Triggers, trust, healing

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Warrior and seeker of TRUTH, Aug 5, 2019.

  1. How do you work through triggers? How about a time of the day that is hard?

    After D day, everything in life was a trigger. Driving down the road, getting a cup of coffee, you name it. It is soooo much better now. There are some triggers that are still a big struggle. Has anyone ever struggled with times of the day? I start to get this guarded feeling, and a flood of ???? that come flooding in late evening. It can even kick in when I'm distracting myself with other things.

    When I see my husband on a device in the evening, it also really ignites this trigger response. This is just the beacon, the ice berg. Underneath, I feel all the times he chose to act out such as with this particular device and in the evenings (even though this happened at all times of the day. Well, actually I recall the worse acting out and most painful times after D day has happened mostly in the evening. Huh, no wonder I'm scared). Underneath, I also fell the disrespect for not understanding what I need to feel safe for a time, the desire to connect intimately with him but not sure if it is safe, and all sorts of questions...... He has finally been willing to put some accountability software on the device (this does help) and some other things around that. Reevaluating this piece in a few weeks.

    In conversation, if he gets defensive, fight or flight kicks in. He lacks empathy when what I'm really wanting is reassurance, and care. It is slowly improving. We can have an over all good day, and we start engaging in conversation and it often doesn't go so well. Maybe it feels so big because it isn't just the environmental triggers, it is trying to navigate through the pain, learning to work through the emotions, and just relational stuff like conflict resolution, and communication. I really don't believe this is a hopeless situation, but it often feels that way in it. Do I just need to get it out? If this time of day can be replaced with some kind of really safe structure maybe over time it won't feel so scary? I hope he can continue to work with me on creating safety, building trust, and finding a good routine for him. This part of recovery is super tough.
     
  2. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    @Warrior and seeker of TRUTH,

    This is what I've seen with the women I've spoken with--and in my own recovering years with my husband's addiction:

    It's more about WHAT he's doing than the timing of it. (He's using the very thing he used to destroy trust.)

    And it also may be helpful to know it's not just that specific behavior of using the device that's triggering you. He also may be sending the message that you aren't a priority, which usually triggers women. He does this in how he fights you when the issue is raised.

    I wish I had more time to write on this, because there's more I'd like to stay. If interested, direct message me so I'll know to get back out here (I am hardly out here anymore), and I'll write back as time permits.

    Take care,
    L
     
  3. All of what you said resonates with me, and we have cycled around this particular issue pretty much since he moved back in. There is this stepping on toes with each other's recovery needs and wants, and what it takes to restore the relationship. It hurts. It is confusing. Boundaries/his recovery/my recovery/restoration of the marital relationship. Also, I am fairly new to this, and will check back to find where you can direct message. Couldn't find it at first glance...
     
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I triggered myself awake from 5-630a for the last 2 years , his only “ alone time “ before work . Whelp fast fwd I wasn’t wrong .
     

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