Too many relapses, I need help.

As a wife of an addict you need to be honest with her. If she can see that you're wanting to change and are doing your best then it will reassure her. Also if you are not honest I doubt very much you will get far before your next PMO. Any kind of stress or pressure and you will automatically turn to PMO as this is your comfort tool. (No pun intended)
My husband and I are also wanting to start a family. He doesn't PMO or MO.

 

Thank you

Yes. Share how you are feeling. Talk about when it is difficult. Tell her when you are struggling. Share when it's really tricky and share some good stuff too like this morning was so tempting but I didn't do it, I got up out of bed, made breakfast and went for a walk instead.

You sound like you have a very loving relationship there that with a little work on this stuff will just get better.

And 7 days is good! Share that with her too.

I can only say that things do get better when you do not do this. I see it like I was blindly asking myself to jump into the unknown by not PMO and trusting that it will be worthwhile but the only way you will see that it is will be to do it

 

During this recovery process not only are you physically recovering from this addiction, but your relationship needs to recover and heal. Have you taken an assessment of the damage that's been caused to your relationship yet? She may still be acting like a supportive wife, but how deep does the hurt go? How much damage has been done to the trust between the two of you? Even though she might not have questions now, she might have some later. Maybe she's afraid to ask and is scared how deep the rabbit hole goes? Have you developed behaviors and tendencies that need changing, such as being secretive, putting up walls, or not being open or communicative? Since we can't always be a good judge of our own character we need our wives to tell us how we're hurting them. Does she feel emotionally supported or has she felt a gradual withdrawing since the wedding?

Healing a relationship is not having one big revelation or one big discussion and then it's over. For me and @WifeInTheDark, we've had to have small discussions every single day to get through this. Sometimes we talked about the hurtful things I did in the past. Or talk about how my recovery is going. Or how she's coping with her feelings of betrayal. Each conversation dug a little deeper until we started getting to the roots of my problems and how they affected our marriage. We've had some very difficult conversations where I just want to leave running from the room, but they were necessary! I've had to learn to open up instead of running away and hiding. The process of rebuilding trust and intimacy has drawn us closer than we've ever been.

Also, you will need her assistance to get better as well. You know how difficult it is to get better on your own. It is your addiction but you don't have to be alone in fighting it. She might not know how to help... she might not want to help yet... she might need help of her own to address her feelings of betrayal. Start having small discussions initiated by you on topics that are not too sensitive and see how it goes.

 

@HH69 No. There's a fine line between confessing everything and common sense.

Being humble and admitting your faults lifts the pressure on you

 

We did a lot of talking in the beginning. Hours of talking. Hours of listening. Eye contact. Hand holding. Apologies.

Our cycle would go like this... I would write in my paper journal during the day. At night I would share what I wrote and ask for her feedback. We'd talk a little about me before we'd talk about her thoughts and feelings. Often we would talk about something that I did in the past or a pattern of behavior that she didn't like. Sometimes it would just be an outpouring of emotions. I would listen and nod my head and then I'd think about it overnight and into the next day. She would only put on my plate what I was able to handle. Our followup discussion would then involve me owning up to what I did, an appropriate apology, then an explanation into what I was going to do differently. Every talk enlightened me concerning my behavior. Every apology healed an old wound. Every insight led me to pay more attention to my actions. Every outpouring of emotion was cathartic.

Also, in many ways I had gotten lazy in our relationship. We read an article on 'The Lazy Way to Stay in Love' and we started doing a lot of simple things that add up to a feeling of intimacy. In some ways I had to go back to the beginning and treat her like a girlfriend I wanted to court. I had to DATE her and show myself worthy of being her husband again. I had to show CONCRETE EVIDENCE of change. I had to make her feel loved. I had to prove that I was worthy of being trusted. I had to be transparent with my actions and use words in conjunction with my actions so that the intent wouldn't be misconstrued.

Once you create and atmosphere of love and intimacy then you have to let TIME work it's magic. There will be good days. There will also be bad days. You can never give up. Bide your time if necessary, but never let an issue fester. Eventually she will believe you are sorry and that you are trustworthy again. It will not be easy working on both your addiction issues and relationship issues, but it's our responsibility to work on both. You've shown that you are determined to do better and that attitude will show through. Your sincerity and genuineness will go a long way towards convincing her. She will not trust again until she is feeling safe again.

 

As the wife that @i_wanna_get_better1 is referring to, let me offer you a little added insight. He also lied about his PMO addiction before. For many years. In a myriad of small and large ways. Lies to conceal. Lies to manipulate. Lies to placate. Sometimes I believed the lies. Most of the time, I knew he was lying but couldn't quite put my finger on which part of the statement was the deceptive part. This left me in a precarious state of general distrust.

Your wife is likely in a similar state. The confessions help. But it's what happens AFTER the confessions that mean the most....the changes she will see in you that just can't be faked. The viewpoint shift. The move away from being a selfish person, more interested in hiding a secret than in being present with the people around them. Those changes are what make all the difference. In some ways, it's just observing that higher reasoning taking place in your pre-frontal cortex. Literally your humanity coming back.

After reading his post above, we had a conversation about a few things he spoke of. My first concern was that he wrote most of the post in the past tense......that whole 'dating' your wife and treating her like a girlfriend- someone you are really interested in and pursue, that is something that HAS to be ongoing.

I consider our relationship only as old as this new phase...the one where he tells the truth. He is just over 90 days PMO-free. So basically our relationship is just three months old. It needs constant attention and building on. It needs more truths and more trust. Don't get me wrong- it is literally better than it has ever been in the 17 years we've been married.

But there are wounds that are very deep. Scars that just an apology cannot heal. Every apology addressed a wound. But those apologies didn't heal those wounds. They were the very first steps in healing them. For us, it was huge that the wounds were even being acknowledged and that he was taking ownership of being the one who caused them. But those wounds are still very much still there.

I say this just to manage your expectations. It made a HUGE difference in our relationship that we could even discuss the wounds. For you, I think this will likely also be true. Most addicts are very much in denial about the havoc they leave in their wake, being totally oblivious in their porn coma. There is likely a lot of damage that your wife is carrying that you currently know nothing about.

But your honesty will get the proverbial ball rolling and can open the way to an open dialogue that will allow the healing to begin.

It's a huge, VITAL step. And the sooner you begin, the sooner the healing can start. I wish you and your wife the very best. The road is long but the journey is really worth it!

 

Get accountable2u. If you relapse she will know. That would be a huge deterrent to stop.

 

Yes. You put it on your devices and she can monitor what sites you visit. In a moment of weakness it could keep you from clicking something you shouldn't.

 

And are you sure it is good thing to do now- trying to get a child? Before doing this big step, your wife needs to know the truth and then she can decide going futher or not. Otherwise things can go even worse. She will find out about your lies after the child and then it will hurt much more, as she will be trapped with less possibility to end this relationship. If the truth won't affect wanting to stay with you, then you can think about child. Otherwise it is so wrong.

 

I reached a breaking point with my SO earlier this week and his porn use. I posted my long sob story when I found this site last night. tonight, I have not been able to sleep and have been reading through others posts.
Everything you said here; is literally, bringing tears to my eyes. I have asked my SO to leave and have told him we will no longer be living together. He is very remorseful, saying he wants to work hard to reconcile and come home. I have been searching for a glimmer of hope that trust again can be possible, and I found that in your words. I just hope, he will come to these understandings himself, regarding what it will truly require. TY and all the best!

 

Complete honesty. The reason I am saying this is that I am older, 45, and my husband is 33. He wants kids so badly that we went on some fertility medication because I thought the reason we were not getting pregnant was because of my age. Come to find our it is because he is PMOing everyday, several times a day and depleting his sperm count. So, for 8 months, thinking it was my fault, taking meds, he being disappointed, etc.... My doctor could not believe I did not get pregnant. He said I was perfectly healthy and my progesterone levels were that of a 30 year old. That is when he started asking questions. I admitted there may be a problem with porn and masturbation. My doctor was furious and dropped me as a patient. No kidding. Dropped me. he said he did not have time or the conscious to deal with people who had such marital problems. I told my husband. He hit the roof and said he was no longer PMO. My mobile data bill says otherwise..... Plus, when he is at work he does it and during the week he does not want sex. Only the weekends which did not always match up my ovulation dates. I get the excuses that he is tired and stressed out, too full after dinner, not in the mood... It is more hurtful than the truth. Plus, with the truth, she will be better informed on what she wants to do. Doesn't she have the right to decide whether or not she wants this relationship? It is like a guy having an affair. It is unfair for the cheater not to be honest. She has the right to know.

Enough about my story, just letting you know it does affect your sperm count and quality. For a casual user, it may spike the sperm count as long as they do not O. For a PMO addict, it will greatly affect your sperm count because of the dopamine levels and depleting the "fleet" constantly. So, if you are honest, she won't start blaming herself for not getting pregnant.

 

We also had trouble conceiving due to my husband's secret PMO. I had invasive, painful tests. All the while, he KNEW his sperm was depleted and he was keeping it a secret. When I found out, I was really angry that he valued his secret too much to keep me from going through such an embarrassing and physically painful process.

But your doctor should be sued. That's just messed up! How dare he have a say in your marriage?!? If you were single, you'd still have just as much right to get pregnant! That's just awful!

 

He can drop us as a patient. It is a Catholic hospital and I was not a critical care patient. I am just mad that to this day, my husband will not admit what he was doing. I think I am still in the mad phase of all of this.... I'm sad and mad at the same time.

 

1. you need to quit porn, once and forever. That is a no brainer. Porn gave me PIED and I hate porn, so that was easy for me. You should hate porn too for what it did to you.

2. Telling her or not telling her it's your choice. I did not tell my SO and - at the same time - I am taking care of things, that's more important than "telling her". Again that is your choice, but comes #2 to #1 above.