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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by B3unbroken, Jan 22, 2019.
Hi again and absolutely agree with all of that!
Thank you friend! I missed you all too much to stay away for good
Glad to have you back.
Nice avatar btw
Thank you ☺️ truth!
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God...
I know when I do this , everything works out SO much better in my life. Because my God is for me not against me.
“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?” - Romans 8:31
I was having a bad couple of days when it came to my marriage. IA sucks! I did lose some sleep over it & I obsessed about how angry I was that hubs was behaving like that. And that I had no resolution or empathy, there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t MAKE him see my point of view. He HAD to figure it out for himself. Don’t get me wrong I did give into some temptation by texting him that he should probably do a daily inventory of when he does recovery work, his feelings, mood and us. And a quote I read “An intimacy anorexic intentionally causes pain in the relationship to keep their spouse at a distance to avoid sex and intimacy.” He would normally take these as poking him and close himself off to me even more...
And I prayed. I prayed that we continue to turn to God. Have a fire for him and a desire to make our marriage healthy, with Jesus at the center. I prayed that my husband would grown into the husband and father that God intends him to be. I prayed for God to open his eyes and his heart.
“For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory” - Deuteronomy 20:4
Well I guess he softened a little because when I got home he gave me a bouquet of flowers and apologized for being a jerk the past few days. He said with all the back and forth driving and traffic etc he brought his frustration home and shouldn’t have.
Well that’s all I needed. An acknowledgment that he was being a jerk for no reason and an apology. The flowers were definitely a nice peace offering. And trust me he is NOT the “buys flowers every time he messes up” kind of guy. This is the 2nd time in the 10yrs we’ve been together that he got me peace offering flowers.
Prayer works! It doesn’t always work immediately or instantaneous but it works. It might not even be the outcome we wanted but somehow it always works out in our best interest.
This is just one current example of how turning my life over, trusting God’s will over my own and filling myself with biblical truth turned things around.
I did propose Karezza btw. We started out very good with it but man is it hard to finish that way..so we failed at that but hey...practice right
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...
I’ve been up since 1:30a and it’s now 6. Note to self: don’t eat at night it keeps you up. So since I’m up...
The point of coming back here with this new journey is because I am learning and working on becoming “Unbroken”. When I found out about my hubs secret Porn addiction I was devastated & very broken. Not just about the P but the lying, gaslighting, distance, neglect. What it did to my self worth. It just broken me and made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t loved. I didn’t measure up. And I began to feed into those lies because it’s what I told myself for years. My biggest insecurities and fear.
That was the broken me. I refuse to live in that self imposed prison any longer. I will overcome, I will heal, I will become unbroken. I will start by loving myself enough to work these step of recovery.
I just started going through the Co-dependent No More Workbook. Doing it with another person, sort of a co-sponsorship thing. I read the book about 10y ago and did a lot of self growth but didn’t realize I would need to work at this for the rest of my life.
Key take away from reading today:
- The behaviors that accompany co-dependency are survival behaviors- behaviors people do to adapt to crazy people and difficult situations. The problem is these behaviors become habitual. We might have started out as legitimate victims of others, but then we become victims of ourselves.
- Codependency is called a disease because it is progressive. As people around us get sicker, we may begin to react more intensely.
- In order to heal we need to find a way to be at peace with ourselves, the other person, and life, regardless of what the other person did.
- when a problem arises, try to remember that life is a classroom and any person you’re having difficulty with is a teacher. Then keep an open mind. Let yourself go through the experience and learn the lesson.
- You will get out of recovery what you put into it. Work it like your life depends on it because it does.
- Working the steps isn’t a one and done thing. They may have to be worked on daily, weekly, etc. Going through whichever step is needed at that particular time.
- We don’t need to stop unhealthy behaviors, we need to replace them with healthy ones.
Ugh & Ugh & Ugh! I so hate that. I've got to break this as lately I've been falling asleep around 8ish, and waking up at 2-3am (bladder calling). Then I can't go back to sleep. So, the next night, the cycle repeats itself. I gotta break this cycle.
Yeah, and I've learned that "Lying" is the #1 act of betrayal above and beyond all others.
Melody Beattie is pure genius isn't she? I first heard of her from my PT.
Great key words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing them.
I become so easily distracted & busy. Life can just be so chaotic that recover gets pushed aside for a period. Work, kids, house, toddler, husband, friends, gym, recovery, God.
The weekend was busy with kids activities, work, parties, church, training, etc. I woke up to a pretty Subconjunctival Hemorrhage in my eye Saturday. Now I look like a demon and I’ve felt out of sorts for the past few days, tired and down. I’m still in a positive mindset but don’t want to get out of bed in the morning no matter what time I get to bed.
I went off my depression meds a couple weeks ago and wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have. My main reason was because it made O almost impossible. And that is frustrating and depressing itself! It didn’t necessarily take my desire away but it numbed me I guess. That’s a side affect I would rather not have, although may help with practicing Karezza...hmm. I’ll have to think about that one.
I really haven’t been much in the mood lately anyway. Not like I was. I think all of this PA stuff and the realities surrounding it have tanked my libido. I just don’t feel the emotional connection I desire and it sort of makes me not in the mood. I can be easily persuaded but I feel my hubs is too lazy and self focused to do that. We’re still at the point where I feel like he wants me to do all the warm up and expects me to be ready to go by rubbing on him and having my shoulder rubbed. I have to find a way of having that conversation with him. Expressing my needs and wants.
He is very attentive in other ways. He makes me breakfast, he helps or just cooks dinner, he tag teams with running the kids around, he cuddles on the couch and watches shows or movies, he’ll make popcorn, he spoils me w the things I want, he does things with me and for me. He is great and I appreciate him. I like to encourage him and show my appreciation. But it’s always been about intimacy. We lack so much in that department.
Maybe I’m being selfish too. Maybe I’m just focusing on me and my pleasure. But I don’t think that’s entirely true because I’ll do things just for him without anything in return. I want him to be able to just focus and feel pleasured. But I also want a sex life where we are focusing on pleasuring the other person and allowing that to bring us pleasure. Then it seems complete to me. Full circle, if that makes sense. Like I’m turned on by turning him on and vice versa. That seems like real passion to me.
We lack passion.
Hit the Nail
Speaking of passion earlier...or lack of...
This is “his” week to initiate sex/intimacy (since we just started this sex schedule a wk & a half ago). He says I wasted mine which..whatever.. I think he sabotaged most of it with his attitude. Anyway, we haven’t had sex since Saturday morning.
Last night he was super tired, so was I and it was fine, but he almost tried to lazily initiate anyway by having me rub him, which was his idea of initiating bc he’d be able to tell if I was interested or not. I wasn’t interested and we have a non verbal way of communicating that.
So tonight he decided he would initiate. Ok well, same old..laying in bed and starts touching me. After a while I start getting turned off because a few minutes into it I realize he hasn’t even tried to kiss me at all. Seriously, have you ever seen a good sex scene that didn’t start by kissing!?! So I resist his attempts at completely starting (which he went for...twice) until he got the hint and started kissing me. I could tell from beginning to end this whole act was completely not about me at all. He didn’t try to please me, he didn’t try to hold himself off at all. And probably not even 5 minutes into it, he was done. Then I got the “couldn’t stop myself” & “next time I’ll be able to hold out longer” speech. So I couldn’t help myself and said “yeah and maybe kiss me more”. He didn’t like that I had a comment but I am not happy. Of course it’s going to appear that I’m not happy bc he finished to fast, and trust me that isn’t it at all. I honestly don’t mind that. I even find it a turn on sometimes if it’s for the right reason. But this was not the reason. This was not about me at all.
I’m starting to understand why people refrain from having sex at all. Why bother. It shouldn’t be this difficult, or empty. He’s taking something that I always enjoyed and making it empty and it’s frustrating. Again another I.A. way of sabotaging so that he can keep me at an emotional distance.
We will be having a nice long discussion about this tomorrow. Actually not unless he asks.
But I am setting a new boundary because I refuse to feel like this again. Used, empty. It’s a pretty gross feeling.
So if at any point going forward I feel disconnected in anyway I am going to cease activity immediately. I don’t care how frustrating that will be If that means we stop having sex all together so be it. I want someone who wants me back. Not someone who is keeping me at a distance or using me. That’s not love. That’s not fulfilling.
That’s what this journey is. Loving myself. Healing. Refusing to settle for less.
I will see myself through God’s eyes.
“You have made them a little lower than angels, and crowned them with glory and honor” -psalm 8:5
If I may, I'd like to interject something here. If we initiate "intimacy", the "sex" will almost always follow. Not necessarily, but we all are so guilty of focusing our eye on the prize, we make little effort to formulate any plan or strategy to get to the prize which is why we often fall short of getting it. A little mindfullness goes a very long way.
Now wasn't that just the most clever thing to say? NOT! That was Stupid (if he wants to see just how stupid, he can go watch the vintage "Smart Beep" commercial from the 1990s here: to get a better idea).
I sorta chuckled when I read this. I love THIS! It's so very true!
I need to include this in my Boundaries list. What shall we call it? "No IA"? "No sex without intimacy"? This is a such a good and important one that I completely overlooked. Thanks for bringing that to the forefront. As one of the side effects of our addiction, this ranks right up there with the side effects you often see on pharmaceutical adds on TV). LOL, they're often worse than the problem you're trying to treat.
If only they could find a way to reuse that commercial .. Lol
Aw, but, B3, I'm sorry .
Mcfly should be treating you so much better than this.
Its not fair for him to be so deflective all the time and so selfish.
It seems like the constant home war is because he's such a "good guy" that he can let so much go where you need to be loved and I feel like that will continue to be pushed and pushed until you are always lonely and you simply shouldn't be lonely anymore..
Its not fair.
Its unacceptable for him to have emotionally invested only to lead you on all the time.
Its truly amazing to me that men think because they put a roof over their family heads that alot of them think that gives them a pass to treat whoever lives under it anyway they want.
They do Not get a free pass on behavior because they are the man or make the most money or the household income.
It is, hands down, the funniest commercial I have ever seen. I actually saw it for the first time on television decades ago on a business trip to New England. Yeah, I do wish they could find another use for that dated footage.
Haha that was great! Thanks for the laugh!
Yeah definitely making a point for this boundary. It’s impor and I don’t want to waste my time.
Thankfully he has never played the I’m the man and make more money card. Actually we joked that I was his sugar Mama because for a few short months I was making more than him. I have a job and handle all the finances so we’re usually on the same there.
His biggest downfall is hands down with the I.A. intimacy because if he didn’t have that component we’d prob have only minor if not zero issues.
He’s pretty receptive when it comes down to talking and working it all this out. It’s getting to that point that is difficult and him being mindful to avoid them from happening in the first place.
He is a good guy. He does actually desire intimacy, it’s just so foreign to him that he naturally uses his unhealthy habits.
I have to make a boundary around that so I can preserve myself. If I don’t feel like he’s connecting I have to shut it down. I don’t normally do that. I don’t know why I don’t but I need to and will going forward. I need to make my voice heard.
I was going to say more but my husband, who has Man Flu ,decided to start crying and complaining, so I only got half my thoughts out and the rest of my "speel" on IA was lost.
Now it just seems like my post is off topic.
Its going to be "a day"
Yes, I totally get the unhealthy habits are easy and breaking out of "normal" is difficult and why do something that doesn't or hasn't been done yet?
(I was going to touch on that in my rambling but never got that far)
I hope you are doing well otherwise .. I was hoping to finish my post when I checked back, but I guess it posted when I closed out to take care of sicky. So please have a great day... And excuse me,, Mr whiny needs tea.
Awe tell Rock Star stop being a baby and I hope he feels better .
*hugs* back atcha. Thank you for always being in my corner I appreciate it
(Again possible triggers)
To sum it up. I told him how I felt in the morning. He sat me down to talk about it. He apologized for making me feel that way. Said he didn’t think about it that way that night but can see it from my perspective after reflecting on it.
I also told him I’d be shutting it down from now on if I ever felt like that again. If I felt it was even going in that direction. In fact if he tries touching me sexually at all without kissing me first, I think I’ll find it an insult. I want eye contact, kissing, caressing. I told him I wanted the full circle.
Last night he wasn’t going to attempt. So I decided to initiate with myself. Needless to say that kicked him into gear. When I was finished I stopped him and said he didn’t initiate. I laid on his chest for a while and could tell he was obviously frustrated. I found it a bit funny since that’s how I feel when it’s all about him.. I sort of got a little satisfaction from that but but then I took a step back to evaluate my motives. I didn’t want to be spiteful. That’s counter productive. So I allowed him to initiate properly..with a lot of kissing and eye contact.
I think I’ve made a lot of progress in regard to letting him know how I feel about things and how they affect me. And to his credit he’s been much more receptive to my feelings and perspective then he used to be. Not just when I frustrate him in bed and he’s willing do anything I want.
Just an observation and question.
Does it seem like you are a different person today, with program than in your past incarnation here?
Seems so from the words.
But maybe it’s just
a side you always had?
Ps command strips don’t hurt the paint
and are great ways to hang patterns
of Christmas type lights inside.
Beautiful room of light you made!
Tbh since I’ve been saved (jan09) I’ve had this side. It weaves and wanes but the closer I stay to truth & light the more I can emanate it. When my relation vertically is healthy it makes the difficulties horizontally slightly easier to navigate. I make a lot of effort not to stay in the negative for long bc it likes to trap you there.
I hope I am a different person. I plan to continue becoming a different person, the best version of myself I can be. Working a program helps become it is a constant reminder of progress not perfection and how to get back to a healthier mind when you stray. It’s a structure to follow for those like me who have a million things going on at once and gets easily distracted and forgetful. Plus it’s helpful to be around like minded people and those who can relate.
Thank you! I actually did use command hooks or the dollar store version at least. Hopefully they are gentle on the paint too.
Such a nice answer!
Appreciate much the need for like minded around for support in recovery.
“Vertical and horizontal” relationships;
Interesting as a fellow in my program noted the term ‘decentralized’ to describe how he should best relate to help.
It’s not all him (centralized).
But that he’s powerless(decentralized) from program and from vertical help.
May this dream and reach for recovery be manifest!