Trust Recovery 101

Generally men want to make their woman happy. Disclosing to her when you slip up will obviously hurt her and you don’t want to be the cause of that hurt. I want to let you in on a secret about women- it’s the lie that will hurt 100% more than the slip up. The slip up will sting and she will have many negative emotions- probably wondering why she’s not good enough, wondering if you’re trying, wondering if she should stay or leave- along with many other thoughts. This is why you probably lie- so she doesn’t have to think these things. You want to protect her from all of it.
Unfortunately it will come out at some point and when it does that’s when she will become 100% more upset than if you’d just be honest in the first place.

 

Absolutely true. The lies do something permanent to a woman in all aspects of her life.

 

is it exclusive to women? i'd like to think i am both the manliest woman and the hetero-friendly bi-sperience

 

Never lie. In my situation the straw for me leaving him is ONE more lie. Not the act of PMO itself, but the flat out lie or omission.

 

same. and it came with buddies.

 

cake was commenting on what lies do to a woman.

 

@bobbyfunland
The constant lying and being caught destroyed the trust in my relationship badly. I told my partner over 3 years ago in the beginning of our relationship that she was all I need, and I don’t watch porn. When she uncovered my secrete life and saw that the content I was watching.
It was primarily focused on the one female feature that she’s used to hate he body for. I can’t believe what I did! I told her over the years that she is perfect , I wouldn’t have her any other way (I wasn’t lying when I said that) I truly do think she is the most beautiful girl in the world but when she saw what I was watching it really made it all cut deeper.
I’ve turned into a person I would hate if I met them! A selfish, lying, disrespectful lazy cu*t!
I’m only new to nofap, yesterday I made an account. I’m in the 4th day of my reboot from pmo. Im so determined to restore my partners trust that I’ve haven’t got the urge to watch or browse through porn at all.. I know this is the calm before the storm, I just hope I don’t get lost in the storm. This is my last chance or she is going to leave me.
I’m ready to do it!!!!

 

if only my partner of three years had come to the same conclusions. i'll admit, reading your post made me cry because i wished you were him.

here's an alternate reality of you; he knows these things, but the passion behind self-awareness....he lacks that strength of character. how can you tell somebody you desire a true loving relationship with them and yet lack the desire to work on the internal obstacles?

i have no faith in him, at all, because right away this to me is a contradiction of the very nature of love. he lies frequently. knowing that he lies and knowing that he doesn't really want to work on the problems in our way....well, doesn't that make it most likely that he is also lying about wanting a healthy relationship? and the L word? probably also beside the truth. I am falling out of love with him, and working on dissolving the residual strong feelings so i can move on/heal from the deep wounds my self-image and self-confidence have accumulated. i am a very dedicated and loving person, but my ability to trust in others is destroyed. i hope to have a healthy fulfilling love relationship some day and i know i won't be able to until all of these things are restored and i feel whole again. it may take me many years. more than anything i feel sorrow and loss, because i still feel like we were a great match. even if he continued to struggle with quitting P, i would have felt dedicated to stick by his side through that if he had the courage to stop the lying. nobody is perfect and nobody can make an immediate change. your girlfriend certainly cannot expect that of you. she knows you love her if you are willing to admit your mistakes and let her in when you are vulnerable. if you won't let your guard down and continue to shield your ego from the pain she experiences when you PMO, then you are essentially choosing to hurt her at no expense to yourself. that is not love. at the very least, allow the mistakes to hurt you as much as they hurt her. admit the fuck ups. let her into your processing and constructively seek solutions to the PMO problem. let her be there for you and be there for her when she needs reassurance that she is actually whom you desire and love.

it might be very difficult for you at first, but make the commitment to eliminate any and all lying, omissions, or acts of deception first and foremost. she will not leave you over the PMO, but she will be heart-broken if you choose to lie to her for it. that choice tells her not only "your body isn't what i desire sexually" but it compounds the statement into "your feelings are negligible compared to how strongly i desire [NOT you] sexually." you will need to have the courage to address slip-ups when they happen, and she will have to be able to mediate her emotional response when you hold yourself acccountable. you will be vulnerable to her criticism, but if you truly want to save the relationship from your PMO then you will humbly give her that power in your recovery. it is also her recovery from the hurt she felt/feels. it will heal and the trust can heal, but only if you are consistently honest and consistently strong enough to accept her feelings/responses. if she loves you she will recognize the effort this takes and respect that this is not easy for you. once this dynamic is established, the recovery from the PMO will be a team effort and well worth the work. you could come out of this with a much greater love and appreciation in the relationship than ever would you have had without any hardships.

good luck, i do wish you the best. i know you can make something wonderful of this challenge. make honesty your religion.

 

p.s. i highly recommend ghost writer if ever you need counsel on issues relating to the process of restoring trust while struggling with PA. he knows exactly what you are about to go through and his wisdom is invaluable.

(sorry GW, maybe we can pay it forward since my SO missed out)

 

Yes = I am angry, confused and hurt over the sex addiction, but absolutely, irrevocably, heartbroken over the deception.

Yes, and that one-two punch has made me question my own self-worth like nothing else I have experienced.