Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 191.

    Thanks @Rock_Star and @souvlakispacestation for the encouragement, I really do appreciate it (and God knows, I could do with it!)

    We spoke last night for a long time, probably the longest time we've spoken about this for quite a while, and I feel much better for it, and I hope Tan does too. We cleared the air, and I hope that we can make progress this time, and stop making stupid mistakes thatmess things up even more.

    I know I need to start opening up more with things I come across that were potential triggers for me as well (and just opening up in general) or else it will look like I'm not making progress again. I need to stop thinking that lies are the easiest way to avoid confrontation, as they inevitably lead to more confrontation eventually.

    Today, I wanted to revisit a question that I answered earlier, because I don't think I put as much into it as I wanted;

    Why did we fall in love?

    Tan is my first real love. I had had girlfriends before Tan, but she was the first that I knew that I had fallen in love with.

    We used to spend hours just talking in the car, trying to put off parting. And when Tan left for uni, we would send thousands of texts, and spend hours on the phone.

    I loved everything about her; she had a weird sense of humour, similar to mine in a lot of ways. Her eyes are an incredible mix of colours, green, yellow, gold, brown, I could see different things in them every time I looked.

    She has scars on her forehead, from various bumps and scrapes when she was a kid, and I love each of them, like writing on a page, each telling a different story.

    She had beautiful petit hands that fit into mine perfectly. Her ears are dainty and beautifully proportionate, with several piercings, which I love. And I love her smile, though she hates it herself.

    I love her mind, she is thoughtful, and kind, and until recently, very patient. She has an incredibly caring personality, which is reflected in her job as a nurse. She is very good at picking good presents, as she is very perceptive to things people say.

    In short, I think I love her because she is her. She makes up for all of my shortcomings (of which there are many), and I wouldn't be half the person I am without her.
     
  2. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 192.

    I think there is again, a load of things that I missed out of yesterdays post, and I think there will always be things that can't be quantified but the main thing I missed out is that she is the mother of my children, and for that I will always love her.

    I think that a big part of making "us" stronger is learning not to take each other for granted, and I think that is what we have done in the past. I need to be more appreciative of the little things she does. Like when she does the dishes, or picks something up from the shop, I need to show her that I appreciate it all.

    I know I haven't done the best with that so far, but I will try my best to do better at it. As well as trying to be much more intimate in our relationship, as I feel like that side of things has taken a back seat recently.
     
  3. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 193.

    I feel like the past few days have been pretty good between us. I feel like since Sunday, we have felt closer again, like the talk we had cut through the tension that had built up to near breaking point.

    I have never felt so close to losing Tan as I did this weekend. Not even when she caught me the last time. I think I had made so many promises and commitments that I didn't keep to and that built up and built up until Tan couldn't take it anymore. I just want to be able to look to the future and remain positive about things.

    What do I see for the future?

    After our talk, I feel positive about future plans again. On Sunday, I thought I would end up living with my dad again.

    We have got such a good future ahead if things go to plan, and that plan involves me being open and honest, and being more consistent in my recovery work.

    I look forward to the little things, like going to see a comedy gig, a band and going to the work Christmas party with Tan. And I look forward to the big things like our house extension, and plans for another baby.

    But most of all, I look forward to continuing the normal, everyday things like kissing Tan and the kids before I go to work, being able to vent to Tan about work, or be there when Tan needs to talk to me about something that's bothering her.

    And I look forward to not burdening Tan with the anxiety that PA has given her for so long, and to be in a place in our relationship where trust is not taken for granted, and lies aren't second nature.
     
    Rock_Star and kropo82 like this.
  4. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 195.

    I'm looking forward to this weekend, at the same time as not. We are holding a remembrance party for my Mam who recently passed away, but at the same time as I think it'll be a good, happy night, I fear it will dredge up unwanted emotions. Although it is an excellent opportunity to see friends and family that we often don't get to see.

    I feel like the mood between Tan and I recently has been better, and I feel like things are looking pretty positive again.

    I also feel like my exercise has stepped up, as I'm starting to see a difference, as well as feel it. Hopefully it will have other mood benefits as well.

    Why could I not abstain after previous D-Days?

    Looking back, i really wish i had managed to, as it would have prevented a huge amount of heartache, anxiety and depression.

    I think there are a few reasons, but one of the main reasons was that I still thought that what I was doing was, on some level, okay. I know that Tan had expressly said that it was unacceptable to her, I still thought that it was normal behaviour and that made it okay. I know now that just because it is normalised, doesn't make it okay and healthy. The fact that I disregarded what Tans wishes were has also been a huge factor in our issues now, with no trust.

    Another factor is that I wasn't as knowledgeable about the effects that watching porn had on various areas of my life, and how destructive it was to my relationship, and how it could affect my mentality.

    I didn't fully understand how it was affecting Tan at the time either, even though we had argued for a while after each d-day, things would eventually settle down to normal, and I would just go back to the way things were.

    I think a major reason that I didn't succeed in the past is that I hadn't found this place, for me to see with my own eyes, that there were other people in the same situation as me, able to offer advice, help pick me up and get me motivated to quit porn. I genuinely think that if I had found this site years ago, things would have been different.
     
    Banjaxed likes this.
  5. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Re “unwanted emotions”, I find it helpful and interesting to acknowledge them, study them, even embrace them - think about what they are trying to tell me. Trying to ignore them or hide from them just feeds them in my experience.

    Part of my healing is to become more aware of these emotions and to share them appropriately - Just make sure you don’t bottle them up, talk to your wife about them and I’m sure they’ll feel a whole lot more manageable
     
  6. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Banjaxed I'll try and bare that in mind tomorrow night.
     
  7. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 197.

    Well we've had another busy weekend this past couple of days. We held a party in remembrance of my mam who sadly passed away 3 months ago, and we put loads of time and effort into organising and prepping it. We went through a couple of thousand photos of family to find pics of my mam for a slideshow, which was difficult (emotionally).

    We received a phone call just over an hour before the party was due to start from the DJ trying to get into the venue to say that they had no recollection of the event. Safe to say we were stressed out at this point. It turned out that someone had cancelled it after my mam passed away thinking it wouldn't be going ahead and they didn't consult any of us.

    Tan somehow managed to arrange a new venue for the party less than an hour before over a hundred people showed up! And to be honest, where we ended up was better than the original venue any way!

    This morning was not so good though, due to a self inflicted "illness" (hangover) which saw me over the toilet a couple of times. We ended up with the kids back by 9am after going to bed around 4am... I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be responsible by now (though I don't remember the last time we were up as late as that).

    All in all it ended up being a pretty good night, full of laughs and emotion with loads of family and good friends.
     
  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 198.

    Overwhelmingly tired today, the weekend has definitely caught up with me! Fortunately it's only a 3 day week at work for me this week, and off for 4 over the weekend. I think the tiredness is making me a little emotional today as well.

    When the conversation turns to porn or objectifying women, how do I respond?

    Tan asked me this last night, we had some friends around our house after the party and one of the lads were joking about porn, and I just uncomfortably laughed at it, but do I get involved in the conversation more when not with Tan?

    I have never subscribed to talking about women in an openly objectifying way. I feel very awkward about it and don't get involved, if asked directly about something I would just agree with the consensus and move the conversation on. This is both before and after d day.

    With regards porn, I never really talked about it with other people. I guess I'm just a bit uncomfortable talking about sex generally with people, I feel like it's a private thing and like to keep it to Tan and myself.

    I know it sounds ironic, but I always took pride in the fact that I didn't get involved in such conversations, but kept my ogling, and silent objectification to myself, and thought that I was better for it. Obviously I was not.
     
  9. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 199.

    Last night was good. Tan was on a late shift which often triggers her as I'm left alone in the house for a while when the kids have gone to bed, but I managed to keep her updated on what I was doing by messaging her to let her know I was keeping busy and thinking of her. She got home and saw that I had been productive with my time and we were good.

    What has been the hardest part of the journey so far?

    I think that there have been various difficult points in my journey to date, from arguments to ogling, but I would say that the hardest thing has been to change how I think when I lie about things.

    Essentially, I'm learning not to lie. It Had become such an ingrained way for me to self preserve that it has been a difficult thing to stop myself doing, even when the lie is stupid and won't really result in a situation being much better.

    I think that I need to become more confident in the knowledge that the lie will actually end up resulting in a worse situation, as if it is discovered, it will send me back to a position where any trust I had gained will be lost, and nothing I say will be believable.

    Even if it isn't discovered initially, lies often build up and become difficult to keep track of and tend to spiral out of control, with one lie being used to cover up another lie and so on, until everything the trust is based on is a lie, and when it comes crashing down, it will take all progress with it.

    I don't know why it has taken so long for me to get this into my head, my parents hated lies, and my mam was honest to a fault. Perhaps it's shame and embarrassment that has resulted in me lying, or fear of other people's reaction to my truths, but what I do know is that I need to stop in all areas of my life, which is difficult. Hopefully I can still build back the trust I have lost with Tan.
     
  10. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 200.

    There is some irony in my last post, unfortunately, as I haven't been entirely truthful with Tan (yet again). Although I felt like I had been doing better at telling through truth, I have been finding ways in my head to justify that seeing a girl walking along wasn't an avoidance for me because of whatever reason, so I didn't have to admit it to Tan, thus artificially lowering the member of avoidances I had to make each day.

    Really what I should have been doing is just telling her of each of them as it happened, answering any questions she might have, and just getting on with my day.

    It must be tiring, reading my journal through, just to see the same mistakes being recycled over and over again, and it frustrates me to write this kind of post yet again, but each time I have to admit this kind of thing to Tan, it plunges her even further into depression.

    She admitted to me last night that she has occasionally thought of suicide, particularly after days like this, including last night, and the knowledge that I have made her this way makes me sick.

    Despite my actions, I do love her dearly, and I want to do anything I can to stop her feeling this way about herself. I just wish I wasn't so scared.
     
  11. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    Hi Acky, can I make an observation? I may be way off base here, and I don’t want to cause trouble, but when I read your journal it reads like it is written by a husband who knows he has f’ed up, who knows his wife is reading every word, who is trying to make amends but is treading on eggshells. That’s natural of course, most of us are in the same boat

    Please tell me if I’m wrong. It seems like you are writing these entries for her, not for yourself. You’ve even revisited some entries following critical feedback (“I didn’t go
    Into enough detail” etc).

    I think journaling can be useful, and I am certainly no expert, but it has to be for you mate. I think that you might benefit from just letting go a little...
     
  12. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 206.

    We've had, generally, a pretty good weekend (which started last Thursday!). We went to see a comedy gig on Thursday and went for food and a couple of drinks, which was good (and we also got a child free night for sleep!). We turned the house over cleaning and tidying and had friends over for drinks, food and games on Saturday night. Unfortunately, on the night both the kids had terrible sleep, the eldest vomited twice and ended up in our bed and I ended up with both D and V... so Sunday, we went for food with the family very tired and poorly.

    Yesterday we had a lazy, sleepy day to recover.

    I have to say, despite the poorly, tired part, I have enjoyed just spending time with Tan and the kids as a family, and look forward to the next opportunity. And I must add, I greatly appreciate Tans help over the past couple of days when I have felt so terrible (she even gave up a couple of her panty liners for me...things were bad okay!)
     
  13. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    EDIT: after writing this I realized this thread is long and has many updates since the first post. But I’ll leave my post Incase you find it useful.

    Here’s my advice. To qualify myself, I have been using PMO for 20 years nail. My last 10 years go progressively worse and worse, to the point that I was looking at some pretty dark stuff and was completely obsessed. I was masturbating 4+ hours a day and watching lorn the whole time. How people check social media is how I watched porn; in the car at a red might, in line at the store, the second I woke up etc... insane addiction to it. It was my life.

    I’m also married for 3 years and have been with my wife for 13.

    I just completed a 6 month period of hard mode no PMO. Last week I Masturbated and orgasmed. Long story short my PMO addiction is not present. currently I am doing really well with it.

    Here’s what I did and I urge you to do if you want to recover.

    1. Do hard mode no PMO.
    2. Meditate daily
    3. Journal daily (pen and paper)
    4. Pray daily (even if your not religious)
    5. Get a therapist (CBT is what I use) and deal with all your emotional issues causing you to run away by using PMO
    6. I cried nearly every day for 150 days.
    7. Attend SAA meetings
    8. Get an SAA sponsor and work the 12 steps using the AA big book
    9. Be rigorously honest about your addiction, all the dark little secrets, and your emotional state.
    10. Continue to be honest on a daily basis so you are never hiding anything. Hiding anything means if you feel anxious you talk about it, rather than keeping it to yourself and letting it fester. Literally zero secrets!
    11. Have 3-5 people in your life other than your wife that you can unburden your crap. She’s too close to you for it to be benificial. It will just stress out your relationship and she doesn’t need to hear all the sick and twisted thoughts you have.
    Do this for 6 months straight. All of it. Every day/week.

    The. After 6 months. Start talking with your therapist about introducing sec back into your relationship. And then your recovery will take a new shape of changing your brain to connect love and affection to orgasm rather than the mental images of porn or sexual fantasy.

    This is about a 2-4 year process to fully recove so be ready for that. We don’t suffer from porn addiction. We suffer from an inability to deal with life so we use porn as our medication.

    we have to relearn a lot of stuff.

    Now you might not be like me. You might be able to stop on your own and be totally fine not doing any work... but I’ve never met a true PMO/sex addict that could do it on their own with sheer willpower. And if your family is on the line I would recommend you take this challenge seriously.

    Also, for your wife, she should go to therapy as well. She can see a CSAT and she will learn more about your addiction and learn how to be supportive through your journey. You can also see a CSAT too if you like instead of CBT. For my issues of anxiety and depression and self loathing, a CBT is really helpful.
     
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  14. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @MasterRoshi for your advice. We aren't using any counselling at the moment, but I am doing work towards recovery.

    I know that this is not a quick process, but I do hope that, through time, we can rebuild things.

    We've had ups and downs along this journey, and I hope that I am learning from the hard times, but my resolve to stay on this path is still strong.

    I wish you all the luck in your own recovery!
     
    MasterRoshi likes this.
  15. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 207.

    I feel like yesterday was a good day, the mood between us was positive and my exercise is going really well at the moment, and Tan has started her own regime which is good to have someone to help motivate and to provide motivation for.

    Tan is on a late shift tonight, which is always an issue for her as she tends to get triggered easily, but her last late went really well, I think, so I will be taking pointers from that and keeping busy and keeping Tan informed of what I'm doing to hopefully make things easier for her, and avoid triggering her.

    I have plenty of work related stuff to do tonight, so hopefully will be able to get things done on them.
     
  16. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    This entire post breaks my heart as I know this is the road I am about go down. My wife found out yesterday and I can already tell she is broken.

    Do you have any friends you trust and can tell?
     
    Trappist likes this.
  17. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 208.

    @eash860531, we do have both good and bad days but hopefully, the further we go into our journey, the more good there will be. The key is, learning from your mistakes. If you keep making the same mistakes over and over then, nothing will change. This is something I should have learned a long time ago, and looking back at how many times I've been in the same situations is depressing.

    I always found it difficult to talk about my thoughts and feelings, and that is one of the things that has brought the most trouble along with the habitual lying.

    But we are still on this path after over 200 days since d-day, and hopefully we can make some progress now.



    Last night our youngest was diagnosed with chickenpox for a second time in less than a year. Safe to say that three of us barely slept and are feeling it today at work. Fingers crossed a second bout won't be as bad as the first...

    So the plans I had for last night went out of the window and we spent most of the evening, into the night, at the hospital waiting for a doctor to see her.
     
    eash860531 likes this.
  18. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 209.

    I think over the last couple of nights Tan and I have had about 7 hours sleep between us in total. We are TIRED...

    We had expected that our youngest second dose of chicken pox might be slightly milder than the first time around, but at it's current rate, it will be worse, and she is sleeping much less, making it worse for all of us.

    Somehow, through the tiredness, Tan and I are still speaking, and acting as a pretty good team.

    We have some company this evening, but I kinda hope they won't be here until too late. I just wanna sleep!
     
    lardy_renewed likes this.
  19. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 210.

    The youngest's chicken pox has looked much worse today but her mood has been much better, although she still ended up sleeping with us again last night, and we didn't get much sleep again.

    We have ended up having a fairly lazy day today, watching films with the kids, although we did do the grocery shop and tidied a little so I guess it wasn't too lazy a day.

    We are quietly optimistic that we might get a bit of a better night to night, but I daren't say it out loud...
     
    Nugget9 likes this.
  20. eash860531

    eash860531 Fapstronaut

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    Hoping for the best! That doesn't sound fun for anyone...
     
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