TooMuchTooSoon - A Partner's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by TooMuchTooSoon, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    To all you fapstronauts and SOs fighting the good fight, I commend you for your efforts and your perseverance. I know this is not an easy battle (far from it) but showing up every day and doing your very best means everything. I repeat, EVERYTHING. Trying, really trying is what makes the difference. I wish my own SO had had that commitment but he's obviously not ready. Perhaps he never will be or maybe this will be his wake-up call. Either way it no longer affects me and I'm happy to walk away, tired but wiser and not a little jaded. I hope the emotional scars will fade along with my exhaustion and stress at worrying and wondering for so long. I sense a sleepless night tonight but am hopeful tomorrow's night will bring peace. I hope that for you all as well.
     
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry to read all this but glad that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope your future brings you happiness, love, and joy, you deserve the best and someone who is truly committed to you.
     
  3. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @AnonymousAnnaXOXO - I wish you the same. We ALL deserve the same level of love and commitment we have to offer.
     
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Absolutely :)
     
  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Sigh. Sorry. Hugs to you. Porn is the black plague of our day.
     
  6. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    It sure is. I also liken it to smoking, sneaking into our society all innocently while poisoning the masses, both the smokers and those around them. 2nd hand porn... sounds like a band name ;) Also, thinking more about it. Ew.
     
    Bel and Kenzi like this.
  7. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry that things had to get to this point. We could all tell that you put everything you had into fixing the situation. The absolute biggest thing that prevents true change from happening is loss of motivation. In all the books I've read, it talks the most about avoiding ambivalence or mixed feelings about recovery. Staying motivated for a few days or weeks is simply not enough. Actively concealing the fact that you are doing nothing is like going back to square one. Some people just don't have the constitution to make lasting changes. It's sad, but true.

    Other diseases destroy the body. Addiction destroys the soul. First, it rots the addict from the inside. They are no longer the person they once were. Second, they destroy those around them. Those that care the most are hurt the most. In order to protect themselves, SO's have to stop caring. The relationship is doomed at that point.

    You deserve so much more. We all deserve better. A relationship should be centered on love, caring, and having fun. A relationship that has addiction as it's centerpiece is not healthy. It's one thing to help someone heal, but when no progress is being made then only unhappiness and dissatisfaction occurs. I hope that once this cancerous part of your life is cut away then you can finally heal and find happiness.
     
  8. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I hope the same for everyone who suffers at the hand of addiction. That’s the true enemy. Some addicts just have a kind of Stockholm Syndrome and can’t or won’t break free. As you said, it’s sad.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  9. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Love and support to you TMTS.
     
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  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I wish you only the best of life and love.
    Good luck in all that you do.
    *Hugs
     
  11. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut

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    I have been at this point 100 times....I get clear he and it comes slinking right back after various lengths of separation. I too heard I know I have an addiction and then no zero nada active actions to face it head on. I got tired of the all talk no action years ago....yet here we are.... I am dead inside and he's just plugging along like normal. I lose sleep in anger and frustration he sleeps like a rock . I recoil every time he reaches out to me he is oblivious. It would be funny if It all weren't so pathetic. I'm sorry anyone has to deal with this. It really is like second hand smoke . Polluting every crevice of your mind instead of your lungs. I hope your resolve is iron clad. Mine sucks and is all but gone. I'm just waiting for him to leave now. I've stopped fighting for anything....I just lurk in the shadows of my life waiting for the darkness to dissipate . Where I used to be strong I am weak. I equate my life to being on some jacked up carnival ride puking the whole time praying the damn thing just stops or breaks the hell down. I hope you never get to that point and you can send it all packing on your terms.
     
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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hugs **
     
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  13. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sorry @Bel. It truly is awful. Hugs. I’m still in the middle of it. He woke up and I refused to talk first. I’ve done enough communicating. Let him navigate our wasteland. He finally started by saying that he needed to sit with it and feel it all. I asked what he got out of that. Silence. He’s showering now. I’m trying to decide how to proceed next. Should I just say ‘it’s over and I need you to leave’ or discuss things a bit more while still firmly conveying to him that this is it? I’m leaning toward the latter for some release. Like I still want some understanding or acknowledgment on both sides. The end result will be the same but at least I’ll feel like I really said all I needed to say. That’s one thing that helps me move on.
     
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  14. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Best wishes! You’re a good person who deserves love and respect in return. Hugs my friend!❤️:emoji_hugging:
     
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  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry, @TooMuchTooSoon . This just sucks. I hope telling him went as well as it could.
     
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  16. Im so sorry things went down like this. I know how disappointing that is. Stay strong and do what you need to do for you! *BIG HUGS*
     
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  17. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry you're going through this same thing again. I understand your frustration and pain. It never gets any easier. I'm glad you're standing up for yourself, though, and have the strength to say is enough is enough. Hope you see things turning upwards from here. Hugs.
     
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  18. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    Didn’t want to threadjack but wanted to share how the world can feel after we discover PA and just how completely it has permeated our lives with its poison... but in a lighter, more immature way ;) Sometimes ya gotta laugh to keep from crying.

     
  19. TooMuchTooSoon

    TooMuchTooSoon Fapstronaut

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    It's been quite awhile. I've been lurking and reading, commenting here and there but not nearly as much as before, when I was in the thick of dealing with PA/recovery. Part of that was my own shame. Even though we DID break up in February, it didn't fully stick and there's been some on and off. Now, though, it is definitively over. Although PA did not directly cause our demise, it certainly contributed. Whether it was whatever fostered the PA to begin with, or the effect that PA subsequently had on him and his ability to be in a healthy relationship doesn't really matter. It was amicable enough, and even though long thought of, the final blow came very unexpectedly. It's amazing how you can stagger along in unhappy discomfort to stave off the perceived misery of a breakup. It really is miserable and strange to know things aren't right, that you can't be happy in the relationship, and this person is incapable of giving you what you need, yet still mourn the loss of them and the relationship so deeply. That's where I've found myself, missing him and his presence. There is an emptiness now. I'm just waiting for time to soften the ache as it surely will.

    In the meantime I'm focusing on me: working on myself physically, mentally and emotionally, selling my condo, entertaining the idea of moving far away, changing careers and basically a complete life overhaul. I'm working with my therapist to see which of these is healthy moving on vs. desperately making changes to distance myself from all this turmoil from the last few years. I felt stuck for so long that I am trying to free myself in as many ways as possible.

    I am thinking of posting a question to the PAs. Looking forward, how can we possibly avoid this deception and betrayal? Are there any questions to ask, to weed out the potential PA? How can you force honesty or at least foster an environment that encourages it? I've heard other women pretend to enjoy P just to try and prevent possible dishonesty. I'm ready to be blunt enough myself. I expressed my needs, what I was looking for, but he didn't respect me enough to leave when it became apparent he couldn't give me most, if anything, I needed from and in a relationship. I kept giving him the chance to either step up or leave. Too many chances, though I don't regret it. I don't like 'what ifs' and I no longer have any of those. So I'm at peace with that. I just want to find someone who respects me enough to be honest, right from the beginning.

    I read about one woman who essentially tried to talk people out of dating her, noting her stubborn tendencies and other quirks. That took care of all the casual interest and left only those who were serious. But when you first meet someone, isn't that all you have? Casual interest that you hope will deepen? Part of me longs to receive the love, respect, and loyalty I want to give. Another part wants to avoid it at all costs after all the pain I've suffered at the hands of PA. Until it is seen for the epidemic plague that it is, how on earth can I hope to find someone who is immune?

    Lots of ramblings today. I'm feeling the hurt more keenly this weekend for whatever reason - approaching what would have been our anniversary in a few weeks cannot be helping. I know I am a capable, independent woman who doesn't NEED a partner to be happy. In many ways I am quite a catch, but as we all know, the most beautiful, intelligent, wonderful woman in the world still cannot compete with P or the perpetual need for novelty so many give into. I fear I can settle for no less than the deepest of love/devotion - akin to those couples who have been together for decades and die within hours of one another. I don't want perfect. Just someone who chooses to love me every day.
     
  20. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Amen to that. I know you will find him - you have a spirit that shines through what you write. You will win.
     

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