. You are your a victim of yourself.
Once I learned the art of and started practicing healthy self-care, I fell in love!! There is no going back now. But I do get lazy with somethings. I need to love on me with self care. Its not selfish, its being replenished. Pouring love into yourself so you can pour it into others.
I've really stepped up my game this week and decided to stop putting off things I shouldn't any longer. I'm not getting younger. Things hurt longer, might be questionable, can't refill my contacts anymore without updated scripts, etc.
- Monday I got a deep tissue bc I was seriously hurting.
- Yesterday I went to dermatologist for first time. I have a small cyst I was concerned about but its not a big deal.
- Today I got my nails done. I tried saving a little money last month by doing them by myself. Verdict: my time equals money and what takes the salon an hr to do, takes me several hours (and doesn't look nearly as nice).
- Tomorrow I'm going to Physical Therapy for the first time.
- Monday Eye Doc
- Thursday Mammogram (eek). That's the the one I'm scared of....ouchie.
It's crazy how I used to feel guilty about doing anything for myself. I never would have gotten a massage. I couldn't justify paying money for something that wasn't tangible. I would only get my nails done for special occasions. I'd hardly ever buy myself clothes or shoes. Or get my hair done regularly. I'd just get a box and do it myself (not that there is anything wrong with that), but it's okay to do things for yourself that make you feel good, obviously within reason (and budget). And you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You deserve it! Don't let anyone (including yourself) make you feel otherwise!
Was there supposed to be something after this that got lost in formatting?
@Seren your comment didn’t come through.
It’s a Hallmark holiday. It’s also my parents Anniversary (mom and stepdad) so it’s not something I’m super big on. Don’t need fancy big gifts like jewelry or anything. But a card or chocolate or something is nice.
When my husband was working at his last job he used to stop at this chocolate factory and get the kids something and me a box of chocolates and a card. I love chocolate even though it’s dangerous bc I can’t just have one. I have like 5 at a time . A time hop came up yesterday that showed my husband making a salmon dinner for me (which he only does on special occasions like my birthday).
He asked the other day what I wanted to do this year. We agreed that we would do a lunch date or something since I didn’t want the crowds from the holiday and he’d be away for the weekend. It ended up he had to work instead and didn’t get home until after 7. So he brought dinner home instead. It was last minute, but I still decided to grab him a card and a chocolate bar and new pillow since we both needed one.
I have to say I was a little disappointed though. I know he had a long day and brought home dinner. But a card or something sweet would have been nice. Something to show a little effort on his part. He apologized for not getting me anything but it’s only because he didn’t expect me to do anything and I did so it made him feel bad.
He’s usually so much better at this. He out does me often. I guess that’s why it’s slightly disappointing. But chin up. I can outdo him ever once in a while I guess. Plus he’s really good about doing these things randomly just because and not out of obligation.
It’s a little after 6:30a and I’m feeling triggered. Part of it is def my fault.
I haven’t exactly done the behavior circle exercise with inner circle behaviors and all that, but I’d have to admit that I was acting out myself yesterday.
I haven’t been on point this week. I didn’t even get one day of quiet prayer time. I hate saying that but it’s true. When I’m centered in Christ and my priorities are in line everything else pretty much follows suit. So it would only make sense that I lose my peace when I’m not aligned vertically.
I contacted neighbor, which I shouldn’t. Not that it’s completely bad but it’s attention seeking on my part. Luckily nothing came of that. Then I drank a few glasses of wine and stayed up on the phone with a friend and ignored my husbands call. When I finally called him back 20mins later he was at the bar w coworkers “celebrating”. It’s was almost 2a so that didn’t make me very happy but I didn’t say anything. He said he’d call before bed which he did but I was already asleep, it was almost 3a at that point.
Before I went to bed I texted him about a Vegas trip my friend is trying to have me go on. I was debating on not going because We have a big trip in a few weeks, (possibly two trips) so finding coverage for the kids is a bit tight. But after his “celebration”, it made me think yes I am going to go. Is it spiteful? Partially I guess. My feeling is that he can take off for those days and be the coverage. If he can let lose and have so much fun on his “work” trip away from home and make it into a vacation why should I feel bad about going on a girls trip to Vegas w my friend!? So I can be out “celebrating” and he can understand what’s it’s like to sit home and wonder what I’m doing til 3a.
So him being out til 3a “celebrating” with his coworkers has me triggered, to say the least. I’m angry. I don’t want to angry. I don’t like thinking irrationally bc I’m triggered and going down the rabbit hole. I don’t want to be the controlling wife and I don’t want that behavior turned back on me either. He’s an adult. I’m not his mother.
I may be bothered more because he has been slacking lately. He decided to stop going to the meetings he’s been going to. He has plans to attend a different one but work interfered and he didn’t end up going yet (so no mtg in weeks). He started seeing a new therapist but he’s only been to him once, again work schedule interference. He did reach out to someone, which actually impressed the hell out of me, but again he hasn’t been able to meet up with him yet bc of his schedule. So with all of that I am seeing the irresponsibility on his part. His carelessness. His IA waking up.
I can see this two different ways.
1. He’s a grown man and it’s up to him what time he decides to stay out and behave. I don’t want to be told what I can and cannot do either. I’m not his mother and don’t want that dynamic.
2. As a married man away from home for work, not vacation, I don’t feel he should be out drinking w coworkers til 3a. That’s being of the world which is something we try not be. “In it but not if it.” I don’t necessarily feel it’s behaving like a married man.
So I have conflicting feelings. But either way I’m triggered. I’m trying to process through the trigger and decide how to handle it. Decide if he broke a boundary, which I think it sort of is because drinking excessively when away is one of them. Staying out drinking til 3a is probably excessive. Even if he didn’t start until 1a. I can’t control what he does but I think a fair consequence is that it’s his responsibility to handle kids stuff while I go away with my friend. If he needs to find coverage that’s on him. I usually assume the responsibility of making sure everyone is set. His turn.
I think "don't ever do anything out of spite" ever. If you have other reasons, fair game. But not out of spite.
I also think if this was a boundary, then enforce the consequence for said boundary. Just do it.
Take your trip to Vegas. Try to stay out of trouble. Vegas, like New Orleans, is quite the adult playground. Don't allow your triggered animosity cause you to make a stupid ass decision. Just because he makes stupid ass decisions doesn't mean you should reciprocate with some of your own.
If he is staying out drinking til 3a, or whatever, this is a total lack of "mindfulness" on his part. It is "mindlessness". He's not using what I'd consider or call "best judgment", and can easily slip into dangerous zones from middle circle behaviors on into inner circle behaviors.
This is a trigger. He needs to be made abundantly clear that this is a trigger. Hell, write the word "TRIGGER" on a 2x4, and beat him over the damned head with it. He should know this is a damned trigger for you. This, you're not happy about. Make it known in no uncertain terms.
I love your strength and resolve. The addict is the most difficult adversary you'll ever face.
Thank you. I agree. I think irrationally and spitefully when I’m triggered but when I comes down to it I’m not that kind of person. I can’t be spiteful. I can care a little less though. His lack of “mindfulness” makes me care less.
The trip was something we talked about I was looking at flights yesterday before he left. It wasn’t random but he mentioned kid coverage and how we are already asking a lot from our family in the nxt few weeks. He’s right so I was considering just not going because of that, but his mindlessness on top of already lack of vday effort pushed my decision the other way. He can take off the days I’ll be away and be the coverage, just like I’m always the coverage for him. He might fight me on it but then he can figure it out because I feel that is the natural consequence for him. I usually figure it all out for him between my family, his and some friends.
No, I'd say HE is "...already asking a lot from our family..." because if it weren't for his shenanigans, asking anything of "our" family would be very limited because he wouldn't have time to PMO because, you guessed it, he is spending all of his available time with you and the kiddos. But whatever excuse du jour.
Now that's just what I call a "natural consequence", LOL! Fitting, don't you think? I concur! Let's do it! LOL!
Funny. I just wrote that exact phrase before I read yours. OMG, what a coincidence!
Well, maybe this "man-child" of yours could do a little adulting for a change. But you're definitely on the right course.
Talked to him this morning and let him know I was triggered last night/this morning. He asked why and I explained. Said he didn’t think I’d be bothered since they weren’t out “partying”, just hanging in the lobby watching tv and talking drinking their one drink each. Well I didn’t have the full picture last night because he didn’t communicate it to me. All I knew was he was having drinks til 3a and my anxiety paints it’s own picture. He asked what he could have done to help me not feel triggered then realized the obvious answer. I appreciated that. And I definitely feel better than I did earlier. He didn’t get defensive at all which is a good sign.
Still booked my flight though. And told him he could take off for two days with the kiddos. I need this girls trip and so does she. Vegas here I come
Thank God it’s Sunday...
So glad it’s the end of the week. I have been so ready to be done this week. It’s been exhausting.
Today was particularly fun. Especially the part where the toddler locked my bedroom door and shut it. Did I mention we don’t have a key? Oh yeah and that I had a curling iron on!?! Hubs is still away. The teens were both out.
...I eventually got in...not fun though...
In regard to my recovery, I was triggered the other night but didn’t stay there long. Keep myself busy with painting kid3 room this weekend. So he’s been sleeping in my room since hubs has been away anyway. (Hence locking my door). Meet a fellow group member before group tonight. That was good. Group was good as always. It was definitely a nice way to end the week.
I think I only made it to the gym 1x this past week. Not good. Haven’t really stayed low carb. Need another jumpstart.
I did manage to get up early pretty much all week. A little insomnia kept me up even more.
Bed got made everyday except today.
In the process of catching up w laundry.
Prayer and quiet time only once this week.
I’m hoping to get a decent amount done tomorrow. It’s the start of a new week.
- Early bed/wake up
- prayer and meditation daily
- daily tidying
- low carb/jumpstart
- gym 3-4x
- 2nd chapter of workbook