Ultramicro Cloak-and-Dagger Notelog

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by Contentful T, Sep 23, 2018.

  1. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    Feeling balanced. I know recovery is a process and I know there will be struggles ahead. It cannot possibly be all smooth sailing without any battles, that is not how recovery works really. I mean magic must be involved if it were otherwise no? Or perhaps a personal transformation so complete one comes to view fapping and viewing P as behavior akin to producing repulsion on par with consuming poison and wanting to be healthy. I am sure overthinking this will not help so I will stop there.

    Time to keep it simple. I will not set any expectations for what I should or should not journal about here. No timeframe. May be in daily or I may be in quarterly, once every 3 months that is, I mean in terms of a quarter.

    I feel so healthy in mind and body I really should strive to be of the most support and help I can be to others at the RR meeting tonight (Refuge Recovery). I will share an update on it afterwards and title it RRR (Refuge Recovery Reflections). I will do a RRR every Sunday night. Ah shoot, I was planning ahead there. All plans off. I will write anything that feels right in the moment from now on.
     
  2. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    RRR

    Came to see RR is no magic bullet deal either. However since it is based on Buddhism it appeals to me as a Buddhist and that is enough alone for me to keep going. Just another way to undo the perversion of fondling oneself alone and not engaging in communities like a healthy, normal human being. Btw I felt a little awkward at the end as I was frank about my issue, I said I have a sexual compulsion issue, an erotic problem with the internet, and compared the internet to a drug carrier system explaining that once the pixels hit the brain it's like meth in terms of hijacking your neurons.

    I suppose I should share a video and picture and end this reflection. Meditating for 20 minutes and reading a chapter from the RR text is also supremely helpful and even more so in a group setting. This is merely an auxiliary support system for me to go to on Sundays, nothing more. Btw the two females I was attracted to were not there this evening but the meeting was just as full. Perhaps the universe is telling me to ease off on thinking about approaching anyone, or they had diarrhea.



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  3. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    Lying to oneself.

    Abandonment of goals & minimization.

    "Just a little bit (stroking a boner..) Just a few strokes..."

    "Just a couple pics. Just a couple pics, they aren't nude."

    The beast loves this kind of self-talk in your head. He jumps on it. Actually I am not sure if it is a he or she, sometimes both could seem appropriate.

    Think of the beast as the devil. The devil can be an entity or your darkness inside. The devil is super cunning and can overpower you the instant you let your guard down. In the blink of an eye at times it seems.
     
  4. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    Someone mentioned porn being free. Like dude, porn is probably the most behemoth of the entertainment industries as far as digital media is concerned.

    Those free porn sites are bait to get you to pay for more "premium" porn. By more premium I mean more wasted dollars invested into a mind numbing form of toxic media. Talking about that industry and the money surrounding it is dehumanizing for me personally. So no more.

    Some people would sell their soul in an instant for a million dollars. Think of what they do for tens of millions and understand the porn industry is worth far more than millions.
     
  5. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    I had an image in my mind recently of a porn site I visited during one of the last binges (I think it is the oldest site, one of the most famous easily, not free but I was viewing trailers) and this guy in a video made me think of like a degenerated James Dean who had been on a diet of hot dogs and beers for months before filming this thing. Like he was a mess, he looked like a drug addict for sure, and the cinematography was like Hollywood quality for no good reason. The film was absolute mind waste.

    Like it was obvious no one was sex trafficked in this film. But these two were lost souls. Absolutely gone.

    Anyways I feel like I should let some love flow and stop reminiscing about things as I am clean and stable. I will take it in stride and log other stuff for now related to loving kindness.

    A book I am reading said one should constantly dwell on kind-hearted thoughts and say kind words so let me focus on that in here.
     
  6. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    Webp.net-resizeimage.jpg

    Help a lady in a dress across the stream. Dignity is natural, perversion is unnatural. This is not an upskirt shot it is a dignified gif of chivalry:

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    “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”
    ― Henry James

    I've been feeling like Tandy lately: "I run away from everything. Whenever anything goes wrong - or right - I hightail it out of town."

    I suppose dwelling on kindness may help me stop running away constantly from things, good and bad.
     
  7. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    Looks like some YouTube star made a relevant video for us to watch here. While I do not follow any internet celebs whatsoever I encourage viewing of this video.

     
  8. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    “Kindness is not a business. True kindness expects nothing in return and should never act with conditions.”
    ― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

    Recovery is much bigger than abstaining from unwanted/unwholesome behaviors yet for many this is all they seem to be capable of. For others, a good habit type of crusade seems to be undertaken. And yet for others, a spiritual journey of life changing proportions is the only true solution.

    “Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”
    ― Kahlil Gibran

    Self-compassion was brought up at RR last night. I do think it is important yet I do not struggle with it so focusing on it is not for me.

    But a nice video, inspired by the discussion about it last night,

     
  9. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    Ok I will be in here quarterly. Reset or not, I will be in here once every quarter. I will be back here during the end of Q4.
     
  10. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

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    That is not a plan above. It is just that I intended this to be a microlog. Just a general frame I want to adhere to as far as this log is concerned.

    Btw, porn affects people differently. My father for example, extremely affluent life. Yet I fear he will continue using porn until he dies. He knows he has an issue with it, and it has impacted his marriage negatively in the past (not divorced but there were affairs), however I am afraid for him the negative effects are spiritual and will impact his rebirth.



    I am not asking you to believe in karma nor reincarnation. I am asking you to contemplate death and what inner peace means to you.

    “A dog has the soul of a philosopher.”
    ― Plato

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    “Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind.”
    ― Henri Frederic Amiel

    Until next time!
     
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