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Trust My Feelings

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by breakmylove, Jun 20, 2017.

  1. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    He called me 15 minutes after I left the house to run a few errands,
    saying he was taking a walk because he felt some urges. We just moved a few weeks ago and were away on a family vacation last week so he really hasn’t had alone time. We had an argument while on vacation because I told him I was uncomfortable that he didn’t remove himself from a situation that made me uncomfortable. He was angry and told me he doesn’t know what’s going to upset me or make me uncomfortable. This was literally the only thing I had said on our trip that I wasn’t okay with, which I reminded him. He said it upset him because his recovery is going well and he felt okay in the situation. I regret raising my voice when I said it, but I told him that my feelings matter too and that it’s not fair that just because he’s doing well that I should automatically be fine too. It was already stressful enough that we were on vacation at the same place he assaulted me two years ago.

    During our nightly check ins for the past couple weeks he says “good day, no urges, feel good” end of conversation. I’ve been trying to pull more out of him these last couple days, trying to always include mindfulness and see if he will reflect more on moments in his day vs. overall. Because to me, the little blips during the day where you have to practice mindfulness and be alert are important. It means a lot to me to hear about those moments where a challenging situation or an unwanted thought popped up but was not suppressed or ignored. For my own recovery with self-harm and eating disorders, acknowledging my unwanted/intrusive thoughts was crucial. By ignoring them, they would pile up and eventually weighed heavily enough to cause a relapse.

    I have travel plans to visit very close friends two weekends this summer. I don’t want to go anymore. I feel so anxious about leaving him alone, I just can’t trust him. I value our check-ins and open communication but it hurts so bad sometimes. My self esteem is in the fucking gutter. I recorgnize that I often feel lonely despite spending so much time with him. We’ve been having sex again, which has been fine, but I do have sudden moments of panic that only last a second or two. Just quick pangs - that I’m being used, that I’m not satisfying, that I’m not truly desirable, that there’s nothing novel about me as a sexual partner, that my attractiveness is nothing special anymore.

    I’m supposed to feel safe with my partner. I’m supposed to feel loved and valued, but I can’t feel it. He compliments me daily and tells me how he wishes I wasn’t insecure and could believe his compliments. But why can’t I feel it?

    After this 2nd d-day, I had my moments where I wished I didn’t love him. I don’t feel them anymore, but I’m reflecting on them to learn how to separate myself and my feelings from his well-being. How to prioritize my own happiness and needs, completely separate from his. It’s difficult. I feel a lot of joy and satisfaction from knowing that I’m a good partner, but not at my own expense. Been there, done that. Not interested in pretending my suffering is worth a damn thing.

    I’m going to open up another conversation with him about what happened today. I need to stop accepting “good day!” as a satisfactory check-in.
     
  2. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, I definitely agree on not vacationing there again and it was something I went back and forth about. It’s his family’s vacation home for 20+ years. He had even talked about buying it at one point. I will choose not to attend future vacations there.

    I know what you mean, I can’t pout and stomp my feet about life being unfair. What I really meant was it hurts me that he can’t recognize that as a partner, he should respect and value my feelings. But yeah... thinking out loud it becomes “it’s not fair that my feelings don’t matter as much as yours”.

    Thanks again, I really appreciate you talking the time to read my unnecessarily long posts haha.
     
  3. I understand all the things you're describing...the insecurity, doubt, worry, your feeling's not seeming important. It's all valid and normal. It takes time to work through it all. I'm sorry you're struggling.

    One good thing, though...yea that he called you and went for a walk instead of giving in to the urges!:)
     
  4. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your support I agree and am definitely proud of him for being stronger than the urges!
     
    hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  5. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I couldn't help but feel for you reading your initial post. I am a PA but had my SO go through a terrible journey of discovery and loss of trust. I am on a recovery journey with my SO, on a different branch than what you are, not that my indiscretions are less or more severe.

    I know it may be against all PA's in recovery but you have obviously suffered some physical as well as mental abuse, I had to Google gas lighting and this must have been so demeaning for you. You really need to be in recovery and I would suggest that this is done single. The mechanics of how you would do this living together may be complicated but if he is serious about recovery he needs to acknowledge your need for it too. Your recovery is actually more important as the damage he has caused is deeper for SO's than PA's. Trust, self respect/ self worth takes a very long time to rebuild.

    As a side note, reading into the aspects around family etc. that you have mentioned I would question your future together and look at this objectively. I am restraining to say leave outright as even relationships without addiction can be complex but make sure to take care of yourself and then you can look at caring for someone else, whether its this person or someone else.

    Take care and all the best on your journey whichever route it takes.

    p.s. I hope I haven't overstepped the mark on advice as I am a PA in recovery. If your PA wants a good recovery book check out my signature.
     
  6. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for reading, it means a lot. I would definitely agree and have realized that my recovery is slowed down due to us living together/focusing on his recovery. You’re absolutely right about him needing to be sensitive and acknowledging my needs. This is actually something I’m currently struggling with following a conversation we had a few nights ago where he shared that he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset/affected by his addiction. Thank you again and wishing you and your SO the best!
     
    Recovering PA likes this.
  7. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Feeling disappointed this morning. We had a conversation two nights ago during a check-in that hasn’t sat right with me. I communicated what more I was looking for during the daily check-ins. I said that I’d like to know any mindfulness checks he did during the day, positive habits (ex. not bringing his phone in the bathroom), if he had any urges/intrusive thoughts and how he handled them... basically anything more than “good day”. He responded pretty well but was irritated that I hadn’t communicated this earlier.


    Then he said he wanted to share something that has been frustrating him for a while. He said he didn’t understand why I care/am upset by his PA since it’s something that existed before I was “even a thought”. He said he’s tried to put himself in my shoes to understand why I’m so personally affected by it but doesn’t understand since it has nothing to do with me. He told me the way I talk to him reminds him of Catholic school and how they shame what people do in private. It was just... bad.


    Even writing this and thinking about it again is so disheartening. I feel like I was wrong to react the way I did but I raised my voice and told him it has everything to do with me. Because the PA affects the way he treats other people, his attitude towards women, his feelings about himself, EVERYTHING. I decided to try and put things in perspective for him. I asked him if he would care if I left him alone and rejected so I could watch P instead, if he would care if I treated his body like an object, hurt him and then asked how he could possibly be upset by it, etc... My response was purely emotional and now I’m wishing I had thought it out more rather than explode.


    I’m still just so shocked. I’m assuming it was his PA speaking trying to make his behavior excusable and diminish my feelings as a form of self-preservation? I have no idea. Hopefully the next conversation goes better and he’s thought about the other night even half as much as I have.
     
  8. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

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    Upsetting entry, I feel for you. Your PA does not understand his addiction at all and from my observation is still in it, hopefully I'm wrong.

    There are a lot of resources on the net to aid and guide recovery Dr Doug Weiss is a great starting point (a self confessed PA himself) I listened to his videos with my SO in the early days and it helped, i moved on to my biggest insperation and turning point 'the man of her dreams the woman of his' the link is in my signature.

    Every journey is different and we have to walk on our own path but please remember whichever direction you travel to be true to yourself (the inner you) and you can and will be happy again.
     
    breakmylove likes this.
  9. breakmylove

    breakmylove Fapstronaut

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    Will definitely check those out! Thank you so much
     
    Recovering PA likes this.

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