Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 287.

Today Tan has been pretty I'll, so I've been dealing with the kids so far. I've tried to give Tan a bit of a break so she can recover.

To be honest, we have just had a quiet chilled out day playing with new toys and watching films/ tv shows. I think I feel more tired from that than a usual day of work.

I'm kinda looking forward to the kids going to bed so we can eat and chill in a bit of peace (though I'm not sure Tan will be eating with me).

 

Day 289.

Yesterday was pretty good. We went shopping as usual, but unlike usual, the shop was pretty quiet surprisingly! We went for Sunday lunch at Tans parents, but 2 of her uncles are up so it was nice to see them and then we went to my dad's for a cuppa and a chat.

So far today, I'm knackered and busy at work. I just want to go home and chill out before my dad comes round to quietly celebrate the new year by playing some board games.

I think, so far Christmas and New year have gone pretty well. I think having kids makes things easier to deal with as the focus is on them and their happiness, as opposed to your mind dwelling on the shit things that have happened in the past year.

Here's to a happy New year!

 

Day 291.

I'd like to firstly apologise to Tan for yesterday. I have been pretty excited to book a holiday recently, and, without realising, in search of a good deal I have started to ramp up the use of my phone again which was always an issue in the past, but last night, I cut Tan off mid conversation to discuss what I had found. This led to Tan becoming triggered and uneasy in bed with me, and ended new years day badly.

Yesterday was good until that point though. Lots of food and family

 

Yesterday, on the whole, was a good day. We didn't do much for new years eve, my dad came over and we talked and had a bit of a drink accompanied by an Indian take away, but nothing rowdy, and to be honest, I was knackered. We're used to being in bed between 9 and 10pm...

We went to Tans parents yesterday where they cooked a huge meal for 14 of us, washed down with wine beer port whisky and coffee... but it was an early finish to get the kids to bed at a sensible time.

Frankly last year wasn't a great year, it finished better than expected, but generally, it was canny shit. Hopefully 2019 will be better, but I have to do my best to help it.

 

Day 292.

Work went well yesterday. The workload wasn't too bad so we got chance to do stuff we often don't get time for.

Our youngest was a bit difficult to get to sleep, but otherwise was okay. I enjoy getting in from work to see their faces light up, it's one of the best feelings in the world.

I have to say, I'm looking forward to the weekend to be off. Despite having days off for Christmas and New year, and the workload being quite low, I still look forward to time at home.

 

Day 293.

Yesterday was good. I feel like I'm making good progress at work. Things were good with Tan. We had a little argument about me not expressing my affection for her well (which is something I've always struggled with, feeling awkward making compliments, and feeling more comfortable with sarcasm). We had sex after which was excellent though.

Tonight Tan is on a late so I'm gonna try and get back into my exercise for a new years "resolution" (I hate to term it like that, but I guess it's apt). I've also got loads of work to do for my portfolio so my time will be well occupied

 

Day 296.

This weekend has been good. Friday finished off well at work, I managed to get more done than I expected and got a load of chores done when I got home while Tan was on a late shift.

Saturday we had food with my family for a gift exchange as we haven't caught up since Christmas. It was good to see people and the food was nice. Tan and I just chilled with the kids the rest of the day.

Yesterday we went out for Sunday dinner with my dad and my Auntie which was good as we hadn't seen her for quite a while either. My best friend came over for a visit with his new girlfriend. He lives 3 ish hours away so we don't see each other so often any more so it was great to see him. We just chilled for the rest of the day with the kids again after that.

We have both started to work out again. I started back on it on Thursday last week, and it's amazing how fast you lose what's been gained (I'm pretty sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere...), but it was great to do it alongside Tan, as it motivated me to get through it, and hopefully I had the same effect on Tan.

 

Day 297.

Work went well yesterday and I left feeling accomplished. Tan and I entertained the kids until bed time then we put them to bed, ordered a pizza and booked a holiday for summer.

We spent most of the evening looking for places to stay and flights etc, and we got a pretty good deal in the end, so something to look forward to (although it's gonna be hot in Spain in June so we'll have to be careful with our youngest who is ginger!).

Today isn't going too bad either. Work is good and getting the kids ready this morning wasn't too painful. Looking forward to getting home still!

 

Day 298.

Today had been good so far. Been productive at work and have got plenty of stuff done. Still plenty to do this afternoon though.

Tan and I didn't do much last night after bathing the kids and getting them to bed. Just cooked, chilled out then hit the sack.

Tan is on a late tonight so will get some chores done and get on to working on my portfolio, which still has plenty of work to go before March...

 

Day 299.

Last night went alright, I had no issues and kept Tan updated through her shift okay. I got a few chores done, did my work out and worked on my portfolio which still has quite a bit of work to be done on it.

We're looking forward to steak this evening, which we haven't had for a while. I'll do my workout mostly before hand.

Today is going pretty well at work, not too busy still, giving time to do off bench work.

Our eldest seems to have regressed a little by wetting herself quite a bit again recently, hopefully it's just a blip and she will get back on track shortly.

 

Day 300!

Not a proper milestone, but 300 days is still worth celebrating I'd say. I can't say the past 300 days have all been easy, but the position I'm in today has been influenced and affected by each of the last 300 and I think we are in a much better place now than when I first embarked on this journey.

Last night was good. We got the kids to bed, had steak (ordinarily I would have it as is, but we had BBQ sauce and cheese on top and it was actually pretty good), chilled out and went to bed to sleep...

This morning was alright, though both kids were still tired when they decided to get up, which resulted in a lot of whining.

Work has been much busier today (finally got over the Christmas slump) so have been run off my feet.

My dad is coming round tonight for some grub, which is always good. Mince and dumplings is on the menu which I am looking forward to.

 

Day 302.

Not a great morning to start the day. Tan was on a late last night, and this morning, when I got up, I triggered Tan by running the tap in the bathroom sink. That made her very suspicious as usually we would not run the tap in fear of waking the kids up. Our youngest was already awake, but our eldest was still asleep so I shouldn't have run the tap (I needed to clean my glassss). Either way, I triggered her and should have been more thoughtful.

The rest of the day has been okay, Tan had another late today, so after we went shopping, I took the kids to Sunday dinner at Tans parents as usual and then went to my dad's for the usual cuppa and a chat, and then brought them home and put them to bed.

I have made lunch for tomorrow and tidied up done the washing etc and am waiting for Tan to get home while doing portfolio work.

 

Day 303.

Tan feels that I've become complacent again in some of the things I should be doing, if that's the way she feels, then I must be as if it's causing her anxiety, I need to do better.

I know I've been here before, but I need to do better still, and I know there are always ways we can improve, so I'll double down again. I need to work at my consistency and make Tan feel more like I'm still serious about this journey.

Today has gone okay so far, busy this morning which will continue, and I'm very tired and slightly under the weather but okay mostly.

 

Day 304.

So today I've decided to start listening to audio books on PA and betrayal trauma, and think I'll probably keep listening during my lunch. I'm currently listening to the betrayed, the addicted and the expert. Ep1. I have watched a few YouTube videos of these guys, but not followed them so much, but found it interesting to see the situation of the couple speaking to an expert about the issues they are going through. I look forward to continuing to listen going forward. Any other suggestions for audio books and podcasts would be awesome!

Yesterday was good and we cooked, chilled and watched some tv and went to bed. Last night was the first time our eldest woke up during the night for the toilet, which was food, and we appreciated.

Today, work is going okay, and we are pretty busy. Tonight Tan is on another late shift, so I'm gonna keep busy and keep her informed of how I'm doing, and what I'm up to.

 

Day 305.

Last night went pretty well. Tan was on a late shift, so I got the kids sorted after picking them up from their grandparents, and put them to bed before doing some chores and worked on my portfolio.

I've listened today to episode 2, which is all about how to respond to someone (Tan) who is suffering from betrayal trauma. The key is essentially not to react with defensiveness, but to respond with acknowledgment of why she is triggered and to appreciate why my actions might have caused a trigger. Essentially try and open up a non hostile discussion as opposed to a defensive aggressive argument.

I know that I've not reacted well in the past to Tans triggers, but I feel like I have made ground recently on trying to remain calm and acknowledge and validate her feelings. I'd say I probably could still do work on this side of things though.

 

Day 306.

I currently have not had any relapses on my journey, but the last episode I listened to was about learning from relapses, and how to use the relapse to actually try and build trust in the relationship. By telling Tan, it would show that I have actually changed the way I deal with the situation.

I'm currently listening to Ep.4 which talks about when the SO "relapses". Like when she gets triggered and how she should deal with it. Making a list of triggers could help, the same as it has helped me.

Yesterday my dad came round for an unhealthy fry up (bacon, eggs, sausage, black pudding...), and we dismantled our dining room table in preparation for it's new owner collecting it this morning.

So far today, work is going well. I'm off bench today which means I can work on my portfolio and other jobs that I don't usually get the opportunity to do.

 

Day 307.

So today I'm listening to episode 5, which compares sobriety and recovery. Listening to it makes a lot of sense, and I feel like I still have work to do to go from sobriety to recovery in the terms talked about in the podcast.

In some aspects though, I do feel like I'm in recovery. I think that I'm doing work towards recovery, however I rely too much on Tan either reminding me to do stuff, and I need to be more proactive in some areas.

I'm really enjoying these podcasts so far, and I'm looking forward to listening to more and other suggestions from @HonestyMatters.

I'm looking forward to the weekend off. Me and Tan are going on a date night for food and a film without the kids tomorrow evening, which is actually pretty exciting.