TooMuchTooSoon - A Partner's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. I think his 'unfair' comment was when I started checking out. Like seriously!? You want to talk unfair?

    I don't want to be mean or petty but I am thisclose to just saying look, I want someone who loves me in words and actions and with whom I can have a (normal) healthy relationship and sex life. It's really not too much to ask. You can't or won't give me any of those things so I'm out.
     
    hope4healing and Bel like this.
  2. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I will make that list. I'd been meaning to do something similar. All the better reason to do it NOW. :)

    For what it's worth, while I do love having a place to vent and share, I feel my own brand of shame at this relationship failing and do not enjoy having to share that. I'd much prefer to share success. But I hate being the center of attention in any way.

    As I may have mentioned before, recently in a PM in fact, I was raised to consider everyone else and their opinions/feelings/needs ahead of me and mine. Breeding ground for codependency which I'm working on. That's probably why I got/stayed in this mess of a relationship. Now that I'm starting to work on my codependency and really believe my own opinions and feelings and self are worthy and deserving of. After treatment and consideration, I'm eyeing the exit. Alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel less than or unworthy.

    Funny enough his last dating venture (only a couple months long, if that) hurt him terribly because he wanted to be with her but she didn't want to be with him. Guess she wasn't feeling it. I guess he knows how she feels now. I certainly know how he felt.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  3. FlatlineFred

    FlatlineFred Fapstronaut

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    It took me years to leave a toxic partner, in the end I realised that by staying, I was 'enabling' the disfunction.
     
  4. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    While working on the other list, I found myself compiling this one. I will add as I think of things. The other list will follow. It's been more difficult to complete than I expected.

    I deserve:
    • Someone who is interested in ME, learning about my life and dreams and family and friends
    • Someone who feels lucky to have me
    • Someone who makes me feel loved in words and actions
    • Someone who is faithful physically, emotionally, & mentally
    • Someone who is consistent in communication & behavior
    • Someone who gives as much as they take
    • Someone who wants to spend time with me & who misses me when we are apart
    • Someone who wants to take care of me as I do them
    • Someone who isn't selfish
    • Someone with similar life goals
    • Someone with a similar outlook on life (politics, religion, kids, finance, travel, smoking, drugs, porn)
    • Someone who can take care of themselves but wants a partner in life
    • Someone who is not an (active) addict
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yes
    Just yes.
     
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  6. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Someone on here (my apologies I can't recall who or which post at the moment) said that if no one else would or could love him why should I?

    It suddenly occurred to me that this is the crux of my situation. I was that kid who slept with all her stuffed animals because she didn't want any of their feelings hurt. Who empathizes with everyone - homeless people, sick or injured people, abused people, etc. anyone hurting or in unfortunate circumstances. I put my love where I think others won't. On and in the Charlie Brown Christmas trees of the world. Everyone deserves love, right? I'm sure there's a solid component for feeling I don't deserve better, the best, but a lot also stems from rooting for the underdog, even when they've given up on themselves.

    So yes. Like a fool I'm still exactly where I was, still gearing up for a big showdown. Drafting a latter which I will post here for feedback before printing out and giving/reading. Wringing every last bit of hope out of this situation so when I walk away I know I gave and did everything I could, tried every reasonable approach. Only then will my mind rest easy and will I be able to move on. Still holding out hope for a miracle but I'm well aware that's what it would take to salvage this mess.
     
  7. FlatlineFred

    FlatlineFred Fapstronaut

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    Have you consulted with a professional counsellor? They can advise on life direction changes and which fork in the road is best to take.
     
  8. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    @FlatlineFred, I am seeing a counselor, mainly for my codependency and working out what is best to get me as mentally healthy as possible. That will help me gain confidence so I can find my own path, currently obscured by self-doubt and uncertainty. Writing it out here is like group therapy. I appreciate everyone who reads and responds. :)


    Double posting. Need to get more out I guess.

    It was a rough day. Got some sad news which brought out a lot of personal painful memories and feelings of loss from a few years ago. Amazing how that happens, it's like you're right back there in the waterfall of anguish and despair.

    I got a hug and a little soothing/ understanding which was nice. Bare minimum really, though, right? Because it was brief and followed by pretty much being ignored for the computer, his phone, etc. the rest of the night. So, the usual.

    No 'thank you for bringing home dinner' - not that it was anything fancy - and he immediately started eating while watching a movie on his computer, pretty much turned away from me, completely disengaged. So I ate by myself on the same couch with my back to him. After, I wasn't feeling particularly happy toward him anyway so I got some tidying done. He did clean the cat litter which I appreciated but it was his turn anyway. Then I went upstairs for bed, even though it was barely getting dark outside. I was done with the day.

    I should've said I didn't appreciate his ignoring me for computer/ movie/ phone time and needed some comfort. But I was too tired to speak up or fight for his attention and, really, shouldnt he be able to figure it out on his own that its basic decency? On any day, let alone when I'm visibly upset?

    Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me that commonly accepted dating or interpersonal practices aren't enacted with me. Would he be like this with anyone or is it just me? I allow the behavior by staying.

    He's not winning any prizes but I shouldn't be tolerating his crap either. So yeah. That bit is on me.
     
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  9. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    My daughter's therapist pointed out to her that was an 'empath'. Not the mutant kind. The kind that can pick out the person in the room who is hurting the most and be motivated to help them. Unfortunately their problems overwhelm her and she gets depressed because it's impossible to fix another person's problems. Some people do this so often that it becomes their identity, 'the fixer', while the other person becomes the 'problem'. It leads to real mismatch in the relationship and reinforces the foundational truth that a strong relationship is between two healthy people. Does this sound like you?
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2017
  10. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I've never heard of a 'misc' other than as a shortening of miscellaneous. But oh yes. I've identified myself as a fixer. At work. In relationships. Only recently realizing you really do need 2 healthy people to create a healthy relationship. Working on it. I know just like any recovery it's not an instant thing but will take time.
     
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  11. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Sorry @i_wanna_get_better1 -
    I forgot to tag you in the above response. I wanted to add that I have gotten much better at realizing people are what they are and I can't live their lives for them. Once I really embrace that fully I think I will be able to either accept them as is or accept that I can't have that or them in my life. Acknowledging the problem is the first step.

    The night was long. Ive been awake for 4+ hours and it's just past 6am here. So the day will be long too.

    Had a nice early morning interaction though. Quiet talking, eye contact, and getting my back rubbed gently was so nice. That's what I want. Nothing fancy. Just a genuine connection, interaction, and intimacy. I always positively reinforce them too. I see these glimpses and they are so much of what keeps me here. He IS capable to SOME extent. No one is all bad. It would be so much easier if they were so we could let go much sooner or not get entangled in the first place.

    I have my new gym appt. tonight to go over my goals and their programs/options to see if it will be a good fit. It's not your standard type of gym. Fingers crossed because I'm really excited about the prospect. Living life for ME!
     
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's good to see you back!! :)
     
  13. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    One last thing for now I SWEAR! ;) I started realizing my own fixer issues by encountering another fixer at work. 20+ more years older than me so even further ingrained. She helped me see that forcing help on anyone is not really helpful and is actually pretty annoying. It implies perceived incompetence or lack of faith to some and only enables others. Bad news all around. I'm pretty sure she only lets her husband do his job and whatever she's specifically instructed him to do. Otherwise he seems completely lost. Yikes.

    It's all well and good to be helpful. But only when someone is seeking or truly needing help. Otherwise you're treating adults like children and not letting them learn or grow or be responsible for themselves. It's unfair and ultimately unkind. Which is counterproductive to 'helping' in the first place. So, living with that at work, I've been able to enact that a lot more there and I think it will help me do so more in my personal life as well. :)
     
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  14. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, I didn't mean 'misc'... I meant to type 'empath'. That's what happens when I use my phone instead of my laptop. I don't know how auto-correct got one from the other?!? Proves I should proofread my stuff more closely... I'm going to edit my post so it makes more sense for anyone else who reads this.
     
  15. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Haha! That makes way more sense. Thank you. I'll look into it and see what I can find (and work on). ;)
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  16. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    After reading many threads I find myself wondering if there could be a color system or some such that would allow members to identify with different groups. I see people who want to quit PMO for inducing mojo/ superpowers. Others are fighting full blown sex addiction. Some people are trying to become their best selves for them and for their partners, current or future, by quitting PM as well as objectifying or ogling, etc. Others, with or without partners, seek only to quit P to improve their sex life due to PIED, DE, or PE. To each their own.

    I find I am mainly bothered by those who downplay or rationalize issues others are struggling to quit. That is not helpful and can be sabotaging to an addict's efforts. I generally think they do so to make themselves feel better (probably my own bit of being judgmental) but for whatever reason, we should respect each others' journeys. Speak up when you think something is offensive or share your own views/ experiences but if someone states their goals, don't tell them they're wrong because they're different from yours. Just because that is not your own personal battle doesn't make it right for anyone to judge and dismiss choices others make for themselves.

    Perhaps a color coding system might help members see at a glance what any given poster's goals might be so they don't waste their time or breath or get frustrated by disagreements in what's right on this journey because it's so unique to each person. Just a thought.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  17. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I really like that idea @TooMuchTooSoon I think color coding would be a good idea, like when you sign up, or in the profile section it offers goals, who you are, and based on what you put in a different color would show on/under your image or on profile. I see many addicts who have taken this seriously, and seen others who might be in the beginning and do have those rationalize. I know everyone goes through their own journey, but I think also, with the color coding sytem it would be better because then alike minds and members can connect better.
     
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  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It can go with my SOB idea for the women too.
    *nodding vigorously*
    I see lots of ways it works... Like with AP & Everything when people need to connect on smaller platforms too
     
  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I sent Alexander a request for Significant Others Buddies, like the Accountability Partners.
    So we all have someone to pair up with and talk to.
    More personalized.
    For the ones who are on similar tracks so they can share similar stories Or need more guidance can pair up with a SO who's guy is further along healing so they have hope.
    So there is less panic.
    Less women leave.
    The support group is great, but it can be overwhelming and this is more one on one.
     

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