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Trying to be content with being alone

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by NoBrainer, Aug 1, 2015.

  1. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I thought I would post a new thread on this topic as I thought my limited experience could be of use to some people, and I'd love to hear if others have had more experience in this area.

    Perhaps one of the reasons we PMO is for fear of facing the real world. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, or fear of initiating or maintaining a relationship. Yet we chastise ourselves to our own demise by indulging in self pleasure.

    Personally, I struggle with loneliness. Not trying to put myself down here, but some context is important. I'm a virgin. Never been on a date, never kissed someone etc... I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life alone. Yet I'm shy as shit, and can rarely find the courage to talk to women who I find attractive.

    One of the things I have learnt on this journey is that in order to find someone naturally (haven't quite got there yet), we must be at peace with being alone. This topic has already been covered in detail by @Buddha Punk Robot Monk , but I thought I could contribute by detailing how I am improving my contentment with being single.

    Additionally, this video came up in another thread, which I thought was useful. (Thanks @doctor_warren for posting :))

    So, I have tried to face my fear of being alone, with... well... practicing being alone. I went on a small trip and camped on my own for 2 nights (it was bloody freezing! :rolleyes:). While this is nothing particularly special, I was able to practice dealing with what it's like to be truly alone, with your own being and own self. This may be true for us in everyday life, however for the most part we're always distracted with something.

    The initiative of this trip was simple. No distractions, no normal comforts, no internet, no constant updates or notifications. Just me, with myself, in a small town out in the country. I walked up the nearby mountain in the rain, which was fairly miserable. In fact the whole trip was fairly miserable, but that was half the point. It was a sufferfest. And having come back from it, I'm glad I did it. For we do need to face our fears at some point. I really should do it again sometime, possibly for longer next time.

    It did push me to want to just go and do what I've been wanting out of life. So in conclusion (sorry for the rant), it is important to be content with being single. Isolation can be a gift as well as a burden. It's what you make of it. Initiating a relationship should be a way of adding to your personality, not trying to replace an empty void, for the sake of you and the other person.


    Anyway, I hope this can be of help to someone, especially some of the younger guys on here.

    (Note: for clarification on a few things, particularly about isolation with respect to this thread, click here. I was perhaps not clear about how I structured my thoughts in the original post).
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2015
  2. Congrelous

    Congrelous Fapstronaut

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    I think I need the opposite. I need to be with myself much, much less.

    I've been a loner all my life. It makes me uncomfortable to not be alone for too long.

    That trip sounds great. It's easy to lose perspective in this space-age-a-go-go world of ours.
     
  3. Really love the idea about the camping alone. That is brilliant.

    Allowing ourselves to feel all of our emotions, whether pleasurable or painful. It is the only way to heal and find true peace and freedom, to know ourselves inside out.

    For the past year, or maybe a little longer, I have just been allowing myself to completely detox from ANY form of societal conditioning. I am realising that the whole Matrix we live in is bullshit. The term "Earth" and "World" are completely two different things. The "World" is a construction of rules and ideas set by people who wish to brainwash us from seeing things for what they are, to stop us coming from a place of wholeness with each other.

    We are told that it's cool to be a part of social media, we are told that it's cool to have the latest phone, we are told that it's cool to be this and that. We've forgotten what's real.

    In the poisonous "world" we live in today, I'd say that one has an advantage being alone. Everything you need is already inside of you.
    I know, many will think it's selfish me saying that being alone is a great thing. We've even been lied to that having a large group of friends is the way to go. People have made rules based off of their own insecurities.

    Let me tell you something man, you've really not missed out on that much by being single and a virgin. Until you find the absolute right woman for you, having sex is pointless. It is shoved in our face all day long that we need to be approaching women for this and for that, to go out on this date and that date. For what reason? Save your money and wait for your soul mate. Jesus, the amount of dates I've been on. I've met some nice ladies, and I've had some nice relationships, but back then my mindset was so different. I couldn't be single for too long.

    Now I'm becoming a much more developed man who does not need to find his own value in a woman or in a relationship. My eyes are opening. After so long, I am becoming more and more free.
    I'm not a MGTOW. I don't feel that it's even necessary to go to that extreme. I just don't think that we need ANYONE to give us a sense of value, whether it's a female or male. If we feel that way, then something is severely wrong.

    There's nothing wrong with being alone. Enjoy it.
    Who said that we as men need to always be the ones to approach women? Again, this is where societal conditioning comes into play. We need to question everything with logic. How and why should that even make sense?

    I guess the idea is to stop being needy. If I feel that I "NEED" a woman, then again, something is wrong. We were made to have and build enough love for ourselves to stand on our own two feet.

    We feel inclined to be in relationships because we have a soul mate. We were not intended to just date every Tom, Dick and Harry. There is one person you're supposed to be with. I just think it's us who complicates things.

    As I'm detoxing from all the bullshit I've learned since childhood, I'm just allowing myself to process the lonely feeling. Just allow yourself to sit there with it. Let the intense feeling of loneliness just pass through your body. We are supposed to feel every single emotion that passes through us.

    Some souls were made gay, some souls were made heterosexual. This was done for variety in the universe. There is someone for everyone. I could go deeper about the whole soul thing, but will only go further with it if questions are asked, otherwise it's just me rambling.

    Trust me dude, you don't even have to go out looking for someone to date. As you cultivate your desires and passions and heal any injuries that you may have towards the opposite gender, you'll attract your soul mate.

    The more we absolutely detox from what society classes as right or wrong, the more truth about the universe we can actually discover. There are universal truths that were lost thousands of years ago, before the "world" system became a thing. Whether people want to believe that or not is up to them.
     
    Clerk373, HopeFaith, XPiRED and 10 others like this.
  4. BlackVelvet

    BlackVelvet Fapstronaut

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    Bonjour

    I like this thread because I was actually thinking about this topic a few minutes before.

    Well, being content with being alone is a must for me. I'm really leaning on being single for the rest of my life even though I'm young. Staying a virgin is OK in my eyes, as well as never kissing anyone. Society makes it look "wrong" or "weird" when people just stay single. In my school, being a virgin is super uncool.


    I most certainly agree @AlltheRageBackHome we need to build ourselves up and be strong before we are in a relationship. Contentment with being alone and yourself are key.

    Au revoir,
    Ace
     

  5. I would certainly like to hear more about this soulmate thing you're talking about, could you post a thread about it? I think you're right, as long as we're our true/best selves and walk a path that is right and stay true to us we don't have to go for "trial & error". True love will find us on our own. I really agree with the needy part. I guess that's been my problem since forever. Chasing girls since forever who don't even care that i exist. Being uncomfortable with myself probably cause even i didn't know myself ( I'm getting the hang of it now). Now i am focusing on finding myself and becoming who i want to be, working on my goals& passions, until then i won't go for any girl. I am also focusing on getting my body and mind to factory settings and eliminating all my addictions. Even afterwards i won't "look" for love . If i am ready for it, it'll find me on it's own.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2015
  6. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Going to a restaurant and eating alone without distraction was the hardest thing I have ever done. You do get great service though ;). I also used to go to movies by myself all the time and actually really miss doing it. There was a 2 year period between my ex and my husband where I just got really comfortable being alone. Those were some of the best times of my life! You really learn a lot.
     
    jorgeder98 and NoBrainer like this.
  7. Verhart

    Verhart Fapstronaut

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    Talking about neediness there is a great book about it. It's called 'Models: Attract Women Through Honesty' by Mark Manson. The author breaks down the topic of attraction and explains that the most attractive men are simply not needy. I really can't summarize whole book in a few sentences but seriously - read it and your eyes will open. There are no techniques on how to pick up women(in fact author criticizes them) or no 'do that, say this'. Manson did an outstanding job in my opinion, his explanation on how honesty and being true to yourself attracts other people is mind blowing. At least it was for me, as I did fit completely into what is the definition of unattractive...
     
  8. Hey man, i thought you posted a reply earlier,did you delete it? I wasn't able to read it since i was busy.
     
  9. Could you post an ebook link for that book?
     
  10. Temujin

    Temujin Guest

    I have mixed feelings on this topic.

    I find meditation and mindfulness helps a great deal with dealing feelings of loneliness. Yet at the same time I see feelings of loneliness as 'messages'.

    If for example you burn your hand by accidentally touching a stove the pain is a message that you should not put your hand on the stove. Loneliness is an emotional pain telling you to go out and meet someone.

    I'm an introvert who can be quite happy going out and meeting people once a week and being a shut in the rest of the time. But I still need that contact. Plus hanging out with members of the opposite sex is always enjoyable.

    So I would say a balance is good. It's a useful skill learning how to cope with loneliness but at the same time I'm wary of using the excuse of 'I'm getting used to loneliness' as a way of avoiding the fear of actually getting out and socialising.

    In terms of socialising skills I am going to appear like a broken record and mention Non-Violent Communication again. I feel shyness dissipates once I have connected with someone. I feel this helps greatly with connecting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2015
  11. Humans are designed to be enjoyed like a sunset
    Or a lake sparkling in an alpine valley

    You cannot possess a sunset

    You do not need it for life
    Or even for that more mysterious requirement
    Called self-fulfillment

    But a sunset fills your heart with beauty

    Transports you to realms beyond normal life
    Makes you think of times gone and times to come
    And the resiliency and power
    That is within all flesh

    Why have we made others into a need
    Instead of something that at a moment
    Bursts into our lives
    Like a stab of light
    From the heavens

    Perhaps we need to relearn
    The Unexpectedness
    Of friend and lover
    And family, like the old familiar spot
    Where you go to see the water sparkle
    In the morning light

    What stabs can also pain
    And for some the gentle illumination
    Of half heard-whispers
    In tree, leaf, bark and fur
    Is of itself sufficient

    In all things we are
    Sufficient unto ourselves
    While being utterly dependent
    On the entire universe
     
  12. Philip1990

    Philip1990 Fapstronaut

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    always had a problem with that. I have a problem connection with people as i got super high standards after breakup. i am alone for a year now. The people i have get to know in that time are super selfish , didnt care about me. i dont know but somehow i dont connect with people.

    But i feel like i need them to feel fullfilled. this is super selfish if you think about them. But being isolated is not good either.

    dont know what to do regards being content with alone. Having no connection with other people is not healthy ->my opinion


    will follow this topic.
     
    Clerk373 likes this.
  13. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    You can feel lonely with friends as well. Lonely is an internal state and friends can sometimes be a distraction away from that internal state. Making peace with it helps you understand that I think. Is hanging out with people you don't enjoy better than being alone? I don't think so. I used to hang out with a bunch of people I didn't really like but the more I got used to being comfortable by myself and being alone the more I could be picky about who I became friends with. Now my friends add to my life rather than just being a "filler". Hopefully that makes sense. It also helps you choose better romantic partners because you can be more picky and only let the good ones in :)
     
  14. bhai_babu

    bhai_babu Fapstronaut

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    It's not good. My best friends have become distant lately. I so wish I could reach out to them but we have different views. I remember the times quite vividly when they used to come in and smile and hug. But none of that anymore. It's hard but I am trying hard to get used to being lonely.


    I ended up reading books instead haha and watching lectures. So I would say spend time on productive pursuits. I would love to let people know this is what I got upto. Just to listen and be there... It would be nice. That's why I have a nofap journal.
     
    Clerk373 likes this.
  15. doctor_warren

    doctor_warren Fapstronaut

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    Inspiring story @NoBrainer and thank you haha

    I think a good way to become comfortable is to be alone just as you did. Becoming anonymous and interacting with strangers is a good idea I think. Learning to just ask for directions, talk about hiking and good places to go.

    I think a lot of people allow their subtle little mistakes to make them feel ashame as if everyone knows their mistakes when in reality no one really cares. Being alone and interacting with strangers is a good way to just feel the experience of talking to people in its purest form imo
     
  16. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys. I appreciate your replies. :) I just wanted to clarify that I am not encouraging anyone to isolate themselves from other people. Encouraging yourself to stay at home or not engage with others for the sake of becoming content with loneliness is a rationalisation to not conquer your fears, (or work on your fears). Part of rebooting is about distancing yourselves from the person that you once were when you were PMOing. The dependence to PMO can lead us to become hermits, which is not healthy for us. So by all means, enjoy yourself when you can, go out with your friends, talk to new people and make new friends.

    I think @Limeaid is right, saying that loneliness is an internal phenomenon and one can feel lonely with other people. Personally, I've felt the most lonely when I've been with other people, actually. If I wanted to talk to someone at a social event, but couldn't pluck up the courage, or someone left an event early, or if I was with people (who could be good friends) and I couldn't relate to them on some level. The feeling was quite definite, as if a distinct neurochemical was being released in my brain, and I could feel it, although one could only describe this experience as emotion.

    What I am trying to do here is use 'loneliness' as a motivator for change. If you go out (into the wilderness say), and experience what it's like, and you outlast it and return to your normal life, I believe you will come back stronger in the knowing that it's up to you to make a change. Whatever it may be. Be it making new friends or talking to people more, trying to connect with people on a fundamental (not superficial level), or trying to find a partner or soulmate. Nothing is going to happen if you don't take action. The universe will keep on keeping on by itself without you, so it's up to you to make a change in order to affect your future, and your reality.
     
    HopeFaith and (deleted member) like this.
  17. FreedomIsHere

    FreedomIsHere Fapstronaut

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    I've grew up being independent as a kid so I'm used to being alone a lot. Sometimes it's nice to be alone but I can understand those feelings of loneliness sometimes. I also had those fears of being alone forever and never finding a woman either, pretty much in the same boat as you. I feel it's just a matter of enjoying life when you're single and you learn how to grow independently. It's key to find happiness when we're single so when that special someone comes, you're not just relying on them to get happiness in life. You want to be a strong individual and have your own life and interests. I'm still pretty young and I'm not too worried about that kind of stuff. It'll happen when it's time.
     
    NoBrainer likes this.
  18. Verhart

    Verhart Fapstronaut

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  19. Im new to the forum but I just wanted to give a +1 to Models. Its the first book I read where it was even suggested porn and mastrubation, where not so good for our health and happiness. He talks a lot about vunerability, its the theme of the book. And having read up a lot about that subject and put it into every day practice, I can say that if you feel lonely, its a direct reflection on how much you're willing to be vunerable. You're not being yourself, being honest with yourself and others, you keep your cards close to your chest, you dont risk rejection and in general youre standoffish. Brene Brown wrote a book about vunerability and its immense(Daring greatly). She also gave a great TED talk on the subject which is one of the most viewed TED talks ever.
     
    HopeFaith likes this.
  20. sandwich77

    sandwich77 Fapstronaut

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    I have experience with one thing along this subject. Going to concerts/shows alone.

    It started with wanting to see music that was coming to town, and trying to get people to go with me. Quite often what would happen is -

    1. They'd agree, but then it would become such a big deal with getting ready, changing plans, or general confusion - that we'd be late.
    2. They'd agree, and then decide they didn't want to go after all - and so feeling somehow dependent on their company - I would miss the music I wanted to see and not go either.
    3. Most often, they don't want to go at all.

    So I started going alone, and it was kind of weird at first - felt weird and I was nervous. Something I noticed though? When I'm with other people - I usually don't wind up getting into conversations with strangers. When I'm by myself - people very often start talking to "me" - without me even having to say anything. And another neat thing is I don't feel tied to another person and their happiness about the situation - like if they feel miserable, feel it because of their mood - I don't feel like I somehow need to make sure they're comfortable or something - which can be a real nightmare. Wind up leaving just because they don't like the music or something, usually mood stuff - if there's some type of definite issue - then of course, let's go or something.

    But usually people generally with going alone in my experience with seeing music, are wanting to enjoy themselves and be happy - and people are pretty nice.

    Now it's gotten to where I have a hard time even wanting to go to concerts with other people. This even transformed into driving 3,000 miles away from home on my own, and living on the road in a way (no hotels, camping, sleeping in vehicle, cooking food with backpacking stove, etc.) to go to a festival that had basically about 80% of my very favorite new music bands from all over the world playing in one place over 3 days - and at least 60% I never would have gotten to see in my own home town. Then, the next year - having lost the vehicle the year before - taking a greyhound bus to the same festival - which took a couple days straight - and seeing more bands I'd never see otherwise that I really liked. Both were amazing, and I would say, life changing adventures!

    I think tying this in to the actual subject matter, realizing I'm kind of saying all this out of left field (I was relating it to camping alone) is doing whatever we really want to do, despite if anyone else wants to do it or not with us. If we do whatever we want to do - then we're being true to ourselves - and so that's a source of contentment and self-esteem - not only are we single relationship wise, but all around wise - and surviving the situations (of course). At the same time, we're connecting with other people through the activity - and so we're not alone - we're sharing it with others, whatever it is.

    I support your efforts in doing what you want to do alone. Going to concerts alone is fun too! :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2015
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