Tools I have used to get to 120+ days sober.

I thought i would post about tools that i have found useful in maintaining sobriety and recovery. I used P and m to numb emotions. These tools are work but have helped me understand myself better as i apply them. They have also helped me to communicate more empathetically with my SO. I have made quite a few mistakes and have not supported my SO continously with the betrayal trama i have caused. I have fought with PAWS continue to fight with shame and victim mentality. I hope this will help some.

To get to my current number of days sober i have been working to develop different tools that i can use at different times. These tools are important expecially when i am having uncomfortable emotions like anger, anxiety, shame, guilt, sadness and fear. The first i consider a toolbox is my daily journal. I consider each question a tool that serves a different purpose.

I have chosen to keep my journal in a note book. I find that writting down my thoughts is very important. I decided on a notebook because i have fear about being too public with my emotions and being judged as weak. When i write them instead of just thinking about stuff i am able to process my feelings and better understand what is causing them. I can also try and learn from them. This also helps me remember items that i want to discuss with my SO or therapist.

This was hard for me to start. I was confused, scared, and anxious about writting. I also felt like i needed to write the perfect entry. What i found out was that a messy and meandering entry is more inline with how life really is. With help from my SO we developed a set of questions that i answered on a daily basis. Below is the list that i am using daily as the minimum i think about and answer. On most days this fills up 3 to 4 pages and takes me about 30 minutes.

Date:

M today?

Were you triggered into thinking about M today? If so, by what?

Use P today?

Were you triggered into thinking about P today? If so, by what?

Use video games today?

Were you triggered into thinking about video games today? If so, by what?

Was i trigged into ogling or staring today? If so what feelings caused your actions?

Did you check in with an accountability partner today?

Did you post something on the community today?

Did you exercise today?

Have you had intimate sex with your wife?

Fight with your wife today? If so, what was the topic? What did you learn from the fight?

What emotions did you hear from your wife today?

What emotions did you feel today?

What did you feel guilty or shameful about today?

Any anxiety today? If so, what triggered your anxiety?

Was there anything I needed today?

Did you review your fidelity contract? (I will post my contract in the next post)

List at least 3 things you are greatful for.

 

I identify myself as a sex addict. As such I have come to realize that this is a disease like cancer that I will fight for the rest of my life. This knowledge scares me but also gives me hope because I know there are other addicts that are successfully living in recovery.

Another tool that I have found very helpfull is a fidelity plan. I found this by reading the book "Out of the Dog House" by Robert Wiess. This plan has 4 sections what are my goals, what is my bottom line (acting out behaviors), what are my warning signs and finally what is the good stuff that i experience because i stick to the plan. The plan has hepled me identify tools that i can use to make sure i stay away from bottom line behaviors. This plan was hard to put together because it made me feel shame, guilt, saddnes, and anger about realize the hurt i have caused.

It was very humbling, overwhelming, and scary for me to put together the long list of my bottom line behaviors and warning signs. (A note for the fidelity plan is that I have not participated in the inperson sexual actions, dating apps, strip clubs or purchasing porn). Even though I have not acted out in any of these ways i believe that if my addiction is left unchecked i could very well escalate. I also believe that it was important for me to be very specific with bottom line behaviors. As an addict if I am not specific I can try to rationalize my behaviors. I continue to adjust this plan with my wife as i move foward in understaning my addiction and recovery.


Date: 5/28/2018
Update 9/9/2018

Fidelity Plan: This plan is agreed upon by both partners and will not be changed unless a discussion has taken place. For a change to be implemented mutual agreement has to be reached.

Goals:
· I choose to fully participate in my marriage
· I choose to free myself from the drama triangle
· I choose to share my emotions with my wife
· I choose to relax and enjoy life
· I choose to question my beliefs
· I choose to communicate my needs, even if they aren’t convenient or comfortable for others.
· I choose to listen and support my wife's needs
· I choose to take care of myself mentally and physically
· I choose to hold myself accountable and not blame others
· I choose to be a fully intimate partner with my wife
· I choose to build solid male friendships
· I choose to participate fully in group therapy

Bottom Line:
· I will not look at porn.
· I will not masturbate unless my wife is participating.
· I will not lie to my wife.
· I will not flirt with other women. “Harmless” flirting with no intent to pursue a sexual encounter still counts as flirting.
· I will not objectify/ogle women. They are more than just body parts that can be used for my own satisfaction.
· I will not keep financial transactions secret. This includes games.
· I will not keep my online history secret.
· I will not hurt any animals
· I will not lie about sexual behavior to my wife, my therapist(s), or my group members.
· I will not be sexual online with anyone except my wife. Actions not tolerated: webcam sex, VR sex games, sexting, flirting, dating websites and apps.
· I will not purchase porn or porn website memberships.
· I will not have any dating or hookup apps on my electronics (phone, tablet…). Nor will I browse or have any memberships on traditional dating sites.
· I will not go to strip clubs.
· I will not engage in any sexual activity that is illegal.
· I will not seek out prostitution or escorts.
· I will not seek out prostitution or escort ads.
· I will not seek out or go to sensual massage parlors.
· I will not engage in emotional affairs. This includes seeking emotional support; sharing of personal details about myself, my marriage, or my wife. If I wouldn’t say it or do it with my wife in the room, it is inappropriate and I choose not to engage in it.
· If I develop a crush, I will distance myself. I will not seek out opportunities to spend more time with my crush.
· I will not have sexual contact with other people.
· I will not engage in sexual behavior that puts my wife in mental or physical pain.

Warning signs: In the event I notice any of these warning signs I will do one or more of the following: Meditate, exercise, Journal, text a group member or AP. If my wife notices warning signs she can state something like the following: I noticed that you are showing warning signs that we identified on the fidelity plan and these are the signs I have noticed…….This is how I feel about what I have noticed.
· I am choosing to not take care of myself. This includes not exercising, continuing with my diet, not seeking doctors support for hypertension and other ailments, not taking sick time or vacation from work, not making time for massages.
· I am choosing to not discuss my feelings with my wife.
· I am choosing to not be accountable for my actions.
· I am choosing to lie and keep secrets from my wife, no matter how little it seems. This also includes secrets from others that do not fall under the umbrella of my appropriate privacy. In relationships outside my marriage, I need to ask myself, “Is this lie for my benefit or for the other person’s benefit?” If it is primarily for my benefit, I will not lie.
· I am choosing to be defensive about my online habits.
· I am choosing to start skipping group or individual therapy.
· I am choosing to not answer my daily reflection questions.
· I choose to not talk with my AP regularly.
· I choose to not talk to my wife when a tactic has not worked.
· I choose to not avoid or resolve conflict with my wife.
· I choose to not analyze feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness, anxiety or fear.
· I choose to scan for women looking for them to ogle.
· I choose to seek excessive compliments for completing projects.
· I choose to make sure I stay hydrated and don’t go to long before eating
· I choose to drink without my wife.
· I choose to fantasize about other women
· I choose to install games on any electronic device to use as a way to escape emotions
· I choose to start using gaming systems
· I choose to obsess about major purchases such as vehicles
· I choose to behave co-dependently with my wife
· I choose to behave co-dependently with my Mom, Dad, siblings or any other family members
· I choose to behave co-dependently with any friends or coworkers
· I choose to not be compassionate with myself using harsh language and putting myself down.
· I choose not to take responsibility around feelings and decisions associated with my Mom, Dad, siblings.
· I choose not to take responsibility for feelings about sex.
· I choose to start making declarative statements and stop asking questions about feelings.
· I choose to start pushing on boundaries.
· I choose to apologize or agree excessively.
· I choose to look at lingerie sites such as Fredericks Of hollywood or Victoria's secret or bikini pictures.

Good stuff:
· Spending quality time with my wife this includes but is not limited to
o Dates
o Time talking
o Running
o Playing with the dogs
o Quite time relaxing/reading
o Hikes
o Skiing
o Puzzles
o Camping
o Vacations
o Golfing
o New hobbies together
· Getting regular exercise
· Participating in daily tasks at home such as cooking, cleaning, doing laundry
· Continuing and completing my advanced schooling.
· Working on our home and feeling proud of it
· Connected sex and intimacy with my wife

24 hour disclosure rule:
· In the event that I violate a bottom line commitment:
o I will immediately disclose if my actions have placed my wife in physical, legal, or serious financial danger. I recognize that in this case, my wife will do whatever she needs in order to best ensure her own safety, with no regards to my needs or feelings.
o For events that do not place my wife in danger, I will disclose to her within 24 hours. My disclosure will include an honest and thorough description of what happened, what led to the event, and precautions that I will take in the future to avoid it happening again.

Rules for contact:
· I agree to respond within 2 hours to texts or phone calls no matter what.