Trouble finding my voice/consequences

edit; i’m new and just realized some of this could be triggering, just a warning. i would hate to think i created this problem for someone else. i’m going to edit but please don’t read this if that sounds dangerous to you!

Hey all. I’m in the early stages of taking action against my SO pmo problems. I’ve known about it for a while and would stay awake at night thinking about if i was paranoid, or if i was over reacting. i really wanted to not care. i’m kind of a push over with him. ( in all other realms i’m not but i have low self esteem so husband control just doesn’t come naturally. ) i wanted to believe him when he said he only does it once a month. i’ve had so many talks about how i’ve been in other relationships where people ignore me entirely for porn. i created this account and spend long hours restlessly reading about how porn ruins the relationships of you lovely people and felt some small amount of self advocacy. also background he’s an ex-alcoholic and now an addicted to marijuana (yes it’s possible) person. but pot doesn’t kill him so i’m okay with it. basically i’m an enabler and he’s an addict of all things.
sorry this is so long
so! two/three maybe weeks ago i wrote a long letter that took me days to craft and edit and be concise about how porn affects people and relationships and how i literally don’t care about what he does besides two things; 1- don’t drink anymore (pancreatitis so like he’ll literally die if he continues to so i find this reasonable) 2-look at porn. i think it’s disgusting and the only way i can see being okay with it ever is if we have an open relationship. he did not want an open relationship and eventually after a lot of “i’ll try”s said he would stop. he really looked like he understood my pain and was actually going to stop. he at first was like,”oh what so you just never want me to masturbate again!?” to which i said “can you without porn?” the silence explained itself and i told him if porn and masturbation we’re really important in his life than i would understand and we could find a solution where i can feel i get some attention elsewhere (because that is what it will take for me to continue to be married and know he pmo). honestly if it was a thing he admitted he was unwilling to stop i would just accept it and heal myself with my own form of cheating (terrible i know. i’ve done it in the past when i feel awful. but i don’t want to dishonestly with my husband i take our love very seriously and don’t want to lie) he said he could give it up for me.
after that i installed everaccountable on his phone. i didn’t tell him. I KNOW i should have told him but he would never have let me and he would be mad if he knew i did it without telling him. i just wanted to see if he would keep this promise. just to know how good his word is.
two weeks go by and it’s good. lots of sex, the ED he was experiencing was getting better and there was no porn. i checked the log everyday. huuuuray.

but this morning i checked the reports and at 2:30 in the morning the night before last he looked at a “hot chicks tumblr”. also for the record i’m a somnophiliac (i have my own issues yes but i stopped letting that affect our relationship.) so he knows i’m always down to be woken up for sex. he actually did twice this week before this and i was very grateful and told him how happy i was that he woke me up because it’s a turn on blahblah. but then “hot chicks tumblr”? what the hell.


..,now what. it’s not really porn....per se. and now i’m remembering him saying he was having trouble sleeping that night in the morning. i’m so angry but when i thinking about talking to him about it i shut down. i want to just ask “so how is the no-porn going” and catch him lying but what good does that do if i can’t make consequences.
i just want to push him away now. my reaction to everything is be supportive and stew silently.
......so is tumblr porn? does not being able to sleep give him an excuse? if i tell him about the everaccountable will he be angry? will he just delete it and then i don’t even get to have the proof? what should i do as consequence? or should i just pretend it didn’t happen and wait for it to get bad again. uhg. i’m sorry that’s so long and thank you for reading if you did. i love you all for being a community i can share with. i have no one else to talk to

 

i agree with the person of me being untruthful, i do feel pretty terrible and i’m going to tell him when i grow the spine. but i’m glad you agree because i know when i do he’ll figure out how to hide and lie again. he’s fairly smart.

update; i asked him point blank if he was using it again. he says no. i asked if he was sure three times and swore on his life he hadn’t. i also asked him if he understood why i was upset and he said “kind of”. so i asked him if i could look on his phone for evidence which he agreed to. (obviously i’m not going to find anything unless it’s the report i’ve already seen. so i gave it back and said nothing. i left it as “i want you to stop for me obviously but i want you to want to. which i know seems like a strange sentence but it’s so important if we’re going to be married successfully”
i’m going to reprint my letter and tell him about the software