Tools and info for my committment to recovery

Long story short
So I'm almost 50 days removed from dday. I am in my early 30's, a 15 year PA and in a 9 year relationship with my wife. I am seeing a CSAT and plan on using this thread to keep track of tools and info I have learned from my counseling sessions.

Please keep in mind these tools and information are tailored to my situation and should not be used without consulting a professional first. I am not a professional.

Tools
Daily check-ins: 2 minute updates each day including the following(mandatory for PA, optional for SO):

• Today I am feeling...
• I have been clean since...
• 3 things I will do for recovery are...
• 1 thing I will do for my marriage is...
• 1 thing I am grateful for is...

Scheduled talks: agree with SO to try to keep recovery related talks to scheduled times of no more than 30 minutes. If the talk becomes unproductive or destructive at any point agree to walk away. Write down what your feelings are at that time and try to approach the subject at your next scheduled talk from a more constructive angle. These times can be scheduled anywhere from once a week to every day depending on how well they are working. If either of us are approached by the other about recovery related topics, we should respectfully ask if the conversation can wait until our next scheduled talk. If not, the next tool may come in handy.

ok so a little pretext to this next tool. I'm not sure how useful this will be for everyone and I haven't tried it yet but in my head I really like it. It's so stupid it might work. So if you have a really really really hard time just shutting up and listening in those times when nothing else will do. This one is really hard for me to do. It also can takes practice recognizing when to use it.

LISTENING: BAM, its that time, you finally figured out everything you can and cannot think of will not stop this situation from spiraling. What's the problem? Your dehydrated dummy! Or atleast that's what I should tell myself. Grab the biggest cup you have, fill it to the top with water and turn on your listening ears. The only reason for opening your pie hole is to fill it with water you dehydrated dummy! OR if EXPLICITLY asked for a response. Might be useful to keep pen and paper handy to write things down since my memory sucks although this could also be a distraction or trigger for SO I think. Might also be useful to keep water actively in mouth at all times if the temptation to open pie hole is large. Once your mega cup of water is empty, reevaluate if another cup is needed before deciding you are no longer dehydrated.

My guess is that after these situations, I should probably tread lightly. The path forward probably has steep ledges on either side as we are likely just starting to come down from a state of elevated emotions.

Homework
Work on separating "PA me" and "non-PA me" in my head. "non-PA me" is a good person.

Work on defining 3 circles. Inner circle is destructive, negative or disliked behaviors. Middle circle is behaviors that can lead to your inner circle behaviors. Outer circle is behaviors that are a positive influence on your life and keep you away from your inner and middle circle behaviors.

I'll call this next one AGREE TO DISAGREE FOR 3 MONTHS for the lack of a better name right now. This one is a commitment from both parties to refrain from pulling the divorce card for 3 months if any arguments should arise. The though of putting in so much hard work(which this process will no doubt take plenty of) to repair the damage that had been done(which will take effort from both parties no matter how innocent one of them might be) can sometimes be hard to deal with and overcome in such taxing situations. In the spirit of wanting the best for this marriage it's best to keep this one in the bag if possible. Of course there are times where this is warranted but assuming the original prognosis remains the same(there's no more "100% disclose" talks) this "contract" should try to be honored.

High intensity emotions. What are they? Document them and figure out what i want and need and how to ask for them.

That's all I can remember right now. If I remember anything else I'll update this post. New posts should happen about once a week since that's the frequency of my appointments.

Let me know if you have any questions. If you have any concerns your welcome to share them until I let you know otherwise but to be honest I'm unlikely to consider your criticism unless it's clearly constructive and contains references from well known addiction resources. Even then I will first be running it by my CSAT before making any changes to what I have been recommended by my CSAT.

Until next week...

 

Ok so it's been longer than a week, my bad. So I've had a couple more counseling sessions with my CSAT and so far I feel it's going very well. It's only been 4 1hr sessions which you can only fit so much in. The end of each session feels like a cliff hanger since there is so much to get into but I'm happy with the direction things are going.

The sessions have not been just about PA recovery as you probably already know based on the thread. A good portion of every session is dedicated to marriage recovery as well due to my PA almost burning it to the ground.

Anyways, on to the things im learning.

Placing boundaries on myself. For example. One of the bad habits I have is oogling. My wife can tell you this. She notices me when I do it. It's taken a long time for me to be able to admit that due to how shameful I feel about it.

Some of the boundaries I have placed on myself to help deal with this are...

• Follow the 3 second rule. Second 1 notice a person. Natural instinct whether they are attractive or not. Second 2 are they a threat or trying to get my attention? Second 3 if not find something else to look at.
• Sky/Ceiling or floor. When entering a place you think you could encounter someone you might oogle, approach the area while focusing on something interesting in the sky or on the floor not too far from your feet. When you need to look up to navigate or something make sure your eyes sweep across your viewing area without spending time focusing on any particular person when there is no need to focus on someone. Then go back to the ceiling/sky or floor unless you are looking at family your family/friends for conversation.
• No second looks (for obvious reasons right)
• No conversations with women when I am by myself. Even when I am with my wife if I am approached my another woman with a question or something I should defer to my wife. Even if I know the answer to the question I should pretend to not know, introduce her to my wife by saying something like "I'm not sure but my wife might know... hey honey, etc..." so it is known that she is my wife, and then do something else lol. This isn't something I have a problem with but I think it's comforting for my wife to know that this is one of my own self enforced boundaries. Especially since my favorite thing to do with the kids is take them outside or to the park and a lot of the times my wife like to use these time as personal time which I'm good with. She gets lots of time with the kids that I don't get since her full time and second job are taking care of our kids haha. They are more than a hand full right now.
• No physical touching without asking for permission. This includes hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc... Some of these can be triggers for her especially when she gets "spun up"(what my counselor calls it) from the PA induced betrayal trauma I have caused her. A simple "{insert SO's name here}, can I hold your hand?" will do. Make sure you are prepared to respect her answer without resentment as your betrayal has caused this.

I have yet to master these but I am actively trying to make them habit for me.

Abstaining from all sexual behavior for 30 days. This includes spooning if im in the back since the chances of arousal and accidental stimulation are high. Trust me, I asked lol. Any stimulation can trigger the neural pathway that abstaining is meant to reset. This pathway for a PA involuntarily triggered due to it's overuse. Like an addict of smoking, your not going to stop that pathway from firing until you have abstaining for long enough. Abstinence will also help a couple learn to connect better in emotional intimacy and will provide a great foundation for us both moving back into physical intimacy. This one is VERY HARD on us both. My counselor even tried prepared us by saying this can be an emotional roller coaster for the PA so be ready. Also that I should avoid big meetings with bosses during this time haha.

I have been using porn as long as or longer than I have been having sexual relationships. My introduction to sex was as an observer. Because of this I have been more of an observer than an active participant during sex. This has likely stunted my ability to emotionally connect with my wife on many levels. I have likely not fully experienced true intimacy because of this. After our 30 days hardmode or monkmode(not sure exactly which one my counselors views aline with yet) my counselor will help me understand and give me tools to become more of a participant than an observer.

Something that I'm really looking forward to is getting my book/workbook in the mail. It's called "Facing the Shadows" my Patrick Carnes. It sounds like it holds a lot of great information based on what my counselor has communicated.

My wife already has her recommended reading "Facing Heartbreak" by Stefanie Carnes and "Moving Beyond Betrayal" by Vicki Tidwell Palmer. She seems to really like them so far and I have seen great strides in her recovery from my damage.

Im probably forgetting something but that's what I can remember for now. I'll post again when I have more to share.

Until next time...