Transsexual Porn Addiction

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Ginseng12, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. Ginseng12

    Ginseng12 Fapstronaut

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    I feel like i have to write out my story so i can hopefully understand it myself and move past this, because its making me incredibly depressed and tired and i hate it.

    I may have worded some things harshly in my story, but i don't give a shit, i almost committed suicide because of porn, it makes me angry, sad and frustrated almost every single day that i ever got involved in it.

    Background about me,

    I'm 26,
    Never had a girlfriend, (because my mum left when i was young so i had trust and confidence issues)
    Iv had drunk one night stands, with girls, never been good sex, i last ages in bed and it becomes boring and tiring.
    I have now had more sober sex with transsexuals than i have had sober with female, which is a horrible thought now i have just thought about that.
    I was addicted to video games from young age and escaped into them and films.

    I never thought porn was a problem until i couldn't perform with a very attractive girl, drunk and sober.

    That was this time last year, I have been trying nofap, longest stint 28 days, second longest 16.

    And during nofap i feel amazing and on top of the world, all super powers confirmed its crushed my social anxiety, and i'm annoyed and deeply depressed when i go into binges, which i am currently in.

    Shemale porn is the most dopamine inducing trigger i have ever come across, i get these unstoppable urges that creep down into my gut and spread like hot wild fire that almost make me feel queasy and high with excitement, it is an intoxicating feeling and once i'm in that state i find myself contemplating and staring at escorts i can meet up with. However now it has got to a point when all i have to do is think about a transsexual for 2 seconds and i can feel that disgustingly nauseatingly hypnotic sensation, and then i'm looking for an escort, but i end up masturbating sometimes it takes only seconds to reset.

    My porn journey started with bbws, milfs, grannies, then incest, and i sometimes did watch a rape video but that was just too disgusting for me and i stopped quickly, same with the incest after a while it was just too off putting, i gradually ended up with transsexuals through curiosity because sometimes they would randomly pop up on sites and i'd try it out, and bingo! That was the new fetish.

    I had been masturbating to tranny porn occasionally before I went to thailand around 3 years ago, i started chatting to transsexuals on tinder their and eventually met up with one because i convinced myself HEY! ITS 2016! People are sexually fluid these days so Its ok to explore your sexuality and have fun, after all its just sex! No one has to know and it will be a one time thing just try it out!

    Basically i got myself so horny (at the time i wasn't able to masturbate due to close proximity to friends) I was fantasising all week and i ended up meeting one from tinder and prematurely ejaculating before anything happened, after she tried to get me to stay and try again, but i was so disgusted with myself for getting so horny and for actually meeting up with a transsexual i left.
    When i left Thailand and got back home, i got so horny again by fantasising and met up with one and went through with it. To date I have been with around 6 i think. Another time I went and spent 150 for an hour and i climaxed in 5 minutes, something i could have easily done at home and saved my self two months worth of food, after that i felt so shameful i went to a bar and got pissed (something i never do) and threw up, i soaped my mouth and tried to get everything out. I felt so dirty and disgusting, riddled with shame and anxiety.

    But I kept on going back because i told myself it was never good enough like in the porn videos. Even though i hated myself after each time. So the last time i saw one was in March, i convinced myself that this was going to be the last time, so i could just get it out of my system, to fully experience it and then i could move on. (I have come close to meeting up with a lot more but i manage to persuade myself its not worth it.)

    With the last hooker i saw, i thought i contracted and convinced myself i got hiv because i got symptoms and i started plans to commit suicide, and i was so miserably depressed for 2 weeks, thinking it would devastate my parents, i couldn't stop thinking about their reactions and how crippled, sad and traumatised they would be, goodbye to my hopes, dreams and friends, all gone because of my addiction to porn. Luckily it was something completely unrelated and i was sti free, but i had never been so depressed in all my life.
    Now after that i was convinced that i was going to pmo for ever after, i made it to 16 days and had drunk sex with a girl and for the first time in my life actually enjoyed sex with a female and i climaxed. (There is hope!!) But the next two days i wanked to shemale porn again because i felt i needed to get that rush again.

    I have blocked porn on my phone and changed my computers dns settings and i have forgotten the password on purpose so i cannot log in and change it. But now i have just started to use vpn's to bypass it. I feel like i need to just go and get it out of my system again, it takes one thought and now i cannot stop thinking about it for hours until i ejaculate.
    Afterwards, i am grateful i didn't go.
    But i feel shit because of nofaps benefits and i want a girlfriend and i want to be sexually attracted to women, (which i am) i just need to reboot, but these obtrusive thoughts are blasting into my head at random times and i get this ridiculous horny urge to look at or bang shemales.

    And i am not buying into the idea that i am just attracted to them and thats it im done for, I had the exact same sexy gut feelings when i looked at a naked woman for the first time ever when i was a kid, i know that its a porn addiction and its escalated to this horrible circle of nofap, random thought, porn,wank, obtrusive thoughts, depression and again nofap for a few days then repeat! I HATE THAT I CAN NOT CONTROL MY OWN BODY, its so frustrating i hate it so fucking much!

    I try every day to remain present and in the moment, i try cold showers when i get urges. But i just masturbate in the shower and then ill get horny again in about 20 minutes sometimes less, this happened earlier and now i m typing this instead of looking at escorts.
    After i relapse i get flashing images of transsexuals in my head throughout the day and when i meditate and sometimes i wake up with images of them in my mind and when i go to sleep... its difficult to escape.

    I never ever used to be like this before transsexual porn, i think maybe its my bodys response to me wanting to quit something that is its primal function, to make life, and its made it so easy for me that its become a massive problem. My body is saying you will keep ejaculating until you spread as much life as possible, however its confused that i cant actually make life with a transsexual person, its hooked on the idea and the stimulation of the easy access novelty of porn. I wonder if i would have had the same response if I had never watched tranny porn and just tried to nofap from straight porn.

    I logically understand that transsexual escorts or relationships are not feasible for me, its expensive, the possibility of dangerous stis are incredibly high, you cant have children, and they are men with fake breasts and plastic surgery. If i wanted i could just get women to peg me, but that doesn't interest me. Therefore it is purely a porn fetish that I have grown used to.

    It is like the male jewel beetles that prefer to copulate with a certain type of beer bottle cap rather than actual female jewel beetles because the cap looks like an exaggerated version of their natural copulation partners
    Transsexuals are exaggerated women with usually perfect breasts and faces and then tackle, they are super stimuli that is confusing but also attractive in a novel way. However everything about them is fake, it is a patched painting that hides a man underneath and the creepy thing is that they enjoy fucking straight men.

    One escort i met said the majority of men who visit her are in relationships with women, how dangerous and messed up is that? The possibility of infecting your girlfriend or the chance she finds out or not! Its still cheating and the trust that women have in men is rapidly decreasing, promiscuity is at an all time high, love and strong relationships are disappearing, cheating is the number one viewed porn category. And the worst thing of all is that children are able to watch porn so easily, what if their fetishes become even stronger because they start younger, the number of paedophiles is increasing, what kind of a society will we have if we allow porn usage to continue, everyone has to look at the facts and see that sexual crime is increasing, and they wonder why?! ITS BECAUSE OF PORN!!!!

    The irony is that transsexual porn is seducing straight men into having sex with them. With the introduction of sissy training videos and transsexual hypno it is highly predatory and the incredibly dangerous videos are designed to reduce and strip down a mans primal characteristics, self esteem and confidence in oneself. It makes you questions yourself and brainwashes you into an unnatural way of thinking, there are many transsexuals who have believed to be the wrong gender from birth but their are others that fall under the converted category from watching porn and that is where confusion and depression come in. I knew that shemale hypno was so dangerous and so wrong on so many perverted and insidious levels, and the very thought of it made me ejaculate in 2 seconds literally 2 seconds when i watched the intro of one.
    WHAT THE FUCK?!
    I only ever watched one and that was it, i knew i would be entering into extremely dangerous territory if i continued to watch that kind of sick stuff.

    When i manage a streak, i stop thinking about transsexuals and shift my thoughts to women and theirs a girl i like who i think about sexually, to convert my thinking, however this is anti progressive as it just makes me horny and eventually i come back to transsexuals. But this time i wont think about them, this is time to change i will stop it.

    I am a straight man and I want to be a man and i want to be with a biological woman.

    I have nothing against transgender people whatsoever, however i do have a massive problem with transsexual porn and porn in general, Its made me suicidal and it affects my day to day living.

    I know i have to just remain strong and keep at it and do whatever it takes to not think of them or look at them, but it only takes seconds and then it starts again.

    I know i will conquer this addiction and i will get over it because i have done 28 days before, i have had amazing drunk sex with a girl. And the main reason i know i will get over this addition is because i have to, in order to be happy. I have to be happy in order to succeed and i have to succeed in order to be happy. This is the most difficult self improvement program that i or i think anyone else undertakes, and it will make it that more powerful and rewarding when i overcome it and i promise myself that i will.


    I have made a self hypnosis sleep audio track to listen to at night, i am going to listen to that every night, i am going to stay present during the day, i am going to keep myself busy, i go to the gym 4 days a week, and i work, i never think if the porn when i am social and busy, only when i am at home, alone. My porn addiction has compensated for a lack of a meaningful relationships and now i must let go to become free and find a meaningful loving relationship with a woman, hopefully she wont be addicted either! LOL But that's the problem you don't know your addicted until you try to quit.

    The thing is, THIS IS A PROBLEM THAT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A PROBLEM, ITS COMPLETELY REDUNDANT, with education, petitioning and writing and spreading information to ban porn and raising awareness of the dangers of it we can stop others and help them before it leads to their suicide or them hurting someone else and destroying lives.

    Hopefully this can enlighten others the life harming effects porn can have. Porn should be illegal there are hundreds of negatives that outweigh the 1 benefit of pleasure. Humans existed for thousands of years without porn, it is relatively new and incredibly harmful and we don't need it, we need to return to healthy loving and social relationships, instead of beating off at gross fetishes on a computer screen.

    There needs to be more publicity about porn addiction and real clinically proven help to overcome it because this is debilitating and i know i got myself into this mess... but i didn't know any better, none of us did.

    My addiction to porn is psychological self harm, and could turn into physical self harm, i need to stop now.

    Day one starts tomorrow, please wish me luck. I believe in myself, i hope you do too.

    P.s My urge has now gone after writing this
     
  2. Vendettana

    Vendettana Fapstronaut

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    I'm with you, don't give up. and make it a little bit better this time. You don't have many chances left. Eventually you will hit the nail and get some illness. Watch out, cause life or god, call it whatever you need to, can be brutal. You will pay the price for your actions. Everybody does.
     
  3. porsche4life

    porsche4life Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, our world is really messed up man, I think we do really need to ban porn or heavily restrict like cigarettes because porn is the tobacco. Many use it and some get heavily addicted to it
     
  4. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    Maybe focus on just one thing first as so much seems to overwhelm you. Like just make a point to not look at porn. Once you have that in some kind of control take on the fantasies.
    I agree porn is evil. It steals your soul. At least it does to those who are addicted.
    Good luck in your struggle and just don’t give up. Living the life you dream of is worth it.
     
  5. hah_lay_loo_yuh

    hah_lay_loo_yuh Fapstronaut

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    I think the fact that it's taboo in your mind may be contributing to it. One thing that has helped me with similar problems is to be aware of the thoughts and feelings as they are. Don't fight them, but always be aware of them, and don't let them subsume your awareness of them. Then, when you are aware of them, realize that they are a cartoon. They aren't real. The thing you are attracted to is a male, with a penis and hair and other masculine things. In other words:

    Awareness <- Stay at this level
    Horny thoughts, imagery, feelings <- allow these to occur and recognize their character as separate from your awareness. They are a part of you unconsciously that sometimes makes it up to the conscious mind and gives you that gut feeling you talked about, setting off a chain reaction that leads to masturbation and reinforcing them. If you resist, they persist, because part of what you like about them is the shameful, taboo element! By keeping something unconscious and repressing it, because of hatred and fear, you allow it to control you.

    But "not resisting" and acceptance of these thoughts doesn't mean masturbating. It just means dropping the taboo and self-hating interpretation of what that part of you is turned on by. Disassociate from these thoughts, but don't repress them. And don't let them shame you. They aren't you. They are just a part of you which has been conditioned in there by the power of dopamine inducing porn and masturbation. You allowed this through ignorance, and society allowed this by falling away from common sense. That's OK. Every generation has its challenges. At least you don't have to storm the beaches at Normandy.

    There is something wrong with masturbating to them though because your purpose is to start a happy family with a woman and to keep yourself in top shape to contribute to the world, which masturbation will prevent you from doing.

    Good luck to you. The way out in my experience is to drop the shame, separate the thoughts and urges from your awareness while not repressing or running from the thoughts and urges (just be aware of them and their character, and realize they are not you), and practice awareness for 30 minutes a day by just sitting down and focusing on your emotions and thoughts whatever they are, without letting them overtake your awareness. Other cultures understand the power of the practice of meditation. Christianity used to, but the world fell from it, and look where we are now.
     
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  6. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    Nice. Today I’m reading about the “perennial tradition”. The idea that when we meditate in any tradition we are exposed to the one true God that reveals himself to us in all traditions. Thus the oneness of all. There is a revival of this idea in Christianity these days.
     
    porsche4life likes this.
  7. Vendettana

    Vendettana Fapstronaut

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    I have a problem with this "don't fight your feelings" Buddhist attitude. If I would not control myself, then I would go to hookers, drink, eat cakes and drink coke. Play Video Games the whole day. I would rarely exercice, I would not shave or get up early. And in a matter of 5 years I would be disgusting and in 10 years I would probably kill myself.
    You have to resist to the cravings.
     
  8. hah_lay_loo_yuh

    hah_lay_loo_yuh Fapstronaut

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    I guess I'm saying: "Don't repress, but do fight". When I look an urge in the face all the way through and don't give in to it, following it all the way from the initial trigger to the die down, the feeling of power and awareness eliminates my anxiety about the future. I never have to jerk off again and so I don't worry about relapsing, because I know I can keep my control at every stage. This attitude also helps me with other things in life. But I could only do it after practicing awareness on other things for about 30 minutes a day.
     
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  9. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    I just made it through the toughest urge to relapse in a year but I’m afraid it could come back stronger next time. I wish I had your confidence.
    I have glanced at P. M-Ed and O-ed in the past year but this was full on back to my lowest moments using P.
    Good lord, be my strength in my weakness.
     
  10. hah_lay_loo_yuh

    hah_lay_loo_yuh Fapstronaut

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    I couldn't do it either a year ago. It was only when I practiced awareness for 30 minutes a day for 3 weeks that I was able to consistently beat the urges. And now I don't fear them, because I know for sure that I can win. I can see an urge and not become it. It also bleeds into other areas of my life, such as helping me stop eating fast food and drinking alcohol.
     
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  11. Pork Pie Hat

    Pork Pie Hat New Fapstronaut

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    Man I also had similar problems with transexual porn, and I almost got to the point of dating one or seeing a scort, but thankfully I always managed to masturbate and orasm before doing any of that. I am now trying to get rid of this thing like you, I hope we both manage to stay sharp and don't relapse. All my good wishes are with you!
     
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  12. Vendettana

    Vendettana Fapstronaut

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    I experienced the same. And after more than a month, I am practically no longer interested in shemales.
     
  13. Trying358

    Trying358 Fapstronaut

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    I'd never been interested in TS porn -- I'd come across it, and had zero interest. Then suddenly, a few months ago, I watched a video of a Thai ladyboy, and suddenly I was turned on by it and have been ever since. It's a good example of how porn can change you.

    But really, it's nothing compared to some of the porn that's turned me on. In fact, I'm not sure that there's anything wrong with it. I wouldn't be into hookers (I never have been), though I understand why so many MTF's are forced into it and feel bad for them. But really, I wouldn't mind a relationship with a TS. That kind of thing used to embarrass the hell out of me, but it doesn't anymore.

    So why do I say that? Because I guess I believe in the Buddhist philosophy. Stop being ashamed of it, it will eat you up. Just accept it. It isn't porn if you don't look at the porn. A lot of guys seem to be into this, just look at how much TS porn there is. Yes, there's a big disadvantage to it, you can't have kids. But if you aren't comfortable with women and are with them, I don't see anything wrong with doing it. I wouldn't go with a hooker, but I'd have no problem with a relationship.

    Anyway, even if you don't have a relationship, I think it's important that you rid yourself of the shame, because it's going to eat you up. I don't think you're going to get rid of these feelings, though it's not impossible if you focus on something else you like, I've found that one turn-on can be replaced by another.
     
  14. alexg1709

    alexg1709 Fapstronaut

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    I am at this cross road right now.

    I am in a opportunity to get into a relationship with a ts. Met her online.

    She's not a hooker and super feminine and seems to be a very nice person.

    I keep masturbating thinking of her.

    Where I live this kind of thing is drowned upon.

    Might really have to drop everything including social media and go 90 days monk mode.

    Why I say this?

    You cannot have children with a ts and i know my friends and family would be extremely upset over this.

    Haven't looked at P for a long time now but can't get these tries out of my head.
     
  15. Trying358

    Trying358 Fapstronaut

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    You could always adopt, or even do a surrogacy. But yeah, I know where you're coming from. A lot of guys hide their relationships, which is really hard on the TS person. Basically, it sucks. If I liked a TS, I'd be in the same situation. I live in a tolerant community so wouldn't have to worry about friends and family, but I'd still be really embarrassed. I guess if I were in love, it wouldn't matter, at least I hope it wouldn't.
     

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