Triggers, emotions and society!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, May 8, 2019.

  1. So the last few days have been pants! I slept on the sofa last night. As my PA (in recovery)left this morning i felt like like messaging him F*CK YOU. but i thought venting here would be more healthy.
    So here i am....

    It's been a while since I've been triggered. A couple of weeks ago over Easter I observed my first ogling incident. It was hot and a young slim relative had shorts and teeshirt on. My PA was watching her walk away as my brother was talking and it became obvious he was no-longer present, then he disappeared straight to the loo.
    (don't need need to tell you what was in my mind...nothing good, I counted what was a reasonable time and he reappeared).
    I tried to discuss it later but couldn't get the words out. Left it 24hrs and then managed to discuss it rationally... That it's common after leaving PMO to start ogling, that this is something that needs addressing too. He said he had no awareness of this at all...i said you have now! I had no emotions and dealt with that completely rationally. Brilliant i thought, i'm making progress too.

    Move on to this weekend. We both stood outside his works van, and I remembered searching it for evidence after DDAY. I asked have you ever kept sexually explicit material on this van? "no never " he replied.

    And it hit me again...i don't want to live like this...questioning, afraid I've missed something and it's worse that it appears, not knowing the whole truth. Guess that's what happens when trust is destroyed.

    I walked off to the veggie patch, he later came and asked if I was ok...

    We later tried to discuss it, but got interrupted by the kids. Tried to explain half of me was doing well, and the other half of still thinks being single for the rest of my life would be better ('cause i can be certain about myself).
    He said well he doesn't think that! he could!...but chooses to be 100% invested in us. That he isn't a PA anymore, that he's left porn behind and is never going back.

    I said here's a reality check you still are.... but started recovery. It's likely 18 months to 3 years before you can say your brain is rewired and you've learn new ways to cope with life and even then there's no guarantee it's a won battle. Think he's still in denial about the magnitude of this, says there will be no relapses (full stop)....maybe he will just find it easy, who knows?

    But here's the thing! the thing I struggle with the most. It's everywhere, and once you know about this thing you see it everywhere - in relationships even if the partner is oblivious, in society, at places of work, and even in places where we would expect to feel safe. I'm so angry 3 months on that this is back in my bubble... i resent him for it. There i've said it!

    HOW HAVE I GOT TO 45 YEARS OLD and been oblivious to how bad this is?

    * one colleagues partner had multiple affairs - what did she do? marry him.
    * Another was caught in cam sex sites - They agreed after councelling that one Friday a month he could carry on because of childhood trauma....what?
    * A local school primary teacher was caught on cam sex site - he's still married, she's a head teacher nothing was done. Nobody seems aware that this can escalate to child porn. Lets just ignore it then?
    * I work in an ICU keeping critically ill people safe, often unconscious on life support. My male colleagues x2 S.A's without doubt, the rest probably P.A's but defo high recreational use, even colleagues I once respected I find - no! they are part of the porn gang too. Are patients safe - one would hope so, but the honest answer is no!
    *An A&E Nurse - now in Prison for Porn, Filming children and Necrophilia.
    *A Dr was struck off for photographing patients penis's on his phone.
    *when I look at who I've dated in last 10years. I see now another one of them was a S.A (a paramedic - people we trust in society ) God knows what the porn use of the others were.
    *Then there was the sex offender who raped 2 girls came into the icu with 2 guards - his wife visited and said it wasn't his fault it was all a misunderstanding! - Yeh right! wake up women, and stand up for the right thing!

    I could go on...but whats the point you get the picture.

    I had a paedophile shove his tongue down my throat when i was 16,(i just ran away and it didnt effect me much) and an Ambulance colleague slapped my butt so hard my eyes watered and he said he was gonna drag me in the bushes and f*ck me (married and still working... I said i wouldn't work with him again)
    I count myself lucky i haven't had worse experiences - But this whole thing makes me angry, it makes my blood boil. I don't want anything to do with any of it....

    Why my partner chose me i dunno, I've asked him how he thought a secret porn habit was gonna play out? Answer: "i didn't think". He already knew i was strong, he already knew i had stood up against this, he knew which side of the fence I was on. Yet in his mind he'd never harmed anybody, he wasn't one of 'whose' men. Rather he'd protected women - and now realises he was a hypocrite.

    So Where is the safety? really? nowhere from what I can see. It's just luck if you don't get assaulted, molested, lied to, manipulated or fooled at some point in your life. And luck too if you don't have this in your relationship....because sure as hell you never even knew about this when you started out.
    For the most part the retraumised/PTSD has left me, but Yep i still feel BETRAYED!

    I work in an ICU. Just before christmas i took my partner away for his birthday, he posted on fb about how lucky he was, we had a fantastic time. We travelled home Christmas eve and i had to pull a night shift. Didn't want to but its my job.
    I just focused on getting through the shift and couldn't wait to get home the next morning.

    Unfortunately it was a shift from hell a young man with a long history of addiction had drunk himself to death, his organs were shutting down he was dieing. He was on full life support, it took every bit of skill, experience and energy i have to try to save him. His mother and brother sat by his bed the whole night and watched me trying to save the life of the person they loved, part of my job is to help them cope with the trauma too by connecting to them (yes it's connection that makes things better not disconnection).
    At 6am christmas morning despite my efforts he died. It's unusual for me to be upset with my job, but this pushed my buttons probably because i knew this was gonna be with this mother and brother for the rest of their lives - every christmas. This is what ADDICTION does!!! causes pain. i cried on the way home.

    My partner was there pleased to see me full of excitement, cooked me special breakfast - i was emotionally flat, but recovered by the next day.
    Finding out he did PMO that night (that he chose to have virtual sex with a women on a screen), when i was missing him and trying to save a life.. HURTS. Finding out he's an addict too - and causing me pain, yep back to that ANGRY word.

    Thats why i'm venting here - not at him - he knows im angry and hurting alright! but he feels bad enough about himself, bad enough about what he did to me. he's overwhelmed with guilt now reality has hit him - any further anger from me is not gonna help a good relationship outcome or him or me probably. I am angry with myself too that i thought i'd found somebody who was safe...only to find that i'm not.
    But most of all i'm angry with society both men and women, nearly everybody seems to walk around like a bunch of asleep sheep.

    WAKE THE HELL UP! decide which side of the fence you're on.
    I guess the fact we are here means we are awake, or stirring. And thats brilliant - i'm learning loads off you guys, and you all give me hope.

    Anyway thats me, thats my thoughts on the subject.

    And that links to the current problem in our relationship. Neither of us feel safe.
    Once you discover your partner has lied Trust goes. Yes you can use your gut, intuition, watch for cues...but we dont have crystal balls.

    I like to be rational to work with the best available evidence. I got everything off his phone and ipad. To know what he watched, how bad it was, cause getting a full confession out of him has never happened.
    His habit in the evening when married was shower on - PMO from phone.Get up early, walk dog, PMO before anybody else was up - have breakfast get on with his day. What he did since with me, he's been less open about - night shifts yes! ( but not all apparently) and left me flowers by the bed every morning.
    When this had started to escalate back to old levels behind my back, he started getting up early and walking the dogs when i was on a night shift. To me this is old addictive behavioural patterns reemerging - fitting another dopamine hit in when i wasn't here. But he denies it.
    On 2 day shifts after dropping his kids off (which he normally finds upsetting, he had showered - showering when i'm not there is unusual - i asked, thats your old behaviour pattern did you PMO? - he denies it!
    He mentioned sex phone lines in passing twice - did he ever ring one? why mention it? He denies it.

    I hate having to deal with this professionally and at home.


    What i'm saying is finding this out about your partner is bad enough!
    Yes sure i get it! Yes i have great capacity to forgive - if there is truth and transparency - if this hasn't escalated to sex addiction rather than porn addiction, and if a person wants to change. But my gut says he is still not telling the whole truth. Yes probably for reasons of shame, denial, guilt, wanting to cover his own butt. He sure doesnt like hurting me either etc.
    But until i get to feeling i know the true extend of the addiction i'm not prepared to move forward - i tried to accept his take on it - we had to agree to disagree. But this is what triggered me this weekend and is biting my ass now.

    He doesn't feel safe either, he knows i'm divided. He knows if he confessed and it was over my threshold i will end it - even thou i will be sad - bloomin sad i think the world of him.
    He's says i know EVERYTHING, and that there is nothing more to tell. He says he didn't PMO on day shifts or early in the morning. And if i won't believe him what more can he do?

    Have i got it wrong?? sense tells me not, but don't know 100% that i'm right either.
    I talked to our therapist about full disclosure yesterday, hopefully they will both discuss it tomorrow. But i deserve truth - that's what i give. But how will i know when i've got it?

    So we are at an impasse -

    The rest of our relationship is good. He works hard, does his fair share of domestic duty, cooks, cleans, fixes. We share hobbies and interests, families get on well, he's an amazing dad, we get on well. Emotional intimacy was never a problem per say, but its better now. Our sex life is good, connected and improving. The recovery work he's covered in the last months is awesome and he is trying so hard to grow and understand himself. He so wants us to be ok, wants to be an even better parent so he can help his kids with this. I don't have any complaints about him, but this is complex and not easy. Two steps forward and one step back. We seem stuck - despite both trying - i chose the sofa for the first time. Today he's real worried.

    I'm not worried i'm just fed up, angry. Currently feeling, when i'd rather be thinking and empowered !! Life is short i wanna get going, in one direction or another - not feel stuck.

    Sorry it's a long one again, thank you all, venting helps, i hope it doesn't cause anyone distress.
    Any input welcome.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 8, 2019
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You’re a great writer. Ditto to all you say...I’m in the same position. It’s mind numbing, anger provoking, but yet there’s an element of compassion, and forgiveness.
    You have my support and encouragement in whatever you decide. Best of luck.
     
  3. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Hello Fellow nurse.. I feel the same way towards my husband.. and I do get angry and frustrated because he doesn't see the how he's harming our relationship.
     
  4. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I feel the same way--nowhere is safe, nobody is safe. It feels like all men are betrayers and will hurt me at this point. I feel like porn has mutilated every man's mind and women can't trust them. It is sad that I feel this way. Everytime I look at a couple I think she doesn't know he has a porn addiction and is blinded by his lies. I know my experiences have shaped that thinking. I have never had a faithful boyfriend, they all cheated on me in middle school and high school. Then, I met my husband and thought he was different, that he would never cheat or betray me. Well, as far as I know he hasn't cheated, but he has betrayed me so many times with PMO. How do I get past thinking that if he couldn't be faithful, then there is absolutely no way any other man would?? I am safer just staying single and using a vibrator to fulfill my needs. No room for betrayal in that scenario, but also no room for love. It's fucking sad, man.
     
  5. Thank you @Lostneverland, hope you're making progress your end too.
    Hi @His Wife and fellow nurse :) Have to say haven't had the problem of my partner not seeing this is harming our relationship (or him or me) cause it blew up in his face instantly, i've never had to convince him this is wrong - his instant response was i've f*cked up, how can i put this right? And the answer to that is bloomin complex and is gonna be a long road. Seriously! i think if he doesn't get it, it's down to you to point out he isn't gonna have a marriage, thats the harm this does - takes everything we have. But equally you can't make idle threats only you know if you're strong enough to face that and follow thru if he doesn't wake up. The best nurse nurse doesn't fix anybody we give people the time and tools and connection to heal if they can, and some support along they way. There does however have to be a distinct line between professional us and personal us, yes there is gonna be cross over, but i'm sure you are aware of how a persons caring nature can be manipulated and exploited by the wrong type of people. #Boundaries are vital. One nurse to another "Hi five"
     
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  6. Yep, it's f*ckin sad man, you hit the nail on the head. But we still have to face it, we still have to find some peace, hopefully happiness, and definitely some safety or we'll go nuts!

    Now i have to be straight with you @fadedfidelity i could not cope with what you're going thru , i couldn't accept it! I would have to end it. It must hurt you so very much, and i'm sorry life and people are so cruel sometimes. I'm so sorry for the pain you must be going thru, and trying to deal with family life at the same time.
    That said, it took me a long time (years) to end my marriage, and there was no abuse or sex issues in it. Who i am today is not who i was 10 years ago. Who i am today is way from perfect, way from where i'd like to be, but i love myself anyway. And even being where i am reflects years of learning and personal growth already, and i build on that every day.

    Now i'm going to be positive....very unusual for me ha ha! and use science cause i love science!

    Most characteristics, behaviours, and phenomena can be explained on a bell curve. (a bell shaped upside down) If you looked at the height of people in the world you could draw this graph. The tallest on the left the shortest on the right and the average in the middle.

    Taking sex addiction as the behaviour this will go into a bell curve as well. Monks and Asexual people on the left, then people with healthy sexual relationships. Then as we move to the right people who use porn, sex addicts and at the far right sex offenders.
    I think too if you overlay this graph with mental health there would be some kind of relationship between the two.

    I think knowing where our partners are on this graph, gives us a good indication how far they have gotta go - the further to go the more bumps in the journey (probably)

    Anyway my point is yes society is sick, and it's making sick people - but it can't be all! because there are people on the left side of the graph. Yes i think the number of people free of porn culture are few. I think @Mr. Tumnus hit the nail on the head saying finding somebody who CAN be free of PMO maybe the most realistic way of getting free of this as a couple. This would be somebody toward the left.

    So nobody should give up hope. We all just gotta get strong and face this thing square in the face whether PA's or So's. Who wants to make the journey to left only an individual can decide. And there is the scary risky bit for us.

    Stay strong, I know you're going thru hell at the moment.
     

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  7. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Great discussion, thanks.

    As a former addict trying to stay clean, I can say what changed it for me was accepting that my life had to alter completely to get away from this terrible sickness (which is what it is). Getting free of pmo is and was central to my ethos.

    It isn't enough just to say as an addict , "I will stop". There are endless stories on here from men who tried to just stop, and failed after days, weeks, months or even years.

    The plus side is that if men can accept holistic change is essential, not optional, then recovery is possible. This means attitude yes - porn is not acceptable - but further to this, masterbation is not acceptable either. The medics are just plain wrong: masterbation ISN'T normal. We shouldn't be teaching kids this in schools. It's the tip of the iceberg in our f&£ked up society. That has to stop too.

    Such holistic changes require real and even painful sacrifice: diet, exercise, lifestyle, even occupation may need to radically alter - the whole package. If men (and the problem is mostly with men) can get their heads around this, then they can change. I believe permanently - I honestly have not even had the desire to masterbate in over a year now. It is a long and difficult path, but Christo is it worth it! In the first year I would get regular pain in my gonads due to not fapping, but I didn't care. There was no going back to that sh£t.

    Quitting PMO isn't about grasping the nettle, it's about shoving it down your pants - where it hurts.

    I wish you every success.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2019
  8. NICEDUDE

    NICEDUDE Fapstronaut

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    Truly inspirational post. You have set an example for others on this forum!
     
  9. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    Hi Taketime,

    Your words were so honest and relatable.

    My PA partner has been 83 days pmo free, we've had our highs and lows during that time yet here I am tonight, about to sleep on the sofa.
    There has been many nights where I can't fall asleep beside him. Not only do I worry my sobbing will wake him up, but the sound of him in his peaceful oblivious state makes my skin crawl with anger. As much as I want to wake him up and say 'Fu$k you" ( as you said too!) - I come on here, vent and hope that tomorrow will feel better.
    Ogling has been a big trigger for me aswell. I could not agree more that no where is safe. Im just about at the point where I want to refuse to even go to the supermarket with him anymore, as every public appearance we make some young chick will catch his eye.
    Tonights big stir up was provoked by us being invited to - not one but TWO events , with not one- but TWO girls that he confessed to M over. ( friends of ours).
    How delightful to go out for a meal with these girls knowing what he really thinks of them.
    Not even his friends were safe from his eye.
    It gets easier with time overall, but all it takes is little triggers to really feel shit again.

    All the best. Bad days are just that- bad days.
    Lucky my couch is a comfy one.
    Xxx
     
  10. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry you are going through!! I would not go to the event if I were you, no way. Are they friends of yours too? Can you cut them off?
     
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  11. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Now I am curious, what is your story? I didn't see a journal linked to your account. Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate true honesty.
     
  12. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

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    Hi Butterfly1988!
    So there's a handful of women on the list that I know of, and in the same social circles with.
    The one who will be completely unavoidable forever is his best friends sister.
    The other unavoidable was a workmate- he's since changed positions at work, but I can't bring myself to ask him if he still sees her around work.
    The others I can probably cut off completely.
    These two events are milestones that I really don't want to miss.
    One is a good friends leaving dinner, and the other is a 30th birthday party.
    There already has been social events we have missed- and it angers me so much that this is what it has come to.

    Our friends will start to wonder whats going on if we completely pull away from them. I feel like my partner wants to continue to attend these things too-
    Which makes me feel so trapped.

    Either I, A: go- feel miserable/insecure seeing these women and hope that I can keep myself together.

    Or B: Stay home, worried out of my brain that my partner's eyes are going to be all over them 'stocking up the bank'.

    Or C: forbid my partner from going. Creating resent from him for stopping him hang out with his friends, and our mates being annoyed at us for not being there for them.

    Oh the joys ! Xx
     
  13. Thanks @Kitty lover
    my couch is comfy too but a new direction maybe comfy and safer for me....thats my response.
    we've been together since I wrote that post - but he slept in a different room last night. Bring it on.... if he wants to lock horns with me he's a brave man. and brave man he is not - he is a scared little boy.

    Sorry you're going thru this pile of poop too. Not sure I'd worry about your tears waking him up thou...tough shit he caused them.
     
    Kitty lover likes this.
  14. Hi at @fadedfidelity
    no I don't have journal. I'm glad you didn't take my comment in a hurtful way, cause that was not how it was meant.
    I literally meant I couldn't take DDAY 4 or 5, deciding whether I'm willing to take a chance on a DDAY2 is bad enough. My story? much the same as yours i would think...Basically this is my second time facing this...ive already got the t-shirt. This time I've got some trousers...maybe I'll get a whole outfit before I find a man free of this. Strength and all good things sent your way
     
  15. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    It's all good. I totally got you. No offense taken at all. ;-)
    If you are okay sharing, I would be interested in your story of what your PA has done and what you have done to cope/heal/recover. The more personal stories I read, the more it helps me understand I am not alone.
     
  16. Update from the last few days:
    He arranged emergency appointment with therapist as his emotions and worries about our impasse were overwhelming.
    Didn't manage to solve anything.
    But asked me to go with him the next night to our first couple therapy.
    That was 100% not successful as his words made me angry and I became emotionally clouded. And had to keep my mouth shut incase I exploded.

    Friday morning couldn't hold it in anymore and he got both barrels. I'm feeling disgust, sadness and resentment - All good indicators of a relationship ending.

    Saturday he went to look at a boat to see if he could live on one, but decided to lie about...after stating he would never lie to me again.

    Think that reflects a BIG problem with avoiding conflict - I can't solve it.
    I can't solve all the other problems either. Bummer! think I'm facing a new chapter....best I get busy adapting to the idea.
     
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