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Trying

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Katrina Rose, Sep 20, 2018.

  1. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    I'm trying to remind myself that his addiction is his problem. His disgusting habit. That it's not my problem, not my short comings.
    Really struggling today. My birthday was Sunday and he ruined it. Barely even acknowledged it was my birthday and complained all day. He's ignored me ever since. He's been on his phone every waking second from after work until he passes out drunk since Sunday. He typically does this but even more so now.
    Tonight, after I texted him from work and told him we need to talk, I come home to the stereo on so loud I can't think. He hasn't said a word to me in 2 hours since I've been home.
    He rented a movie on Redbox that has graphic sex scenes throughout. I always check the description to see if he knew it had nudity, and then google how bad it is. 4 scenes lasting 1:30 a piece with everything showing.
    We've had sex twice since the 1st. Used to be at least 4x a week not too long ago.
    I'm trying. But I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to be happy.
    I feel like there's no way he loves me. No way he respects me. It's been 5 months since our serious DDay. I feel like we're just spinning our wheels.
    I just feel so trapped.
     
    Ra's Al Ghul likes this.
  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    :emoji_cry: Vent all you want. What you're going through doesn't sound easy, but I have no experience to relate with.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. I have found Alanon very comforting with regards to having an alcoholic around. Then there are the sex addition SO groups like cosa which are good I hear.

    I’m off to my SAA in a bit.

    Wishing you more support
    And comfort.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    You can always set a boundary about TV and movies like no media with sex scenes or nudity and see if he can show his respect for you by following that boundary so you feel safe in your own home.... I'm sorry he is not trying and being a royal dickhead it sounds... we are all here for you
     
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Be careful with something like COSA. You will be labeled as codependent and encouraged to begin your own 12 step program to overcome your codependency. While some SOs may be codependent and find this helpful, many are not and find that this type of group can actually do more harm for your healing.

    Donxt get me wrong, If you feel that this is what you need, these groups are great for that. The harm happens when loved ones of SAs/PAs are seeking help for Betrayal Trauma or PTSD because it won't be found at COSA.
     
  6. This all sounds awful and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this :/ I unfortunately dont have much advice, other than to remember your worth and take care of yourself. <3
     
    kropo82, Trappist and EyesWideOpen like this.
  7. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

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    A relationship therapist I once read from mentioned that stonewalling/ignoring are one of the like 4 horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to divorce predictors.
    Sorry about your predicament.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2018
    Trappist likes this.
  8. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-fo...cism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

    Coined by the Gottman institute, and probably rearticulated by any therapist familiar with their relationship building techniques. And these four horsemen are an impending sign of a divorce, or of a relationship that won’t last.
    @Katrina Rose i would highly recommend their “the 7 principles for making marriage work”. It is designed to be fun and help provide the tools for both you and your partner to begin to open up to each other, have healthy conflicts, and understand what areas you need to work on in your relationship. It’s all about learning the right techniques and understanding. Since it was based on decades of studies and observations, it was something that even I was able to get into (which is difficult as I am a terminal skeptic). I’m pretty certain it helped save my marriage and prepared me with the understanding and communication necessary to work with my wife to overcome this addiction. It isn’t about PA or BT, but about making a marriage work.
     


  9. Just heard described on the radio
    That when she sings TCB
    It’s then slang for ‘take care of business’.

    Hopefully he will TCB.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2018
  10. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Why pretend that you are happy? If you tolerate his abuse it will continue.
     
  11. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    He is a douche. He needs to respect you. His action is like screw you and he can do whatever he wants. A serious talk would be necessary between you two. Try not to use too many "you do this..." but use words like "I feel ..." Good luck.
     
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    My husband has been seeing a CSAT for 6 weeks alone (to work on himself). His therapist thought it was time to start working on the marriage, so I was asked to join him for yesterday's appointment.

    The therapist pulled out her big whiteboard & began teaching us about these 4 horsemen. When his therapist gets to the Contempt part of the 4 horsemen, she asks me for one of the bigger problems I have with my husband right now. So, I explain that he has always had trouble wording things or doing things where I wasn't left feeling inferior to him; it has been a major wall in my healing & our marriage recovery. The example I gave: during some of our conversations that are clearly not going his way, he'll say to me "this isn't constructive" & then either leaves or disengages. Sounds like a totally normal & mature thing to say, right? Then why would this normal & mature comment drive me mad??

    There it was; Contempt! The horseman trying to ruin my marriage. My husband thought he was doing the "right thing" by shutting down the conversation, & instead, was shutting me down (not intentionally).

    His face physically changed when the therapist was explaining this; I witnessed the moment it clicked.

    It's going to be a "habit" to break, but, without the 4 horsemen, I'm not sure he would've ever been convinced he wasn't actually the "bigger person" by tapping out. Without the 4 horsemen, I would've continued to feel unworthy & let him be the "bigger person", because I didn't know what was happening between us. My husband could be PM free for the rest of his life, but, I would've ended up walking eventually. The 4 horsemen probably just saved my marriage, 5 years from now.
     
  13. Sorry to hear this is still going on.

    I was actually suprised by this post. I was under the impression were done with him and broke up a few months ago. This seems so hopeless.
     
  14. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    I've been watching a lot of videos about the horseman. They have helped a lot. And I'm guilty of a few from time to time.
    I know he's MOing again for the last month. Haven't bothered confronting him because I know he knows I'm smart enough to have caught on.
    We were doing really well for quite a while. It seemed like we turned a leaf and really understood eachother.
    A lot of this is due to withdrawal I know. The angry outbursts and selfish behavior. I try not to take it personally and he is ALWAYS very quick to apologize and make things right. Other than this addiction he is an amazing man. That is why I'm trying my best to work through it. The replies here have really helped I appreciate you all so much.It really does provide a sense of comfort and peace being surrounded by people who understand.
     
  15. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    Maybe he should stop getting drunk, it impairs judgement and leads down a path of badness: PMO
     
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  16. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    What’s so amazing about him? I hate him and I don’t even know you.
     
    Katrina Rose likes this.
  17. Br1 R1

    Br1 R1 Fapstronaut

    I know how he is acting, same as I used to apart from being drunk, as I never drank that much and dont at all now for over 18 months. Not because of having an issue with drinking just don't want to and my wife doesn't either so life is so much easier when sober all the time. I have though in the past acted like a douche and stonewalled and gas lighted the hell out of my wife. I did after a long time and a lot of effort from my wife GET IT! I am now fully committed to getting this addition under control.

    Please take Ghostwriter up on his offer, he helped my wife when she first came on here when she was having issues with me. Cant say I liked him at first as he was making my life very hard by her being hard on me. Now I really admire him and am so grateful he helped her get me in line with boundaries and consequences. What you described your husband is doing is sort of what I did, blame my wife for restricting my life, not letting me have what I wanted, like a little boy I would throw tantrums and not talk to her and stonewall her. Which was hurting her even more than the trauma I caused from watching P.

    I can say this now as I own it. She showed me the posts on here and what Ghostwriter had written to her. I finally got it and started sorting my shit out and now am so much better for it. Hopefully with kind words and some encouragement you could get him to read posts on here, the SO's trauma ones really made me realise what I was doing to my wife. You would think we would just know but the addiction I think takes our empathy away and does its best to stop anything from stopping you looking at P.

    Sorry to hear you are going through this and I wish you luck.
     
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  18. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    He has stopped drinking, about 3 weeks now. I think that is why he starting MOing so frequently again. My guess is the stress of not having alcohol as a crutch anymore led him to believe he needed SOMETHING to distract himself. No excuse, but I think i understand. Trying to be understanding and patient.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  19. When I first heard of SA in the 1990’s it was in context of AA, as if a program in sex addiction seemed like graduate work for an alcoholic.

    There are so many distracting side roads and rabbit holes, so I see why strong recovery action is needed.

    Our booze is “in our heads”.

    Hope he can find something to help him (and you) during the detox period and white knuckling. Meetings help some people.
     

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