Today I feel really effin lonely. But I'm an idiot, so go figure.

You know those days? When you feel like there's the whole world 'out there' and then there's you, all by your fail-some self.

I had it coming, though. It's my own fault for choosing to "date" a certain type of man, when I know it's a waste of time. The type of guy who is obviously hunting for sex, and you just want to hang out and build (platonic) connections. Eventually awkward moments will arise, one bends to the other and/or you separate ways due to conflict of interest. I'm still celibate but it was a 'close call'.

Fun in the moment but overwhelmed with emptiness for the next few days, now. Nothing major happened. I just wonder why it's sometimes so hard to escape (or perhaps easy to fall into) old patterns and people you know won't further your progress. Urgh.

I met him at a local bar this Thursday (our second "date" and yes he knew from the get-go, that I'm celibate. Like, we spoke of this for hours both times) and he lives just above it with the owner of the bar. They live with a bunch of people and I learned that one of them is a really good friend of my first boyfriend from 10 years ago, so that was a lot of fun seeing that friend again (we drank with him and his girlfriend and talked for a while, then the friend and his girlfriend went to bed and it was just me and my "date"). But now I'm feeling all nostalgic about my ex... sigh.

Anyway, I ended up drunk babbling to my "date" when we were 'done'. Something about we shouldn't waste each other's time and then I just got up and left and I haven't spoken to him since (neither of us have texted the other). So I basically ended up doing the exact same douche-bag behavior I have sworn off doing = doing something I don't really want to, then withdrawing and leaving the next second, ghosting them. I feel really bad for fleeing when he wanted me to stick through the night, but I just couldn't deal with the situation. At that point, I was just so turned off from the whole relation because it turned into carnal bullshit way too soon. You know? I saw it coming, though. I knew it at the end of our first date. I can only blame myself for setting up an ultimately uncomfortable situation.

I just lose interest when things start out lustful. It's like switching a switch in my brain, and then I just want to never have anything to do with the man again. It used to be because I was afraid men would 'do me' and then abandon me, so I developed that exact trait in myself. Looking back, I've ALWAYS ghosted men I've slept with, UNLESS they have been my actual boyfriend (where sex didn't play a part until several months into the relationship). It's like, once I allow myself to have sex or sexual-ish encounters with men I am not otherwise bonded with, my interest in them IMMEDIATELY fades and I ghost. And that's so friggin' uncool. :C

So, naturally, this whole ordeal feels like a HUGE failure to me. Not just because we want different things, or at least different approaches to a relation. But mostly because I feel like a c*nt for leaving like that. And also because I went so far with someone I knew I wouldn't care for afterwards. In my head, I thought I might as well give him some cuddles because he wanted it - like I'm doing him some kind of favor - and all the while I was casually wondering how it would feel to huggle my ex, so many years later, and how I could best escape the situation asap. So it just seems like a GRAND waste of everybody's time.

So now I'm feeling insanely restless, kind of 'dirty', an asshole and I'm fighting the urge to go out, binge drink and feed into the attention-seeking urges of my newly revived ego, and do even stupider things. Sigh.

But instead I'm home, trying to distract myself by watching a movie and typing this purposeless rant.

 

Hey. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it, and I agree. Leaving was the right thing to do for me. It just annoys me that I 'allowed' myself to get in an uncomfortable situation I 100% knew would happen. I think I'm mostly annoyed with that part, to be honest. The meaninglessness.

That is true. I don't know why I didn't think of it that way. He knows.

Once again, you speak the truth. I think my biggest problem was (is?) I projected my own issues onto the people I was with. You know, being so afraid of abandonment - particularly after sexual endeavors for whatever unknown reason - that I've unconsciously done so towards other people, before they could do it to me. I only just consciously realized this upsetting truth about 1½ - 2 years ago, and that was actually my main reason for going celibate; because I didn't like the person I was after having brief encounters, or encounters with men I didn't feel emotionally connected to. I strongly dislike the emptiness / meaningless feel afterwards and/or having to deal with the aftermath, if the man is emotionally invested and I am not. So I basically swore the next time I'll have sex, it has to be with someone I'd care for afterwards. So that's why I feel dirty/'icky' even toying around with the situation, when I know how shitty I feel afterwards. Interestingly enough, I have found that even kissing random guys has begun making me feel this way. : /

And I think you're right about the attachment, or rather, feeling connected. I feel detached after situations like above, but I do treasure and value deep connections with other people, so my 'mission', if you will, is to put myself in a mindset and situations which promote emotional and intellectual connections. And celibacy is amazing for that!

Also, I doubt he is going to text and if he does, I don't really know what to say anyway. It would probably just be an awkward "yeah, no, let's not". :U

 

Thanks for your support. : D






A little update for anyone who gives a rat's ass:

I feel a lot better today. I feel more grounded, centered. I understand where I stepped wrong and I forgive myself for falling into old patterns which no longer serve me. Today my grief has transformed into gratitude. I appreciate the lesson in the situation and having reality smack me in the face, so I can get back on my personal path of betterment and re-aligning with my authentic self. It has been a very good reminder of why I do what I do, and that I still have a lot of work to be done. Yet, I can see how far I have come in regards to my reactions to these situations and my problem solving and recognizing red flags (even if I chose to ignore them this time around). I have VASTLY improved over the past few years, and that's great to know and important to remember! I know when to say stop, because I know what truly serves me and what path promotes deep self love and love for others (men).

The sensation of loneliness is just that - a sensation triggered by falling into old patterns. But, like everything else, it's fleeting. It's just an emotion which will peak (it did yesterday) and then it will exhaust itself and fade. I am the space in which everything passes, and that is always extremely comforting to remember. My actions yesterday don't determine who I am in this moment, and I choose to see regret as a tool to improve rather than beat myself up over it. I am not a horrible person, even though I felt I did something bad, both to myself (doing something I didn't really want to) and to him (wasting his time I reckon and leaving in a rather rude manner). I'm just human.

I have faith in my choice to remain abstinent indefinitely. I know this is the right choice for me and I did my best in the situation I was in. This is when I feel the best. This is when I feel most true to myself. This is when my vibrational frequency is the highest and when synchronicity is crazy on point. This is when the sensation of love flows freely and I am able to share it with people. This HAS to come first before any physical intimacy. I KNOW this. I just have to remind myself again, if a similar situation arises, and call it quits when the universe showers me with obvious signs that I should not go there.

Random fun fact: When I stray from my own path of truth and get shook up, I always imagine Lord Shiva dancing towards me with a serene smile. Then raising his hand, slapping me across the face, sending me into the fire to purify me from my stupid sh*t, attachments and ego and then we just have a hearty laugh afterwards... all charred up and barbecued.... Yup. I know.... but it works. <3

 

That's the spirit! I think it's super important to keep present and do what you can with the moment at hand, rather than getting lost in the past and the future, both of which are just concepts of time.

You are absolutely right, and thanks for the reassurance. It means a lot. . I also find that it's easiest to just be honest about where I'm coming from, from the beginning. This gives everyone a chance to decide what they want to do. I also respect it a lot, when men I meet are honest about their intentions from the beginning. Then we can part or decide not to meet with dignity.

And funny you mention men taking it as a challenge! I cannot express how many times a man took my abstinence as a challenge and/or didn't think I was serious about it; that I was just playing hard to get. It's really annoying and gets awkward real quick, actually.



Regarding staying abstinent forever to be safe, I know what you mean. But I definitely believe as long as I stick to my own pace and values, I'll be fine. The most important thing to me, is the bonding before being sexual. One example is one of my ex boyfriends. I never had any real romantic love for him, but he's a great and awesome guy. We hooked up some years after our short relationship, and I've NEVER felt disconnected, aloof or restless after our hookups, and I know this is because I already had a bond with him (not an attachment, though). There was mutual trust, respect and interest and he's a good friend. So the bond is paramount for me to feel "normal" after sexual encounters.
But bonding takes time..

 

Yessss!!! Playing into expectations is also a major factor, I believe. Doing what is expected even if you'd rather do something else. I'm trying to let go of expectations of everything, everyday. It's hard but very liberating and I find I have a much better and easier time dealing with life and people, once I let go of expectations regarding them and myself and the outcome. Then suddenly I can just enjoy the moment for whatever it is.

My last crush was this troubled young man about 2 years ago. He had A LOT of personal issues and addictions I don't care to spell out here, and we dated for about two-three months before we had sex, and he wasn't used to do dating like that; he was used to ONS, so he ended up suffering a lot from performance anxiety -> flaccid penis. But it didn't bother me at all, to be honest. I wasn't with him to bang it out. I told him, but I suppose he felt too embarrassed and then he ghosted. Meh.

Never heard of Kristen Ritter. Might check it out.

 

Ooooooh! I see! I just used the gif for the facial expression. :b

Aye! One of my biggest problems have also been my "need" to save people. You know? It made me feel special if I could somehow change people for the better. I think many women feel like this, hence why a "bad boy" might be attractive. -shrugs-
So I'm trying hard to steer clear of miserable peeps.