Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Sadgirl, May 29, 2019.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Has anyone else out there experienced their PA finding them unattractive. My husband dumped me for P, basically didn't have sex with me for 2 years straight and for 8 years prior it was a huge struggle. No PIED but seriously zero drive for me; I had to do all the pursuing and we would go months without sex unless I initiated. He never complimented me, looked at me with disgust, and towards the 2 sexless years started insulting my appearance.

    Writing it out makes me feel livid that I let myself live (rot?) in those conditions for so long. I just had no clue how bad it was because of the slow decent into abuse territory.

    He has been quite the connoisseur of 2 D women and has told me how unattractive I was to him but that now that he "isn't looking at airbrushed 20 year olds" I look "great!". Thanks husband!

    It might seem shallow but as a woman I appreciate my man liking how I look. Now I just feel disgusting with him. It has been 2 years since dday. I just am curious if any PAs found their wife gross but is now not and if they can elaborate for me. Am I selfish that I want to be with someone who finds me attractive (even if an airbrushed 20 year old is next to me)?
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Hey Sadgirl...yup I think we’ve all experienced those feelings. I often felt my PA didn’t see me. I was a faceless avatar, invisible to see, hear, or listen to. I just didn’t matter to him....unless he wanted a warm body next to him. That being said, I never felt it was ME he wanted , but any warm body...heck if I wouldn’t go he’d take the cat...see any warm body.

    There’s a saying, What another person does is not about you.”

    Please keep in mind, their behaviour/attitude is not about you. It’s them projecting their own self hatred onto you. We as women and spouses of PA’s are our own worst critics. Every time my PA projects his stuff onto me, I simply reverse it and quietly think, “oh boy, he’s got along way to go.” I don’t give his words any credibility... I mean seriously why would I give an addict credibility...we know they lie, manipulate,gaslight, scapegoat etc....I’m looking for actions.

    My goal is to protect myself with firm boundaries and consistency. If I take responsibility for my emotions and health, how can I possibly be a victim, I mean you can’t possibly be a victim and be responsible at the same time. If I accept that my PA is going to abuse me, and do or say nothing then I am a victim...knowing that, how responsible is that of me.

    These guys are troubled and they are trying, as spouses that’s all we can ask for. Expecting an addict to be honest, forthright, complimentary etc...is setting yourself up for failure. They are so wrapped up in their own crap sometimes they can’t see the light of day. Hence they resort to their own monkey attitudes.

    Best thing we can do as spouses is get out with like minded friends, stop wasting our lives waiting for or hoping for validation from an addict. That’s their journey...they will either sink or swim...that’s entirely up to them.

    Decide your boundaries, limits and rules..be free , go out with friends, meet a stranger for coffee, go to the movie...live, laugh and be free. You can set the example of a healthy attitude that hopefully he will want for himself...if not he can sink. Choice is up to him.

    I know you didn’t ask for advise...so I’m sorry if I overstepped, but seriously you are simply giving your power away to an addict. Do they make healthy choices or decisions...most times not. Don’t give their words or attitude any validation. Hold your head high, walk proudly, get out with friends and have fun...and don’t accept any SHIT. Most addicts just try to bring you down to their level...you are ABOVE that level and that’s why it hurts so much.

    You are I’m sure very attractive physically, emotionally and psychologically. Treat yourself with love and compassion. You are important in this world.

    Here’s hoping you have a wonderful day. Peace and love always .
  3. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Absolutely not selfish at all, IMO. I would think everyone wants that. No one wants to feel undesired or unwanted by their SO. My hubs used to make me feel beautiful every single day. He not only told me I was, but he also treated me in a way that made me feel beautiful. And, he was so sincere about it. Then, as the addiction grew, all of that slowly faded away until it was gone. He no longer did any of those things because he was too caught up in the P to notice anything about me anymore. I understand your sadness in not being desired by your husband. It's painful.

    Now, if he ever tries to say something nice about the way I look (which is rare), it seems forced and lacks the sincerity it used to have so it just hurts to hear it.
    Eleanor, Nugget9, Numb and 1 other person like this.
  4. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What we find appealing can (and does) change. It is much more a matter of will than just pure instinct -- or at least it can be.

    You have read how many men have had their attractions warped by ever-more degrading varieties of P, and then how these attractions have "warped back" as they came out of P? What we find attractive is very fluid. If there is a desire to find something beautiful, we can train ourselves to do so.

    If he wants to do so, a man can train himself to genuinely desire and be attracted to his wife. I would say that in doing so he is demonstrating love for her: forsaking all others and focusing his sexual attention solely on her.

    If the choice is between "natural" attraction that required no effort whatsoever and an "acquired" attraction that involved concerted effort over time, which would you rather have? Which would make you feel more loved and cherished? The former is easy and is what animals do without thought, but the latter is something that only humans can do and it requires a great deal of thought indeed.

    Love is an action and a choice, and it requires work every day. Cultivating attraction for one another is one way spouses express their mutual love, I think.
  5. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I think this is exactly right. The farther they are into the addiction, the farther away they are from what they used to find attractive. It's horrible the way things are distorted in their mind. But, even though it's due to the addiction, it's still painful for the SO and hard not to feel insecure or like we're not good enough.

    Although I know some PA's in recovery eventually revert back to their previous 'preferences,' do you think it's possible to ever get back to a point where they are attracted to their SO as much as before? Or, can the damage not be that undone?
  6. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    I let myself go over the past 19 years. I tried to make myself unattractive and undesirable. As strange as that sounds. I couldn’t measure up to the women in the videos. My husband would make comments about women on TV and I use to think wow if he thinks that about them then what’s the point of even trying. I also thought if I was disgusting then he wouldn’t want to have S. I felt like just another way for him to get an O. That he really didn’t care about me at all. I remember thinking while we having S or any physical contact that he was probably pretending I was one of the women in the videos. He would never open his eyes and look at me.

    Things are changing now and he looks at me. He tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. I feel like he is sencere and being true. It’s totally nice to hear. I’m trying to work on myself for me, but I don’t think it’s selfish at all for you to want him to think you are the most attractive woman on the planet.
  7. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    The damage can be completely reversed. The attraction can return and even surpass what it had been. That has been my experience. And the more singular my focus on my wife, the greater my opinion of her.

    The story of the two wolves always focuses on starving the bad wolf. It's an important point. What gets much less attention is what happens to the good wolf when you feed it. Whatever you focus on cannot help but grow and strengthen. That is why it is vital that we focus on the right kinds of things. If we focus our attention on unhealthy, unhelpful things, they will grow and strengthen in our minds. If, however, we focus on positive, healthy, helpful, life-giving things, they will also grow. Because of this, there is always hope.
  8. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

    I have been married 31 years, and have always found my wife attractive regardless of the problem. I think it may have to do with the fact of the perspective. I think sex and love making are not the same. In my brain these two things are different. One is more of an instant gratification type thing, the other is something that is shared. I know being I've had this problem 35 to 40 years, many viewing the asking how is this even possible. my wife is and has been always attractive. But it wasn't just physically that I saw her that way. She is very intelligent, kind, funny, and well by those descriptions alone you can see why it's not simply just sex. There are many other things that I find attractive about her.

    I find it probably normal, because my personality as a writer I do not often fit into the same categories or box that most people do. That is part of the problem is I often see things just a little bit off to the left or right of what people normally will see something for. That's why sometimes information on this website helps somewhat but oftentimes is not identifiable with me. Why sometimes it is. In this particular subject you can see there is a difference in the correlation between the two things in my head. I actually miss the personal intimacy, when we have busy lives are not able to be close. Oddly enough these two things can occur within a day or two of each other and are not even connected. One seems like I mentioned more to deal with stress and instant gratification type thing, and the other seems to be with caring and wanting to be with that individual. Probably doesn't help that I wanted to let others know not everything is black and white in this particular problem. It back no addiction has black-and-white barriers to them there's often variations from person-to-person. Be happy to answer any questions if anyone is curious than what I mentioned.
  9. I seperated the 2 in my mind

    The wife (ccrowegreen) was and is beautiful and the fantasy was the other.
    It makes no sense to her i am sure and its denial, but i had 2 different standards...my wife was and is top of the scale regardless. The P and subs was a class into itself, you probly could not objectify a woman any more directly than what i did in the past.

    It was not that I didnt find her sexy and beautiful that I diconnected. I was sabotaging myself because I hated myself for various things that are coming up now. Doesnt make it anymore forgivable or excusable it was horrible and terrible and that was all ME

    I feel like , and this is me guessing and hoping so it will be as valuable as a square tire. I feel like from your thoughts that there is something going on in his thinking and that is causing shame and guilt to take over and he is feeling that he does not deserve you maybe and either conciously or subconciously pushing you away.

    I hope thi gs get better for all of us, we deserve to be happy and loved unconditionaly
    Sadgirl, AnxietyDude and Mourde like this.
  10. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    This is an interesting approach. I think that nurturing attraction from an existing form into a stronger attraction is possible and coukd be seen ad a display of love. And between a couple that experienced passion and lust, desire and longing, that spark can be won back. But attraction cannot be manufactured from nothing. It needs to exist in the first place. I think that porn can blind some men from their own attraction to their partner and make them forget it. It is worth remembering that in his uncorrupted, default state, your husband found you attractive. Porn didn't change you, it changed him.
    hope4healing and Sadgirl like this.
  11. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut


    Wow sounds allot like my situation nice to know I am not alone.
    I love my wife and do know that at some level she felt that the addiction made me do things that were not me. But I felt they were me right down to my own sabotage. She was strong enough to ride this out with me, I doubt I could have done it, if it was reversed. I used to think that Alcohol made my dad a bad father, I grew up seeing he was just selfish. I know get that, and know I am selfish.

    Oddly my addiction could never find me the peace, love and companionship I already have. It boggles the mind of those not addicted to comprehend why damage a great caring relationship, to PMO instead.
    I am in a better place today them I was in my past. Yet still struggle.
    That tells me that maybe all these POM addicts that say they just want someone in their lives that way it will end their addiction. Actually may very well not solve anything. I am living proof. My wife is truly and amazing person, so how in the hell does PMO even exist still. And decades later I still struggle and she is still amazing. OD, wierd.
    Eleanor, justafriend and Sadgirl like this.
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you so much @Lostneverland for the beautifully empathetic response. The logical part of my brain fully and completely agrees !00% with you. I think I am grieving right now-grieving that he was not who I thought he was and that my marriage has been reduced to shit. All because he couldn't stop playing with his penis.
    Intellectually I know this, but I see women who are loved and how confident they are and how their husband's support them and I mourn for what I never had. Instead I had a resentful 12 year old 40 something year old who would lie and deny and enjoy other women in an attempt to get back at me for things he made up in his mind. It's so pathalogical. I guess not giving him credibility is hard because I thought we had a partnership you know?

    yes, and here I am 2 years later. Trying to figure out what to do re divorce. Feel stuck.

    Oh yes I have an active social life and activities I enjoy and that is getting easier and better daily!

    I love your advice. You are a gem. I am super grateful for you <3
    Eleanor, Tiger uppercut! and Trappist like this.
  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Yes this is how it was for us too. My husband LOVED me and slowly he decayed into a pervert who couldn't even appreciate me on any level. I am not a fan of Betrayed Addict Expert (I feel like they are way leaning into and pushing the co addict theory as of late), but they have a podcast called "Why Does it Hurt When The Addict Says I am Beautiful" and I found it spot on. My husband showered me with compliments after dday and it was horrible-Like he was almost trying to convince himself that what he was saying was true. After listening to that episode he agreed that he compliments me to make himself feel better. Porn has infiltrated every aspect of my life like toxic mold. And yet my husband was so proud that he never spent money on it. Yeah it cost us everything.
  14. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you for the reply. He used to find me beautiful, but then spent hundreds of hours searching out the most beautiful women he could find. You know he says that he always felt badly that I was a "10" and he was a "2". I replied then you made me a zero by finding 20s? He agreed. I mean how is that even love? How can you hate someone you love so much to reduce them in such a way. It is unfathomable to me.
  15. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I feel like it is like the biggest stain. They can try to clean it and bleach their brains with no PMO but the stain of what they dumped us for will always be there. I showed my husband some photos of his fav P women without makeup and he was shocked. In his small mind they look just like their photos all the time. It warped him. A wise woman told me, you take a cucumber and put it in vinegar and it turns into a pickle. It can never be a cucumber again. I feel like my husband is a pickle. I don't want a man who pickled his brain with porn.
  16. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    As a woman this is so demeaning. We want to be appreciated for our unique beauty and selves. I am glad to hear that you are both on the path of intimacy and of being valued now though!
  17. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    After my husband had been PMO free for a couple of months I was standing in a t shirt and underwear and he started crying saying he couldn't believe how beautiful I looked and that he couldn't see me before. I guess it is hard to really appreciate who you are with when you are counting the hours until she leaves so you can look at your fav women online. Gosh it is all so insulting.
  18. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you so mcuh for sharing" your thoughts-I really appreciate it. My husband felt like he compartmentalized it well-He referred to his PMO in his mind as " A Video Game" (cue joystick reference lol), but really he didn't because it changed how he looked at me. It changed my desirability. You know he didn't even hug me for 2 years. We would lie in bed and I would beg him to come hug me and he would refuse saying "You NEED to come to me". He felt like I didn't want him and in retrospect it was because all his P photos looked like they wanted him! they were there for him to enjoy! And here was his 40 year old wife wanting attention when she wasn't posed for his enjoyment. gah! How horrible for him to not be wanted by his wife. It's so sick. I know he hates himself. For how he wrecked our family I don't blame him. I kinda hate him too :/
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
  19. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Thank you for your reply. Yes it wrecked him :(
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  20. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    Did your husband have any other sex partner besides you previously? Sometimes I wonder if it's the other side is greener that dictate his behavior. I am sorry he ignored your emotional need. He should at least get the message clearly since hugging and kissing are so obvious in Western culture. ( I am from Asia and it took me awhile to adjust to that) . I think your spouse should provide what you need despise what he is struggling.

    In the other hand, when a man is given all the young, perfect face, hourglass body, well shaped breasts and butts from internet and magazine and etc. It is impossible or very hard to not crave them. I am one myself. Although I don't suffer depression or shame whatever, I understand that by limiting those exposure a man can become less so physically driven when it comes to attraction. I too thought of my so not attractive sometimes like why is her chest like this, why she doesn't shave there, blah blah. I realized that is because I am comparing her to like a super model and of course she will never win in the looks category, subjective or not. The attraction that is based on the closeness of the couple enhance for me when I try to focus on the positive thing about her. It can be something like she pad my head, praises, etc. It is hard at first and sounds like a chore. Overtime it will get better. So yeah, ask your husband about 1 good thing about you. Have him focus that but don't expect too much at first. Even a single acknowledgement would be a big win. Limit his hot girls expousure. Overtime it will get better. Good luck.

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