So the last few days have been pants! I slept on the sofa last night. As my PA (in recovery)left this morning i felt like like messaging him F*CK YOU. but i thought venting here would be more healthy. So here i am.... It's been a while since I've been triggered. A couple of weeks ago over Easter I observed my first ogling incident. It was hot and a young slim relative had shorts and teeshirt on. My PA was watching her walk away as my brother was talking and it became obvious he was no-longer present, then he disappeared straight to the loo. (don't need need to tell you what was in my mind...nothing good, I counted what was a reasonable time and he reappeared). I tried to discuss it later but couldn't get the words out. Left it 24hrs and then managed to discuss it rationally... That it's common after leaving PMO to start ogling, that this is something that needs addressing too. He said he had no awareness of this at all...i said you have now! I had no emotions and dealt with that completely rationally. Brilliant i thought, i'm making progress too. Move on to this weekend. We both stood outside his works van, and I remembered searching it for evidence after DDAY. I asked have you ever kept sexually explicit material on this van? "no never " he replied. And it hit me again...i don't want to live like this...questioning, afraid I've missed something and it's worse that it appears, not knowing the whole truth. Guess that's what happens when trust is destroyed. I walked off to the veggie patch, he later came and asked if I was ok... We later tried to discuss it, but got interrupted by the kids. Tried to explain half of me was doing well, and the other half of still thinks being single for the rest of my life would be better ('cause i can be certain about myself). He said well he doesn't think that! he could!...but chooses to be 100% invested in us. That he isn't a PA anymore, that he's left porn behind and is never going back. I said here's a reality check you still are.... but started recovery. It's likely 18 months to 3 years before you can say your brain is rewired and you've learn new ways to cope with life and even then there's no guarantee it's a won battle. Think he's still in denial about the magnitude of this, says there will be no relapses (full stop)....maybe he will just find it easy, who knows? But here's the thing! the thing I struggle with the most. It's everywhere, and once you know about this thing you see it everywhere - in relationships even if the partner is oblivious, in society, at places of work, and even in places where we would expect to feel safe. I'm so angry 3 months on that this is back in my bubble... i resent him for it. There i've said it! HOW HAVE I GOT TO 45 YEARS OLD and been oblivious to how bad this is? * one colleagues partner had multiple affairs - what did she do? marry him. * Another was caught in cam sex sites - They agreed after councelling that one Friday a month he could carry on because of childhood trauma....what? * A local school primary teacher was caught on cam sex site - he's still married, she's a head teacher nothing was done. Nobody seems aware that this can escalate to child porn. Lets just ignore it then? * I work in an ICU keeping critically ill people safe, often unconscious on life support. My male colleagues x2 S.A's without doubt, the rest probably P.A's but defo high recreational use, even colleagues I once respected I find - no! they are part of the porn gang too. Are patients safe - one would hope so, but the honest answer is no! *An A&E Nurse - now in Prison for Porn, Filming children and Necrophilia. *A Dr was struck off for photographing patients penis's on his phone. *when I look at who I've dated in last 10years. I see now another one of them was a S.A (a paramedic - people we trust in society ) God knows what the porn use of the others were. *Then there was the sex offender who raped 2 girls came into the icu with 2 guards - his wife visited and said it wasn't his fault it was all a misunderstanding! - Yeh right! wake up women, and stand up for the right thing! I could go on...but whats the point you get the picture. I had a paedophile shove his tongue down my throat when i was 16,(i just ran away and it didnt effect me much) and an Ambulance colleague slapped my butt so hard my eyes watered and he said he was gonna drag me in the bushes and f*ck me (married and still working... I said i wouldn't work with him again) I count myself lucky i haven't had worse experiences - But this whole thing makes me angry, it makes my blood boil. I don't want anything to do with any of it.... Why my partner chose me i dunno, I've asked him how he thought a secret porn habit was gonna play out? Answer: "i didn't think". He already knew i was strong, he already knew i had stood up against this, he knew which side of the fence I was on. Yet in his mind he'd never harmed anybody, he wasn't one of 'whose' men. Rather he'd protected women - and now realises he was a hypocrite. So Where is the safety? really? nowhere from what I can see. It's just luck if you don't get assaulted, molested, lied to, manipulated or fooled at some point in your life. And luck too if you don't have this in your relationship....because sure as hell you never even knew about this when you started out. For the most part the retraumised/PTSD has left me, but Yep i still feel BETRAYED! I work in an ICU. Just before christmas i took my partner away for his birthday, he posted on fb about how lucky he was, we had a fantastic time. We travelled home Christmas eve and i had to pull a night shift. Didn't want to but its my job. I just focused on getting through the shift and couldn't wait to get home the next morning. Unfortunately it was a shift from hell a young man with a long history of addiction had drunk himself to death, his organs were shutting down he was dieing. He was on full life support, it took every bit of skill, experience and energy i have to try to save him. His mother and brother sat by his bed the whole night and watched me trying to save the life of the person they loved, part of my job is to help them cope with the trauma too by connecting to them (yes it's connection that makes things better not disconnection). At 6am christmas morning despite my efforts he died. It's unusual for me to be upset with my job, but this pushed my buttons probably because i knew this was gonna be with this mother and brother for the rest of their lives - every christmas. This is what ADDICTION does!!! causes pain. i cried on the way home. My partner was there pleased to see me full of excitement, cooked me special breakfast - i was emotionally flat, but recovered by the next day. Finding out he did PMO that night (that he chose to have virtual sex with a women on a screen), when i was missing him and trying to save a life.. HURTS. Finding out he's an addict too - and causing me pain, yep back to that ANGRY word. Thats why i'm venting here - not at him - he knows im angry and hurting alright! but he feels bad enough about himself, bad enough about what he did to me. he's overwhelmed with guilt now reality has hit him - any further anger from me is not gonna help a good relationship outcome or him or me probably. I am angry with myself too that i thought i'd found somebody who was safe...only to find that i'm not. But most of all i'm angry with society both men and women, nearly everybody seems to walk around like a bunch of asleep sheep. WAKE THE HELL UP! decide which side of the fence you're on. I guess the fact we are here means we are awake, or stirring. And thats brilliant - i'm learning loads off you guys, and you all give me hope. Anyway thats me, thats my thoughts on the subject. And that links to the current problem in our relationship. Neither of us feel safe. Once you discover your partner has lied Trust goes. Yes you can use your gut, intuition, watch for cues...but we dont have crystal balls. I like to be rational to work with the best available evidence. I got everything off his phone and ipad. To know what he watched, how bad it was, cause getting a full confession out of him has never happened. His habit in the evening when married was shower on - PMO from phone.Get up early, walk dog, PMO before anybody else was up - have breakfast get on with his day. What he did since with me, he's been less open about - night shifts yes! ( but not all apparently) and left me flowers by the bed every morning. When this had started to escalate back to old levels behind my back, he started getting up early and walking the dogs when i was on a night shift. To me this is old addictive behavioural patterns reemerging - fitting another dopamine hit in when i wasn't here. But he denies it. On 2 day shifts after dropping his kids off (which he normally finds upsetting, he had showered - showering when i'm not there is unusual - i asked, thats your old behaviour pattern did you PMO? - he denies it! He mentioned sex phone lines in passing twice - did he ever ring one? why mention it? He denies it. I hate having to deal with this professionally and at home. What i'm saying is finding this out about your partner is bad enough! Yes sure i get it! Yes i have great capacity to forgive - if there is truth and transparency - if this hasn't escalated to sex addiction rather than porn addiction, and if a person wants to change. But my gut says he is still not telling the whole truth. Yes probably for reasons of shame, denial, guilt, wanting to cover his own butt. He sure doesnt like hurting me either etc. But until i get to feeling i know the true extend of the addiction i'm not prepared to move forward - i tried to accept his take on it - we had to agree to disagree. But this is what triggered me this weekend and is biting my ass now. He doesn't feel safe either, he knows i'm divided. He knows if he confessed and it was over my threshold i will end it - even thou i will be sad - bloomin sad i think the world of him. He's says i know EVERYTHING, and that there is nothing more to tell. He says he didn't PMO on day shifts or early in the morning. And if i won't believe him what more can he do? Have i got it wrong?? sense tells me not, but don't know 100% that i'm right either. I talked to our therapist about full disclosure yesterday, hopefully they will both discuss it tomorrow. But i deserve truth - that's what i give. But how will i know when i've got it? So we are at an impasse - The rest of our relationship is good. He works hard, does his fair share of domestic duty, cooks, cleans, fixes. We share hobbies and interests, families get on well, he's an amazing dad, we get on well. Emotional intimacy was never a problem per say, but its better now. Our sex life is good, connected and improving. The recovery work he's covered in the last months is awesome and he is trying so hard to grow and understand himself. He so wants us to be ok, wants to be an even better parent so he can help his kids with this. I don't have any complaints about him, but this is complex and not easy. Two steps forward and one step back. We seem stuck - despite both trying - i chose the sofa for the first time. Today he's real worried. I'm not worried i'm just fed up, angry. Currently feeling, when i'd rather be thinking and empowered !! Life is short i wanna get going, in one direction or another - not feel stuck. Sorry it's a long one again, thank you all, venting helps, i hope it doesn't cause anyone distress. Any input welcome.