Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 310.

This weekend was great, and full of laughs and family. Saturday night we had me and Tan had a date night. We were gonna watch a film at the cinema, but it was sold out, which meant we ended up spending even more money by looking at furniture...

We then went out for some food which was nice, and nice just to spend some time out with Tan on our own.

Yesterday we did a load of housework before we got the kids back, went shopping as usual and went for Sunday dinner with my brother his partner, my dad and gran, and headed back to ours for some coffee and a goof around with the kids, which tired me out a bit!

I'll be listening to some more podcasts on my way home from work this evening which I'm looking forward to.

 

Day 311.

So I've just listened to episode 7 for the second timewhich discusses creating connections with your SO. I've decided to actually take some physical notes, as when I listened on my way home yesterday, it didn't sink in as well as when I listened previously on my lunch, so I think taking notes just allows me to remember and grasp more fully what's being discussed.

This one was quite interesting, and talked about different ways to make a real, deep, connection, and that it involves lots of factors to work. Including honesty, empathy and for me to leave shame out of the situation. Being present for Tan not just to make me feel better (to fix the situation from a shame point of view).

I think I'll continue to take notes in future as it's been really helpful today.

I'm pretty busy at work today, but it's going well so far. I'm looking forward to getting home still though!

 

Day 312.

Today's episode was a Q and A session where they answered question from listeners. There were some good points made such as about recovery needing routine, but also flexibility when the routine is thrown off.

Tan is on a late tonight, so I'm gonna try and finish part of my portfolio off. Looking forward to having made progress with it. Tan has already part prepared some of my food which I am really looking forward to too!

 

Day 313.

The episode today was discussing the difference between checking boxes and owning recovery.

That checking boxes to pacify your SO is just sobriety, but acknowledging that to truly recover, fundamental change is needed in ones character.

I also decided to listen to an episode of 7 good minutes, which is actually pretty inspiring. Just 7 minutes of positive, inspirational speaking.

Today is going pretty good. I've been busy this morning, and I've been incredibly productive, and I've got a portfolio meeting this afternoon which should be good.

 

Day 314.

Today's episode (ep 13) was about gratitude, and being grateful for everything you are right now. For every thing that is good in life right now, and not focussing on what's bad, what's been bad and what might be bad, but what's good now that we're grateful for.

Simple things like how the kids slept through, or that it's a sunny day, or even that it's raining, as rain brings with it water for plants and crops, and washes away the dirt.

Today's going well so far and I am indeed grateful for that, but I'm also grateful for the fact it's Friday, meaning it's the last day of my working week!

 

Day 317.

This weekend has been unbelievably busy, but not for good reason. On Friday evening, our youngest managed to pull a freshly boiled cup of water over herself, resulting in a trip to urgent care centre, where we were then sent to the specialist paediatric burns unit via ambulance. She was kept in overnight but fortunately they don't expect any long term issues.

Today I've listened to episodes 14 and 15 where they discussed support for the betrayed (Tan), and codependancy. I think that codependancy is probably an issue to some extent in most people's relationships and is probably one in ours too. I feel like I will need to do a bit more research into it though.

7 good minutes is an awesome, inspirational podcast that I've started listening to too. Actually does impact my mood for the afternoon really well

 

Day 318.

Today is busy at work. Hopefully this afternoon isn't too bad. I expect it'll be a little quieter.

Today I've been listening to episode 17 where they talk about denial, it's role in addiction and how to work on getting out of denial.

Denial allows us to justify things that we do. There are a variety of different types of denial, but all of them are used by an addict, to propagate our addiction.

Becoming educated and aware will allow us to pull ourselves out of the cycle of denial, and being honest with everyone, including ourselves, will help with that.

 

Day 320.

I listened to another episode of the betrayed, the addicted and the expert today, which dissected a fight that Ashlynn (the betrayed) and Coby (the addicted) had where Ashlynn became triggered and showed how Coby reacted to the situation, and how he could have better handled it. In the end though, they turned this bad situation into a positive, and intimate exploration of the things that still need to be addressed in their relationship.

I think that this kind of fills me with hope for the way we can hopefully navigate similar situations in the future.

 

Day 321.

I've listened to quite a few of these podcasts, and haven't actually discussed any of them with Tan. I've made loads of notes from each of them, but could definitely use them to have some good discussions with her. I think that would probably be a good idea.

I listened to another today, which was about dating, and it went over how important it is to make time for each other, with no expectations. Just quality time to talk, laugh and generally spend quality time together. From a walk or bike ride, to a meal or comedy night, and it's important to try and schedule time as regular as possible as it's a great way to rekindle connection.

We do try and have date nights fairly regularly, but it is difficult with kids, and full time jobs, but we do still try to make time.

 

Day 324.

I listened to a podcast today on emotions and connecting with them, which explained that identifying emotions allows you to be able to process them better and understand what is causing them. In turn it can allow us to prevent things like depression and anxiety dominating how we feel and it can also be a good gateway to healthy communication about how you feel with your SO.

Thus weekend went pretty good. We have finally received a dining table (after originally ordering one in September!) So now we need to christen it with a party! We also did some shopping and went for food with family which was good to catch up.

I'm looking forward to finishing work today and getting back home with Tan and the kids!

 

Day 325.

Today's podcast discussed what it called "the Spike narratives" which are basically thoughts that are creating shame or telling us we aren't good, or we're terrible parents etc.

Detaching from these thoughts, giving them a name (Spike) and being able to push these thoughts asside and tell yourself that you are good, you arent a bad parent, and you are doing your best, you van push asside the shame, or guilt etc as well.

Today I was doing some research for my portfolio (which is medical as I work in a pathology lab) I came across a couple of anatomical photographs (I'll not go into details on what they were of here) but I told Tan about it, and I actually feel somewhat liberated by it.

Tan is on a late shift tonight, and I have some more portfolio work to continue with to keep me occupied, as well as plenty of chores to do. I am looking forward to seeing Tan when she gets in though!

 

Day 326.

Today is going pretty good so far, good start to the day with the eldest having a dry night, and the youngest being a mental case as usual.

I listened to a couple of podcasts today, the first was somewhat religious, and while it might have been relevant but I struggled to relate as I'm not particularly religiously inclined, but was about how addiction affects spirituality.

The second was about loving as opposed to consuming your wife, and was essentially talking about co dependence as well as using her for lust over love. I have to agree that some of our sex is lustful, but we also have many encounters that are love filled as well.

I really feel like today should be a Friday (if only). I could really do with a weekend!

 

Day 327.

Today has been busy, and I made a couple of mistakes which stressed me out (both resolved thankfully) but I've had my dinner, and I feel a little more chilled.

I listened to a podcast about making progress rather than seeking perfection. It discussed the fact that failure is so much worse when you are a perfectionist, as anything short of perfection is failure. But in reality we all make mistakes, and accepting that, when mistakes are made, as long as we learn from them, they are a normal, and can even be a good part of life, allowing us to improve.

I can't wait to get home tonight, I'm pretty tired, and I hope that I won't get back to work, and get stressed out again!

 

Day 328.

Just listened to a podcast about relapse prevention, which was mostly discussing mindfulness, but also boundaries and what they called bottom lines (which I kinda class as boundaries as well, like not taking my phone in the bathroom etc).

Some of the stuff I already do but there were some other things there that I could definitely take on board, and do a little more research on. But I do try and stay mindful and present, and meditation does play a helpful role in that.

Today is busy and was a little stressful this morning, but I think this afternoon will be better. Tan is currently making a Lasagne to share with my dad tonight, and I'm really looking forward to it!

 

I can totally understand, and to be honest, some of it is dry reading, but I think our relationship has changed. I have changed a lot of my actions, and I try my best to be mindful of my thoughts and my actions.

When we first embarked on this journey, I don't think either me or Tan felt optimistic. Even now we have bad days, but they feel short lived between the good days. But now, we seem to be much more optimistic, finding good things to be happy about, and enjoying our time together as a family.

I know that we still have a distance to go, but I feel like we are much stronger now than we were before.

I have found many, really great resources through this site that have helped me on the way, practical and motivational tools, and I'm more than happy to help!

 

Day 332.

The weekend has been good and work yesterday was okay (busy, and didn't get every thing sorted, but okay) but today is my last day of the week, and I'm off to spend some time with the family!

Yesterday I listened to a podcast about lust, and the differences between lust and attraction. Admittedly it did have a touch of a religious spin o it, but totally relevant. It is natural to be attracted to other people, but when we lust over them, that is when it becomes unhealthy.

I'm really quite looking forward to having some time off work now!

 

Day 338.

We have had an amazing few days off together, and we had a great time visiting family we don't see often and having friends over, and generally spending time together.

I must confess though, that my NoFap efforts have been somewhat poor while I have been off, and I need to get back with it. I think I struggle when I'm out of my routine to keep up with certain things like meditation, writing posts on my journal and listening to podcasts, fitting it all in around looking after the kids etc, but I know it could fit in, and I need to do better to figure it out.

We have had a great time, but I'm back to work today, and Tan is back tomorrow, so back with a bump, and I'm gonna work on my consistency again going forwards!

 

Day 338.

The podcast I listened to today was about a sexfast (essentially hard mode NoFap) and it's benefits. We haven't abstained for more than a week since we started on this journey, and I think that our sex life is pretty healthy, and full of connection now. But they did talk about how it should be used to explore your partner, not just to get something out for yourself.

My dad is over for tea tonight so that will be good, and I'm looking forward to finishing work today and seeing Tan and the kids.