T's Log for Universal Wellness

Discussion in 'Uncategorized Reboot Logs' started by Contentful T, Sep 29, 2018.

  1. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Hello my friends. I need to start a new log. I know my issue is "sleeping". Hidden, waiting to catch me off-guard. I woke up last night fapping viciously (edging basically, there was no climax) right in bed in the dark. It was so strange. This is why I had to remove all screens from my home. Because I was waking up uncontrollably edging which triggered the compulsion to get a screen for a brain smack of pixels. I really think some inner work is needed to address this as my conscious mind seems to have no control in the middle of the night when it starts. I stopped within a minute or so of waking up and becoming aware of what was going on. The temptation was gone when I shut my eyes and fell asleep again.

    This log is to keep me focused on not choosing to enter into the vice of masturbation specifically again. Which would easily lead to making the choice to get some wine and then a sexualized magazine of some kind. Who knows what would happen from there.

    On another note, I think I may have been focusing on getting my body more healthy than my state of mind. I feel a balance is needed, certainly one should not focus on their body more than their mind for UNIVERSAL WELLNESS.

    Some inspiration from elsewhere and see you next post,

    Empathy
    Imbued with empathy, we can really be tolerant of and lenient with various people and things. In turn, when making allowance for others, we will become more broad-minded and more light-hearted.

    The Path in Our Hearts
    If we are broad-minded and lenient towards others, we will have a broader path of life. It will be the other way around if we are narrow-minded and unforgiving. Therefore, our paths not only lie beneath our feet, but also in our hearts.

    P.S.

    All prior logs have since been seen as no longer relevant for me to go into again. I feel like I am not the same person and keep getting more clear headed the further away from the last binge I get.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2018
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  2. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Nature, quotes, gratitude. Some topics of previous logs. I will incorporate them into this one, indeed I shall. They will aid my reflecting thoughts and provide benefits of themselves.

    raquel-raclette-poppy-300x300.jpg

    I found a VCR walking Chuckie the chihuahua (Charlie technically). Used to call him Chuckballs, Chuckie-wuckie, Chuck, Chaz the Spaz, Chester, and who knows what else. Anyways enough about him. He's vegan btw. A vegan chihuahua.

    This led to me looking at projectors to use it with. I feel this might be a bad idea right now. For the fact that utilizing screens at home still feels unsafe. This situation is delicate and I don't want to fall again. I don't even know if the VCR works. Will update you about this as it might be my only prospect of home entertainment for sometime.

    Porn and sexualized media are everywhere. Like the people who make it, must have no conscience or don't listen to it. Why poison the well and spoil the greater good with your mind garbage you venomous fools in power of media and digital entertainment?

    sea-3572203_960_720.jpg

    —misheard line from a poem by Fernando Pessoa

    Be a blue whale with a heart the size of a room.
    Be that wet and that alone wherever you go.
    Look out through watery, sad-seeming eyes
    to watch even the smallest forms of life float by.
    Be more at home the deeper and farther out you swim.
    Let few see you. Let them wonder.
    Prize barnacles, though they are rough, and some say, ugly.
    Take note of what is right and true about the world there.
    Let krill be all that you eat, and let it be plenty.
    Persist, though much about it is difficult,
    just as an iceberg rises anyway where in ten years
    there will be no more icebergs.
     
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  3. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    ok here is the game plan for home entertainment.

    books only.

    will study maps, geography, history, photography, and all kinds of other stuff I know nothing about from all nations on the planet.

    I think I can go without any home entertainment for a year or more until there is someone else living with me who values it and would enjoy it. I think going without it will increase my concentration to levels no one else may be reaching due to living screen based lives at home.

    be back tomorrow. also terminating the idea of acquiring a device to store in public. I am gaining access to even more computers at a university on Tuesday.

    This is such a hypnotic tune:

     
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  4. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Rough reality out there folks.

    I have not remained blind to the true state of this world.

    FLASHBACK SONG:


    But on another note, I want this log to be a kind of Sanctuary. Somewhere I come to reflect optimistically even through difficulties. A place where I can set down the weight of the world and reflect with positive intentions on the right type of stuff needed to remain clean and content. Of course it is a Sanctuary others will visit, I can already see that by the view count (who is keeping score anyways?).

    Present reality song:



    Whenever I see someone playing a drum with both hands I think to myself how good of a hobby would that be for a fapper to pick up?
     
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  5. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Apologies. I did not mean to reduce anyone to existing primarily as a fapper. Surely it is unwanted baggage for many and no one should enjoy being called a fapper if you ask me, yet some people are way too fond of it and even express how much they enjoy it publicly whether directly or indirectly.

    Fapper is just a silly term for struggling with this. Being here technically makes us NoFappers, or rather Fapstronauts is the officially registered or trademarked term. Also not all fappers view this as baggage to get rid of. I can only assume it impacts their life negatively but they refuse to connect the dots.

    Will now be in on Fridays. Once a week posting. I will most likely be active in the challenges I am currently participating in on other days however.



    Lots of changes to make. I probably won't go into details for a fair amount of time here. Just staying the course for now.

    “The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself.”
    ― Albert Camus

    “In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion."

    [The Minotaur]”
    ― Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays
     
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  6. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    One more thought. The way I got rid of my smartphone and tablet this time around was a perfect storm type thing. Like I didn't sober up and say with a rational mind I need to get rid of my devices to get sober. No, one was out in a severe storm and got fried, and the other cracked and then I utterly destroyed it unrelated to sobriety when I lost my mind in the depths of a binge. I pummeled it over and over to smithareens with my bare fist.

    I realize this alone is enough to keep me away from acquiring another one. Completely lost my wits using this stuff over the years. I think I first got a smartphone about 5 years ago or so now. It never really became a primary device to fap with until I first got rid of my PC due to fapping concerns. Also not in my right mind when that happened.

    This addiction is a monster.
     
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  7. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    I need to get in here early. I know making one wrong choice which leads to another and another which ends with my soul in the grips of the beast is to be avoided as making a deliberate attempt at suicide is to be avoided for someone who appreciates the value of human life and doesn't want to cause their family anymore pain.

    Of course I am nowhere near perfect, however there are a few basic rules laid out in a spiritual teaching I try to follow (to the best of my capacity at the moment at least..) that are considered absolutely wrong to break. Unlike say the Ten Commandments, they are not forbidden necessarily by a supernatural force, and I would argue those commandments make sense and are of sound reasoning so not sure if this is a good comparison actually, but in Buddhism the five precepts are essentially guidelines to keep one safe from making mistakes that would destroy the happiness of themselves and others. In a sense they are rules advised to create a way to live harmlessly. If you look at them, reason would tell us any decent human being would live this way if they were in their right mind (suffering from a compulsion/addiction rips away our right mind):
    • No Killing
    • No Stealing
    • No Sexual Misconduct (ALL porn is harmful for inner development and often there is abuse and coercion involved and when there is not only a devil worshipper would argue that it is harmless I am thinking)
    • No Lying (no harsh speech and other forms of speech but lying is the most harmful as it is plain untrue)
    • No Intoxicants (watch how quickly most people break the above precepts under the influence..., not "evil" in itself but it hinders the mind for sure)
    I was talking about a program I was going to commit to called Recovery International. I felt like it was all I needed to change my mind thoroughly enough to end all this madness keeping me chained to sexual gluttony and tarnishing and destroying all that is good in my life and mind. After taking a step back from it and assessing my involvement (now prior as I left) with Refuge Recovery I came to see it is really up to my own personal habits, both mental and physical, to end this vice.

    However I feel for someone like me gratitude and giving back is of paramount importance for real recovery to take place and so I will still be involved with attending SOS meetings as I want to be a positive influence on others trying to get clean from whatever addictions they may be suffering from.

    Also might play around with Recovery International some more before deciding whether or not to commit to regular weekly meetings. And I will be journaling as a way to practice concepts from the text they use (Mental Health Through Will-Training by Dr. Abraham Low). I feel the concepts of a rational neuropsychiatrist can really prove helpful against this monster.

    Might start this psych journaling tonight.



    I feel that living with no screens has removed me from a deviant comfort zone I had allowed myself to become comfortable with. There would be no reason for me to have been fapping if I did not enjoy it, and a part of me greatly relished it. So getting rid of that entire zone is huge right now I think.
     
  8. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Erotic Neurosis

    Calling a fapping and sexualized pixel compulsion an addiction makes sense, however having just encountered the term "psychoneurosis" (fancy form of plain ol' neurosis) I reckon many who cannot stop PMO might be straight up sexually neurotic.
     
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  9. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut



    Can you imagine how you might feel if you moved out to Hollywood (The Hills Have Pervs) with big dreams of breaking into the music, movie, television, modelling, or some other kind of shallow entertainment industries only to find you don't make any of the legitimate outfit's lists for hire? I might say you could spiral into a depression or state of general anxiety and hopelessness with your life, your big dreams going unrealized and perhaps even shunned by some in your life whom you may or may not know personally.

    All of a sudden someone spots you and hands you a fancy business card. What they claim to have for you is nothing short of a dream for you, you immediately take the bait and swallow hook, line, and sinker overnight.

    Bait for what? The porn industry.

    Now some folks are so dim-witted they go out looking for a way to make it into that industry without any bait needed.
     
  10. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Scrapping involvement with Recovery International. I see its limits just like all other programs proclaiming to be solutions, the thing is there is no magic cure. Sure they might offer alot of valuable insight and aid however I just saw something that showed me RI, much like RR, has nothing to offer me that I don't already have access to through materials unrelated to addiction and mental health issues.
     
  11. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Will get back to Friday posting now. Something brought me in here earlier. Perhaps I felt a need to log a bit. I really don't see a need to be in here more than once a week at most right now.

    Yet if I want to come in more than that I guess I will allow myself to do so. Heck I might just share a nifty nature photograph and quote.

    Winter is coming. But deep autumn is too I guess. Still a ways before the deep frosts and snows.

    “Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
    ― Oscar Wilde

    “On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.”
    ― Hunter S. Thompson, Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century

    pexels-photo-772475.jpeg

     
  12. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    This just popped up on my YT homepage. Could it have been cross-referenced from my spiritual material combined with a search for "Mark Queppet Universal Man" which led to me clicking on a Seth Alexander collaboration video with him earlier? I am guessing that is how this Sadhguru thing was showing on my YouTube homepage:

     
  13. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Ok I have made more threads on the entire forum than I care to keep track of or return to. I may return to some if a golden nugget so to speak pops into my pineal gland that I feel driven to get out into one of 'em.

    Or I mean if my neocortex razzles n' dazzles with somethin' sweet to share but for now I feel I am spreading my usage thin like a hot sandwich and it might be burning some people. Ok I will just stop there horrible analogy.

    iPiccy-Design.jpg

    I have read about surgeries given to porn performers. Like as if what you do for a living isn't fake enough you go and become something you're totally not on the outside too.
     
  14. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    “Virtue? A fig! 'Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which our wills are gardeners. So that if we will plant nettles or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs or distract it with many—either to have it sterile with idleness, or manured with industry—why, the power and corrigible authority of this lies in our wills.”
    ― William Shakespeare, Othello

    [​IMG]
     
  15. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Could have sworn I used a 640x size image. Wtf happened there I know not. Please don't click to enlarge the image above.
     
  16. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    pexels-photo-1276429.jpeg

    Maybe this was the 640x one.

    Oh well.

    Friday Progress or lack thereof Update

    I see some people on here who are content being porn addicts. Like they haven't hit bottoms I have I think, they don't think this addiction is as bad as other ones, and they seem to rationalize and minimize their continued porn use despite being here.

    Avoid these people in terms of looking for peer support but extend kindness and support to them.

    Cold showers daily have been treating me right. Will keep doing them.

    SOS on Friday evenings is the only self-help meeting I am now involving myself with. And I really don't rely on their program rather I just go to the meeting to connect with the people trying to recover there.
     
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  17. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    I have found a way to enter the journal without counting views. Just view the title and click it quickly. Why would I want to keep track of an audience for a JOURNAL?

    “We are tossed about by external causes in many ways, and like waves driven by contrary winds, we waver and are unconscious of the issue and our fate.' We think we are most ourselves when we are most passionate, whereas it is then we are most passive, caught in some ancestral torrent of impulse or feeling, and swept on to a precipitate reaction which meets only part of the situation because without thought only part of a situation can be perceived.”
    ― Will Durant, The Story of Philosophy: The Lives and Opinions of the World's Greatest Philosophers
     
  18. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    :emoji_mega::emoji_sos:

    So this girl was sitting in our SOS group last night just to observe. She worked in the treatment industry or was a student of it I gather.

    Anyways the group leader mentioned something about this AA group she went to before that had dudes who acted like "bull dogs" around new young females who came to it. They would "hound" them she said, like wouldn't leave her alone all meeting. I mentioned that they were pigs and it is freaking obvious they want to do more than help her with sobriety.

    I cannot recommend any 12 step programs for this reason alone if you are an attractive young woman or girl.
     
  19. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut



    Sorry I am feeling an urge for weird music again.

    “Poetry is just so emo." he said. "Oh, the pain. The pain. It always rains. In my soul.”
    ― John Green, Paper Towns

    The funny thing is John we summon the rain with our soul.

    You know in Europe there are these nightclub scenes with people who live just to club. I have a hunch pornographers and the demon sons feed on females who frequent them. The allure is temporary, the pain is often eternal.
     
  20. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Willpower Test #1

    Refrain from posting in here until Halloween.
     

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