Tracking reasons why

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Livispacerocket88, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed several days after I posted here. A little background, I started fully engaging in pmo in my early twenties, but even before that I had encounters with inappropriate material online, in my teens. There was something about my pmo spiralled out of control in my early twenties. I think the majority of it was stress related.
    But even deeper than that, I feel as though I get triggered when I have to chronically people-please. Does that sound weird? It's like the better I get at people-pleasing at work, handling heavy workloads...the more the high of that, affects the crash of the relapse.
    Anyone experienced anything similar?
     
  2. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 4
    Things are starting to get better. I've been able to resist the urge to look at p. Actually, I hardly think of it anymore. Around day 2, a lot of emotional pain came up. Mainly just to do with my breakup. I think I was using pmo to surpress a lot of bad stuff he did to me. And how emotionally unavailable he was. He was hardly there whenever I was upset or down. But expected the five-star treatment if something small, mashed up his day.
    I've also taken to wearing crystals. Yeah! I know how hippy that sounds. But it's helping to calm my mind. Hopefully I can make it to three months. Wish me luck.
     
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  3. Elias Smith

    Elias Smith Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck. You seem to be on a good track. And you also seem to realize that you are better off without your ex, as painful as it may be now. This a good place for you, 100% support, 0% judgement .

    And if crystals calm your mind, wear on! ☺
     
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad you are here. I'm glad you are seeking a path of recovery. If you need/want help, all you need to do is ask, and we'll help you. Kudos to the journaling initiative. That's great. I also think you have some things to process (i.e. the "...lot of bad stuff he did to me..."). Was he also PMO? And how long were you two together in a relationship?
     
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  5. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Hey! Thanks for the support. It's really good to finally be able to immerse myself in good places. Nofap is one of them. More importantly, finding myself beyond a relationship is so rewarding. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Stay strong !
     
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  6. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Hiya, thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated! The journaling is keeping me going through the christmas period. It's ironic you ask me about his pmo. Because he expressed having an addiction in the past. I actually expressed my pmo problem before the relationship began. Anyway, I think it affected the emotional attachment I wanted.
     
  7. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 5
    Feeling so much better today. Everything felt smooth, easy and calm. I work a lot throughout the week, so not being stressed has really helped.
    I'm trying not to jinx anything, so I'll keep journaling here to keep myself accountable.
    I want to work myself up to really exploring the reasons why I thought pmo, was a good coping mechanism for processing hurt and pain. I used to see a therapist a year back. We talked about my traumatic family life. But I could never pluck up the courage to talk about my pmo addiction. I felt huge amounts of shame. Part of me wants to go back and tell her about what I was hiding. But is it too late to tell her?
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    My first advice to you is to take it one day at a time. When you get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror, and say "I am going to stay clean just for today. That's all I ask is to make it through today." And when you make it through today, get up tomorrow, look in the mirror, and say "just for today". And so forth and so on. If you do relapse, that's your bar. Set your bar to that day, and each day, "just for today" with the bar set at say 15 days. And if you make it to 15, double it to 30. And work one day at a time toward 30. And if you only reach 22, that's your new bar. Eventually, you'll get there one day at a time. And with each pass, the magnitude, frequency, and duration of your PMO will diminish. Just for today!
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018 at 9:56 AM
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  9. pp7711

    pp7711 Fapstronaut

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    Good advice - keep it simple. One day at a time.

    Good luck
     
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  10. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

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    Day 6 & 7
    Slightly struggling today, so I'm just going to take it easy. I've been trying not to get ahead of myself and not think of the result of achieving, a far off goal. One day at a time. I'd like to make it to three months.

    My dreams have been very erractic, my brain even cooked up a wet dream today. The good thing is, I didn't relapse today. And I almost got tempted. Whenever I think about the past and unanswered questions...It makes me want to pmo. And I have done in the past. I just get sad. Deep down I want to be able to fix everything, like I can fix everything at work. A person I cared about very deeply left me high and dry this year. I've tried my best to throw myself into work and this support group here. But I still think of him everyday. I want closure, really. But I don't think I'll ever get it. Still, I've come this far today. And I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stay consistent.
    I wish I could stop thinking about him though, my recovery would be all the better for it. This is my obstacle...maybe it's something I'm going to have to live with.
    Anyway, hope your all doing well in this festive period we're in. I wish you all the best!
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, but you'll be at peace with it, and it won't matter anymore if you get closure. You will get this PMO crap out of your brain and replace it with something far more healthy; far more better; and far more meaningful.
    No, it's something you're going to have to live through. I believe we all have our path to walk. You will become a more strong, more resilient, and confident young lady on the other side of this. Keep going. You're doing great!
     

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